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Adi and Francess, along with their friends, stayed behind. Sinamahan nila si Cassie to see his guests and staff go home.
It had been a successful, intimate concert that Cassie held for them. Everyone was tired, but their chests were blooming with pride and satisfaction.
“Sir France, una na po kami!” Pagtawag ng estudyante ni Francess sa kaniya. Pasakay na sila ng designated bus na maghahatid sa kanila sa kani-kanilang bahay.
“Ingat kayo.” Bago kumaway, a fond smile appeared on his tired face.
“Sabay na po kayo kay Sir Adi.” Another student beamed, nakatanggap man ng kurot sa kaklase, she still managed to smile, “Small talk, he drives” kanta pa niya.
“Huy! Gaga ka talaga,” bulong ng katabi. “Ingat po kayo! Thank you po Cassie Grant!” bago hinila ‘yung isa.
Cassie giggled, covering his mouth with his hand as if trying not to laugh.
Once everybody else was gone, the singer said, “Your students are adorable.” Then, turning to his friends, he said, “You guys should go na. Thank you so much for coming.”
“Para namang others, Cass! We all know how special this is for all of us,” Francess said.
“It really is,” Primo seconded, which earned him a not-so-subtle nudge from Simon.
“Sabay na kayong uuwi, right? Well, duh!” Cassie giggled which immediately spread out. “Go na, best friends .” This elicited a genuine laugh out of Primo and Simon, though they received a glare from Francess.
“Oo nga, best friend. Ihatid mo na ‘yang si France,” pang-aasar pa lalo ni Simon.
Bago pa sila lalong mag-asaran, something took control over Francess at hinila na lang si Adi sa sasakyan nito. And like muscle memory, Adi opened the shotgun seat’s door for him.
Tahimik sa kotse ni Adi. The very same vintage secondhanded car na binili niya mula sa naipong hindi sumasapat na sweldo sa pagtuturo. Kahit na humihina na ang air con at parang mas lamang ang init ng makina, wala na ‘yon sa isipan ni Francess. Sanay na siya—na parang kotse niya na rin ‘yon.
At parang sinasalaysay na rin nito ang pagkatao at pagsasama nila.
Paliko-liko lang sila kung saan-saan, parehong tuliro at tumatakbo sa kanya-kanyang isipan. Galing sila sa private concert ng superstar bff nilang si Cassie Grant. Kababalik lang nito galing New York, at kay bilis niyang nagawa ang kanta na sabi niya ay para sa kanilang dalawa.
Iba rin kasi ang tama ni Cassie sa kanila. Siya ‘yung tipo ng tao na hindi naitatago ang emosyon sa katawan, lalo na ang kasiyahan. Hindi mo maiiwasan kundi maapektuhan ng emosyon niya kaya’t hindi sila nakahindi o nalinaw man lang na wala naman talaga silang relasyon (bukod sa friendship nilang magiging adult na).
Ilang linggo nang binabagabag si Francess ng mga nararamdaman niyang hindi niya mapangalanan— “Oo na, sige! Alam ko kung ano ‘yon. Eh, ayaw ko ngang kilalanin!” isip-isip niya. Mula sa mga tukso nina Primo at Simon way back college years pa nila, mga usapan na naririnig niya mula sa mga pamilya nila ni Adi, mga pagpupuna ng mga estudyante nila, at ngayon—pati kanta ni Cassie. May alam at nakikita silang hindi lubos na maamin ni Francess sa sarili niya. Parang tubig na nakapaligid sa kanya at siya ang isda—hindi niya makita kaya madaling i-deny. ‘Yung kahit na sabihin ng lahat na nasa tubig siya, hindi niya alam kung paano lalangoy paalis.
Teka nga. Speaking of pamilya ni Adi—anniversary nina Tita Mona kumakailan lang. Pagtitipon na hindi man lang siya inimbita ni Adi. Tulad ng sabi ni Tita Mona, paano na lang siguro kung hindi niya inimbita ang kanyang inay?
“Ayaw niya ba ‘kong makita?” bigla niyang naisip, bago nagnakaw ng tingin sa nagmamanehong malayo ang tingin. Huli niyang nakita ang pagta-tap ni Adi sa manibela na parang nagbibilang ng segundo.
Idagdag pa natin na grabeng umiwas si Adi nang araw na ‘yon. Alam naman ni Francess na may problema si Adi na maaaring siya ang dahilan—oo na! Siya na ang dahilan. Pero ang ginawa lang naman niya ay makipag-date sa co-worker ni Simon, eh! Ano bang pakialam ni Adi kung nakipag-date siya? Dahil ba ro’n sa pag-aakala ni Cassie na sila nung Sabado three weeks ago, tapos Lunes ‘yung date? Tsaka, ano naman kung biglaan siyang hindi sumabay kay Adi that same day sa pagpunta sa school at lunch? ‘Yon ba ang dahilan kaya nag-inom ‘yung tatlo two weeks ago?
Sus. Malaki na ‘yon. Kaya na niya sarili niya.
Habang kung ano-anong iyamot at pagkagulo ang nasa isipan ni Francess, pinipilit naman ni Adi na huminga nang malalim—‘yung tipo ng paghinga na ayaw mong marinig ng katabi mo na malapit ka nang sumabog. Halos sumakit na rin ang ulo niya sa pagtikom ng panga, at parang matatanggal na sa kinalalagyan ang manibela sa higpit ng hawak niya. Nagmamaneho siya, kailangan niyang mailagay sa tuwid ang emosyon niya.
Alam na alam ni Adi kung anong tumatakbo sa isipan ng kaibigan niya. Nasa receiving end din siya ng specially made for them song ni Cassie na ‘You Are In Love’.
