Chapter Text
Kevin smoothed out the bottom of his yellow sundress while Charles braided his hair for him. He would have preferred the heavy comfort of his Joyful robe, but it had been decided that casual clothing might make those citizens of Desert Bluffs Too that didn’t worship the Smiling God more comfortable at the auction.
“It’s going to be alright,” Charles told him.
Kevin laughed, “Of course it will be! This is a joyous day meant to celebrate our wonderful Smiling God.”
Charles didn’t bother with a response, he just finished the braid and kissed the back of Kevin’s now partially revealed neck. Kevin gave a pleased hum and reached back to finger the braid. He experimented with pulling the gathered hair over his left shoulder, but it still wasn’t long enough. He shouldn’t have been surprised given it only now reached the top of his shoulders, but he still missed having long hair to play with.
“How do I look?”
“Absolutely horrendous,” Charles assured him.
Kevin grinned and turned around so he could steal a quick kiss. He kissed him again when Charles pressed up close to him, a pair of hands landing on his hips.
“Flattery will get you nowhere, Mr. Theologist.” Kevin murmured, keeping his face close to Charles’ and watching his lips despite his own words. “Especially because I’m not risking wrinkling my dress before a big event again.”
“You got this, sunshine.” Charles gave him one more sweet and slow kiss. His hands squeezed his hips just as sweetly, the weight of them helping him ground himself. “And I got you.”
“You already have an offer in mind?” Kevin checked.
“Of course!” Charles grinned, “I don’t want to spoil it for you, but I will give a hint: it involves the amusement park.”
Charles offered his belief to all beings. When he was learning about a religion, he took part in rituals and read holy texts—he might even sit in on a sermon if he could, but he never did more than that. He believed in the Smiling God but did not worship It; as long as he did the same with everything else, Kevin figured he could view it as one of his only flaws.
His boyfriend’s lack of worship just made him going out of his way to find an offering worthy of the Smiling God all the more special. Kevin pulled Charles in for another quick kiss, then took a step away from him so he wouldn’t get distracted.
“Alright,” Kevin clapped his hands together. “The auction is supposed to start in half an hour, so I really need to get going. I’d hate to be late.”
Charles gave him a small smile. He had the pleasure of cataloguing most of Charles’ smiles, and he knew this one meant ‘I love your incredible work ethic’. Kevin knew it had appeared because he had chosen to get ready in his office, which meant that to arrive on time all he had to do was leave the room, walk thirty steps down the hall, and turn right onto the raised platform at the front of his church. It took a minute at most.
“Go on,” Charles encouraged. “I’ll swing around the left so I can join the bidders.”
Kevin walked up to the pulpit and spent a moment adjusting the microphone height on top of it. Behind him were a number of long tables that held the auction items, all numbered appropriately. He flicked the microphone on and stretched his grin even wider, looking out at the sea of smiling faces before him.
“Good morning—” Kevin paused as the mic let out a squeal and took another moment to adjust it, clenching his teeth together but forcing his smile ever wider. “Oops, sorry about that! As I was saying, good morning, Desert Bluffs!”
Despite having just adjusted the microphone height so he could have his hands free, he took the microphone from its stand so he could start walking around the raised platform. He was just so happy that he didn’t think he would be able to make himself stand still for long.
“Today is our first Annual Auction of Random Things here at the Temple of Joy!” Kevin tossed one arm out wide to encompass their beautiful temple.
The Temple of Joy in Desert Bluffs Too was bigger than the original back in Desert Bluffs. It also had far more windows—big, arching things that let in the ever-shining sun of the desert other-world. Kevin had spent years working on it himself, and he was especially proud of the stained glass art in some of the windows. There were depictions of teeth, joyous smiles, and watchful eyes.
His favorite bit was the giant centipede he had spent half a year working on. When the sun hit just right, it made it appear as if the centipede was writhing about on the raised platform that he held his sermons on.
“Now, as I’m sure you all remember from my broadcast on it a month ago, there are a number of exciting things being auctioned off today in honor of our Smiling God. Instead of money, we will only be accepting offerings and/or sacrifices!”
He hit the edge of the platform and turned back to go the other way, “And to help with the auction, I have Ken here with me! I am sure all of you already know him, but in case we have any newcomers: Ken is a city council member as well as an important leader here in the temple. He has spent the past two months praying and making offerings to the Smiling God in order to be granted the honor of communing with It today.”
Kevin had desperately wanted that honor, but he had a special role for the auction and was not allowed to do both. This didn’t bother him at all, of course. He was honored to serve their Smiling God in whatever way he could.
“A joyous greeting to all of you!” Ken waved from next to the first table.
“Well, let's not drag this out too much!” Kevin walked over to stand next to Ken and the first item on offer, “Let’s see… Lot 1 here is a half drank bottle of wine. The card reads: ‘This is that bottle of strawberry wine that you started drinking with a girl after losing your virginity to each other in the back of her truck. You two had to run when a sinkhole opened up and an uncountable mass of hands tried to drag the whole truck into it, accidentally getting separated and becoming unable to remember who the other is. I remember you now, Jessica, and I pray that our Smiling God reunites us.’”
