Chapter Text
None of the avengers knew, because unlike what they all thought, Steve wasn’t the perfect American man with no issues like all the propaganda had claimed him to be.
He was filled with guilt, shame, disgust and trauma, from before the ice and before the war. He had to loose everyone and every thing just to end up in the future alone. He had to watch the love of his life fall to his death, knowing there was nothing he could do about it.
He would often find himself lost in a haze without Bucky, that doubt of who he was would eat him slowly inside to out. He felt desperate with no one left on earth who truly knew himself.
None of the avengers knew that Bucky was the love of his life. Hell half of them didn’t even know Buckys name, knowing only what little information they might’ve learned about him from history class, a second in command for the howling commandos. They didn’t really know anything about Steve’s life before the ice, because he never told them.
It’s not that he didn’t trust them per say, it’s just Everytime he had to think about his life before and how much he missed it, his lungs would get real tight and his breathing would go unsteady and that’s not how American icons should be acting.
For that same reason steve couldn’t let them get too close, and so he didn’t tell them any more than common knowledge about his old life. Of course it proved to be difficult to keep things from them at times, especially when they did game nights.
Tony had insisted that they should be doing them for “team bonding” and all of that. Tonight there was Clint, who was laying on the ground with a beer in hand, in front of Natasha who had a bottle of vodka (yes the whole bottle) sitting comfortably in a lounge chair with her legs folded over themselves.
Across from her sat Tony in a bean bag chair with a cocktail in hand, surrounded by other various bottles of alcohol. Bruce sat next to Steve on the couch facing the TV, with a mug of tea in his hands. Steve found it much easier to be next to Bruce during game nights because more often than not Bruce was the most level headed of them all (ironic huh…) Thor, like usual couldn’t join them today, as he was doing other duties somewhere in Asgard.
Tonight had been going smoothly until Natsha decided they were all going to play some questions game. Steve couldn’t really tell you what that meant but he thought little of it as they started the game. Which was going fine until Clint got asked a certain question from Tony. “Hey how many people have you slept with Legolas?” Uh oh. This can’t be good because it never ended well when they talked about this kind of stuff. “well not that I keep track but I’ve been with my fair share of people. Until my lovely wife of course”
Labeling them as people didn’t go unnoticed by Steve, because of course he knew it was legal now. Of course it had to be legal in a world where Bucky couldn’t be in it with him. Steve layed in his bed for days after finding out, hiding even farther away from the rest of the world.
He saw Natasha roll her eyes at Clint’s shenanigans before Tony went and turned to ask her the same question. “Oh please stark, we both know that you can’t handle that information” “boooo” Tony yelled while leaning over to grab another drink.
“So Steve” oh no “you always stay conveniently quite when we get to chatting about each others endeavours. Care to share why” tony said as a wide grin started to form across his face.
“Maybe I don’t got no story’s to share, huh? Ever thought about that” he replied almost immediately, which only made Tony’s grin widen even more.
“Come on, we aren’t that dumb Steve! we know you’ve been down and dirty at least once” Tony looked around and everyone shared some grins and nods, including Bruce which felt like a betrayal.
“Not everything is your business you know” Clint now finding this the perfect time to join the conversation “oh come on Steve, if you won’t tell us how many women then at least tell us if there’s a special lady right now huh?”
Just his luck they stated talking about relationships. Obviously none of the avengers even thought for a second that Steve might like men romantically. The captain America that they grew up with made ladies fall head over heels in love, not men. “No. I haven’t slept with or been in a relationship with anyone since before the war” “WHOA” shit.
Tony’s loud voice boomed over the room. shit. “So that means there was someone before the war then?” Clint said looking far to happy for the dread steve was feeling in his gut right now.
“No. -look forget I said anything” like a pack of wolves ganging up on him one after another they all showed disbelief and incredible interest. “Come on, you can tell us” Bruce said in that way where he was trying to seem kind but Steve could tell he was genuinely curious.
The room started to spin, he couldn’t do this. There were so many things that Steve couldn’t do anymore because of what he’d been through, and thinking about the gaping hole Bucky left in his heart was definitely one of them. Steve couldn’t talk about it, he just couldn’t.
“I said drop it.” Bruce might just have been the only one to notice his growing hostility because everyone else just kept going.
“Awe you have to tell us now!” Yelled Tony “had to have been one special lady to have loved u before the war” Clint said with a wolfish grin raising his eyebrows up and down.
“Yeah I don’t recall hearing anything in history class about captain america having a love interest” Bruce joined back in from the side lines.
“Oh my god was it Peggy!?” Tony asked excitedly like he had just one a huge prize. “No. Drop it you guys I’m not kidding” “wow touched a nerve there huh?” Tony said sarcastically grin still present on his face.
“It dosent matter who she was because I’m going to find you someone new” Natasha who had been silently enjoying the chaos had decided to drop that him with a sly smile. Great. Just great.
The conversation slowly moved on after that because Natasha distracted them for five seconds and they’re all idiots with zero attention span so Steve figured that was the end of it. He would have to come up with better excuses next game night but until then he will just stay strong and be the perfect soldier.
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That wasn’t the end of it. Not even close, apparently it was just the beginning. Since that day, after every mission Natasha is on his back about going on a date. Every. Single. Mission. It used to be that Steve would finish the mission and go to his room in the tower and lay in bed numb until instructed otherwise (usually by Fury).
Now, during the mission, after the mission, and even back at the tower Natasha talks about it. It’s like he can never escape it. Even the others have started mentioning it.“You gotta get your dick wet at least once in the new century cap” Tony said to the kitchen with nonchalance like they were talking about what to eat for breakfast.
“They can just be hook ups, no matter, but you’ve got to start seeing people outside of us Steve. Go out there and get down and dirty you know” Nat would tell him with a wink. Even with all of that going on in his life Steve still found plenty of time to rot in his quarters in starks fancy tower.
The hollowness inside of him has only gotten worse with all this talk about his dating and sex life. It’s like his heart is throbbing Everytime someone mentions it. (Which is a lot). This is the first time today where Steve has an actual moment by himself.
Walking out of the elevator which lead him to his floor in the tower, be lining straight for his bed he layed down, with just him and his thoughts. He thought about him and Bucky, his beautiful bucky. The way the sunlight bounced off of his muscles perfectly, the way he woke up in the morning bare, right where he belonged next to Steve. The way he looked up from between Steve’s thighs, gently and lovingly, like Steve was hand made just for him. The way he’d hold Steve’s hips and help him move up and down whenever he got tired.
He slowly reached his hand down into his pants as he thought of the loving memories of his bucky. As he wrapped his hand around himself and went to pull- the war, buckys dead. Everyone you love is dead. No ones there for you anymore. No one even knows who you are. You’re a failure.
His throat tightens and breathing picks up, it’s like somethings on his chest, like someone’s hands are around his throat. He feels like he’s drowning in an endless abyss of sorrow and grief.
He pulls his hand away like he’d been burned, staring up at the ceiling as he tried to even out his breathing. It always ends like this. Ever since Bucky died he can’t do anything, he can’t even touch himself without spiralling.
All this talk about needing to “get his dick wet” and “get down and dirty” is impossible no matter the circumstances. He rolls over in bed curls up in a ball and simply cry’s, thinking of all the things wrong with his life, with him.