Kantahan ba naman kayo ng “Pauses, then says, ‘you’re my best friend’ / And you knew what it was, he is in love”. Ilang taon na niyang naririnig ‘yon, pero ang Panginoon lang ang nagbibilang kung ilang beses niyang inilibing ang bagabag sa puso’t isipan niya. Iba ka talaga umatake, Cassie.
Mahigit dalawang linggo nang naamin ni Adi sa sarili ang matagal na niyang ibinaon. Well, katulad nga ng sinabi niya kina Simon at Primo nang mag-inuman sila, ang akala niyang inilibing na niya ay tumubo at lalong lumago. Tsaka, ano bang laban niya? Eh, si Francess na ‘yan.
Bulubundukin na ang guilt na nararamdaman ni Adi ngayon. Oo, alam niyang kailangan ng space ni Francess, kaya ibinigay niya, pero dapat bang sinuyo na niya no’ng una pa lang? Tama si Simon—kung itinago niya bilang “as a friend” ‘yung attempts niya sana na makausap si Francess, baka wala sila rito ngayon. Pero ano ba kasing dapat niyang gawin? Kilala niya si Francess. Naguluhan ‘yon sa sinabi ni Cassie, kaya hinayaan niya muna. At mas lalong kailangan ng space dahil nga nakipag-date. Kung naiiyamot pa rin siya kay Simon dahil siya ang may kasalanan no’n, tapos na ‘yon. Pero naiiyamot pa rin siya.
Naisip niya rin na baka lalo na namang nabagabag si Francess nung nagkita-kita na naman sila—coincidentally—sa parking lot kasama si Cassie. Shuta, hinintay pa nga sila ng superstar na mag-goodbye kiss daw. Nakakahiya. Kung nasa cartoon lang sila, baka nagpatunaw na lang siya sa init ng araw nung hapon na ‘yon.
At kahit na sa isang araw na no’n ang wedding anniversary ng magulang niya, hindi na niya napaalalahanan si Francess. Gulong-gulo na nga siya sa gusto niyang gawin o kung ano bang dapat niyang gawin. Pero alam naman niyang hindi na kailangan ng kaibigan ng paalala. Halos kamag-anak na nga nila ang pamilyang Molina dahil sa higit dalawang dekada na nilang pagiging magkapit-bahay. At isa pa, madalas nga na si Francess pa ang nagpapaalala sa kaniya na bumili raw sila ng regalo o pwera kailangan nila ng tulong sa pagluluto.
Nang makita ni Adi ang pamilyang Molina no’n sa entrance ng resort, tumigil ang mundo niya. Kahit na biglang nawala ang bigat sa mukha ng kaibigan nang salubungin siya ng pamangkin ni Adi, lumabas ulit ‘yon nang kaunti no’ng nagtugma sila ng tingin. Parang kahoy lang na nakatayo no’n si Adi dahil sa sobrang pagpipigil na kuhanin agad ang bitbitin nila Francess. Kung hindi pa siya pinagalitan ng nanay niya ay hindi siya lalapit.
Hindi niya rin naman gustong hindi pansinin si Francess no’n. Lagi niya ngang binabantayan ng tingin—kahit pinag-imis na siya ng kung ano-ano at tumulong sa pagluluto. Palinga-linga ba naman kasi. Mas natutukan niya pa yata si Francess kaysa sa barbecue na iniihaw niya.
Tinawanan pa siya ng ate niya nang makita siya. Wala naman daw magtatakbo kay Francess pauwi. Pinagsabihan pa siya ng nanay niya dahil nabanggit pala ni Francess sa ate niya na may umaaligid daw sa kaniya na co-teacher. Nakatanggap pa siya ng matalim na tingin mula sa kuya niya—inaakusahan na agad siya ng pagtataksil.
Kung alam lang nila—araw-araw, kinakalaban ni Adi ang sarili niya para hindi hilahin si Francess pasakay ng kotse niya tuwing uwian. Imbis na gawin iyon, natatanaw lang niya ito mula sa railings sa tapat ng faculty room. Wala namang ibang nakikita si Adi kundi ang lungkot at pagtakbo nung isa mula sa kanya.
Tapos ‘yung pagkanta pa ni Francess ng ‘Hanggang Kailan (Umuwi Ka Na, Baby)’. Kung delulu lang si Adi, baka pinagbigyan niya ang sariling lalong mabaliw sa kaba sa boses ng kaibigan nung kantahin niya ang “Na baka sa tagal, mahulog ang loob mo sa iba”.
Isa sa mga paborito niya tuwing nagmamaneho ay ang pagkanta ng kaibigan, sabay sa radyo habang tinatahak nila ang daan pauwi sa subdivision. Kung kaya’t hindi lang sa facial expressions o bodily gestures niya saulo si Francess—pati na rin sa underlying emotions niya ‘pag kumakanta at sa mga gusto niyang sabihin in between the lines. Katulad ng kotse na matagal na nilang sinasakyan, alam nila kung anong laman ng glove box, ilang pihit ang pagbaba ng bintana, wala na sa kanila ang amoy ng init ng makina—at lalong alam na alam ni Adi kung gaano siya nanlumo sa halos tatlong linggong bakanteng shotgun seat.
Sobrang tahimik. Sobrang init. Sobrang kulang.
“Adi,” bulong ni Francess, tila hindi sigurado kung babasagin ang katahimikan. ‘Yung tipo ng hina na mawawala sa ingay ng makina kung hindi sanay ang tainga ni Adi sa bawat pagtawag ng isa.
Binalingan niya ng tingin ang kaibigan na kanina niya pang pinakikiramdaman dahil sa hindi matigil na pag-bounce ng right leg niya. “Hmm?” halos sumabit ang tunog na ‘yon sa lalamunan niya.
“Bakit pilit mong pinagtatanggol si Ma’am Joanne?” Para namang kumawala lang sa ngipin ni Francess ang pangalan, tila ayaw niyang banggitin. Pero gustong-gusto niyang malaman kahit na gusot na sa kamay niya ang panyo at seatbelt.