He didn’t actually get to ask if there were any bidders because a woman, presumably Jessica, ran up onto the stage and grabbed the bottle while emitting a loud, squealing noise the whole way. She handed her auction paddle to Ken and his eyes flashed golden—iris, pupil, and even the whites of his eyes bleeding into the same bright color—and then she was off with her new prize into the arms of a woman waiting at the bottom of the steps.
Kevin knew the eye flash had been Ken handling the bid, and that Jessica would be fully aware of what she owed their Smiling God. All bids would be silent for this auction, communicated through thought and images alone.
“Awe, how sweet!” Kevin cooed, “It’s great that we’re starting off on such a bang. Just as a reminder, we are hoping to get at least four virgin sacrifices, 800 quarts of blood, and a round of incoherently joyful chanting so loud that it makes all of our ears bleed. I have high hopes that we can get there! If we please our Smiling God enough, perhaps It will bless us with Its presence, and wouldn’t that be wonderful? Oh, how I have missed seeing my perfect self reflected in Its teeth!”
There was a murmur of agreement from the crowd. Kevin looked through it for a moment, then a moment longer, searching for—there. Charles was lingering towards the back, still a little uncomfortable with so many living bodies in one place, but smiling up at Kevin all the same.
“Moving right along, lot 2 is a bit o’ coin. And to clarify, it is not bitcoin, but just a bit o’ coin. The description claims it is just random change Kelly found in her grandmother’s change jar. How quaint!”
Kevin helpfully held aloft the ziploc baggie filled with coins. He waited patiently as Ken worked through the bidders, each new bid growing in worth until the victor stepped up to claim their prize.
Lot 3 went far more slowly, just some old dusty books that no one seemed interested in until Old Woman Josephine claimed it. Lot 8 was five jars of teeth collected from a dentist in the early 1900s and that was when the first blood was drawn as some of the bidders began to fight amongst themselves. Lot 15, a sapphire heart necklace that whispered of one’s worth, also drew some blood.
Lot 30, a collection of knives that had been used in various rituals and crimes throughout history, drew Kevin’s attention and he had to work quickly to make sure no one else dared to try and claim them. A few sharp reminders of who they were going against and a little more blood on the floor quickly dissuaded anyone else from trying.
More and more items were auctioned off. The closer they got to the last item the more Kevin smiled, the faster he spoke, the more joy he felt. They were doing so well! So far, there were eight virgin sacrifices, a new wedding union with a fertility ritual, and enough blood to quench the Smiling God for a month.
“And now, for our final auction item…” Kevin stepped into the middle of the platform. “Lot 73 is the leader of the Temple of Joy, none other than myself!”
He did a little twirl, causing the edge of his yellow sundress to lift up and flare out from his legs. It got the desired laugh from the congregation in front of him, and Kevin was smiling so much that he was sure he would never stop again.
The sea of faces in front of him were merging into one giant, unrecognizable blob. He searched out Charles’ face once more and found him far more easily this time, as Charles had braved the crush of bodies and forced himself right to the front. He winked at him and raised his paddle.
“We have a bid from Charles T. Theologist,” Ken looked around at the others in the crowd. “Anyone else? No? Going once, going twice—”
There was a great knocking sound from underneath them, so strong that it knocked a few people to their knees and caused others to burst out in rapturous screaming.
Ken tilted his head towards the floor, “Charles T. Theologist has been outbid.”
Kevin’s head whipped around so fast that he felt something in his neck crack, “What?”
Charles raised his paddle once more, but there was another terrible knock. Ken shook his head. A little less confident now, Charles raised his paddle for a third time, but this time the knock was so loud it made some start bleeding from their ears.
“Any higher?” Ken asked, wiping the blood from his cheek with a smile. There was a great hiss from below and Ken’s smile desperately widened, “Sorry, out of time! Charles T. Theologist has been outbid by the Outsider.”
“Outsider? This is a community auction!” Kevin protested.
“This is a community auction specifically for our Smiling God,” Ken reminded him—no, admonished him. “You yourself stipulated that those with the best offerings and/or sacrifices for It would win, and It is quite pleased by the offering of this outsider.”
Kevin forced a laugh, “Sorry, yes, of course, it’s just such a happy surprise! An outsider who wants to honor our Smiling God? How wonderful! Absolutely amazing! Forgive my initial lack of enthusiasm, I just know how intelligent my wonderful boyfriend is and so I could not believe that anyone would know any better offerings than him.”
He found Charles in the crowd once more, who was watching him with obvious worry. Too obvious. He flicked his gaze over Charles’ shoulder and Charles got the message and put a smile back on, showing how proud he was that Kevin had fetched such an alluring price for their Smiling God.
“Of course,” Ken agreed, but the look that he gave Kevin made it clear that he was found wanting. Ken turned to face the crowd once more, “Great work everyone, the auction is over! I trust everyone will go about their offerings and sacrifices as already discussed as soon as possible, as we all know what will happen if the Smiling God does not get what It has been promised, and no one wants to be forsaken and shunned!”
“Tha-that’s right!” Kevin joined in, grinning out at the crowd. “But you can go ahead and collect your winnings now, that way we can get this place cleared out for tonight’s sermon.”
He kept a careful eye out, but no one came for him. The collected mass of Desert Bluff citizens did as they were bid, but none even came close to Kevin, perhaps sensing how overjoyed he was to be the cause of such happiness for his Smiling God.