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Charli’s evening wasn't meant to end up like this.
She looked at the “Dinner with George and Matty" note on her calendar for the last time before ripping it and throwing it away, leaving it discarded on the floor.
She thinks I'm romantic. Fuck.
Months of no contact. A year of hating on the internet. And still feeling the butterflies in her stomach at the thought of her “enemy” talking about her like that.
The more she thought of it, the more memories from those nights backstage at 1975 concerts and performances came back to her, the intense dirty looks that made her feel dirty in a different way, the passive aggressive conversations, the texts afterwards…
But it couldn't happen, no, never. She wasn't into women, and she wasn't especially into Boring Barbie's like none other than Taylor Alison Swift. That’s at least what she told herself. Was it true? definitely not. Did she hate it? absolutely.
The fact that maybe her “hatred” came from insecurity, from a “do i want to be her or do i want to date her?” was completely irrelevant.
It didn't matter.
So she shoved it all away.
She started avoiding her backstage, not coming to double dates arranged by their boyfriends, leaving her texts on read.
She chose that if she couldn't love her, then she would do everything to feel the polar opposite.
That's how sympathy for a knife came to life.
It was her way to seal away those feelings that, while being buried deep inside her, still lingered in her mind more often than not.
She got her fanbase to despise the woman, to let her know she was off the map.
It was like forcing her mind to delete the possibility of ever dating her.
She thought that, after everything she had done to let Taylor know how much she hated her, she could get the other woman to despise her too, so she would never have to deal with those complicated pining feelings again.
Boy was she wrong.
On the other side, Taylor was painfully unaware and confused. Unaware of Charli's internalised homophobia, or one could say Tayphobia, confused by her sudden pulling away.
She had always loved the effects she had on the other woman. Every time she went to an event of Matty's band, she was actually just going for her.
She wouldn't admit it to anyone, but the only reason she kept dating that rat was for how often that led her to seeing, and being alone with Charli. Playing with her was addicting.
Her reason to keep hanging around with the man was her, it was the angry blush she would cause the woman, the flustered and mad responses she would get, the way those scoffs awakened something inside of her every single time.
When Charli started distancing herself, not giving Taylor the reactions she so craved, she decided it was time to move on. She didn't have time to weep, even if it hurt her to abandon everything that it could have been. Eventually the absence of Charli from all events led to her break up with Matty.
She hadn't thought much of her since then, didn’t have time to, she could've never have imagined how much time she spent on the other woman's mind.
When she found out, she was overjoyed.
The way sympathy is a knife was so obvious about her made her lips curl up in amusement.
The way her fans were always trying to remind her that their fave was permanently linked to her was adorable.
How Taylor's existence tormented the woman everywhere she went aroused her in ways no man ever had.
Her desperation to get Taylor to hate her made her sweat at the mere thought.
If the public flirting Charli started was the way to go nowadays, then she would do just that.
She made her team release a couple voice memos just to block her green album from reaching that stop. It was pure teasing, nothing excited her more. She knew this would leave Charli hot and bothered and she wished for nothing more.
This went on for months, edging her, never giving the reaction she wanted, indirectly securing her spot on the woman's mind.
She knew the younger singer craved a response to the intense hate she had been putting out, she wanted her to bite back, be angry and mad, but how could she be? It was so sweet, she could never leave her a bad comment after all the effort she had put into getting her attention.
She had her suspicions of course, but she didn't exactly know why Charli wanted her hatred. She just knew it was too fun to simply do the opposite. And she kept doing so.
At the grammys she made sure to dance her heart out to Charli's performance, holding intense eye contact multiple times, making sure to be the most supportive person anytime she was mentioned.
Her final shot came when everything had died out, when she knew she had started fading from Charli's consciousness.
So she put out Actually Romantic
The song explained in detail everything the woman had been making her feel since she went no contact, since she started her public hate campaign against the blonde.
It was the exact opposite of what the raven haired would've ever wanted, and Taylor loved it.
She waited a couple hours after the release, she knew Charli had woken up at 5 am (British time) sharp to listen to the track that was rumored to be about her and she wanted to let the song linger in the woman's mind for a while before doing anything.
After some time went by, she finally sent the text: “Lets meet at the spot our double dates took place at, 7pm, i know you'll be there”
And that's what led to Charli's spiraling. Even after all those months a simple text from the woman led her back to square one. She would be fooling anyone if she said she wouldn't go.