Pambihira. Lampas isang oras na silang nakakalayo pero si Ma’am Joanne pa rin? Ipinarada ni Adi ang kotse sa tabi ng tahimik na kalsada. Huminga nang malalim at hindi binibitawan ang manibela. Nagnakaw siya ng tingin sa kaibigang nakakuba ang balikat at pinaglalaruan ang panyo na binigay ni Adi nang umiyak si Francess sa performance kanina.
“France…” Pabuntong-hiningang panimula ni Adi. Hinga mula sa tensyon, sa bigat ng nararamdaman niya, sa inis. Nirolyo niya ang bintana, “Hanggang dito, si Ma’am Joanne pa rin?”
“Eh, bakit hindi?” Parang biglang nabuhayan si Francess.
Sanay na si Adi sa banters nila sa sasakyan. Parang laro na lang nila ‘yon dahil kung ano-anong naiisip ni Francess. Overthinker na passenger at batak mag-assure na driver. Perfect.
“Dahil ba ‘to sa concerns ng mga estudyante mo kanina?” Pinili niya pa ring kumalma. Hanggang dito ba naman ay papansin ang co-teacher na ‘yon? Hindi nga ‘yon kasama sa mga inimbita ni Cassie, eh.
“O-oo…” Nawala ang offensive stance ni Francess. “Hindi sinungaling ang mga anak ko. Nag-observe ako one time sa class nila kasi overtime na si ma’am. Totoo ang sinasabi—” Naputol ang depensa ng pasahero nang marinig ang mas mabigat na hinga ni Adi. “Ano?!” Bigla siyang naiyamot.
“‘Wag na natin siyang pag-usapan, France.” Napatingin siya at nakasandal si Adi sa upuan, nakapikit.
“At bakit? Kasi ipagtatanggol mo na naman?” Umaangat na ang boses niya, nakapihit na ang katawan.
“France, hindi. Wala lang ‘yung tao kanina, at tsaka…” Tumigil siya para bawasan ang bigat. “Hindi ko rin naman alam ang senaryo.” Nakapokus lang ang tingin sa ceiling ng sasakyan.
“O, edi sana pinakinggan mo muna sila. Hindi ‘yung…” Humina ang boses ni Francess. Parang hindi na sigurado kung itutuloy niya pa. Dahan-dahan siyang sumandal.
“Sabihin mo na, Klay.”
Parang sumipa ang energy drink sa katawan ni Francess. Biglaan ang pagpihit muli ng katawan niya at parang napuno ng nagtatakbuhang mga kabayo ang puso niya.
“Ano?” Nakataas ang kilay.
“Sabihin mo na kung ano ba talagang gusto mong sabihin.” Pagod ang mga mata ng kaibigan nang nagmulat ito.
Naalala ni Francess ang pagtawag sa kaniya ng pamangkin ni Adi ng “Klay” sa resort. Noong hindi pa lumilipat ng upahan ang ate ni Adi, lagi niyang binabantayan si Andrea. Saksi siya sa walang sawang pagtawag sa kanya ng nickname na ‘yon noon. Nararamdaman na ni Francess ang puso niya sa kaniyang lalamunan.
“Wala akong gustong sabihin.” Halos manginig siya. Tinanggal na niya ang seatbelt.
Napatawa na lang si Adi at umayos ng upo. “Nagseselos ka ba?”
“Haha. Funny. Baliw ka ba?” Hindi na maipinta ang mukha ni Francess. Tinawag ka ng kaibigan mo sa old nickname niya sa ‘yo, ayaw mong pangalanan ‘yung nararamdaman mo, tapos tatanungin ka kung nagseselos ka sa pinakanakakainis na tao sa buong mundo? Ha!
“Sabi ko na nga ba’t may mali sa ‘yo. Walang traffic pero wala pa tayo sa bahay. Magpatingin ka na nga.” Tuloy-tuloy na sabi niya.
“You don’t have to be defensive, France.” Not Klay anymore? Slip of the mouth lang?
“Defensive mo mukha mo!” Napasandal na naman siya sa inis. Nagkrus ang mga braso at umirap sa hangin. Napaihip pa siya sa bangs niyang humahaba na. “Whatever,” habol niya bago nirolyo ang bintana niya.
“Eh, kung hindi, bakit inis na inis ka sa kaniya?” Ha, how easy it is to slip back to their normal na sagutan.
Umirap ulit siya bago tumingin nang mabilis sa kaliwa. “Ang OA, ha! Bakit ko naman pagsasayangan ng emosyon ‘yon?!”
“Just say it, France.” His turn to remove the seatbelt and sit comfortably.
“Ano ba kasing sasabihin ko? Na nakakasura kasi hindi mo man lang ako sinuyo?” Adi smirked—there it is.
“Like, hello? Two weeks? Natiis mo ‘ko nang two weeks?” With flailing arms pa. “Plus!” He exclaimed with a pointed finger, “Two weeks plus!” Balik crossed arms then glared at him.
Kahit mag-iwasan sila sa hindi malamang dahilan, lagi naman siyang kinukumusta ng isa. Chat man ‘yan o habilin sa iba nilang tropa. Argh! Oo na! Kasalanan niya!
“So…” he paused briefly, making sure na it’s his turn. “Naiinis ka, yes, pero not because of Joanne?”
Halos mabali yata ang leeg ni Francess sa paglingon niya. “Ang kulit talaga!” Isip niya.
Halos mapaatras si Adi sa talim ng tingin kahit ang dilim sa daan, “Excuse me? Close kayo?”
Usually, magpapakumbaba na si Adi at hindi na mang-aasar… “Oo.”
He saw Francess’ chest heaved, “‘Di ba kumain kami sa labas?” He teased.
“Labas? Sus! Para karinderya lang sa tapat ng school, labas? So OA, ha!”
“Gotcha.”
