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Rider's continuing presence after the war's end wasn't called into question, not even once; in two weeks Sakura has gotten so used to it that she never gave it any thought, and came to unconsciously think of it as part of the natural state of things. Soon and with time Shirou began to see it the same way. The farthest either has gotten is a split second question of how is she still present, a question from a purely practical perspective. There was too much else to worry about, to take care of, to discuss and too many matters to settle, too massive of a mess left behind by the War for either Sakura or Shirou to take a moment to stop to think and to wonder.
It is one morning when Sakura wakes up from an exceptionally vivid and powerful dream that she finds herself wondering this. As her senses adjust to consciousness she thinks and thinks and thinks from one thing to another, all up until she comes to a conclusion and the next thought that comes is, hold on. Her limbs feel heavy, and she is tired, as if she did not get any sleep at all, but still Sakura gathers the strength to sit up and silently calls for Rider, and it does not take a long time at all before she is sensing her Servant's presence right beside her.
"Is it alright if I ask you something, Rider?" It’s difficult to find the right way to put this, because it would sound strange either way, so Sakura decides to be direct. "Why are you still here?"
Rider assumes physical form and sits down, and Sakura can see her surprise clearly, as much as Rider does her best to hide it, catches the split-second in which it reflected on her face. "I am your Servant."
"But the War has been over for a long time, the Grail is destroyed- shouldn't you not have any reason to stay anymore?"
Rider delays her reply, a moment where she simply sits still passing before she answers. "Why do you ask me that? Do you want me to leave, Sakura?"
"What? No! Not at all, I just-" Flustered and flushed in the face she protests and then catches a smile, impossible not to notice, on Rider's face, and her face feels even warmer. She recollects herself enough to mutter, "I was just wondering... I thought Servants only participated in the Wars because they sought to grant their wishes with the Grail, and I thought it didn't make sense for you to still be here if..."
"We indeed participate for our own purposes and desires. But it need not necessarily be a wish to grant through the Grail, though of course that is the case for the majority."
Sakura thinks back to her dream, and said, "I see." Although she still does not understand, not really, what is it that Rider means to say; but it doesn't feel right to ask and to probe further on, the question of really, what is keeping her here, so she sits with her back to the wall and knees to her chest, and wonders. She thinks about getting up now, about starting the day as usual, but it feels so comfortable, sitting next to Rider in such peaceful silence and knowing that this sense of peace is genuine and real, and driven by her tiredness, she allows herself a moment to submit to laziness, something she hasn’t done in long. Sakura scoots next to Rider, sits closer and rests her head against her and closes her eyes and she simply feels good. Shirou can calm her down through words alone; just being in his presence makes her feel better, and she needs nothing else. But only now does she notice that Rider always has the same effect too.
Moments, minutes pass, and then suddenly Rider speaks up.
"What brought this on?"
Over the past year, Rider has changed, just a they all did, yet no matter how much time passed Sakura still finds herself taken aback when Rider does not act like what she had gotten used to, the silent, obedient, passive Servant who only speaks when responded and acts only when orders, who does not act but only reacts.
"I had a dream last night.” Sakura tells her. “...About you, Rider… your past…"
She senses no reaction, negative nor positive. Only a nod.
"So… when I woke up, I realized suddenly that I never asked about your wish. And that I don't know what you sought from the Grail and why you became a Servant. And then I realized that if the Grail was destroyed, logically you shouldn't be staying here, so I wondered..."
"I see. Well, I'm sure you've figured out that I had no interest in the Grail. I have told you about myself before. Do you recall?"
"Yes, you told me of it. But that was… I saw it for myself, your life.” She can’t stop an ache, from the bottom of her heart, at the memory. “Rider, I..."
And as always Rider knows exactly what she is thinking, what she is about to say.
"You don't have to pity me." Sakura's face goes warm and red in shame, and she lowers her head. She is afraid to look at Rider now, afraid to try to understand Rider’s reaction from her tone- truly she meant nothing bad by it, but she understands why she would dislike pity. But then Rider puts a hand on her shoulder and says, gently and reassuringly, "But I appreciate your compassion, Sakura. Do not worry about insulting me. I have no pride to wound."
