Chapter Text
“Let me get this straight,” said Sanji. He pinched out the smoldering end of his used-up cigarette and discarded it in the nearby ash tray. “You need someone to help you infiltrate a highly-secure government event in one of the most heavily-guarded cities in the world where any wrong move could lead to hundreds of elite marines all simultaneously raining hellfire down upon you, all to rescue your navigator. And rather than have someone on your crew help with this, or even asking for help from one of our people, you specifically want Luffy to come with you.”
“That about sums it up,” said Law. He downed the last of his tea and set the cup back on the table beside his half-eaten plate of curry. Beside him, Luffy was greedily devouring an army’s worth of meat from seven different plates that took up almost an entire third of the massive round table that the restaurant had assigned to their party of eleven. Law did his best not to think about what the bill was going to look like after the meal. “Well?”
“I have some questions,” said Usopp, resting his head on his hands and staring at Law from across the table with the intensity of a professional interrogator. “First of all… Are you feeling okay?”
“I-” began Law, only for Chopper to stand up in his seat and press one of his little hooves against his forehead.
“He doesn’t feel feverish,” said Chopper, brow knitted with concern.
“I’m not delirious!” snapped Law, shoving Chopper’s hoof out of his face.
Dealing with the Strawhats was always a massive test of his patience. Every last one of them was strange, obnoxious, or some combination of the two; Law wasn't sure if Luffy was a magnet for weirdos or if he'd gone out of his way to deliberately filter anyone normal out of his very small, very exclusive crew of lunatics. For as much as they raised his blood pressure, however, he could think of no one safer to rely on than Luffy and his crew. Most pirates couldn’t be trusted not to bail on an alliance the second the going got rough, but Luffy always saw things through to the end, whether it was a game of Poker (which he always lost), or taking down an emperor of the sea. And despite their complaints, every last member of his crew would pinch their nose and follow him through the fires of Hell. You couldn't pay most people to do what they did for whatever meager funds they managed to scrounge up from grateful peasants and royals rendered practically penniless by some calamity or another; not even with the fortune of a Celestial Dragon.
In fact, one of the most convenient things about working with the Strawhats was that, unlike other crews who would have expected a small fortune just to consider performing a favor this big…
“You can’t seriously expect Luffy to help you with something this dangerous for free!” said Nami, and Law could already see the berries in her eyes. “We may have been allies once, but we’re still rival crews!”
…they were extremely easy to buy.
“I’ve already paid,” said Law.
“What?” said Nami, looking surprised. “When?”
Law jerked his thumb in the direction of the straw-hatted pirate captain to his left that was presently shoving a massive turkey leg into his bottomless gullet.
“I fed him, so now he has to help me,” said Law. Surely they’d figured out how this worked by now; Law had picked up on the pattern by the time they left Wano. “Right, Luffy?”
With both hands covering his mouth to hold in the unfathomable amount of food currently filling his ballooned cheeks, Luffy stiffly nodded. “Mmhmm!”
“Luffy!” snapped Nami, slamming her palms down on the table. “He’s asking you to risk your life, you know!”
Luffy swallowed, his throat bulging as the meat descended to his stomach.
“So?” said Luffy.
His entire crew collectively sighed.
“No talking him out of it once he’s made up his mind,” said Usopp, throwing up his hands.
“We’ll keep the Sunny close to the Red Line in case things go sideways,” said Zoro, leaning back in his seat.
“Wha- Zoro!” cried Nami, aghast. “Just because Luffy’s agreed to this doesn’t mean we need to get involved! Law said he just needed one person, right?”
“It’s a crew’s job to support their captain,” said Zoro. He picked up the expensive, top-shelf bottle of sake that Law had gifted him not an hour earlier and took a few long gulps. His tongue swiped the rim as he set the bottle back down to pick up any droplets of alcohol that threatened to drip to the table below. “Aaaah…”
“It’s no use,” bemoaned Chopper. “He’s been bought.”
“Strategically bribing the strongest people in the crew to get what he wants…” murmured Usopp. “I wouldn’t expect anything less from the Surgeon of Death.”
Sanji’s resigned eyes snapped open upon hearing Usopp’s words, and he suddenly rocketed to his feet and slammed his fist down on the table. “This is ridiculous! You think this crew can be bought with one meal and an overpriced bottle of alcohol?” He pointed to the bottle in Zoro’s hand. “That doesn’t even pair well with the food you’re eating! Steak is a wine dish!”