“Hmm, selos nga?” Bago pa maka-rebut ang kaibigan, “I mean, you did say na nasusura ka kasi hindi kita sinuyo tapos the first thing you asked ay tungkol sa kaniya.”
Silence. Nakakunot lang ang noo ni Francess, nakatitig sa kuting na naglalaro sa tapat.
“Ewan ko sa ‘yo, Adi.” Typical Francess—pilit nilalabanan ang obvious. Kunwari walang iniisip pero kitang-kita sa mukha. Mas maingay pa sa pag-clutch-and-release niya sa panyong hawak, parang sasakyang hindi sigurado kung titigil o aabante.
“‘Di ba I assured you naman na pinapansin ko lang si Ma’am Joanne to spare her from embarrassment? Alam mo namang iniiwasan ko siya kasi ayaw ko rin naman siyang paasahin knowing na gusto niya ‘ko.”
Deretso pa rin ang tingin ng kasama. Sige. “Well, anong magagawa ko?” Nahuli niya ang konting kibit ng ulo ng kaibigan, “Ang pogi ko kasi.”
Panyo ang natanggap niya… sa mukha. “Ang kapal talaga.” Pero hindi na rin nalabanan ni Francess ang ngiti. “Sira.” Bago pilit na lukutin muli ang mukha.
“You know that you can be honest with me, ‘di ba?” He said after a moment of comfortable silence. He kept the handkerchief on his lap.
France nodded, distracted sa kuting.
“Kung ano man ‘yung narinig mo about sa karinderya, wala ‘yon.” He fought the urge to reach out, pinaglaruan niya na lang ang manibela. “Hindi naman natin siya kailangang pag-usapan, eh.”
“Pwes, anong pag-uusapan natin?” If Adi knows France, it goes both ways.
“Anything, really.” They settled down. It’s like their rolled down windows let go of the suffocating tension a while ago.
The engine is cooling down and the feelings that had burdened them start to do the same. In Francess’ peripheral vision, napapanatag siya. Mas dama niya ang numinipis na cushion ng upuan, hindi na siya parang nilalamon ng shotgun seat, walang matapang na pabango, hindi gano'n kaginaw, at alam niyang hindi niya na kailangang magpanggap.
He finally looked at the driver, “Bakit hindi mo ‘ko inimbitahan sa anniversary nila Tita?” Nakanguso niyang panimula.
Matik ang kulbit ng ngiti sa labi ni Adi. Cute.
“Sorry,” kamot-ulo niyang sabi, hindi makatingin nang deretso sa kaniya. Francess caught a glimpse of elementary Adi who accidentally knocked off his dirty ice cream. “I was thinking kasi na baka busy ka rin?”
France was quick to cut him off. “Busy saan? You know my sched kaya!” His confusion showed on his face.
“You were going out on dates, France. Wala nang schedule. Nagbago lahat.”
Natahimik siya sa reyalidad.
Adi was quick to add, “Honestly, hindi ko alam kung paano pa kita ia-approach kahit gusto ko. I just didn't want to cross the line na ginuguhit mo.” He saw a fleeting hurt in the other’s eyes.
“Ouch. Edi kasalanan ko nga,” Francess thought.
“Tsaka you're more familiar sa celebration dates ng family ko—kahit birthday ng tito kong taga-Lucena.” Natatawa niyang tapos, pero it sounded hollow.
“Eh, malay ko ba kung ibang araw ‘yon ganapin? Paano pala kung hindi nasabihan ang inay tapos pumunta kami sa inyo? Nakatunganga lang kami sa labas ng bahay ni’yo?”
“Sorry na.” Adi showed a tight-lipped smile.
“Tsaka paano kung in-adjust nila sa ibang araw kasi hindi available ‘yung iba?” France’s guarded body started loosening up once again.
“Oo na nga. Panalo ka na.” Payapang pagsuko niya—na parang siya pa ‘yung nanalo.
When they looked back ahead, nagtatakbo na ‘yung kuting.
After a while, hindi na napigilang magtanong ni Adi. “Why did you suddenly stop calling me that nickname?”
That very same question had been bugging the rest of their friend group ever since college.
They were third-year college students at the time. Everybody knew them as Fidel and Klay—even the state university hallways. It was an exclusive thing, and everyone around them just collectively knew to keep those names out their mouths.
Adi would never forget how it started.
They were seatmates in fourth grade. It was that random day na bigla niyang na-realize—kilala niya lang si France bilang anak ng kapitbahay na kumare ng nanay niya, kalaro niya ng pogs, kakumpetensya niya sa luto-lutuan na parang nasa MasterChef sila, kapalitan niya ng pogs, minsan asawa sa role play, madalas i-save sa dyarbeys, kasama niyang magtago ‘pag siyesta na. No’n niya lang nalaman ang buong pangalan ni France.
“Francess?” Halos buong katawan na yata ni Adi ang humarang no’n sa papel ni Francess—parang hindi siya makapaniwala.
“Adi!” Inis niyang salita bago hinila ang polo ng katabi paupo.
“Francess pangalan mo? May dalawang ‘s’? Francess Nicolai?” Tuloy-tuloy ang bunganga at namamangha.
“Eh, ano naman—” Sumilip siya sa papel ng katabi, “—Fidel Adrian?”
Adi never said this to anyone but he grew up hating his first name. Fidel ba naman. Hindi pa naman siya matanda, tsaka hindi bagay sa napakapilyo niyang personalidad nung bata pa siya—lagi niyang naririnig na reklamo ng nanay niya. But somehow, he didn’t mind hearing it from Francess’ mouth.
“Wala lang. Francess, parang princess, gano’n? Kaya pala pink favorite mo.” Genuine curiosity ang namutawi sa kaniya. Game na game pa sa panghuhula. Para siyang nakadiskubre ng tsinelas sa puno ng kawayan habang naglalaro ng hanapan-tsinelas.