All of a sudden, all the feelings she had buried, that had hardly ever resurfaced anymore, came back to her. She needed to see Taylor.
So she texted her husband, calling off their date with no explanation, getting a jacket and rushing out the house to the spot Taylor meant.
“You're here early” murmured the blonde, who was leaning against a wall, the moment Charli had arrived. The younger girl immediately turned around in surprise, just to find a familiar smirk plastered on Taylor's face. She hadn't changed one bit.
“I knew you would be though, don't sweat it” She winked, walking closer to Charli
“Why did you ask me to come here” She murmured, doing her best to avoid eye contact
“I don't know, why did you come darling?” Said the blonde, the pet name simply rolling off her tongue like those nights backstage way too long ago. It wasn't condescending, she meant it, and like always it made Charli's heart skip a beat.
“Cause you asked” She answered with a small tone as if her confidence had suddenly faded
“Mh i did, didn't I? And why do you think so? Can you tell me sweetheart?” She purred in response, stepping closer to her, the height difference becoming incredibly noticeable
Charli's breath hitched at the closeness, at how the older woman towered over her frame and looked down to her, gaze impossibly sharp. “To talk,” she started. “To talk about us”
Taylor's lips curved upwards in a devilish smile, her hand reaching Charli's chin to tilt it upwards “Exactly baby”
The younger sighs, emotions bubbling up to the surface rather quickly “What the fuck do you mean with that song Taylor? “Adorable”? “romantic”? The hell you mean, I make you wet!” She says, her face blushing, betraying her anger
Taylor smiles sheepishly “Well, you do baby doll, fuck all the attention you've been giving me this last year? driving me insane! you and your flirting and dirty talking, god” She smirks “Even better than all those times backstage when it was just us and teasing comments” she winks
The dark haired woman sighs in frustration “I don't understand you!”
“What don't you understand honey?”
Charli clenches her fists, there's so much inside of her she doesn't know how to get it out.
“I don't get how you're like this! I spent MONTHS working to let you know you're off the fucking map, that i hate you, and you're still here with your goddamn song!”
Taylor smiles at her frustration, humming, letting her continue with a simple “Yeah?”
“Of course, yeah, Taylor, fuck!” She bursts out "I've done everything to get you to despise me back! To get myself to despise you! And then, when I think everything is over, when I'm married, you come out with a new song about how I've loved you more than any man!-”
“Why do you want to hate me so much?” Taylor interrupts, her gaze sharp, looking down to her
“I do hate you!”
“No you don't” Taylor says with a light chuckle, shaking her head “You wouldn't have come to me the moment i asked you if that was the case angel. So tell me, why do you want to hate me baby?” she says, tucking a dark strand of hair behind her ear
“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!” Charli bursts out “AND I CAN'T LOVE YOU GODDAMIT TAYLOR” she says gripping Taylor's arms like her life depended on it, looking at her in the eyes “I love you much and knowing that it could never become real hurt more than anything! so i-” she sighs “So i did the opposite i guess… I started hating you and hoped that you would start hating me back…”
Taylor's eyes soften, she grabs Charli's hands, taking them in hers “So it was a way to force yourself not to love me, delete me as an option so you wouldn't ever feel the temptation to try and go back, to imagine a future with me” She says and the girl nods in confirmation, her gaze pointed to the floor “But i have a question for you” She adds, lifting Charli's chin to look up to her “Why did you convince yourself we could never be anything sweetie?”
Charli freezes for a second, her eyebrows furrowing “Cause- god Taylor we're both women-” The blonde laughs at the sentence, causing the other girl to blush at how fucking stupid it sounds to say it out loud. “And- and we're! we're in the same industry it could never work out and- you're- you're just so… you're you” She whispers, her voice becoming weak
“Charli” Taylor says firmly, letting her hands go to grab her waist “Forget that, forget everything, do YOU want this?”
The younger girl's breath hitches, nodding “I do” She whispers, leaning close to her
“Then that's enough” Taylor says, closing the gap between her and Charli, kissing her like she’s never kissed anyone before. And she kisses back, wrapping her hands around the blonde's shoulder, letting herself truly feel it
When they break apart, they never leave each others eyes “We can figure everything else out, one way or another” Says Taylor “The important thing is that we've got each other now”
Charli can do nothing but nod at her words, still processing that all of those months of “hating” would lead to this. “I love you Taylor” She whispers
Taylor nods, whispering back in her ear “I love you too baby. Stream the life of a showgirl Charli”