“I left your gift on the ship,” said Law calmly. “I didn’t think the restaurant would appreciate me bringing in a chef’s knife from the limited-run Silver Teagarden collection.”
Sanji swiftly sat back down, his fury instantly calmed. “As I was saying, you shouldn’t think that you need to bribe us, Law. We may be rival pirate crews, but we have a history together. Of course we’ll support you when you need it!”
“You just wanted to be included!” accused Usopp and Chopper in almost perfect unison.
“Still,” said Franky. “Are you sure you want Luffy’s help for this?”
“It’s like you said,” said Law. “Marie Geoise is one of the most dangerous places in the world for pirates, especially after it was invaded by revolutionaries. The officials there are on high alert, and they’ll be searching people thoroughly for weapons. I need someone strong enough to handle themselves in a sea of high-level marines with nothing but their fists. Obviously, the hope is that it won’t come to that, but it’s not a risk we can afford to ignore.”
“Luffy isn’t the only one here who doesn’t use a weapon,” said Robin.
Law frowned. It was true that Robin would be the ideal Strawhat for the actual infiltration part, but… “I appreciate the offer, but I need someone who can use haki. The place is going to be crawling with logias.”
Robin laughed. “I was talking about Jimbei.”
Law’s eyes flitted over to the giant blue fishman sitting next to Luffy on the other side. “Unfortunately, the role I need filled requires somebody who looks the part, and a fishman is going to stick out like an open fracture. No offense.”
“None taken,” said Jimbei. “If you’re going to be infiltrating a place like Mary Geoise, it makes sense that you’d need a human, especially given the type of people who live there.” He grimaced.
Sanji loudly cleared his throat. “If it’s just a matter of having a human who can fight without weapons-”
“It wouldn’t work with you, either,” said Law, much to Sanji’s visible annoyance. Before he could object, Law continued: “It’s not an issue of strength. Your appearance would just be a dead giveaway.” And in any case, Sanji’s past experiences on Kamabakka that he’d drunkenly divulged one night while they were laying low in Wano would only further guarantee his refusal.
“And Luffy’s wouldn’t be?” said Nami, raising an eyebrow. “He's an emperor of the sea! His face is one of the most recognizable in the entire Grand Line!”
“Trust me,” said Law, a small smile tugging at his lips. “No one will think it’s him.”
“That’s awfully vague,” mused Brook. “What makes you so sure?”
“Well, seeing as Luffy has already agreed to do this, and I know that he never backs down on an agreement…” said Law, making it a point to emphasize the second part so Luffy could hear. “I guess I can share the details with you.”
Luffy set down the plate he was in the middle of licking to grin and triumphantly raise his fork. “That’s right! The Strawhats never shy away from danger!”
“Please don’t include the rest of us in those kinds of proclamations…” groaned Usopp.
“Here’s the plan,” said Law. He reached into his coat pocket to retrieve a white envelope sealed with gold. (Not golden wax. Actual gold. Celestial Dragons were extra like that.) Inside was a gaudy invitation sparkling with glitter made from a combination of gold flakes and ground-up diamonds. “This is an invitation to the Celestial Gala. It’s being hosted by the one who bought Bepo. The cards are stamped with a special type of transponder snail slime recognized by the source snail via a process called Radula-Flagged Identification, or RFID for short. It’s next to impossible to forge; I had to kidnap the king this invitation belonged to in order to get it.”
Usopp’s face suddenly went deathly pale. “You did what with a king?”
“Well, that explains where he got the money for the bribes,” said Nami.
Law shrugged. “You guys kidnap royals all the time; I'm just following your captain’s example.”
“Since when have we kidnapped a-” began Usopp, only for Robin to interrupt:
“Rebecca,” she said. “And Shirahoshi.”
“Those were consensual kidnappings!” argued Usopp.
“Anyway,” continued Law, “my crew is keeping him and everyone sailing with him imprisoned in the brig until after the gala. Apparently he was coming back from a vacation to some tropical island all the way in West Blue, so we should have plenty of time before anyone realizes his ship was intercepted.” He opened up the card. “I’d rather keep the number of kidnapped nobles to a minimum, so this is the only invitation we’ll have.”
“But didn’t you say you were bringing Luffy?” said Zoro. “How are you going to get both of you in with one ticket?”