“Ha? Pinagsasasabi mo? Ikaw nga, Fidel, eh!”
“Eh, ano naman?” Ulit niya sa reaksyon ni Francess. Walang kwentang bangayan.
“Katunog kaya! Princess, Francess.” Sa taas pa nakatingin, parang ini-imagine pa kung may mali ba. “Oh!” He snapped his fingers bago tumuro sa katabi. “Francess, Princess.”
“Tigilan mo nga ako, Fidel.” Kung hindi pa sila sasawayin ng guro nila ay hindi sila matitigil sa bangayan no’n.
Napatawa si Adi sa naalala. Francess seemingly remembered the same scenario as he laughed with him.
“Bakit nga naging gano'n?” Gano’n—hindi mabanggit ni Francess ang sariling palayaw.
“Klay?” Napakadaling rumolyo sa dila ni Adi ang palayaw na parang hindi siya tumigil sa pagtawag noon sa kaniya. Kung anong kalabog ang naramdaman ni Francess at napaayos siya ng upo. Buti na lang at sa iba nakatingin ang kababata habang inaalala ang dahilan kung hindi, baka bigla siyang napa-walk out.
Napatawa si Adi nang maalala, “Ano?” Lalo itong natawa, “Huy, ano nga?” Tinago niya sa pagkainip ang kalabog. “Ang tagal naman.” Umiiling pa, hindi mapigil ang tawa. “Adi!”
“Kasi clay.” Sagot niya sa wakas na para bang it solves everything.
“Wow, ha. Ang helpful.” Irap niya bago absentmindedly na pinaglaruan ang lock ng pinto.
“Clay nga kasi.” Adi waited for a bit. Nang hindi niya makuha ang atensyon ng isa, “I mean, hindi gano'n kabagay sa ‘yo ang Nico noon.”
Kahit na hindi sa kaniya nakatutok ang talim ng tingin ni Francess ay naramdaman niya ‘yon sa leeg niya. Despite that, natawa pa rin siya.
“France ang tawag sa ‘yo ng lahat, kaya na-excite ako nung nalaman ko pangalan mo. Basta ang weird nung Nico dati. Kapangalan nung kapitan dati na mukhang gangster.” Adi, despite knowing na parang wala namang patutunguhan ang explanation, tried to explain earnestly. Buong katawan talaga ang nakapihit sa direksyon ni Francess, naka-dekwatro ang upo, nagha-hand gestures pa.
“Anong point?” Francess asked, bored.
“Kasi nga, ang haba masyado kung Francess. Katunog pa ng princess.”
“Wala talagang sense. Pati ‘yung color pink,” singit niya. His forehead wrinkles again, but softer with nostalgia.
“Totoo naman kasi. I mean—” He exhaled, seemingly giving up defending himself. “Prinsesa ka rin kasi nila Tita Elena since only child ka. Lagi ka pang nagba-blush ‘pag nasa initan. Cute mo kaya.” Para siyang naghuhukay para matakluban ang pagbabago-bagong reaksyon ni Francess the more he drags on.
“Parang tanga, Adi.” Francess forced himself to sound bored—not that he wasn’t—swallowing the lump in his throat because of the sudden praise. “I-explain mo na kasi ‘yung isa.”
Adi gave up, raising his hands in surrender. “Fine.”
“Anong clay ba?” Umayos ng upo si Francess, reaching out sa Mirage Transformers figurine na naka-stick sa ibabaw ng glove box.
“Clay kasi malagkit—” Kung hindi lang naka-super glue si Mirage ay baka naibato na ‘yon ni Francess kay Adi. “—madikit pala.”
Francess breathes in, as if preparing himself for a big revelation.
Adi continues, “Favorite mo kasing maglaro ng clay dati. ‘Di ba may set ka pa nga no’n panggawa ng cake.”
Napangiti nang bahagya si Francess, remembering na ipinama na niya ‘yon kay Andrea. His fingers only kept on tracing Mirage.
“Tapos nagtatago ka pa ng maliit na bote ng lotion no’n. Sabi mo, filling ng cake pero hinahalo mo talaga sa clay para lumambot. Kaya lalong nalagkit.” Napapailing sa tawa na kwento ni Adi. “Naisip ko para kang clay. ‘Yung kahit ang dungis at lagkit na natin sa initan, lagi ka pa ring nilo-lotion-an ni tita.”
In the back of Francess mind, as he is being reminded how much his parents cared for him, he thinks, “Kaya ba sobra mo rin akong alagaan?”
And only if he could hear Adi think, “It comes in easy to everyone na alagaan ka. It was never a task or a duty. It just is.”
He used to think that Tita Elena picked the right name for Francess. France, the city of love. A walking proof of love who doesn’t hesitate to spread love until maubos na or when he decides na someone just doesn’t deserve it. His love is rooted with understanding and compassion—kahit naiinis na siya, he chooses love. His softness, inside and out, makes him strong. He’s so France—and Adi still thinks that a decade and plus after.
Francess sat back, withdrawing from Mirage. “So, it’s nothing deep?” Baling niya sa katabi.
“Nothing deep. Childhood logic lang.” He affirmed before leaning back to his car door.
They can hear the hesitation that follows in the air. As if the tension is building up once again.
Adi looked outside of the windshield, his fingers mindlessly playing with the steering wheel.
After a beat, Adi looked forward to seeing Francess biting the inside of his cheek. They’re both hesitating.
“Fidel.” Francess finally said. Hindi rin alam ni Francess kung paano niya nasabi ‘yon nang hindi sumisigaw o nanginginig. May kung anong recognition o pagkagulat siyang nakita sa bakanteng mukha ni Adi.
The name almost felt foreign from Francess’ mouth. They’re both feeling a little bit of loss. Their eyes avoid meeting the other’s.
