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In retrospect Changmin thinks he should’ve seen it coming. Things had been going a little too well lately, and in his experience that usually meant some huge disaster was waiting just around the corner.
Morning finds him asleep in Kyuhyun’s bed. They had been up all night playing video games with Minho, but the bed wasn't big enough to fit all three of them so they'd kicked Minho off to the couch and passed out against each other.
Kyuhyun is currently lying on his stomach with his face squished against Changmin's shoulder. The position makes his chest ache for some reason, so he shifts around. The bed bounces and Changmin flings an arm out, catching him around the waist and forcing him to still. He's still not comfortable so Kyuhyun wriggles again, until Changmin's face is buried in his chest.
"This is a great wake-up call, but I don't even know your name," Changmin mumbles. Kyuhyun wonders if he's talking in his sleep again. He shifts again, rolling onto his back. His chest feels weirdly heavy and he reaches up to rub it. His hands meet two unfamiliar round bumps and automatically squeeze. His eyes fly open and he glances down.
Kyuhyun screams. It comes out at a much higher pitch than it normally would.
Changmin jerks upright and falls off the bed, cursing as his head bangs against the wall.
"Ow fuck!"
A second later the door bursts open to reveal Minho, wild-eyed and holding aloft a ladle.
"I heard a woman scream," he says.
"And your first instinct was to grab a weapon?" Changmin asks from the floor, rubbing the back of his head.
"She sounded like she was getting attacked!"
"Great choice of weapon, genius," Kyuhyun says. The voice that comes out of his mouth isn't his own. It's soft and high-pitched and very, very girly. Minho and Changmin stare at him, then their eyes travel a couple of inches down and stare at his chest. Kyuhyun steels himself and glances down again.
He has boobs. They strain against his T-shirt, and he has the ridiculous urge to cover himself as his friends continue to stare like they've never seen boobs before.
"Oh my god. You have boobs," says Captain Obvious, otherwise known as Minho.
"Oh my god you have boobs," Changmin says. His voice has gone all high-pitched. "I thought I was dreaming but my face was actually buried in a pair of boobs. Your boobs."
Kyuhyun wants to die. He whimpers and clamps his hands over his newly-acquired cleavage.
"Help," he says.
"This is too weird. I'm out," Minho says, shaking his head and starting to back away. They hear the front door slam behind him and Kyuhyun silently curses him for a coward. He meets Changmin's eyes.
"I have the weirdest boner right now," Changmin informs him.
Kyuhyun makes a strangled sound and locks himself in the bathroom.
- - -
He curls up in a corner of the couch, and Changmin gets his head out of his ass long enough to make him a mug of soothing herbal tea. Kyuhyun had surveyed the damage earlier, stripping off and staring at himself in the bathroom mirror. Apart from the boobs he has also acquired certain other female parts (which he will later spend a long time ogling in private). His hair has lengthened to halfway down his back and he seems to have shrunk overnight.
"At least you're pretty?" Changmin tells him.
"Not helping," Kyuhyun mumbles into his tea. Changmin slants a look at him.
"I can't believe you're a girl. You have - girl parts. Your boobs were all up in my face an hour ago. Decent size too, I'd say about a C cup -"
Kyuhyun resists the urge to burst into tears. He is a man. He is a manly man, even if he does currently have boobs and a vagina.
"I could still beat up Eunhyuk," he says.
"So can most women," says Changmin, who is steadily working his way towards the title of Worst Friend Ever.
"I'm going to beat you up if you don't stop staring at my chest."
Changmin rips his eyes away with some difficulty. "Sorry, what were you saying?"
Kyuhyun shoots him a glare and shields himself with a cushion. Changmin sighs. He knows he should at least try to be more helpful, but the thing is he's always been something of a boobs man and suddenly seeing his favorite things on his favorite person is a double scoop of awesome he's not inclined to mourn. He edges closer to Kyuhyun.
"Remember how we always said we'd totally do each other if one of us was a girl?" he says.
"You keep your sleazy hands away from my girl bits," Kyuhyun growls.
There's a pause in which they eye one another.
"So are all your bits girl bits?" Changmin asks.
Kyuhyun kicks him off the couch.
- - -
Yunho comes home to find Changmin lying on the floor having some sort of mental breakdown. He steps over him on his way to the kitchen.
"Rough night?" he asks.
"Kyuhyun is a girl," Changmin says dully.
"That's not a very mature insult. Did you two have a fight?"
Changmin sits up. "No I mean he literally transformed into a girl overnight. He has boobs and everything."
"Oh." Yunho's brow furrows. "That's weird. Are you okay?" he asks, because Changmin has collapsed back on the floor and curled up into a ball again.
"I'm dealing with it," Changmin says.
"By lying fetal on the floor?"
