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“Little mice! When you break my rules, you pay… the… price!”
An unexpected hum behind him cut Satan off rather effectively. He, and most everyone in the courtroom, turned to see who had decided to interrupt. They had assumed it was one of the other Sins, which they supposed it technically was.
Lucifer, the King of Hell and the Deadly Sin of Pride, was lounging insouciantly on his suddenly immaculate throne and holding the rubber duck that had held court there for untold years. “I just had one little question.”
Thoroughly off-kilter, Satan could only nod. “Of course, your majesty.”
“What rules did he break?”
“...What?”
“Prince Stolas,” he continued, pointing. “What rules did he break? He said he confessed, but I have to admit I didn’t catch what exactly he’d done.”
Andrealphus realized with dawning horror that he was going to have to somehow turn his plot around and reinforce it immediately. He had never been to court while Lucifer presided, though, and had no idea what buttons to push the way he had with Satan.
“He, ah,” Satan said. “He confessed he was the one behind the imp’s crimes.”
“Hm. Well, terribly sorry I missed the beginning of this, then, because I’m afraid I don’t know what the imp did either. I wasn’t aware we were in session today at all, but thankfully someone realized I had forgotten and sent a text. After all, we mustn’t punish a Goetia without properly upholding our laws. So what did this -” he checked his phone - “Blitzø Buckzo do?”
Nearly silent behind Stolas, he squeaked, “The O is silent. But, um, no big.”
“He was illegally using a Goetic grimoire to access the mortal realm and kill humans, was accused of, erm, assaults upon Prince Stolas, and hired an assassin to kill him,” Satan said.
Lucifer frowned, looking down at them. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that an Asmodean crystal on his glove? Asmodeus?”
“It is, my king. Registered in his name.”
“So how is he entering the mortal world illegally?”
Satan, uncertain, turned to look at Blitzø properly. “He didn’t mention the crystal to us, your majesty.”
“Well. A trial in front of the Sins and most of the Goetia family would be very stressful, I’m sure. We can hardly blame him for forgetting. If he had the crystal, a grimoire would be unnecessary, so I think we can waive that charge. Prince Stolas, did this imp make any,” he gestured, “unwanted advances?”
Stolas, absolutely lost, just shook his head. He hadn’t actually heard any of the charges either. “No, sire?”
“All right, that’s the second charge cleared, then. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but this imp is an assassin, right?” He looked at Blitzø.
Blitzø gulped. “Yes, your devilness.”
“Then I’m confused. Why would an assassin need to hire an assassin? Even if he didn’t want to handle the assassination himself, he has employees who are also assassins.”
Moxxie couldn’t resist. “We wouldn’t hire him! We STOPPED Striker from killing the prince!”
Satan snarled and started to rise, but Lucifer held up a hand. “Let him speak. It sounds as though this imp was a witness himself.”
“Thank you, your majesty. Prince Stolas had invited IMP to join him at the Harvest Moon Festival in Wrath. As guests, not to work! We stayed with Millie’s family on their farm, where Striker was a hired hand. I noticed a strange light under his door after the Pain Games and found a Carmine rifle. He confronted me and knocked me out, then locked Millie and I in the cellar. I got out and went after him, and Blitzø and I stopped him from shooting Prince Stolas when he was cursing the harvest. He escaped when Loona got there.”
“Prince Stolas, does this line up with your experience?”
“Yes, sire?”
“You should probably stop sounding like you’re asking me,” he advised. “It makes it difficult to take your answers seriously. Where is this Striker?”
“He was here as a witness but left after his testimony,” a Reaper informed him. “He was granted immunity to testify against the imp.”
Lucifer gave him a look. “So in exchange for getting away with attempting to kill a prince of Hell, he was able to give his story and leave without being cross-examined?”
Andrealphus protested. “Without his testimony, how could we prove the imp had attempted to kill Prince Stolas?”
“I haven’t heard any proof that he did. Was that the entire situation, little imp? The one in the bowtie?”
Moxxie stood a little straighter. “No, sire. There was a second attempt on Prince Stolas’ life that Blitzø couldn’t have been a part of, because he was in Sloth getting his adopted daughter her Hellbies shot while we found Prince Stolas in Wrath.”
“I see. Please explain.”
“We were driving Blitzø and Loona to the hospital when Blitzø got a phone call from Prince Stolas, who told us he was tied on the back of a horse with blessed rope. None of us have a horse or blessed rope, and since our office was just searched the reapers should be able to prove that.” They both looked at the reapers, who nodded in confirmation. “Our boss took Loona to her appointment while Millie and I went to Wrath to find Striker, since it was the only place we’d met him before. Several imps told Millie to find his hideout in an abandoned train tunnel. When we got there, the prince was badly injured. We fought Striker and took the prince to the hospital. The staff there should have records of both Loona’s shot and the prince’s admittance to prove it!”
“Very detailed, thank you.” Lucifer sat up. “Well, where are the witnesses from the hospital?” His question was met with an awkward silence. “So that’s concerning.”
“It’s not from the hospital,” Asmodeus said, “but I can prove that Blitzø and Striker were not on the same side.”
“Go ahead then.”
“After Prince Stolas was released from the hospital, he was meeting with me about the crystal when I got a phone call from a mobster imp and that Striker character that they had my partner Fizzarolli. Blitzø was also tied up there, and Blitzø was the one who got them out again. We both saw the video message, so Prince Stolas would be able to verify.”
“I did,” Stolas agreed quietly. “We spent most of the day working to free them.”
