Chapter Text
Everyone in the circus knew the first few weeks of being there were hell. It was never surprising when a new person would freak out or run away or start swinging at anything that moves. Whether the other members cared or not was a different story, but it was at least a known fact.
Ragatha knew it all too well. Being the second oldest, she had seen countless come into the circus just to abstract the same month, week, or even day. Sometimes they would never even get their name. Those were always the most awkward funerals, the ones where they didn’t have any photos or belongings of theirs. She always somehow felt the most empathy for those people. Maybe it was because she never knew who they really were. Maybe just the fact they lasted so little time while she lasted longer than anyone should have. But she knows its mostly because she would’ve been the exact same if it weren’t for Kinger and Queenie.
She had a rough start. She came in while the others were on an adventure, with no one around, not even Caine, to comfort her or tour her around. The circus was so much scarier with no one there to explain what was going on. She ended up doing a lot of things while trapped alone, most of them stupid. The ragdoll ran around for hours, ignoring her limits until her legs gave out and she tumbled to the ground. As soon as she realized she couldn’t move, couldn’t escape, she screamed. Screamed her throat raw. The ragdoll truly started crying and panicking as the reality of how fucked she was set in, throwing whatever was around her and letting loud sobs out in between censored curses. She ended up ripping out almost half of her stitches that day. Her arms, legs, and throat were completely torn from her plush hands clawing at them. The only part of her truly untouched was her torso, and only because she didn’t want to rip her dress.
By the time Caine and the other members had gotten back, she couldn’t even look at them. The ragdoll’s head hung limply over her shoulders, like a plushy that had been grabbed by the neck too much. Her entire body was shaking and convulsing in self afflicted agony. Her stuffing was strewn around her, and she was making soft whining and pleading sounds that wouldn't have been heard if everyone else wasn’t deathly silent. The ragdoll would’ve felt ashamed, if she wasn’t in extreme physical and mental anguish.
And the first thing she heard? The first sound she heard since she got here besides her own voice echoed to her? She was told she was already defective. Already ¾ of the way to abstraction. By a f—king sock puppet. Of course, Caine had sewn her back together and fixed her voice with a simple snap, but the damage was done. The ragdoll just took off running after she realized she could stand.
She ran down a random hallway, one with many, many characters on the doors with red Xs over their faces. After many minutes of full sprinting, she had to stop to catch her breath, which was now only coming in short bursts. The red carpet beneath her grew blurry as her tears continued to fall. She was scared. She was tired. She was defective.
After what felt like hours kneeling and panting in the identical red accented corridors, the ragdoll started to feel glitches sprout one by one all over her body. It hurt. Similar to when she had ripped her stitches out, but more jarring and widespread. She thought that was it. She was dead, or at least close enough. The glitches slowly got stronger the more she thought about the endless possibilities to justify whatever the hell was happening to her. As soon as she was nearing her breaking point though, out of the corner of her static and blurry vision, she saw people. More accurately things. They were running at her not much slower than she was running mere moments before.
It was two chess pieces. One resembled a white king chess piece, while the other looked like a black queen chess piece. They both had disconnected hands, big royal purple capes, and misaligned eyes, although the king’s eyes were much more pronounced. They ran towards her with such urgency, it snapped her out of her spiral briefly.
“Oh Jesus! Honey, calm down, it’s all right we aren’t gonna hurt you.” The queen piece said as soon as they were near enough to be heard. Her voice was relatively low for a feminine voice, but still soothing, like a mother talking to her kid who fell off their bike. Oddly enough, the ragdoll felt the glitching subside the slightest amount. It brought the smallest sense of reprieve.
“We’re sorry we weren’t here when you first arrived, that must’ve been terrifying,” The other chess piece said. His voice was the exact opposite, a little high for a masculine voice and had this panicked edge to it, but it was still just as grounding. The ragdoll nodded slightly, feeling the pulsing sensation of the glitches fade a little word by word.
The three of them ended up talking for what felt like hours, with the two older figures, who had fittingly been named ‘Kinger’ and ‘Queenie’, answering any questions the ragdoll had, even long after the glitches had fully subsided. She was still freaking out, but the two guardian figures had made her sobs more cathartic than panicked, and had successfully made all of her glitching disappear. Ragatha found it fascinating to look back and see just how calm they were while saving her from what she now knew was abstraction.
