Chapter Text
Happy Birthday, stranger
Thank you, my love
She heard it before she understood what was happening, before her world collapsed onto her heart.
Everyone was singing happy birthday, but then there was my mom, caring a cake and singing happy birthday, it warmed my heart truly. Until I saw her, pacing slowly behind my mom, slightly out of view, but there she was. Becky. Small, nervous, beautiful and everything all at once. My breath instantly caught in my chest. My heart was telling me to run to her, embrace her, kiss her, tell her how much I miss her, how much it means to me that she is here but my brain, which knew that I was on a stage, told me to stay put, pun on an innocent smile and pretend to be happy, when in truth I was happy, just not the kind of happiness you feel when you see your friend, the kind of happiness that stops your heart, the kind which you only feel when you see the only person in the world that has occupied your heart like it’s their little cottage.
I couldn’t take my eyes off her, I could see she was tired, worn out, but still breath taking in all her pain. My mom stopped next to me and I couldn’t even blow the god damn candle from all the excitement I was feeling. It took me three breaths to finally blow the candle. I couldn’t even concentrate on a wish, because what could I wish for when everything I ever needed was right here with me, on a stage, in front of all these fans screaming from the bottom of their lungs. Wish I could scream too, scream my feelings for her so that the whole world would know exactly just how I feel right now.
My mom moved to my left and the next thing I know Becky is looking me in the eyes. The moment we make eye contact is the moment I curse myself for selfishly loving her in silence. And she is looking at me like I am a piece of art, but I am not Becky, you are the art and I am the artist that couldn’t appreciate his piece. Seeing her go to such lengths just for me, for someone who can’t even express their feeling properly, someone who is too afraid to tell her how important she is.
My heart breaks for her, for us, for not loving her properly, for not loving her at all.
She gives me the flowers and I just start rambling, I don’t even know what to say and she is just smiling back at me and my heart breaks again and again because all we can do is gaze at each other, when all I want to do is to take her in my arms and never let go of her.
She is making a speech but I can’t hear her, I just feel my tears building, I no longer see her clearly she is just a blur, the most beautiful blur I have ever seen. I just nod and smile, but I am breaking once more. I stare at her and I can’t seem to be able to tear my eyes from her, why is she here, she is tired, she is sick, she should’ve stayed put, there was no need for such a grand act. But that’s just how Becky is, a romantic little butterfly, grand acts, flowers, surprises, while I give her nothing. Becky, I am not worth your love.
After she is done talking I just take her in my arms because if I don’t I might just crumble to the floor from the powerful need of feeling her against me. It’s just a side hug, but I am crying like a baby because she feels so good, she smells so good, oh, her laugh, her voice, her presence. She is the world, she is the moment, she is the air I need to breath. I whisper nonsense into her ear, things that have no meaning, things you would tell your friend when they surprise you, and she is thanking me back, because what could she say? She responds in kindness to my kindness, but if I could show her love, would she respond with love? She would, she is always waiting for me to make a move, say something daring, something sweet, touch her and she responds back eagerly. But I can’t make a move, I am frozen, I am scared. Everyone is watching us, daring us to do something intimate, something they can exploit, something they can hurt you with and I will not let that happen even if I know you need more than just a side hug and meaningless words.
She is crying too, but she covers it with smiles, I can’t smile, I don’t want to smile because I realize that I don’t just love her from the bottom of my heart, I realize that she deserves better, I am not someone she should put so much effort for, only to get crumbs in return. I cry because I missed her but never texted her once to tell her. I cry because she told me happy birthday at exactly midnight and all I could type back was a ‘thank you na ka’. I cry because she is doing so much for me and I can’t bring myself to do much for her, not publicly, not in private even lately. I cry because I wish I could express how much I love her, I wish I could scream to the world that we belong to each other and that nothing cat tear us apart, but I can’t. I am a coward who keeps on taking advantage of her love for me and gives nothing in return.
She is shaking and I am dying with worry. Why Becky? Why are you putting yourself through torture? Why do you have to remind me how I should treat you? I should be the one surprising you with flowers, with my presence, not the other way around. You are already doing so much for us and I am greedily taking it for granted.
Before I know it she is saying good bye and I can’t tear my eyes from her, I don’t want you to leave Becky, or rather, take me with you, I would go anywhere with you, only if things were different.
She is long gone and I can’t concentrate for the remaining of the show, all I can think about is her, my BecBec, I want to text her, see how she’s doing, has she arrived back, is she feeling tired, I am dying to talk to her, but I am stuck here on this stage with a fake smile on my face when in truth I want to crumble to the floor and cry.
As soon as I get off the stage I ask for my phone but everyone is too preoccupied with taking me outside, dragging me along like I’m just a sack of sand. All these people greeting me, wishing me a happy birthday, Charlotte giving me flowers, I don’t want any of this, I just need to text Becky, hear her voice, make sure she is ok.
After an hour and a half of greeting and thanking fans and coworkers I finally settle next to my mom in the van, ready to head to my condo. I don’t waste any time unlocking my phone and texting Becky.
“Bec, did you get back safely?”
I stare at my phone as I wait for an answer. Minutes go by and I find myself missing her even more. Answer me Becky, I am dying to hear from you. I have so much to say to you.
“How is Becky? Did she get back safely?”, of course my mom picks up on my mood, that’s how mothers are. I appreciate the effort to not snoop too much into it though.
“I don’t know mama, I texted her but she is not answering back”, I say as I begin to worry even more so.
“Maybe she is just busy. Didn’t she say something about going back for shooting. She is probably working. Give her some time, don’t worry too much. She can take care of herself.” my mom is smiling at me like it’s the most obvious thing I should do.
I just stare at her incredulously. How can I relax back? She was shaking, she was trembling, she was tired and to think that she is back to work it’s unbearable. Of course I worry, god damn it. But I can’t say that to my mom, sure she cares about Becky, but she wouldn’t understand my worry. I just give my mom a small smile and try my best not to look at the phone every two seconds, but I am dying to hear from her, my beautiful Becky.
I find myself staring out the window for the remaining of the ride, waiting patiently for a text back. My mom is rambling about the traffic, about the show, about my outfit, who cares about mundane things like that when the woman I love surprised me in front of the world and all I could say to her was a simple ‘thank you’.