Law began to read the message aloud:
“‘To King Goldstrike Galen,’” he began. “‘We are pleased to inform you that the quality of your kingdom’s Heavenly Tribute has been deemed sufficient to qualify for an invitation to the Celestial Gala. Your discounted entry fee of 500,000,000 berries must be delivered to Mary Geoise within two months of the Gala, or a team will be dispatched to your homeland to collect, along with an added late fee of 1,000,000,000 berries. Attendance is mandatory.’”
“Sorry, that was the discounted rate?” said Usopp, sounding certain that he must have misheard.
“‘A single plus one is included with your ticket at no extra cost,’” continued Law. “‘As our guest list must remain carefully curated in order to uphold the prestige of the event - as well as the safety of its attendees - your list of potential plus ones has been selected and preapproved for you based on the results of our background check. Please refer to the attached list for your options.’”
Law pulled a list from a paper pocket within the invitation card and unfolded it to reveal a ‘list’ of exactly one name.
“This is the person who Luffy will be impersonating,” said Law, and the entire crew - Luffy included - leaned in for a better look.
Queen Goldstrike Calista
Every eye at the table suddenly widened and flitted towards Luffy.
“Wait a second,” said Luffy, scrutinizing the paper intensely. “Queen? As in…” His entire body stiffened, his mouth hanging open as it slowly dawned on him just what he’d agreed to. His entire crew sat in silence around the table, a level of quiet so uncharacteristic of the Strawhats that Law was briefly convinced he must have spontaneously gone deaf. “I have to pretend to be your WIFE?”
Law could see Sanji purse his lips and shrink back into his seat, clearly praying that no one remembered he’d volunteered for this role just moments ago.
Usopp was the first to speak:
“Oh!” he said. “So that's why it had to be Luffy!”
From the sudden look of regret on his face, it seemed he instantly understood that he'd made a mistake. His eyes locked with Luffy's, and he didn't have time to react before a pair of rubber arms shot across the table to grip him by the lapels.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” said Luffy, his voice sounding equal parts terrified and upset.
“W-well,” stammered Usopp, and Law could almost see the gears grinding in his head as this man who'd never once struggled to weave tapestries of lies in all the time Law had known him suddenly struggled to come up with an explanation that would satisfy his captain. “It's just, uh… You know… You're, umm…” His shoulders drooped as he seemingly realized that the best thing he could do was try to break it to Luffy gently. “...You'd be less likely to get caught.”
It was a good effort, but unfortunately, not good enough.
“WHY WOULD I BE LESS LIKELY TO GET CAUGHT?” demanded Luffy, shaking Usopp violently. “I’m a man! A MAN!”
“I KNOW!” cried Usopp as he was jostled like a maraca in the hands of a coke addict. “BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT YOU’RE THE PRETTIEST MAN ON THE SHIP!”
Luffy suddenly froze in place, the sparkle in his eyes fading to a matte black. “...What did you just say?”
“Now you’ve done it,” sighed Nami.
“WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?” said Luffy again, his grip on Usopp tightening as he somehow began shaking him at an even greater frequency than before.
Zoro placed a hand on Luffy's shoulder and gently pulled him back into his seat.
“You heard him,” said Zoro.
Luffy spun around, a small twinkle of hope in his despairing eyes that Zoro - his first crew member, and a man who could always be trusted to tell it like it is - would clear up this misunderstanding, and perhaps even chastise Usopp for letting his lies get so out of hand.
“It's time you learned the truth,” said Zoro gravely.
“What truth?” said Luffy in a small voice. “Zoro?”
Zoro exhaled. Luffy frantically looked around at his crew, all of whom swiftly averted their eyes.
“You're…” said Zoro. “...adorable.”
From the look on Luffy’s face, you'd think he'd just been handed a death sentence. (Well, at least how one would expect a normal person to handle a death sentence. Luffy had the self-preservation instincts of a suicidal lemming, so it was entirely possible that certain death would actually bother him less.)
“No…” whispered Luffy. “No! It's not true! You're lying!”
“I'm afraid not,” said Jimbei, his confirmation of Zoro's words visibly furthering Luffy's distress.
“B-but I'm muscular!” cried Luffy, pulling up his shirt to point out his impressive abs and prominent cum gutters.
“Nami,” said Zoro. “Mirror.”
Nami solemnly withdrew a small makeup mirror from her bag and turned it towards Luffy so he could look at himself.