They stayed with her no matter what after that. After she got her name, her first adventure, her first abstraction she was there for, you name it. They comforted her and cheered her through every milestone and small event. Whenever that sock puppet would pull a shitty prank or say something out of line, Kinger would talk to him and Queenie would hold her through it. She never got even close to abstracting after that day.
Until Queenie couldn’t take it anymore.
That was the worst day she had ever had in the circus, even worse than the day she had arrived. Sure she had almost abstracted, but she had also met Kinger and Queenie that day. She had considered them both her family, her friends, her only hope in the circus. And then Queenie was gone.
If Ragatha had just gotten there one minute earlier, she might have been able to return the favor and save her from abstraction. Instead of being there for the glitching though, she was there just in time to see Queenie’s body split in two and sprout a creature with hundreds of eyes that was no longer her mother figure. The new her was violent, loud, and everything Queenie had fought to avoid. And Ragatha couldn’t help her anymore. So she ran. Ran and left Kinger to deal with it by himself.
In hindsight he was probably going through a lot more than she was. Ragatha couldn’t even imagine how he could have felt in that moment. He had known Queenie for much longer, they were literally married, and she was the one who ran. She never figured out what he did after she left, but she didn’t see him until the cellar was opened and the circus got the last glimpse of Queenie it would ever see.
Kinger wasn’t the same after that. He was less lucid, seeming to be drifting through interactions and adventures. He no longer talked to rude circus members after one too many comments, or went up to her and asked how she liked the adventure or how she slept, didn’t even talk in that soothing voice she had grown to love. Ragatha held on to the belief that it was a coping strategy for a while, and that enough kind words and serious talks would bring some version of the old Kinger back. But he didn’t change. Not through the dozens of new members to come in and abstract.
Ragatha at some point decided she couldn’t leave Queenie’s spot empty. Someone needed to welcome in the new members, make sure they never felt like they were alone. Ragatha needed to be the person who held everyone together. Despite her best efforts though, she always felt she was three times smaller than Queenie’s shadow. Queenie was friends with everyone, despite their attitudes. Ragatha annoyed the others.
Who in the circus cared about her by this point? Jax tormented everyone, Zooble was always seemed indifferent about her, Gangle was always even more sad after their interactions, Kinger asked what her name was every other day, and Pomni? Pomni had had the worst first couple of weeks she had seen since she dropped into her circus. And in most ways that was her fault too.
She had convinced Pomni to go get Kaufmo with her instead of just getting him herself, and Kaufmo probably abstracted in the first place due to her lack of care for him and his jokes. Because of her, Pomni’s hand was glitching wildly for most of the adventure, and she had to roam the halls alone with an abstracted person on the loose. And still, Ragatha had the nerve to feel betrayed. She had no right to feel that way. Sure, Pomni went to an exit door instead of helping her, but who wouldn’t in her scenario?
Ragatha would have ran as well. She always ran. Ran the first day she got here, ran from Queenie, ran from Jax, her problems, h—l most of the time reality as well. She had no right to fault Pomni for something she would have done if given the chance on her first day. But it still hurts. And Ragatha hated that it did.
Things just got worse and worse between them every digital day. Ragatha could see Pomni staying farther from her each adventure, and it hurt, but she could barely blame her. Ragatha knew she came off as fake and overbearing to everyone, even if she tried to be genuine. Her true genuine emotions weren’t nice though, and nobody deserved that.
The adventure right now felt different than the last ones. Since Pomni had gotten past her first day, they had nothing but adventures in places made by Caine. This was an outside adventure though, one where they had to catch insects all around the digital field, carnival, and lake. Ragatha visibly shivered when she heard one of the bugs was centipedes, but she was still willing to do it, especially considering how happy Kinger looked with the little bug net in his floating hands. Caine had even supplied them with jars in case they wanted to keep any of the bugs they caught.