Francess cleared his throat. “Fidel.” He tried again. If he were more honest with himself, he wouldn’t fight back the tears that threatened to pool in his eyes. Two syllables, yet they weighed the entirety of their two decades of inseparable bond.
Adi found himself laughing lowly. The bitterness and nostalgia didn’t escape Francess’ ears. The passenger looked down at his fiddling hands in his lap.
“So…” The driver started, blinking away the ache. “Will you tell me now?” He asked slowly.
Francess tilted his head to the side, as if trying to steer himself away from trouble. He sighed deeply. Then, he anchored himself back and looked at Adi.
“It was petty lang naman,” he said. Every word was breathed out as if testing the air. He leaned forward and back, uncomfortable.
He stole a glance to the side and struggled. “I just thought na unfair kung may nickname ka sa ‘kin tapos ako, wala.”
Adi saw everything. His eyes looking up, the brief lip biting, the bouncing leg that he forced to stop, the hesitation, the frustration, the hands hugging his body as if to sink in his seat. He finally reached out.
“Hey…” Bulong niya, gently laying his hand sa headrest ni Francess. “It’s alright. You don’t have to force yourself.”
The passenger immediately shook his head. “Hindi.” He blinked rapidly bago huminga nang malalim at tumingin sa kaniya.
“I mean, it’s palayaw lang naman. I don’t know why I’m hesitating so much!” He rants. He needed to get that out.
Bago pa maka-respond si Adi—“One time,” the driver leaned back in his seat. Francess pretended not to mourn the drawn-back presence.
“One time, tinanong ko si Inay kung ano ‘yung ‘endearment’. Sabi niya—” He took a deep breath, the weight of the nicknames finally tipping him down.
He fixed his eyes on Mirage instead, “Sabi niya, parang palayaw daw ‘yon. Lengleng daw ang tawag sa kaniya ni Lolo kasi he cares so much.” He smiled slightly.
“It’s like a name raw. Pero given by the person who thinks of you as someone special.” He felt his heart drop down his stomach, He looked outside his window, his right hand suddenly clinging tightly to the door.
“Putangina,” Francess cussed in his head. It wasn’t ‘petty lang naman’ . “Tangina talaga.”
Adi loosens his hold sa manibela niya. Kanina niya pa ‘yong hawak magmula nang magpaliwanag ang isa. When he looked at his palms, the crescent moon marks from his nails tingle and they’re deep.
The taller one knew he was driving on a slippery road, but he still asked. “So, what did you feel when I started calling you Klay?”
The other knows that at this point, there’s no escaping anything, but still. “Wala lang.” He retrieved his stance at sumandal ulit. “Gusto lang naman kitang gantihan no’n.”
“Petty lang,” Adi seemingly affirmed—kahit na he wished there was something else.
“Yeah…” Francess said with an exhale and nodded to Mirage.
“Pero bakit Fidel?” He couldn’t let it go.
The shorter pursed his lip before he made a sound. “Kasi walang ibang natawag sa ‘yo no’n.”
Adi is really not one to push or force anyone. But he couldn’t stop himself from being so driven right now. “You can be honest with me, France,” He blurted out.
Napapikit si Francess at napakuyom ng kamao. “‘Yun na nga ‘yon, Adi.”
There was silence that followed, and the passenger finally looked into the eyes that had been laser-focused on him.
It only took one second from that look to force him down. “Fine!” He slapped both of his hands down his thigh.
“It really just felt fitting at that time,” he whispered to himself. “I didn’t have the words for it until college,” he explained like he was giving up.
The softness and struggle in his voice undermined the heavy feeling in his mind and heart. He felt like he was confessing a long-harbored sin.
“Fidel was old-fashioned. Pero katulad ng panahon, it sounds stable and reliable.” Adi heard a layer of reminiscing. “You were so guarded when I first met you.” The fondness seeped in.
“Guarded ka pa rin naman, pero in my eyes,” he paused—but there was no hesitation. “You’re guarded in a way na may silent resilience. Structured ka in the way na I know I can always lean onto you. And that’s what you always do. Gets mo ‘ko lagi.”
Francess feels his eyes starting to well up. It was as if his honesty cleansed the clouds in his eyes. He was unearthing the truths that are living deep into his core. Shit.
The gears are turning for both of them.
For Adi, it’s like he’s finally seeing the sun rising on the horizon.
“College?” He uttered, lost in the static in his head. “‘Yon ‘yung reason?” He tried to make sense of it. “You finally found meaning, but it made you stop…” His voice faded into the tension.
“God, Adi!” Francess frustratingly said, his hands running through his hair. “It wasn’t that simple,” naluluha niyang sabi.
“Alam ko, France! Of course it isn’t! You struggled saying it.” Adi’s eyes were blowing wild, but he still tried to anchor himself.
They’re both undermining what has been hidden for years and years. And it felt like fighting fire with fire.
The steadiness in Adi is starting to come apart and Francess’ truths are materializing. Everything is raw, vulnerable, undeniable, and becoming more real.
“Why did you stop?” The look on Adi’s face was heartbreaking as he remembered the day he was suddenly “Adi” and not his “Fidel” anymore.
Francess’ emotions flowed like a dam breaking. He cries out loud. “Because it was starting to feel real.” He shook.
“Real?” Adi’s eyebrows meet.
“Don’t—don’t make me say it.” The other’s voice grew louder and harder.
“Say it.” He pushed because he needed to hear it. He has been dying to.
“Adi…” Francess whispers, his breathing stuttering. He can’t say it. He shook his head.
“Klay, please,” pakiusap niya.
Sunod-sunod na iling ang natanggap niya. “Ayoko.” He sobs. “Ayoko, Adi.” Umiling siya ulit. “Natatakot ako, Adi. Ayoko.”
The taller wallowed himself in realization as he let the other even his breath and calm down. He put the handkerchief on top of the installed cup holder in between their seats and silently opened the tumbler beside it.