“See that?” said Zoro. “Round face, big eyes, lean build…”
Luffy grasped at his face. “But-”
“Your voice, too,” said Usopp, rubbing the spots on his shoulders where Luffy had been gripping him. “How high-pitched was it before you hit puberty for you to still sound like a preteen now?”
“I-” began Luffy, only to grimace and attempt to dramatically lower his pitch. “...I don't sound like a preteen!”
“I'm sorry we never told you,” sniffled Franky. “We knew the truth would break your heart!”
Luffy's face scrunched up in despair, tears flowing from his eyes like waterfalls.
“...How long?” he asked. “How long have I been cute?”
“Luffy…” said Zoro with a sigh. “You've been cute since the day I first met you.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” wailed Luffy, collapsing into his seat and flopping face-down onto the table like a dead fish.
Law rolled his eyes. Luffy hardly even needed the dress at this point; he was already a Grade A drama queen.
“You done coming to grips with reality yet?” said Law.
“It's not true!” Luffy cried, his face buried in his arms. “It can't be true!”
“I've treated people with mortal wounds that didn't whine half as much as this,” said Law. “You're a baby-faced twink with the voice of a castrato. Get over it.”
Luffy suddenly rocketed back upright to grab Law, who didn’t so much as flinch.
“You're a doctor, right?” said Luffy frantically. “Make me look manlier!”
“I don't do cosmetic surgery,” said Law, peeling Luffy's rubber hands off of his coat.
“But you’re a surgeon!”
“I’m both the doctor and captain of the Heart Pirates,” said Law. “I don’t have time to study techniques that don’t directly contribute to the survival of my crew. And before you think to go running off to someone who does, you should know that your body is a massive pain in the ass to operate on. Ever tried to do a bone graft on rubber?”
“Wha- My body isn’t hard to operate on! Chopper does it all the time! Right, Chopper?”
Chopper sunk into his seat. “I’ve actually had to invent at least twenty-seven new surgical techniques specifically to patch you up. Almost a third of our medicine budget is for localized paralytics I designed to temporarily solidify your flesh and bones.”
“B-but…” stammered Luffy.
“Any normal doctor who tried to change the shape of your face would leave you a lopsided disaster because your skull wouldn't hold its shape while they worked,” said Law. “At minimum, you’d need someone who could nullify your powers with haki, and any doctor who can do that is either a pirate or a marine.”
Defeated, Luffy flopped back down on the table, landing face-first in a plate of curry.
“Enough moping,” said Law. “I need you to try on the gown I brought for you.”
“No!” said Luffy, his voice muffled slightly by the rice.
“Quit acting like a child!” scolded Law. “You already agreed to this!”
“I'm not wearing a dress!” said Luffy stubbornly. “Get another invitation!”
“Do you know how hard it was to even get this one?” snapped Law, his patience wearing thin. “I had to steal a copy of the guest list without being noticed, then cross-reference it against the last ten galas’ guest lists to find someone that had never been to one of these events before so no one would recognize that it wasn't him, then kidnap a king in a manner that would ensure no one would notice until after it ended…” Law shook his head. “You're wearing the damn dress.”
“But I don't wannaaaaaaaaa!” whined Luffy. He sat back up and shot Law an accusing glare. “Why don't you be the queen?”
“Even if I thought I could pass for one, there's no way I can trust you to act kingly,” said Law. “Queen Calista wasn't born into nobility, so we'll have a bit of plausible deniability when you inevitably do something stupid.”
“But-”
“Luffy,” interrupted Robin. “Do you know what the manliest thing of all is?”
“Facial hair?” said Luffy, prompting both Sanji and Usopp to stroke the hair of their chins. Law just smirked.
“No,” said Robin, shaking her head. “It's being secure enough in your masculinity that things like what other people think about your appearance don't bother you.”
Luffy deflated like a balloon, clearly having hoped for a different answer. “I guess…”
“Good,” said Law. “Now hurry up and finish eating so I can hand my life savings over to the waitress and get on with this.”
*~*~*~*
Luffy let out a choked noise as Law slammed a foot on his back and yanked on the corset strings to pinch in his waist. His malleable body easily deformed into the desired shape, creating a narrow hourglass figure.
“Hey!” complained Luffy. “Why so tight?”
“You're rubber; quit whining,” said Law, stringing up the corset.
