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troll biology. obviously we're talking about the sexy bits, but this is supposed to be 90% reproductive xenobiology and 9% horny. (the remaining 1% is naturally for "miscellaneous.")
it's well-known canon that trolls have both penetrative and receptive sex organs, but it's not well-known that this doesn't make them hermaphrodites! biologically, a hermaphrodite is a creature that can produce both sperm and ovum. according to my headcanons, trolls have bulges and nooks, but they can't produce ovum- that's the Mother Grub's job.
trolls USED to produce children exclusively within their own species, but that was so long ago that the organs used for this have become vestigial. there are obviously some exceptions, given the troll species' astounding capacity for mutation, but these are so rare they appear in only one of the twelve trolls we have available for study. Karkat has a sort-of-functional uterus and ovaries, because he's a mutantblood and I wanted to write an AU where Jade gets him pregnant. (pregnant karkat is great. jadekat having their typical constant not-quite-arguments, but karkat now has the completely infalliable debate tactic of "I'M LITERALLY PREGNANT." HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO REMEMBER TO DO CHORES WHEN I'M BUSY WITH THE CHORE OF *CREATING LIFE INSIDE MY BODY*??? lmao. jade's like "you cant make me too horny to argue THIS time mister!" jade harley pregnancy fetish 2025. what were we talking about?)
ANYWAY! it's common among the fans that troll bulges writhe/wiggle/move around when they're aroused. i don't know where this HC comes from, but i suspect it's like, one group of friends with tentacle kinks who wrote decently popular fanfic that inspired more popular fanfic which in turn inspired its own, and the cycle just continued until it dispersed into the general fandom culture.
unfortunately, a lot of homestuck fans really drop the creativity ball when it comes to nooks! you're telling me trolls have weird wiggly penises that may or may not involve sheaths, but then they just have normal human vaginas? that's boring! and stupid! and potentially misogynistic? we can do better! in fact, we have better right here on earth!
y'know how ducks have corkscrew penises?
they also have corkscrew vaginas.
so, it stands to reason that if trolls have wiggly penises, they should have vaginas designed to accomodate them! consider: labrinthine nooks.
troll vaginas have a bunch of little nooks and crannies for a smooth-muscle penis to explore! plenty of ridges and bumps and exciting weird textures so each troll has something unique to offer. there are obviously some more common traits, but the aforementioned troll ability to mutate (combined with the "fuck-or-die" culture strongly encouraging people to have mildly uncomfortable sex if it means surviving broodseason) means that specific nook differences are rarely completely removed from the genepool. (to be honest, at this point in their evolution, nothing is ever completely removed from the troll genepool! the Mother Grub is still producing limebloods even now, though the auxiliatrices manage to cull them before they reach pupation. nook differences are difficult to examine on wigglers and impossible to examine on grubs, and not deemed nearly important enough to warrant culling.)
the unfortunate side effect of adding some feminist(?) zest to troll vaginas is that trolls and humans are largely incompatible when it comes to sex. the straight stiffness of a human penis is difficult to maneuver through a troll nook, and attempting is usually very uncomfortable for everyone involved, not to mention it rarely manages to stimulate the troll enough to counteract the discomfort. a troll bulge is likely to attempt "burrowing" through the walls of a human vagina in search of fun caverns, and while it rarely manages to break the skin, it's still not usually a fun experience. bulges are typically disinterested in penises, and humans with penises are often very concerned about their dick getting accidentally ripped off. there's really no reason for a bulge to grasp and pull, but the fear is still widespread enough to be worth mentioning. scissoring is a potentiality, but only for trolls with shameglobes (troll dual-clitorises) in an accessible place for a human clitoris, and even then it often requires a lot of careful positioning. In the heat of the moment it's all too possible to pitch your hips a little too far up and have a very frusturating time finding the "sweet spot" again.
all this to say, there are a LOT of fun ways to make a troll and human fail at having sex with each other, and handjobs are usually the best bet. hands can be constricting (ASL O handshape) to squeeze and stroke a penis in deliberate places. hands can be endlessly-adapting mazes (move fingers randomly) to follow the bulge and give it new caverns in real-time. hands can be rod-straight (ASL H handshape) to stretch a vagina as much as that vagina prefers. hands can be wiggly explorers (move one finger randomly) to investigate the ridges and roadforks of a nook. hands are incredible and versatile, and allow us to manipulate the world around us in beautiful ways, like getting our alien partners off.
thank you for coming to my TED talk.