Work Text:
7 - elevator
Buck sighed as he made his way into the firehouse. It was going to be another long day.
Ever since Buck had returned to the firehouse after the lawsuit, things had been tense between him and the 118.
His team, his family had decided that Buck was to blame for all the mess and that he wouldn’t be forgiven that easily.
Buck had nearly begged them on his knees to forgive him but nothing had worked. He received the cold shoulder wherever he was.
Buck was no stranger to being lonely. He had spent years in the road, trying to figure out where to go and what to do but it still had been different back then. Back then he had been alone, knowing that there was no one to turn to.
But this time had knew that his found family, his friends were right in front of him, just not seeing him anymore.
It was like the lawsuit had burned all of the bridges. Like he was the devil for fighting what mattered the most to him.
Buck was alone. Isolated. Every time he walked into the firehouse he was reminded that he had screwed up.
Bobby usually handed him a list with chores instead of saying good morning.
Chim and Hen kept their conversation flowing when he walked into the locker room, not even looking at him.
Eddie didn’t joke about his eating habits anymore because Buck wasn’t invited to sit with them anymore.
He spent his time usually in the locker room or outside the bay, eating a sandwich or sometimes only a granola bar before going back to work.
Buck liked to say that he was strong. Mentally. He had endured a lot of things in his life and had always found a way to move forward but lately he was struggling.
The people he loved were close yet so far away that it hurt. He suddenly was alone again. Ditching death three times in the matter of a few months had taken its toll on Buck as well leaving him struggling.
Money was tight and Buck didn’t feel like going back to therapy. The images of the last time still haunting him.
He tried to deal with everything on his own but the nightmares only seemed to be getting worse, keeping him awake most nights.
Buck was used the being man behind at the station as well. He hadn‘t been allowed out on calls since he had come back four weeks ago.
Lately Buck thought a lot about transferring out.
My house, my rules
Bobby had said but it felt like there was no moving forward. Buck tried to work on his behavior, tried to follow orders without questioning. He tried not to be too much, too loud. He tried not to be exthausting - just like Eddie had said. Buck tried to suck it up.
So when Bobby approached him without a list in his hands Buck frowned.
„Chim call out sick today so you‘re out on calls with us,“ Bobby said with a steady voice, his face holding no emotions.
„Yes, cap,“ Buck replied. No questions asked. Take orders like soldier.
On the inside Buck was excited. He had waited so long for this day so when the bell rang twenty minutes later Buck was the first to jump into the rig.
„We have one victim stuck under a closet that fell over. Eddie and Buck you get this thing off, Hen you‘re looking for injuries. Victim is alert and responding.“
Buck could see Eddie wince next to him and it hurt him but he didn’t say anything.
Once they arrived at the scene they all got out of the car and took whatever they thought they would need.
„You guys take the elevator. I‘m taking the stairs,“ Hen instructed and once again Buck didn‘t argue.
He saw Eddie hesitate right next to him, looking after Hen. It was clear as a day that he didn’t want to be on the elevator with Buck but then the doors opened and he stepped in after Buck.
The pressed the button to the fifth floor, the elevator started moving and a few moments later it happened.
The lift suddenly shook before coming to a screeching halt, lights flickering before pinching the elevator pitch black.
The emergency exit sign was the only thing illuminating the elevator now.
Both Eddie and Buck managed to hold onto the wall of the side of the lift.
„Shit,“ Eddie said out loud and turned to Buck. „You okay?“
Buck nearly choked as he realized that Eddie was talking to him. That was new.
„Y..yeah. Let‘s get the door open,“ Buck quickly told his former best friend and grabbed for some of the tools they had brought with them.
Silently the two of them got to work and managed to pry open the door kush enough to realize that they were in between floors.
„Just perfect,“ Eddie grumbled and reached for his radio.
„Hey cap? Do you copy?“
„Copy Diaz What‘s going on? We lost power on the entire block.“
„We‘re stuck in the elevator. No harm,“ Eddie replied.
„Copy that. Hang in there, it might take a little while.“
Eddie huffed at Bobby’s words and plopped down on the floor.
Buck tried to take a few calming breaths. He was a firefighter so situations like this weren’t new to him.
„Hey Eddie can we….“ he started to speak, seeing Eddie roll his eyes before he could finish his sentence.
Speak.
The words died on his lips.
„No,“ Eddie’s reply came clear and sharp just a second later and Buck knew that it was better not to argue.
So he closed his mouth and focused on breathing instead.
In and out. In and out.
Images flashed in front of Bucks eyes. The truck bombing, choking in his own blood, the tsunami.
He felt pain in his leg as he remember being crushed down by a firetruck, no way out. He remembered feeling utterly helpless, scared, panicked.