The Sunny's lounge wasn't exactly a locker room, but it provided some measure of privacy compared to the men's quarters, which Luffy had pointedly refused to use so as to avoid the prying eyes of his crew. Aside from Law, the only people he'd allowed into the room to bear witness to his transformation were Nami and Robin, and only after the former had successfully convinced him that they would need a couple women present in case they needed help with makeup or garments that a man might be less familiar with. (Law was pretty sure she just wanted to be around to see her captain’s unwanted makeover, but at the end of the day, they were Luffy's crewmates, not his; who was he to question their illustrious captain's judgment?)
“There,” said Law, setting his foot back down.
“Oh, wow!” said Nami, awed. “It makes him look like he actually has hips!”
Luffy looked down at his body and groaned.
“Arms up,” said Law, and pulled the gown over Luffy's head. He zipped up the back, then stepped out around the front for a better look.
Law nodded approvingly; it seemed he'd chosen the dress well. The red and white gown hid the ruggedness of Luffy's figure perfectly. The thick layers of the skirt emphasized his hips even more than the corset alone did, and the puffed sleeves masked his masculine shoulders and muscular arms. Anyone who saw him without knowing who he was would never guess that there was a scarred-up pirate under all that fabric.
“Luffy!” gushed Nami, her eyes sparkling with delight. “You're gorgeous!”
Luffy groaned again, louder this time.
“Just a few finishing touches…” said Law. He placed a golden tiara encrusted with rubies atop Luffy's head, followed by a necklace of similar materials. “And of course, a queen wouldn't be caught dead at a party without her wedding ring.”
Law lifted Luffy's hand and slipped a gold band over his index finger. Luffy scowled.
“You could at least try to pretend like you're not enjoying this,” muttered Luffy. “I'm doing you a favor, aren't I? You owe me for this, so have a little gratitude!”
Law gripped the top of Luffy's head and squeezed it with enough force for it to deform in his grip.
“Do you remember back in Punk Hazard when I told you to take Ceaser by surprise, and you decided to run up to the front door and challenge him directly?” said Law with a tense smile, leaning in to look Luffy straight in the eyes. “Or when we went to Dressrosa, and you ran off to fight in a tournament without telling anyone? Or how everyone worked their asses off to lay low in Wano just for you to waltz in, punch Kaido in the face, and get yourself arrested, forcing everyone into a desperate scramble to course correct? Do you remember how they caught and tortured me after?”
Luffy pursed his lips, his eyes shifting to the side. “N-no…”
“Well, if you did remember…” said Law. “...I'm sure you’d understand where all my sympathy for your plight disappeared to.”
He released Luffy and took a step back.
“Besides,” said Law. “If we're keeping score, you still owe me for helping out with those kids in Punk Hazard.”
“What? But…” said Luffy, holding up his fingers to count. “You helped with the kids, then I kicked Doflamingo's ass! We're even!”
“Then I helped you with Kaido.”
“Kaido was a team effort!”
Law shook his head. “Don't you remember the terms of our alliance? You help me with Doflamingo, and I'd team up with you for Kaido?”
“B-but…” stammered Luffy.
“And if you want to get technical, you agreed about twenty minutes ago that me feeding you was payment for helping me with this,” said Law. “In other words, you're still indebted to me even after we rescue Bepo.”
Luffy's shoulders drooped. “Aww, man…”
“Do yourself a favor and don't try to play alliance lawyer with me,” said Law. “That’s one fight I can promise you'll never win.”
Luffy pouted, prompting Nami to gently pat his head. “There, there. You could still kick his ass in a fistfight.”
Oddly enough, that did seem to cheer Luffy up. “Yeah! I could, couldn’t I?”
Law’s cheeks burned red. Just because it was true didn’t mean he appreciated having it spelled out like that. “Whatever.”
Luffy stuck his tongue out at him. Meanwhile, Robin tugged at the empty cups of Luffy’s dress.
“The chest area is a little baggy,” she remarked. “We’ll have to either tailor the dress or find something to fill them out with.
“No problem,” said Law, feeling petty after that earlier remark. He looked Luffy straight in the eyes, a devious smirk teasing his lips. “Inflate them.”
From the look of bewilderment on Nami's face, it was clear that she hadn’t thought of that as an option, though Robin's muted reaction of a slight giggle suggested to Law that this didn't come as a surprise. Luffy, for his part, just stared back at him with the horror of a person who’d just witnessed the most unspeakable atrocities imaginable.
“No!” was all he said.