“So let’s get this straight. Prince Stolas confessed to being behind the imp’s crimes. The imp was accused of illegally accessing the mortal world. We know now that he has a registered Asmodean crystal that allows access. He was accused of assaulting the prince, which Stolas disputes, and he was accused of sending an assassin after the prince, which is supported only by the assassin’s word in exchange for a pardon.”
“Yes, sire,” Satan agreed grimly. Andrealphus looked to be trying to find a way to twist things, but the king was unfortunately right.
“Then my first response would be that the imp didn’t commit any crimes, which brings me back to my original question. What crimes did Prince Stolas commit?”
Andrealphus decided to take the shot. “He allowed the imp access to his grimoire!”
“Can you prove that?” Lucifer asked lazily.
“My sister knew about it!”
The king’s eyebrow raised. “I know I’ve been away from the court for some time, but to my knowledge, your sister has never spoken well of her husband. I would hesitate to accept any testimony from her on that alone. Even if the accusation were true, I don’t know how it could be proven aside from two sides disagreeing.”
“He just admitted to his grand design to breach the world of man!”
“All right, that he did say, so: Prince Stolas, can you explain your wicked plot?”
“I. Ah.”
“You said it was you and you had no regrets, so please share.”
Stolas’ huge eyes darted around the room, seeing the way his peers were looking at him differently. He could see Bee and Ozzy gesturing for him to say something. “Sire, if I am honest, I did not know what the charges were until you asked. I saw the trial on TV and hurried here to save Blitzø’s life when I realized he was about to be executed.”
“So what do you know about the charges?”
“I secured an Asmodean crystal for Blitzø, so he would not need my grimoire. Asmodeus can support that, as you know. My, ah, assignations with him were with my consent, and I know Blitzø did not send that horrid Striker after me. The assassin confirmed who had hired him when I guessed, then she asked for me back alive when Striker was about to cut my eyes out. I am very grateful to IMP for stopping him.”
“Tell me who hired the assassin.”
Stolas’ hands shook as he summoned the memory. “He hates royals, so I think he would have done it regardless, but he admitted that Stella wanted me dead. She’s said as much herself.”
Lucifer’s steely gaze turned to Andrealphus, who looked increasingly flustered as the room was clearly turning against him. “I see. Should I assume Stella’s brother was aware of his sister’s attempt on your life?”
“I couldn’t be certain, your majesty, but Striker attacked me while I was at the Richest Cup with Stella and Andrealphus to discuss the divorce. I think it is quite likely, especially given that Andrealphus apparently brought Striker here to testify against Blitzø.”
Lucifer steepled his fingers. “Clearly it was lucky indeed that I was notified of this session before it ended. Perhaps it is not Prince Stolas whose hubris has gotten the better of him, Satan. In truth I would consider his attempt to prevent an undeserved execution to be quite selfless indeed.” His gaze snapped to the crowd of spectators. “All of you, out. Now. IMP, Prince Stolas, Satan, and Marquis Andrealphus, stay.”
No one waited to hear the king ask a second time. The gallery emptied very quickly, especially when those who could used a portal to make their exit faster. Asmodeus and Beelzebub hesitated a moment before taking their leave as well.
“Okay. I had better not need to waste another minute of my time on this, should I? IMP is clear and can do their little imp thing. Satan, you are going to follow my laws. Don’t think I missed that dig about being here before me. I have no patience for more lies today. Prince Stolas, that goes for you too. Do I need to have your or that imp’s head lopped off, or was all that fake?”
“No, sire! I only wanted to save an innocent life.”
He gave Blitzø a sardonic look. “Yeah, we can pretend he’s innocent. I know perfectly well you were letting him use your grimoire since the timing doesn’t match, but your book, your problem. Just don’t do it again. You too, Blitzo.” Blitzø and Stolas both nodded. “You got extremely lucky. No one called me; Charlie saw the trial on TV and ran to get me, so you both owe her big time and will be doing any and everything she asks, right? Now, you both have daughters who probably want to know their dads are all right.”
He turned to Andrealphus as Stolas and IMP hurried out.
“I was only trying to protect the security of Hell,” the marquis hurriedly asserted.
“Is that why you were charging an imp in front of a full court? Even if you could prove his using Stolas’ grimoire, the charges about him assaulting Stolas were clearly nonsense. No, you were after something, though I don’t know and don’t care what. No more, Andrealphus. I’m going to grant Stolas the divorce and custody of his daughter. And I’d better not hear of you or your wretched sister causing them any more trouble. Scram.”
Andrealphus wanted to argue and try to trick Lucifer the way he’d convinced Satan, but he also saw that the king was out of patience and decided any future schemes could wait until the angel grew tired of ruling again and left it in more malleable hands. He puffed himself up in an attempt to feel better and strutted out.
“Sire, I was fulfilling my role as the accuser,” Satan said, trying to cover his tail.
“No. If you were following my laws, you would have listened to witnesses. You definitely wouldn’t have been about to judge a Goetia without any facts or information. I only heard what Stolas said, and I was able to pick it all apart just from that, so you can’t have tried, and the looks on Bee and Ozzy’s faces tell me they tried to get you to listen too. Your princess is going to be making checks to ensure that justice is being served. In case you missed it, Hell is in for some changes, so you should expect to see Charlie here pretty often.”
“But—”
“Nope! Bad luck for you. I don’t particularly care what you do, but Charlie wants to take care of our people, and I’m going to be making up for all the ways I failed her, so you had better count on my being here more too. Like I said, big changes are coming.”