Buck remembered being stuck in the tsunami, waiting for the first wave, the water swallowing him. He remembered not being able to get away and now he was stuck again. No way out.
It was silent inside the elevator but Bucks chest wasn‘t. A faint hum in the air—maybe his own pulse—seemed to grow louder with every second. He tried to focus on the buttons of the lift, but the numbers blurred, slipping away like water through his fingers.
His breath caught.
Not yet, he thought. Not now.
It always started this way: a whisper of unease, a flicker of heat under his skin. Then the whisper grew teeth. His heart began to pound as if it were trying to escape his ribs. The walls seemed closer, the air thinner.
He pressed her palms together, grounding himself in the pressure. He counted—one, two, three—but the numbers tangled. The thought of losing control loomed over him.
Buck was terrified. He didn’t want to have a panic attack in front of Eddie. He didn’t want Eddie to see the mess that he actually was and so Buck tried to breathe trough it but it seemed like nothing was working.
He was panicking, suffocating and his breaths grew more frantic, irritating his lungs, making him cough.
He was losing control. Fast. He needed to get out. Now. Now. Now.
*
Eddie had been scrolling through his phone, not realizing the terror his partner was reliving.
Eddie turned his head when he registered the harsh coughing sound and then he realized that something was wrong.
„Woah, woah, hey!" It took Buck a few seconds through the muddle of his panic to recognize it as Eddie‘s voice. His friends hands grasped his elbows, but his knees were too weak and trembling and his body was too heavy and his head was too light, and he folded to the floor, wheezing.
"Buck?" Eddies urgent tone held a note of anxiety and worry, his hands following him down to the floor, coming up to grab at his face when they finally landed down.
"Buck, hey! What happened? Are you hurt?"
"E..Ed...die.“ Buck managed through the heavy, strangled gasps, the terror that rushed all throughout his body and seized his heart overwhelming him. And damn it! He didn't want this. He didn't want Eddie to worry and know that he wasn't holding it all together as well as he thought. He had enough on his plate as it was.
"M'fi-ine-"
"Like hell you are!" Eddie growled.
Buck figured that was not bound to work when he was actually choking the words out.
Eddie‘s gaze flicked up and down his body, examining for any serious, life-threatening injuries. No blood. He wasn't clutching at anything except the bottom side of Eddies turnout coat, fingers curling into the material. He seemed to have caught on that it wasn't any agony from physical injuries making him suffocate like this, but rather something very emotional and mental.
But then something else happened and it was something that Buck dreaded the most: warmth spread across his lap. The rush of shame hit harder than the panic itself.
Not here. Please.
Eddie paused when the smell of urine filled the small cabin and in that moment his heart broke inside of his chest.
He knew what a panic attack looked like and he knew that this was a body reaction but it still hurt Eddie to witness it. Right in front of him was the strongest man he had ever known.
But apparently he didn’t know Buck anymore and it occurred to him that this wasn‘t happening for the first time.
"Alright," he muttered gently. "Alright. Hey." He hauled him into his arms by his elbows, Bucks chin pressing into his shoulder, mouth gaping as he struggled to breathe. He tried to adjust Bucks body against his in a more comfortable position, and when he secured him properly, gripped the back of his head, the other hand scrabbling to reach for his.
"Where's your hand?" he muttered, trying to keep calm and composed, fingers clambering down his right arm, the one that was closest and not occupied with gripping Eddie‘s jacket, with a slight, controlled franticness. "Gimme your hand."
When he finally caught it, he tugged it up and placed it against his own chest. "You feel that?" he murmured, settling his cheek against the side of his head. "Come on, Buck. Breathe with me. Just breathe." He inhaled and exhaled deeply, ruffling his hair and close to his ear, his chest rising and falling against Bucks hand.
Buck tried to follow the rhythm of the sounds of his breathing in his ear through his strained, spasmodic wheezes, the up and down motions of his friend‘s chest. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to focus on drawing in air, on letting Eddie‘s steady heartbeat mollify his own rapid heartbeats, the regularity of them gradually washing the panic away.
When he began to settle down after a couple of minutes, his heart not quite trying to slam out of his ribs and his breaths a little more in his control, Eddie encouraged,
"That's it. You're doing good, Buck." He tightened his grip around his back briefly, brought his palm up to the nape of his neck behind his locks and squeezed it. "Shh… everything's okay. You're safe. You're safe. I got you."
They stayed like that for a few more minutes, Buck breathing stabilizing. Eddie kept on saying sweet things to Buck, running his hands through his hair, grounding him.
„Eddie how are you doing in there? Power should be back any second now,“ Bobby’s voice cut through the silence and he felt Buck flinch.