The other gripped the tumbler tightly after he drank, forcing himself to calm down. He had always avoided facing his demons like this because it took a single thread for him to fall apart. It used to not really matter because Adi had always been there to hold him and put him back together.
But now? Adi was the center of his unraveling. Ang hirap. Hindi niya kaya.
Adi patiently waited. Alam niya. He heard what he had to hear pero kulang pa. Pakiramdam niya ay mababaliw na siya kung in-between the lines na naman ang matatanggap niya. Yes, he understood the unsaid, but he needed the clear answer right now.
The shorter one shook his head again without looking back. “No, Adi. Please.” He breathed in, trying not to cry again. “Hindi ko kaya.”
“Kaya mo, Klay. Kaya mo.” His voice shook.
The other bit his lip to stop a sob from coming out. “I might fall apart,” he whispered, confessing his heart.
“I’ll hold you. I will fix you.”
Francess cried again because he knew that Adi would.
He hugged the tumbler closer to him, “And if I fall?”
They are getting closer and closer to the end of the tunnel. Both are grappling with fears of tomorrow. Because what if they aren’t deciphering what the other is saying correctly?
To Francess, this is more than their history—it’s everything he turns a blind eye from. It’s the little crush and blush he had for Adi when he saw how determined the other was in sixth grade to become a basketball player. It was the shock he felt when Adi’s voice got deeper and had a growth spurt. The butterflies he swallowed with his gulaman in high school. All of those fleeting moments he let himself catch a glimpse of what may be. This has everything to do with the fear of losing the only steady ground and constant person he ever had in his life. This is more than half his life—more than everything he's spent years running from. This is about Adi—his constant. What would he do if the truth isn’t what he’s denying himself to face right now?
To Adi, this is certainty. His feelings remain unshaken, unwavering. If it did not die when he first realized and recognized it in college, it certainly would not die now. He needs honesty—truth beyond Francess’ defenses. All this time, and still—Francess is a world that keeps unfolding. And Adi, no matter how well he knows him, no matter how effortlessly he reads him, finds himself wanting to discover more. Francess is a whole world on his own. This is about Francess—his clarity.
“I will catch you,” he says, without skipping a beat.
Francess finally looked up, blinking his tears away, immediately wiping them off. “Tangina, Adi.” He inhaled sharply. “Ano ba kasing gusto mong marinig?”
“‘Yung totoo.” Adi said sternly.
“It’s—it’s nothing! Like, what’s the point?” Francess laughed sarcastically, his smile covered the tears.
“Klay, you know why.” The taller’s voice starts to crack, seeing the other fight himself—struggling not to fall apart. He reaches out, but his hand is slapped away.
“Why do you keep on pushing this?” There’s fire in his eyes, his defenses are up once again. “Tangina naman, Adi! Ano pa bang sasabihin ko? It’s not like you feel—” He abruptly stopped, almost telling the truth. It’s like he’s building sand castle walls right where the sea reaches.
And if Francess is the stubborn sand castle builder, Adi is the stubborn ocean waves crashing in.
“Don’t pretend like it’s nothing, Klay!” Adi’s jaw aches from holding himself back—desperate not to shout, not to lose his mind. He wants to hold Francess so much, but he’s had enough pain tonight.
Francess laughed bitterly, “Interrogation ba ‘to? Hindi naman ako aware.” He’s trying to run away.
“Stop pulling away, please.” Adi whispers.
“I’m not! I’m—I’m not.” The passenger says, trying to pull himself together—telling himself nothing is wrong, though he can’t even look at Adi.
The driver quietly pries the tumbler from Francess’ tight grip. The other held his breath from the sudden touch but evidently softened his guarded body. Adi put it back where it belonged, breathing out as he sat back properly, facing the steering wheel.
Adi listened to Francess who’s trying to even his breath. After a while, the taller finally spoke.
“You can’t keep on running away.” He says softly, looking out of the windshield.
“Wala naman kasi akong sasabihin. Pilit ka nang pilit, eh pa’no kung wala nga?” Francess’ voice is now more stable.
Adi looked at him and said in all truth, “You can fool yourself but not me, Klay. Just say it.”
The shorter felt something snap in him. The last thread of his sanity, maybe? He has nowhere else to run anymore. The fears and bottled up feelings start to feel like they're choking him. His knees want him to run, his body pleads him to do something with the adrenaline and anxiety beating throughout his body. It’s taking him this much to be honest.
“Putangina. Oo na, Adi!” He exploded. “Kasalanan ko na kaya hindi ka nag-reach out. I built the wall between us dahil sa sinabi ni Cassie. I went out on a date that made me feel like I’m not me.” That’s it. The abrupt realization had him choking a sob. “I missed you so much these past few weeks kasi I don’t feel like myself.” Tears fell down like running water. He was never happy.
“Pero it hurt me so much kasi kilala mo ‘ko, eh.” His breath labored. Pinching at his thigh as his chest kept on tightening. “Kahit alam mo na nagse-self-sabotage lang ako, you still didn’t reach out. Gets mo dapat ako, eh.” He bit his lip to suppress the sob that still came out. He punched his knee. “But you ate out with Ma’am Joanne. Tangina.” He laughed bitterly. “I was losing my constant. Hindi ko na alam, Adi.” He screamed in frustration, guilt, ache, and yearning.
The taller reached out to hold his hands. Stopping him from hitting himself again. He keeps on trying to translate his intense feelings through physical actions. Adi held them softly but tight enough so that Francess would not be able to pull them back.
“Hey, look at me.” The driver sought his closed-off gaze.
Francess shook his head, he breathed in and out heavily.
“Adi.” The shorter took all of the courage he could muster. “Adi…” He looked up to meet his eyes. “Ma—” His voice stuttered to his crying. “Mahal kita, Adi.”