"If I close my eyes and pray really hard he won't be a girl anymore and I won't want to screw him into next week."
"Oh. Ohhhh." Realisation dawns. After a minute Yunho pulls his phone out.
"What are you doing?" Changmin whimpers.
"Calling Siwon. We need all the prayer we can get."
- - -
They call a group meeting to try and decide what to do. His hyungs seem inappropriately amused by the fact that their youngest is suddenly a girl. It's been a while since they've had this much excitement in the dorms - the last time was when Heechul decided he wanted a sex change and neglected to tell any of them until after he'd made the appointment. Kyuhyun can still recall with fondness the expression on Leeteuk's face when he found out. They’d managed to talk Heechul out of it, but the trauma remained.
Sungmin and Ryeowook are sympathetic. The rest of them are too busy laughing to be of much help. Shindong jokingly suggests they try an exorcism on him and Kyuhyun calls him a misogynist for equating being female to being possessed by demons. This leads to a heated argument about the rampant sexism of Korean society and Kyuhyun gets a kick out of calling them all misogynists. His gender switch comes with an incredible sense of liberation - he can finally yell at them and they can't hit him to shut him up.
Changmin slinks back in just as Kyuhyun is saying something about gender inequality in the entertainment industry. His presence has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Yunho had stood over him, put Siwon on loudspeaker and let him recite bible verses at him until Changmin had agreed to go be a supportive best friend instead of a pathetic, horny mess.
He watches in horror as Donghae and Leeteuk try to calm Kyuhyun down. He keeps whacking Eunhyuk for no apparent reason every time he makes a point but no-one has the guts to physically restrain him, mostly because they haven't yet figured out where it's safe to put their hands. Eventually Changmin grabs his elbow and drags Kyuhyun into his room, closing the door behind them with a snap.
"Calm down," he orders. He notes with alarm that Kyuhyun appears to be fighting tears and panics a little. "Hey. Hey, come on. We're sorry okay. We’ll stop ogling women in low-cut tops. We'll ask management to give the girls a raise."
Kyuhyun shakes his head and takes an unsteady breath. "It's not that. I just - fuck," he tilts his head back and blinks rapidly. "I promised myself I wouldn't cry. Like I'm not enough of a girl already."
Changmin takes his shoulders and squeezes lightly. "It's not girly to cry," he says. He gives Kyuhyun a once-over. "Besides, I don't think anything you do could possibly make you more of a girl than you already are."
Kyuhyun gives a wobbly laugh and lets Changmin fold him in his arms. He's lost a couple of inches, so now he's just the perfect height to rest his head in the hollow of Changmin's throat. Curse the man for being so tall and broad and smelling like musk.
It makes Kyuhyun tingle right in the girl bits.
- - -
"Let's play a video game."
"No."
"Want to get something to eat?"
"No."
"We could go see a movie and pretend you're my girlfriend. It'll be the best scandal ever."
"No."
Changmin lets out a huff. Girl Kyuhyun is starting to get annoying, mostly because all she wants to do is sit on her bed and moan about how her life is over. The fact that he's started thinking of her in the feminine form also worries him a little.
"Come on Kyu, you can't stay holed up in your room forever."
"Yes I can," Kyuhyun says fiercely. Changmin can't believe he's sacrificing his extremely precious free time for this. He wracks his brain for ways to cheer Kyuhyun up and after a couple of minutes he hits gold. Changmin grins and slinks over to Kyuhyun's side.
"I know something we can do that's guaranteed to improve your mood," he says. Kyuhyun gives him a wary look.
"What?" she says, looking unconvinced.
"Let's go Minho baiting," Changmin says.
Kyuhyun's face lights up.
Minho baiting is an extremely simple game that involves Changmin and Kyuhyun ganging up on Minho and annoying the shit out of him. This can range anywhere from verbal barbs ('you know all your hyungs secretly hate you, right?') to calling him every five minutes to ask if his fridge is running. The fun thing about Minho is that he falls for it every single time. Eventually he snaps and tries to retaliate, at which point they pull the hyung card on him and he'll be the one forced to apologise. It’s the sort of psychological torture Changmin and Kyuhyun excel in, and they’ve become so notorious for it Key has started running a book based on how long it takes Minho to crack. The current bet is seven hours - Changmin is determined to do it in one.
「Leave me alone!!!!」 Minho texts them. They've been at it for about twenty minutes now. Changmin cackles.
"Tell him we're replacing him with Taemin," he says. Kyuhyun grins and types out the message.
"Poor Taemin, he’s so dead when Minho gets to him," she says. Minho doesn't reply for another ten minutes. "I think he's in a recording," Kyuhyun says.
"Excellent, his temper will be shorter than usual."
When another five minutes pass and Minho still hasn't replied Kyuhyun sighs and tosses her phone aside.