The one downside to the adventure was the fact that she was alone. She had picked to look around the lake in hopes that the digital centipedes didn’t like water. This was a peaceful adventure, one where she had time to sit and think. Think about… everything. The circus, her life before that headset, Queenie, her first day, and the tour she had gotten by Caine on her second day, and the lake. The lake took up a lot of her mind at the moment.
Caine had said something about drowning in the digital lake during her tour. It was hard to remember, considering that must’ve been the equivalent of decades ago by now, but she distinctively remembered the morbidly curious thoughts she had for months on end after that. But even then, she had always wondered only what the logistics of it were, considering they couldn’t die here, but she had never really thought about what it would feel like. Now would be the perfect time to see what he meant for herself, wouldn't it?
She always had a reason to not be at the lake alone. Hanging out with Kinger and Queenie later, arranging and attending funerals, helping the newcomers settle it, the list went on. After a while she stopped thinking about the lake all together. But now, staring into the unrealistic dark blue water, it was the perfect opportunity. She just had to jump in.
Ragatha’s heart beat a little faster and she set down the insect net and inched towards the edge of the lake. She just had to jump. There weren’t really any downsides she could think of to trying it now. No one would notice if she didn’t come back in time for the end of the adventure, and worst comes to worst Caine would come grab her. All she had to do was jump. She wanted to jump. Just jump.
Her legs shook as she gave herself a slight running start and launched herself into the deep blue waters. Immediately the hyperrealistic feeling of cold water hit her and chilled her to the bone. She hadn’t expected the water to feel so… real. She relaxed into it little by little, enjoying the first real sensation she had felt in a long time.
She just stayed there a moment, feeling the cool water bring some long forgotten part of her to the surface. The part that would swim in the lake long past curfew and would inevitably get caught and scolded by her mother every time. There was no better feeling than floating mindlessly while hearing the water swell around her. Eventually she started to feel her hair straighten out and knew it was probably time for air. She knew she couldn’t drown, but she had never liked holding her breath. Plus, the memories that had resurfaced made the feeling of holding her breath a little too realistic to be enjoyable.
When Ragatha opened her eyes, the surface looked far away. Much farther than she had anticipated. As she kicked her legs in an attempt to straighten her body upright, she came to a horrific realization. Her legs hung bent under her, just dead weight by this point. No matter how much she tried, every part of her, even her insides, felt soaked. Her insides. S—t, she was a literal plush doll personified. She could feel each significantly waterlogged speck ix stuffing inside of her pushing her body down further into the infinite digital lake. She couldn’t swim up in this condition. She was stuck. She was trapped.
Ragatha began to panic, flailing her arms in an attempt to drag herself upwards. No matter what she tried though, her limbs always ended up at her sides. She suddenly couldn’t help herself and screamed. A part of herself hoped some other member would see the bubbles at the surface and help her, or Caine would sense her anguish and teleport her out. She instinctively breathed in after her vocal cords gave out, only to feel the now ice cold water invade her throat and sink into her stuffed lungs. She started to cough and flail again, ending up sucking in more and more water as time went on. Eventually she couldn’t move at all, only stared up at the surface, now only a small source of light too far up to get to.
This was it. This was how she was going to spend her last moments. Her last memories would be of her limp and cold body sinking further and further into the icy depths of the digital lake. She had imagined herself going in many different ways. An argument that she couldn’t handle, losing a member of the circus she cared a little too much about, thinking about the exit, you name it, but she had never thought of this. At least her death would be creative. As she closed her eyes, she untensed every muscle she could. There was no use in fighting it anymore.
Suddenly she felt the pressure around her dissipate as she landed on the ground with a wet thump. Ragatha gasped and rolled over, coughing out pixelated blue liquid after every pained inhale. Her limbs were even heavier with the digital gravity pushing them to the ground, and she could barely roll over to cough onto the grass. The grass? Since when was she on the grass?
After another coughing fit, she looked up to see where the hell she was, only to see five pairs of eyes staring at her. One pair was like pinwheels, one had yellow eyerises, one was just black outlines, one had one eye bigger than the other, and one had both eyes really misaligned. They were all trained onto her, varying degrees of fear, shock, and disgust visible on all of them. Blinking her eyes to clear out some of the watery haze, she could make out the silhouettes of each one. Everything was still fuzzy, but she could make out the varying heights and shapes of each figure looming over her a little better.