Sakura manages a small, timid nod. “But I… how can’t I feel bad for you?" It was a painful dream, it was. Not a nightmare, but she didn’t wake up with a good feeling. Becoming a monster, killing her own sisters, dying alone with only her regrets—what an end that was. An end I scarcely escaped. “Your life…”
"Was difficult, and I have suffered. But I was not without fault. It doesn't change that I caused more deaths than I can count and that I have stained my hands with blood. The responsibility for that still lies on my shoulders alone. That is why I became a Servant. In order to atone by protecting someone with my life. "
She allows herself to steal a glance at Rider, at her grave expression, at she who faced the truth so directly, without fear or shame. “You’re amazing,” she blurts out without thinking. Rider turns her head instantly, not surprised as much as curious, a look urging her to explain. “I mean—you’ve been put through so much, and your life was difficult and you suffered so much at the hands of others-- but you’re not running away from your own sins and that you committed crimes when you were cornered and driven into revenge, and decided to take responsibility for your actions…” And then she stops and says, “…Oh.”
Rider is smiling. “Yes.” The glasses and plain outfit do nothing to remove her beauty; they only emphasize it and the elegance of her appearance. It’s all the more difficult not to be aware of it when Rider is looking at her directly, of the fact that this is a divine being, a powerful spirit, a being of legend, that in the end she truly is not human. Sakura does not like that thought either. She never even thought of Rider as a Servant, in truth. She thought once, perhaps friend would be better, but when she tried it out found the word to limiting, not fitting or satisfactory to describe it.
"You noticed it during your dream, I’m sure. I saw it too, when you summoned me. It’s why I decided to accept your summon in particular. I saw someone much like myself, in a situation much like myself, and swore to protect her at any cost, and prevent her from becoming the monster I did. From ending up how I did."
"And you did. You succeeded. If you weren't there to help Senpai and if you didn't follow my orders, I really would have become a monster."
Rider pauses again then, and she nods, and says, “True, but… you praised me just now, but do not underestimate yourself. Haven’t you done the same thing? You and I have gone through similar situations and found similar solutions. We have suffered, been surrounded by people who hurt us and felt as though we are hated by the entire world, and with the thought that we had nothing to lose anyway allowed these emotions to corrupt us and lashed out, and in the process were responsible for great amounts of destruction and tainted our hands with blood. And when we awoke from it, decided to face the reality that though we had suffered through none of our faults, we have committed sins that we hold responsibility for and that we cannot blame those who hurt us for our own actions. And we faced that truth directly. You did not run away either.”
“That’s not true--! That’s exactly what I was doing, it was Senpai who—“
“Shirou told me that he presented the idea to you and gave it to you as a reason to go back. But the decision to go through with it was your own entirely. You could have kept running. I know you were tempted to, and nobody can fault you for it. Least of all me.” Sakura sees the sympathy, the compassion and rare, rare sadness in Rider’s eyes, through the glass. “Know this-- bravery is not the absence of fear but the ability to overcome it. Strength is not the absence of weakness but the ability to take the take a step forward in spite of it. You chose not to run away in spite of how much you wanted to. So do not put yourself down and think yourself lesser than myself, because you are strong.”
So overwhelmed she is by this torrent of words that Sakura can’t find any response. She is surprised, but Rider spoke so sincerely and truthfully and spoke this much so rarely that she can’t help but be deeply touched at the same time. Maybe, she thinks, maybe it’s alright of me to feel proud of myself. Maybe it’s alright of me to think well of myself. Maybe it’s not wrong of me to believe her, and Senpai, that they tell me I am strong. They know me, and they see me. They’ll never force me to be someone I’m not, someone better then myself. I can trust them and believe that they mean it…
Maybe, she thinks, they’re right. No, I don’t need that ‘maybe’.
“…Yeah,” she says. “…You’re… you’re right. Rider, um… thank you.” Maybe a bit of a strange thing to say, as Rider isn’t just saying it to be nice, but she really is grateful.
“I mean it. But Sakura,” and then Rider says, pokerfaced, “When you assure me that I succeeded, are you trying to tell me is there is no reason for me to stay? Are you trying to convince me to leave you, Sakura? Well, I understand, I'm sure it must be bothersome to have to shoo your Servant out of the room and do your best to keep quiet in order to not make her uncomfortable every time you and Shirou have to..."