“Mm, so you can’t do it?” said Law. “I would have thought it would be easy for you.”
Luffy glared at him, and Law could see in his eyes that, dumb as he was, even he could sense that he was being blatantly manipulated.
Unfortunately for Luffy, recognizing the manipulation did nothing to dampen its effectiveness.
“I’m gonna kick your ass after we get your bear back,” he promised quietly, and pressed his thumb to his lips.
With a few hard blows, Luffy’s masculine pecs ballooned to an ample bosom.
“Hey, how’s it going in he- sweet mother of God,” said Sanji, his expression rapidly shifting back and forth between one of intense lust and tension as he desperately willed his brain to remember that the magnificent pair of bouncing boobies burbling before him belonged to his empty-headed captain.
“SANJI!” yelped Luffy, looking equal parts angry and humiliated. “Get the hell out of here!”
Sanji covered his eyes so as to avoid dealing with his apparent feelings of confused arousal. “Don’t blame me! I just came in to let you know about the spectators!”
“What are you-" began Luffy, and that was when the four of them noticed that several of Luffy's crew members had slipped into the lounge tanks from the openings above to take a peek at what was going on. Usopp, Franky, Zoro… Even Chopper and Brook had apparently entrusted their fellow crew to carry them in the water so they, too, could get a look.
Law couldn’t help but be impressed by the dedication.
“WHAT THE HELL, GUYS?” shouted Luffy.
Bubbles poured from his crewmates’ mouths as they frantically hauled ass back up and out of the tanks.
“Don’t even think about it,” said Nami, grabbing both of Luffy’s fists before he could punch straight through the glass. “There’s a month’s worth of fish in there! Wait until you’re outside to beat them up!”
Luffy plopped himself down on the sofa and pouted. “I’m their captain, damn it! If I tell them to stay out, they're supposed to stay out!”
“I’ll be sure to give them all a good scolding for you,” Robin assured him, ruffling his hair. Despite her words, Law could have sworn he saw the faintest dusting of pink across her cheeks. Was he imagining things, or…? “For now, let’s get that scar covered up, hm? We don’t want to take any chances that other people might recognize you.”
Luffy nodded glumly. “Yeah. Thanks, Robin.”
It was subtle, but the sheer speed with which Robin prepared her makeup brush only further cemented it in Law’s mind; she was downright excited for a chance to bring out her captain’s inner cuteness with a full makeover.
“Close your eyes,” said Robin as she began brushing on foundation.
About ten solid minutes of prep later, and Luffy’s transformation was complete. His scarred-up skin had been smoothed out, and his cheeks pinkened with blush. His lips had been colored ruby-red, and his eyelashes had been darkened and volumized by mascara.
Law bit his tongue. Damn it; he’d known from the beginning that Luffy could pull it off, but he hadn’t expected it to look this good. If he wasn’t careful, this was going to turn into a major distraction. He couldn’t afford to lose focus with Bepo’s life hanging in the balance.
“Oh my God!” squealed Nami, fawning over Luffy as he stared hollowly into the mirror Robin was holding up in front of him. “You’re so cute!”
“Traffy…” said Luffy weakly. “Are you sure we can’t just run in and beat everyone up?”
“They have Bepo,” said Law. “If we run in the way you usually do, they could use him as a hostage, or worse.”
Luffy dipped his head. “Uuuuuuuuuugh…”
While Luffy complained, Law summoned up a room and began using his powers to take in the dress by cutting out slivers of fabric along the seam lines and sticking it back together. Queens didn't wear clothes as-is, after all; they had them tailored for a perfect fit.
“He can do that?” said Nami, visibly jealous. “I thought your power was supposed to be for surgery!”
“Tailoring is basically just fabric surgery,” said Law. It was true that it wasn’t exactly the intended use for his power, but neither was most of the stuff he did with it in combat.
“And what about your disguise?” said Robin, looking at Law. She eyed his tattoos. “In all my travels, I have yet to see a king with ‘death’ printed on his fingers.”
“Shambles,” said Law.
His clothing was instantly replaced by an elegant, form-fitting red suit with long sleeves and white gloves to cover the tattoos in question.
“He can change clothes instantly, too?” said Nami. “Aaaagh, I'd kill for a power like that…”
“You and every other pirate in the New World,” said Law. He looked at Luffy. “If I die on this mission, make sure my fruit goes to a doctor. It's wasted on anyone else.”