“GOOD GOOLY RAGATHA! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? I DON’T THINK ANY OF THE BUGS I PROGRAMMED SPRAYED THIS MUCH WATER!” Ragatha jumped as a figure she hadn’t noticed before flew to her eye level. A ringmaster with teeth for a face. She tried to respond, only to gargle and cough up more water.
The pixels scraped and burned her plush throat as it forced its way up. Ragatha felt herself getting more lightheaded as she continuously vomited up the low rendered water. She hated the feeling of vomiting, especially in the circus. It made her lose any semblance of control she felt she had left of her body.
“OH DEAR! HERE YOU GO!” With a snap of the teeths- Caine’s fingers, Ragatha felt her limbs again and her chest felt lighter. She immediately sat up and felt all over her plush body. She was bone dry.
“NOW! WHAT HAPPENED? I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SO DISTRESSED SINCE THE FIRST TIME YOU SAW A DIGITAL CENTIPEDE!” Ragatha just stared up uselessly at him, muttering something incoherent under her breath.
What had happened? She was just curious, jumping in the heat of the moment. Something overtook her and she decided it would be a good idea.
No, that’s not right. She had wanted to jump for a long time. She just never allowed herself to. She had this idealized image in her head of how it would feel, and always dreamed of it specifically because of that idea. But now that she has finally done it? Now that she had felt the icy water seep into her very being and drag her down, she hated it. Hated this place, hated this body, hate, hate, hate.
“I-I think we should end this adventure early. Ragatha needs it.” Pomni’s voice broke through the haze slightly, only to be swept away by the tornado of her thoughts. The others were talking. Some looked to have been talking to her, some to a place above her, but she didn’t really register it. She couldn’t hear it over the ringing in her ears anyway.
She hated the circus. That was… a thing she hadn’t thought of before. She hated the circus. Hated her stupid mitten hands and raggedy dress she had to patch after every adventure, hated the bright colors of the tent that never gave her senses a break, hated how fake every one of her core senses felt. Hated that stupid headset. Hated herself.
“-tha, come on, we need to know what happened so Caine will stop bothering us.” A deeper voice said. Ragatha took a little to process the words before her breath faltered and she stiffened. She didn’t want to tell anyone what she had done. What she tried to do.
“It-“ her voice felt hoarse- “it was nothing. Just fell into the lake.”
“Fell? I highly doubt it.” Ragatha cursed at- oh, it was Zooble- under her breath. Of course they had to say something.
“I- I’m fine! I just got a little too close to the lake!” The lie, along with an unconvincing laugh, escaped her lips before she could stop it. Lying through all of her life before and in the circus had made her accustomed to it. Some part of Ragatha was glad she had that ability, it made it much easier to stay looking happy. Most of the time. Now it seemed to only be making it worse.
“Hey, we just wanna make sure you’re doing okay. And I can tell you haven’t been okay for a long time.” Kinger said, surprisingly sober.
That stunned her. Ragatha stared at Kinger for a good while, before looking around. Everyone seemed to… actually care. Well, minus Jax, he wasn’t there at all.
“R-Ragatha?” The meek pile of ribbons called out, making Ragatha flinch.
“I- I’m just going to retire to my room tonight. Thanks for caring, but I’m really fine! I just need to sleep. Good night!”
The group of colourful characters watched in mild horror as Ragatha took short, quick steps back to her room. They all knew she didn’t just fall in the lake.
“Do you guys think she’ll mind if I, um, check on her?” Pomni asked hesitantly after a stretch of awkward silence.
“I think you should. Ragatha always liked when me and Queenie would talk to her after a stressful adventure.” Kinger said, a bittersweet smile visible through his eyes.
“Wow. What sobered you up?” Zooble asked as they cocked a hovering eyebrow at him.
“I’m not sure. The circus does seem dimmer…”
“Well, I’m gonna check on Ragatha now. I’ll, uh, report in the morning?” Pomni got a nod and two thumbs up in response, so with a shaky smile she set off for Ragatha’s room. She really hoped she was okay.