"Rider." Sakura instantly catches the smile on her Servant's face this time the moment it appears, and Rider does not attempt to hide it and lets it turn into a playful little smirk.
"Though it is true that I have technically already fulfilled my duty as a Servant and I do trust you to be able to continue living without me, but--"
"Don't leave, Rider." Sakura says quickly. "I know... I know maybe this is selfish, and I know you're a Servant and that you can't be here forever, but I want you to stay with me as long as you can. I need you, I like you, and I care for you. Please. "
"Sakura." And then Rider stands up, her hair swaying and moving with her, long, thick and beautiful, but she walls not to leave, instead stands in front of Sakura and goes down on one knee and grasps both of her hands, gently. Her hands are not soft, not delicate, rougher and larger than Sakura's; but their hold on her own is comforting and warm. "Everything I do and ever did is for your sake. I will protect you and follow you and stay with you until the very end. That will never change. Not for any of the reasons I mentioned, but simply because that is what I want to do.”
—
It’s sometime later that Sakura realizes it is quite late in the morning and the emptiness on the room catches up with her, and she remembers that she woke up alone- this is the usual as of late, for Shirou to wake up before her, but worry always tugs at her every morning when she wakes up without him next to her, instead finds him deeper into the house, awake long before her.
"Shirou is in the kitchen, I believe." Rider says, answering an unasked question.
"How long ago did he wake up?"
There is not a change in Rider’s expression, but there is a delay before her reply, and Sakura senses her hesitation in it. "Some time ago. The sun just rose when I saw him exit the room."
If it was that long ago, he certainly wasn't spending all that time making breakfast. Sakura sighs and lowers her head, resting her chin on her knees. The fallout the war left them all busy and they spent several months in worry and stress, and all the were physical effects that needed recovering from and taking care of left very little time for emotional recovery, and only now that they took care of all the smaller scale practical problems were they finally able to begin the mental recovery from everything that happened, were they finally able to do it properly and take all their time with it, and so Sakura hardly blamed Shirou for only beginning his grieving now, that it has been a year. Still, it is difficult not to hurt when she saw how quiet and distant he has been, trying his best not to let it show and struggling with his grief on his own.
That was it’s all about, isn't it? The thought of him having to deal with it alone with himself was one she did not like.
"What should I do, Rider? I want to help him, but I don't know how... I can't really relate to what he's going through,” As even if she knew what it felt like to lose someone close, their circumstances were different enough to cast a gap between them she couldn't overcome, “and he is pushing me away. I know he is doing it for my sake, but still…"
"Talk to him," Rider said. "That's what's most important." Then she adds, without as much as a twitch or the lightest change in expression, "Tell him he's being selfish. Call him a hypocrite and let him know that he's being an idiot. Make him think you’re angry and intimidate him."
Sakura laughed, "I won't use these exact words and be quite as harsh, but I’ll do something like that. I’m not Nee-san.”
“I will make sure to tell Rin you said that when she returns.”
“Hmm, you go on ahead. If she complains, I’ll definitely tell her she’s a hypocrite. Senpai will agree with me.” Sakura stands up and makes her way into the hallway.
When she finds Shirou he is sitting on the porch with his back to her. She makes her way to him softly, on her tiptoes to be extra careful, though when she comes close and sees the distracted expression on his face she thinks that it probably wasn't necessary. Few things would probably catch his attention now. His eyes are distant, lost in thoughts, in another world, one she cannot reach.
“Senpai,” she places a hand on his shoulder and shakes him gently. He blinks as though awoken from sleep, barely a reaction. “Oh, Sakura.” Then, as if just coming to a realization, “Breakfast’s ready- oh, I really hope it hasn't gone cold, I was about to go call you but, um, I got a little distracted, I’m really sorry—“
“Good morning.”
He sighs. “Yeah, that too. Sorry. Good morning, Sakura.”
“Breakfast can wait,” Sakura says lightly and takes a seat next to him. “I want to talk to you.”