“Hey!” said Nami, indignant.
Luffy gave him a thumbs-up. “And if I die, make sure mine goes to someone fun!”
“What's with the death talk, all of a sudden?” huffed Nami. “It's a quick rescue mission, right? In and out; twenty minute adventure. You'll be fine.”
“I'm staking my life on Luffy's ability to act like a queen,” said Law. He glanced over at Luffy, who was currently knuckle-deep in his own nose, taking full advantage of his rubber body to stick his finger in as far as possible. “Can you blame me for preparing for the worst?”
Nami followed his gaze and grimaced. “You sure you don't want to take someone else?”
Law shook his head. “There are too many ways this plan could go wrong. Galen or his guards could manage to get a message to Marie Geoise with some hidden transponder snail, or they could have some periodic check-in call with his homeland that would alert them to their king being in danger earlier than expected. There's a very real chance we could be walking straight into an ambush, in which case they'll have prepared some sort of counter for my powers. If that's the case, I'll need someone strong capable of dealing with the situation, and who they wouldn't expect me to be working with; that makes my own crew a no-go.”
“Are you sure they wouldn't expect you to be working with Luffy?” said Robin. “It's not exactly a secret that the Strawhats and Heart Pirates are on good terms; we've cooperated on multiple notable ventures over the past year. If they know you're coming, it’s possible they'll expect you to have enlisted our help.”
“Everything we've done together so far, your crew had something to gain, even if it was just notoriety,” said Law. “Marines operate under the assumption that every alliance between pirates is strictly transactional. And normally, that's a pretty reasonable assumption to make.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Bribes aside, you guys have nothing of substance to gain from helping me with a stealth mission. If it goes well, nobody will even know you were involved. And if it goes poorly, a picture of your captain wearing a ball gown is going to be front-page news.”
“Ugh, don't remind me!” groaned Luffy, prodding his inflated chest. “If Sabo and gramps see me like this, I might actually die!”
“Don't forget Shanks,” said Robin cheerfully.
Luffy buried his face in his hands. “Aaaaaaagh!”
“Speaking of Shanks…” said Nami. “You'll have to leave your hat with us.”
“What?” cried Luffy. “Why?”
“Queens don't wear straw hats,” said Law. “And the tiara isn't gonna be able to cover it.”
Luffy gripped his own cheeks and tugged them downward in distress. “Fine!”
“Queens don't stretch, either,” Robin reminded him.
Luffy released his cheeks and let them snap back into place, then crossed his arms over his chest to pout like a child. “Being a queen sucks! How does Vivi put up with this?”
“The party will have a buffet of meat and desserts from all over the world,” said Law.
Luffy’s eyes lit up. For as chaotic as he was, he was shockingly easy to manage once you knew which buttons to push.
“I guess I can deal with it for a little while…” he mumbled, looking away.
“My crew will come by to pick us up with Galen’s ship first thing in the morning,” said Law. “We’ll be heading straight to the gala. And since we don’t want to risk you or your ship being spotted near Galen’s by anyone sailing nearby, you’ll have to change before you board.
“What?” cried Luffy. “What was the point of hiding in here if my crew is gonna have to see me like this when we leave?”
“There wasn’t one,” said Law, turning to leave while Luffy angrily stomped his foot and shouted obscenities at his back.
*~*~*~*
Luffy stood before his crew with pursed lips, straining to maintain some sense of presence and dignity in spite of the attire he found himself in. Remarkably, the elegant dress and skillful application of makeup actually served to enhance the effect, creating an almost regal presence that gave Law a small boost of confidence that they might just be able to pull this off without it turning into a total disaster. Not a lot of confidence, but he would take what he could get.
He took his straw hat in his hands and carefully looked over his crew.
“...Zoro,” he said after a moment of thought, and held out his hat. “Take good care of this while I'm gone, okay?”
Zoro nodded solemnly as he took the hat in hand, looping it over his head so it hung over his shoulders. “I'll guard it with my life, captain.”
“And the rest of you…” said Luffy, eyeing the rest of his crew. “Make sure he doesn't wander off on his own with my hat! I want at least two people on him at all times!”
“Hey!” snapped Zoro.
“Aye-aye, captain!” said Usopp, and the others nodded in agreement. “Someone get the leash!”
“On it!” said Nami, already looping a rope around an indignant Zoro's waist.
“I'm not a damned dog!” he said angrily.