Saying it felt like the heavy rock that has been weighing on his chest for so long has been lifted off. Francess saw the light at the end of the tunnel and his sand castle had completely crashed down.
“Mahal kita.” The taller’s eyes grew wide.
Finally.
Adi pulled Francess close to him. He hugged him tight, finally letting his heartstrings feel the relief he has been seeking. He found his clarity, and of course he found it from Francess.
Hinagod ni Adi ang likod ni Francess hanggang huminahon siya. As the passenger’s grip on the other’s shirt loosened, he started pulling back to his seat.
Like always, Adi waited for Francess.
The silence was comfortable. Francess felt like he just woke up from a nightmare. Everything’s clearer to him now and the voices in his head subside.
He feels stable.
Out of nowhere, Mirage suddenly caught Adi’s attention. “Bakit nga si Mirage pinili mo?”
Francess closed the tumbler he was drinking from before saying simply, “Because he’s not the quiet one. He’s quite flashy.”
Adi laughed softly and Francess beamed widely.
“Shit. Pa’no ko babawiin ‘yon?” The shorter said, turning to his left, suddenly remembering his confession.
The taller almost looked offended and disappointed, “No, you can’t. Hindi pwede.” Nagsalubong pa ang kilay.
Francess laughed out loud, a genuine one this time. Adi’s frown immediately melted and laughed with him.
“God, I missed this.” Francess thought to himself. That very same boxy smile with the ever so familiar mole on his chin. How did Francess go through three weeks of not seeing that? He feels so stupid now.
“Hey, what are you thinking?” Adi immediately reached out to smooth out the frown on Francess’ face.
The shorter felt his heart swell, “I feel like fighting myself.” Adi’s hand positioned itself behind his seat.
“I’ll defend you from that ‘myself’. Bakit ka inaaway?” The taller jokingly said.
“I hate myself for taking away that smile.” He said truthfully.
Adi met his gaze with quiet certainty. “I love you.”
Francess rolled his eyes, looking away before drinking water again. “Anong connect?”
“I love you.” The shorter looked back with an eyebrow raised. “Whatever kind of ideas man isipin mo, I love you.” Adi assured.
“Parang tanga, Adi.” But Francess said it with a wide smile.
The boxy smile beamed back, “I waited for too long! You can’t stop me now.” Before reaching out for Francess’ hand. “It’s Fidel.”
“Oh, shut up!” Francess pretended to be annoyed and tried to pull his hand away. Adi put his other hand on top of Francess’ hand.
“Sige na, Klay.” He put his chin on top of their held hands and batted his eyes.
The shorter looks done with his antics, “I love you, Fidel.”
The taller pursed his lips, nodded with closed eyes, “Much better.” Then, he kissed Francess’ ring finger.
Francess took back his hand, “Ang yabang mo na. Maghiwalay na tayo.”
“Ay tayo na?” Adi rebutted in which he received a slap on his forearm and a deathly glare from the other.
Adi laughed before taking Francess’ left hand and intertwining it with his. “Joke lang! Hindi na kita pakakawalan.”
The look on Adi’s smug face was so annoying but the shorter can’t help but be amazed. “May ganiyang side ka pala?” The taller did the pursed-lip nod again. “Dapat tinago mo na lang.”
The driver burst into laughter—eyes screwing shut, lips stretching wide, head snapping back like the force of it was too much to contain.
Everywhere they look, the car speaks for them. It’s a big piece of them, it’s part of who they are.
The car has been with them for years. Nakailang ayos na, minsan ie-expect mo na lang na biglang titirik pero nalaban pa rin. No matter how weathered the car itself or the interior of the car is, it still persists—much like their feelings and friendship. The car receives so much compassion and passion from the both of them as they do to each other. They care so evidently and so subtly at the same time. It carries their history.
The air and the seatbelts were restricted. But once the windows rolled down and they're free from restrictions, the honesty and comfortable atmosphere flew right in.
Mirage—it symbolizes their feelings for each other. In Transformers, Mirage arrives as this sleek, rich, confident, with the air of some kind of arrogance. It's funny that it was placed on Adi's worn-down car, but it's also everything there is. No matter how easy and flashy Mirage is. No matter how obvious it is—Mirage and what they feel—it's always just there. It lingers in the air, they see it shake when the road is rocky—but it's also constant as it is super-glued.
Clay kasi moldable. Kahit na tumigas dahil sa hangin o mas nagiging madumi 'pag nasa sahig. Even moreso, clay, kasi malambot. Adi has always admired Francess' ability to find strength and to ground himself with tenderness and softness. He's strong and molded with love and care.
Even the cat. It symbolizes their emotions and vulnerability. It served as a sign to let down their guards and to let them see one another just like they always do. The cat also ran off once one of the elephants in the car was addressed.
Adi’s phone buzzed. He took it out with his left hand. He read the notification on his lock screen before laughing.
“Sabi ni Simon, kung naitanan na raw ba kita.”
“Tanan? Ano tayo, teenager?” Kunot-noong tanong ni Francess.
The taller snorted, “Hayaan mo na. Gano’n na talaga siya.”
“Torpe ka kasi.” Walang pag-aalinlangang sabi ni Francess.
“Ouch.” Adi acted like he had been shot, putting his right hand on his chest with his eyes closed, effectively pulling Francess with him.
When his eyes opened, he stole a kiss.
“Ad—Fidel!” Francess exclaimed before hitting him with his free hand.
The driver just showcased his boxy smile before asking, “Uwi na tayo?”
“Bwisit ka!” The shorter said under his breath.
The taller laughed again—maybe too loud for a silent night in the middle of the road, but he didn’t care. Their pitches and tones of joy lingered, souvenirs scattered along the path that carried them home as they drove away.
Francess saw it, felt it—what it meant to step into the light and be fully seen. Adi’s eyes stayed on him, transfixed to the sunshine he had finally caught in his arms.
They finally have everything they had been waiting for.