Her tone then was probably a little more serious than intended. Shirou’s expression hardens considerably. “What is it?” Then again, it’s not a cheerful subject they’re about to discuss. Maybe it’s more appropriate.
She gave some though to how she should put this, but now actually saying the words is proving a bit more difficult. Still, she does not back away. "Senpai, just now… you were thinking about Ilyasviel-san, right?”
The surprise on Shirou’s face is present but minimal, and he seems himself put off by how he feels that he should be more surprised than he is. Then he averts his eyes. “…Yeah.”
Sakura gathers her courage. “This is alright. I understand that you’re in pain… I mean, that is, I can’t understand how exactly you’re feeling, but basically, I won’t get in your way or tell you how to move on. It takes time, and you were only able to being to grieve now… I just want you to know- I noticed how you’ve been pushing me away, and trying to deal with it and face it all by yourself.”
Shirou opens his mouth to protest, and she knows what he is going to say, so she stops him with a gesture of her hand. “I know you’re doing it for my sake and that you don’t want to get me involved in your struggles. But I want you to know that you don’t have to. I don’t mind sharing your burdens or getting involved. If you need me, you can always talk to me.“
"..." He doesn't welcome the idea, she can see it, but doesn't want to reject her either.
“It’s no more than everything you’ve done to me. Senpai, please. I know you haven’t been sleeping lately... talk to me. I don’t like seeing you bottle it all up. It's better to talk about it.” And then she decides to try Rider’s choice of tactics. “You’re being awfully selfish and hypocritical now too”, she says with a playful poke. “I can’t believe you, Senpai. You help me but won’t accept it when I offer the exact same thing to you? I’m not going to forgive you if you keep this up.” She hmps, and makes a pose which she thinks is a pretty good imitation of her sister’s.
“Wow, you're as stubborn and obstinate as when we first met. Alright, fine, when you put it that way.” Shirou laughs, catching the playful tone of her words, but also the meaning beneath them, and what she means to convey. "This just feels a little strange to think about... I'm not really the type to talk about how I feel."
"Well, there's a first time for everything." Sakura says playfully, but switches to a serious tone to say, "Just try to. It's better for you."
Shirou turns his head and faces the open scenery of their home through the porch. Sakura sits closer, gives him time to think.
“She sacrificed herself." He begins, getting straight to the core of his troubles. "Not just for me, for all of us. She really saved us, and I—I begged her to come back, or at least tried to- I wasn't really in the condition to," He adds with a little laugh "… But at the same time, I also... just let her. She asked me if I really wanted to live, and although I knew what it would mean, I nodded... you know, once I thought that the idea of someone sacrificing themselves for me was the worst possible thing that could happen. I would do everything I could to prevent that. I couldn't allow that. Not again. But this time I… I really wanted to live.” He draws a breath. “It felt strange, but I really did.”
She thinks back to the boy he was when they first spoke, who she had gotten to know over the course of several years, and understands what he means.
“I feel like I failed the old man. I wanted to do what he couldn't for her... there was so much I gave up on and I don’t regret it, but I wish… I wanted to save her too. But at the same time, she was smiling and she looked so happy and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her smile like that. She looked so confident and sure in herself and what she was doing-- Ilya, she didn’t regret it and all.” A pause a hand making its way to hold on to hers. "But every time I think that, I wonder if maybe I'm just making excuses."
She places the palm of her other hand on top of his. "I don't think so. Ilyasviel-san sacrificed herself willingly. I think the last thing she would want is to feel guilty. She saved us all so we could keep on living."
Shirou looks at her for long, quiet, and Sakura can't tell if she convinced him or not. It's as if he wants to believe her, but can't quite bring himself too. They remain in silence for a long time, before Shirou briefly breaks it with, “I should have called her Nee-san too. Just once, before she died. I just wish I had done that.”
After that he says no more, and Sakura makes no demands. Instead, though nobody but her can hear it, to herself, she thanks him for opening himself up to her just a little more, and when he leans a little bit against her, she leans against him too. It's really much like this morning with Rider. Silence is not awkward or uncomfortable when it's with them; it's peaceful and calming, just their words, just their presence alone, enough for her. If she could she would spend hours like this with him, breaking the quiet only on occasion. Well, okay, maybe we'd also get breaks to eat or go to the bathroom. Although we'd also probably get bored eventually after doing nothing for hours... actually, that probably wouldn't be a very good idea in practice.