“Sorry, Zoro,” said Usopp. “As long as that hat's in your care, we can't risk you getting lost again.”
“Luffy!” snapped Zoro. “Tell them to get this off me!”
Luffy turned to Sanji and spoke in one of the most serious voices Law had ever heard from him outside a combat situation: “If he tries to escape, you take over hat watch.”
“Got it,” said Sanji, shooting Zoro a smirk. “Don't worry; I'll make sure the moss-puppy doesn’t run off.”
Zoro growled at him, canines bared. “You son of a-”
“Alright, time to go,” said Law as Galen’s ship rounded the rocks of the cove they’d hidden themselves in. Hakugan waved from the helm, having disguised himself (as had the rest of Law’s crew) in attire befitting a king’s helmsman. They had to look legitimate on arrival, after all; royalty didn’t travel unaccompanied.
“Woah!” said Luffy as he and his crew looked up at the gaudy, jewel-encrusted ship in awe. “That ship is almost as gold as Enel's!”
“I'm amazed it can even float,” murmured Usopp.
“It’s not that impressive,” mumbled Franky. “The foremast is crooked.”
“Really?” said Usopp. “I don’t see it.”
“It’s off by a whole quarter of a degree!” said Franky, crossing his arms over his chest and shaking his head. “Sloppy.”
The gangway extended down to the Sunny’s deck. Penguin and Shachi were first to cross, dressed in matching red-and-gold suits.
“Ready, cap-” began Penguin, only for the both of them to notice Luffy. Their eyes started at his face and trailed down to his ample bosom.
“Holy crap,” said Shachi, his cheeks going red.
“Is that Strawhat?” said Penguin, looking equally flustered.
“Fuck off,” snapped Luffy, marching straight past them with dual middle fingers extended in their directions. “Let's get this over with.
“...If I said he was hot, would that make me gay?” said Penguin after a moment.
“Never too late to reevaluate your sexuality,” said Shachi, his gaze still locked onto Luffy's impressive figure. “Damn.”
Law gripped both of their shoulders tightly as he passed between them and, in a voice too quiet for anyone but them to hear, gave a stern warning:
“If anyone lays a hand on him, their dick is getting shambled onto the hull for the next six months.”
The two of them stiffened in place.
“On second thought, I don't think he's my type,” said Shachi swiftly.
“Yeah, I'm more into redheads anyway,” added Penguin.
Law released their shoulders and gave them an approving pat. “That's what I thought.”
He strode onto the ship after Luffy, confident that Penguin and Shachi would spread the word to the rest of the crew.
Unlike some captains who always kept the best treasure for themselves, Law had always taken care to divide loot equitably between his crew members whenever possible. The few times he did pull rank to call dibs were on items that held no value to the rest of them anyway; no one on his crew was going to complain about missing out on a set of obsidian scalpels or limited-edition Sora merch.
This treasure, though… Law's gaze trailed up and down Luffy’s body, his expression unchanging. He suspected Luffy wouldn't be interested in most of his crew anyway - the man could barely remember the names of anyone he hadn't either fought with or been fed by - but damn if the thought of anyone’s hands but his own parting that bloodthirsty lunatic's soft rubber thighs didn't spark feelings of anger. He wasn't so entitled as to think he had any real claim over Luffy; it wasn't like they were dating. Hell, he didn't even know if Luffy was into men (though he sure hadn't seemed interested in Hancock). The fact of the matter was that Luffy had the right to kiss or fuck whoever he wanted.
But Law would be damned if that person was one of his own crewmates. It wasn't like him to be the jealous type, but his inconvenient infatuation with Luffy was a whole different beast. Had it just been sexual attraction, he'd have already gone ahead and propositioned him by now; getting rejected by someone he just wanted to fuck was unfortunate, but otherwise no big deal. But getting rejected by someone he wanted to date?
Law frowned as he stared down at Luffy from the helm. That would be a little harder to deal with. But as long as he said nothing, he could go on pretending that Luffy might actually say yes if he asked.
…God, he was pathetic.
“Take us down to four hundred feet,” said Law to Hakugan without tearing his eyes off the cross-dressing pirate captain currently demanding Law’s crew tell him where the kitchen was so he could distract himself from his predicament with meat.
“Uh, captain?” said Hakugan. “This isn’t a submarine, remember?”
Shit. “Force of habit. Just get us out of here.”
“Yes, sir!”