They were still on a call, had a job to do but Eddie’s entire focus was on Buck. Buck who had just experienced the most horrible panic attack, Buck who was still silently crying.
„Alright cap. Buck is …“ Eddie started to say not wanting to give too much away but needing Bobby to get the point.
„..not doing too well right now. You think you can help Hen with the victim?“
„Hen is already downstairs and it was a lot easier than expected so the victim is not trapped anymore. You two get down and to the car I‘ll help Hen.“
„Just a little while longer, baby.“ Eddie whispered into Bucks ear, pressing a soft kiss to Buck's curls.
**
The rest of the call went by in a blur. It took another ten minutes until the lift started moving again.
Eddie looked over at Buck who looked wrecked. His eyes were red and puffy from crying, his hands still trembling a little and Buck looked beat.
Eddie managed to get Buck into a standing position, his knees nearly giving out again. Eddie knew that the least Buck needed right now was attention and so he refrained himself from wrapping his turnout coat over Buck's middle, knowing that it'd look suspicious.
Their work pants were wide and dark so luckily there wasn't that much to see.
"Just lean on me," Eddie instructed softly as he guided Buck out of the building.
He could see Bobby and Hen glancing over at them, sending him questioning looks but Eddie only shook his head and Hen nodded her head, silently telling Eddie that she had understood whilst Bobbys eyes lingered longer but the captain also didn't step closer and so Eddiesomehow managed to get Buck to the engine.
He helped Buck climb into the rig, the young man plopping down on the seat like a doll whose strings had been cut.
"Just a little while longer," Eddie said soothingly and noticed that Buck was still shaking, tremors wracking through his body. Eddie then reached for a warm blanket, that they always carried with them in case one of them had to do a water rescue or some other situation, and pulled it over Buck.
Bucks fingers shakily grabbed the grey blanket and he pulled it over his shoulders, sagging against the window, eyes fluttering shut.
The smell of urine was high in the air but Eddie didn't care at all. His heart broke when he looked at Buck. Buck who always put everyone else first, Buck who was fearless and strong, Buck who had suffered so much over the past few months. Eddie had been too caught up in his own grief and anger that he had let this happen. He was supposed to have Bucks' back but he had abandoned him.
Hen sat down in the front next to Bobby, glancing at Eddie for a split second, her eyes silently telling everything he needed to hear.
Tell me what you need whenever you need me
A little while later Buck found himself back at the firehouse. He didn’t remember the drive back.
Eddie was hovering behind him, guiding him, helping and Buck let it happen.
He was too tired to argue.
„Go take and shower and then go to the bunks. I‘ll be there shortly,“ Eddie said softly and Buck nodded his head before shuffling away.
Eddie made his way upstairs to the kitchen where Hen and Bobby were sipping on some coffee, looking at Eddie with their eyebrows raised.
„What‘s going on?“
Eddie poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down at the table, looking between Bobby and Hen.
„He had a major panic attack on the elevator. I don’t know details but this has to stop now. It has been going on for too long.“
Hen nodded her head.
„I agree with Eddie on this. He‘s withering away right in front of us. But this is Buck. He‘s family and it is time that we start acting like one again.“
Bobby nodded his head and looked at Eddie.
„Are you looking after him?“
„Yes, cap. I‘ll make sure that he is okay.“
**
When Eddie balanced a tray with food and a glass of water into the bunkroom, he saw Buck lying on the cot furtherst away from the door.
He had a blanket pulled over his body and looked small and fragile despite his usual height.
„Hey baby,“ Eddie said softly, not wanting to startle Buck. „I brought you some food,“ he explained.
„Thanks,“ came the reply, barely more then a whisper.
„Buck how long have you been dealing with panic attacks? What triggered it today?“ Eddie blurted out, demanding answers.
„Why do you suddenly care?“
The reply was like a punch to the face and Eddie winced but also knew that he couldn’t blame Buck.
Over the last few weeks his friend had been suffering in silence, no one to turn to.
„Buck I am so sorry about the way I treated you. I should’ve been there for you.“
„I‘m sorry about the lawsuit. I just needed my job back,“ Buck explained and Eddie only nodded his head.
„I‘m not mad anymore. I was wrong. So wrong. I missed you so much and I‘m here for you now. We‘ll get through this together, cariño.“
„Being trapped,“ Buck spoke up and Eddie looked at him confused. „It triggered the panic attack. I was trapped beneath that truck, trapped in the tsunami and today I was trapped again.“
Buck talked about the panic, being isolated and left out, being alone
By the end of their conversation but men were hugging and crying, promising each other to never leave.
For the first time in months Buck felt hopeful that things were going to be okay again.