An idea comes to her then. Where it came from, exactly, she isn't sure, and at first it seems silly to her, but the more she thinks, the more she likes it, and so she stands up. "I thought of something to cheer you up a little, Senpai. Hold on. Let me show you what I've been learning." Light glows and flashes as she says the incarnation, and Sakura feels power surge through her arms, her hands. Shirou watches curiously, and then Sakura says "Now let's see if this works", leans down towards him, puts one hand under his knees and her other arm around his to his back, her hand holding her shoulder, and picks him up. Oh, good, it worked.
In her arms Shirou looks startled and unsure whether to be amused or made uncomfortable, all at once. He stares at her incredulously and then at himself and their position, opens his mouth and closes it several times before finally getting out "Using reinforcement magic for this?"
Sakura starts giggling, and carries him through the hallway. "If we do get married one day we'll have to do this, right? What'll Senpai do when his wife is too heavy for him to carry? See, now we don't have to worry."
"Oh, I get it, so you're saying you don't trust me enough to use that on me instead."
"Hmm, maybe I just think this position suits my dependent and unreliable Senpai better."
Shirou responds with nothing but a frown, and Sakura giggles again. She makes her way through the hallway with him in her arms, and adds, "You're supposed to hold on to me. How do you know I won't drop you?"
"I wasn't worried about that," he says, but wraps his arms around her anyway, and holds on.
"I wanted to show off what I've learned too. So, what do you think? What kind of score would you give me?"
"Well, I'd say you're doing pretty well. Hm, let's see... yeah, ten out of ten, no doubt about it. No, if it were possible I'd give you a twelve, maybe even a twenty. I don't know about you, but I think you've pretty much mastered it. Frankly, you're amazing."
He says it with a lighthearted tone, but she knew he meant every word. "Oh, yes, Senpai, keep that up. Don't stop praising me. Know how amazing I've become." She surprises herself a little. She feels... mischievous, but in the most harmless of ways, and right now, she is-- really enjoying herself. This is fun, really really fun, joking and playing around, but it also makes her feel happy, a more energetic happiness rather than a peaceful, serene one.
"Oh, no, I think I can do better than that. Just give me a moment and I'll think something up that will really blow your mind."
"I'll be looking forward to it. So, where shall we go now, my bride?" Sakura stops to look around.
"Um, we should probably go eat the breakfast I prepared, but it's most likely gone cold and I'm not sure if it's edible at this point."
"Oh. Right. It's a bit too late for breakfast by now, though, isn't it?"
"Well, still better than wasting food, I think."
"Good point, but, um..." Sakura smiles shyly. "I want to take a stroll around the house first. For fun."
"Seriously? It's not like there's anything new to see that you haven't seen before," Shirou laughs, "But alright. I'm in your hands for now, Sakura. Literally and figuratively."
Sakura opens her mouth, only to be interrupted by the sensation of herself being lifted up, and her feet in the air, Shirou grabbing on tighter, and then Rider is suddenly there, very, very close, smiling at them both as she holds Sakura in her arms as if it was no effort to do what was technically hold two people at once at all.
The two of them yelp in a perfect unison that would have been impressive in any other circumstances, and both yell out "Rider!" simultaneously. Then "How long-", then "You're-", and then, "Is that-", reacting to one thing after another. Shirou looks so dissatisfied and embarrassed and is scowling in possibly the least angry looking away possible it would almost be funny to Sakura if it weren't a perfect reflection of how she felt as well.
"Well," Rider says. "If this is practice for marriage, then I'll make sure to be the one playing the role of the priest."
Her interruption gives them a moment to calm down, and Sakura recovers first. "H-have you been watching? How long?"
"For some time. I was waiting for an ideal moment to come in."
If Sakura's hands weren't busy she'd add a finger wag to her reprimand. "Don't sneak up on us like that!"
"I apologize, Master. But your reactions were quite worth it, so if I were to say I regret this, I would be lying."
"Geez, who are you, Tohsaka?" Shirou sighs. "Hey, Sakura, I think we have a problem. It looks like your sister has been rubbing off on her. This is definitely bad."