"This is getting kind of boring," she says. Changmin stares at her, horrified.
"I don't think we can be friends anymore," he says. Kyuhyun snorts.
"Oh grow up."
Her phone beeps with a reply from Minho.
「I hate you, I hate you both and I hope you die screaming in a boiling vat of oil」 he's texted, followed seconds later by, 「I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't mean that, please don't replace me with Taemin. He's not half as much fun to bully I swear.」
Changmin grins and holds the reply up for Kyuhyun to see.
"Eh?" he says. Kyuhyun gives a weak chuckle, but it's not really the same
- - -
They go shopping, and Kyuhyun cheers up at the sight of the array of cute clothing suddenly available to her. She drags Changmin to about twenty different stores and somehow cons him into footing the bill at every single one. Changmin thinks it has something to do with the way she sticks her chest out, bites her lip and twirls a strand of hair on her finger. Curse Kyuhyun for knowing all his weaknesses.
They get back pleasantly exhausted and Kyuhyun disappears into her room to try on some of her new wardrobe. Changmin finds it singularly suspicious how excited she is about getting to wear girl clothes, but she’s finally looking happy so he knows better than to say anything.
Kyuhyun emerges ten minutes later in a pink hoodie, checkered mini skirt and knee-high socks. Changmin’s brain jams.
“How do I look?” she asks, spinning for his inspection. Her socks have little bows on them.
“Uh,” is all Changmin can manage. Kyuhyun grins an evil little grin and Changmin realises she knows exactly how she looks. He scowls and crosses his arms. “You look ridiculous. Are you wearing makeup? Go take it off right now.”
Kyuhyun’s face falls. She flips her hair at him and turns her nose up. “Don’t hate just because I won’t let you hit this.”
“As if I even want to,” Changmin grumbles. Kyuhyun twirls over to him and plants herself in his lap.
“Liar liar pants on fire,” she smirks, grinding down against him. Changmin bites back a moan and clutches her hips.
“You’re kind of annoying as a girl. I want my best friend back,” he says, trying to focus around the haze of 50 kilos of very pretty girl straddling him.
“I’ve figured out how I’m going to turn back,” Kyuhyun announces. Changmin raises an eyebrow. “It’s just like in all the fairytales, right? I’ve got to get my true love to kiss me,” she says, shoving her face towards Changmin. The implication is clear, and Changmin stares at her until he starts going cross-eyed. Kyuhyun is blushing and it’s adorable and fuck, he really really wants to kiss her right now. He starts to lean in, and then Kyuhyun ruins the moment by adding: “I guess you’ll just have to do.”
“Why you – ” Changmin growls, and Kyuhyun laughs and kisses him. Changmin’s hands tighten on her waist and he pulls her closer, pushing her mouth open with his tongue. Kyuhyun moans, clutching his face as he kisses her in deep, wet strokes. When they draw apart she’s panting and dazed.
“Well that doesn’t seem to have worked,” Changmin manages, hypnotized by the way Kyuhyun’s chest is rising and falling. She shakes her head and leans back in.
“Maybe one more – yeah – ”
They melt into each other, tumbling sideways on the couch.
- - -
Changmin wakes up in Kyuhyun’s bed.
He stretches an arm out and finds Kyuhyun’s shoulder. Kyuhyun rolls over into the touch and Changmin’s hand trails lower, brushing over a smooth, flat chest.
He opens his eyes and groans, rolling to his knees. He tugs the covers off Kyuhyun and stares down at his very naked, very male best friend.
“Well, fuck. I can’t believe that actually worked,” he says. Kyuhyun sits up and rubs his eyes. They exchange an awkward look.
“I vote we never mention last night to anyone ever,” Kyuhyun offers. Changmin snorts.
“Oh yeah, remember that time Kyuhyun turned into a girl and we fucked like bunnies? People will be lining up to believe that one,” he says. Kyuhyun hits his shoulder and rolls out of bed, dragging half the covers with him. Changmin finds it hilarious that he thinks they still have any dignity left to maintain around each other.
“Let’s just skip the awkward morning after talk and pretend yesterday never happened,” Kyuhyun says from the bathroom, where he’s standing in front of the mirror examining his de-boobed chest.
“No way, I’m filing the sound of you moaning my name in my mental porn directory forever. Ooh Changmin, oh right there,” Changmin moans in a passable imitation of Kyuhyun’s girl voice. Kyuhyun sticks his head around the door and scowls at him, blushing furiously.
“Fuck you Shim. You just wait for the day the universe decides you no longer need your dick,” he says. Changmin laughs and flops back on the bed, pulling his phone out and scrolling through the pictures he secretly took of girl Kyuhyun while she was sleeping.
“Oh baby, I’ll be waiting,” he murmurs, and grins at the thought. Oh what fun they’d have. . .