They exchange glances as he says this. "Yes, Senpai, I think so too. This is a real problem. What shall we do? One of Nee-san is bad enough."
"I can confirm that a certain amount of rubbing off has indeed been going on between Rin and myself, yes."
"Erm, I don't want to know what's that supposed to mean." Shirou says, and Sakura nods. Then she comes to a realization and feels a sudden surge of panic. "Rider, you're using your strength-"
"Just once, I think I can afford it."
"You don't have to-"
"I can't possibly leave my Master to carry her future husband all on her own. I would be a terrible Servant if I were that irresponsible." Rider said with a stubborn tone that accepted no protests.
"She's as obstinate as you are, huh? Rider said that you're similar, but now I can really see it." Funny he should say that now, after the conversation I had with her this morning.
"Now, Sakura. You were saying something about a stroll." Rider goes on and moves through the large house, and though Sakura and Shirou continue to protest, it seems that once Rider decided to be stubborn there is no convincing her otherwise, until they are tired enough of it that they give up. Soon Sakura finds that, while this is a little embarrassing, it isn't exactly unenjoyable to be carried around like that. Not to be right between two people she so dearly loved.
That feeling of euphoria from earlier, while she was having fun joking and playing around with Shirou, is back again. No, now it is even stronger, and there is something different about it, different in a pleasant way. She looks at Shirou, at the boy on her arms- he smiles at her, sheepishly but sincerely. The person she loved, and the person she wanted to spend her life with. The subject of marriage wasn't entirely serious, and they played around with the idea but had not give it true consideration yet. It was quite simple- neither found it necessary. They were content with the idea of spending their lives together without making it official. They wanted to be together and that was it- and they had the opportunity. There were still a lot of things they had to sort through and difficulties and problems to solve, but she was ready to take on them all. Most importantly of all, he is here, and alive, and with her, and though her relationship with the girl was never positive, she knows that Ilyasviel was who she had to thank for it, and if she could do that, she would.
The aftermath of the War was stressful, difficult and full of troubles for them all. Shirou was alive, but his original body was lost, and for some time he was in no condition to live. Sakura had the heavy weight of guilt, two weeks of unbelievable stress and emotional trauma and eleven years of nothing but pain to recover from. Both of them had inconceivable losses to recover from, and Rin's responsibilities combined with everything else they had to rely on her to do got her into massive amounts of trouble and left her very, very busy; that was why Sakura had to take up on the role of the guardian. And yet during entire time she felt a sense of hope. No matter how low they have gotten, and even in the world emotional moments, she finally had something that she never, ever had before, and that something was the feeling, the complete certainty, deep down at the very bottom of her heart, that in the end things will turn out okay. The feeling that she was headed somewhere better.
A feeling she would not have if it weren't for this boy, who with the most admirable determination went on, and gave everything he had to make sure she could be here, in a better place than she used to be, for Rider who proved herself unflinchingly devoted and loyal to her and did everything she can for her sake, for Rin who one night after the war apologized to her and promised to do everything for their sakes that she can and reconciled with her, and for Ilyasviel who saved not just Shirou, but with her sacrifice, all of them.
And now, here he was: someone she thought she never had a chance with, someone she thought she could never be with, someone who she would have lost for the rest of her life if it were not for one person's sacrifice, in her arms, in a body that gave him the chance to live on as if nothing happened at all with only occasional need for support. And when he told he he loved her, that he truly loved her for everything she is, even if she were to become the world monster in the world, and that he will always be by her side, and told such mushy and romantic things thing she never thought anyone in the world could say them seriously- she believed him. She thinks to herself, I'm not ever going to let him go, no matter what. And while Rider, who stayed by her side the entire time, who said she did everything for her sake and meant it, who was loyal and devoted her to degree she could not believe, who told her she will protect her and make sure she won't become the monster she did in life, holds her in her arms in a steady, strong grip that made Sakura feel safe. She was not her Servant at this point, but someone close and dear to her, someone she trusted and loved. And she's not going to let me go no matter what either.
Sakura does not stop the biggest of smiles from spreading on her face.
As long as I have these two and Nee-san, she decides, I need nothing else.