Work Text:
(mood )
It was the first time the group met again after a long while. Funny to think that mostly everyone ended up as pairs. Jungwon and Sunoo were the first couple. Heeseung and Jake had some funny interactions before realizing what they felt for each other. Ni-ki used to be the odd one out since he was the youngest, so it was a surprise when he introduced Kai as his boyfriend.
Sino namang makakalimot kina Jay at Sunghoon? Kulang na lang, maibalita sa TV ang love story nila kahit puro kahihiyan lang naidulot ni Sunghoon. Mula sa pagiging mag-bestfriend hanggang magkasintahan at ngayon, hindi na ata magkakilala. Hindi man magandang alaala, lahat nakakaalala.
"Tara na, tara na! Ako na una kakanta!" Ani ni Jake habang hawak ang mikropono at magsimulang magpindot ng numero sa remote.
Sina Jungwon at Sunoo naman ay nagsimula nang maghanap ng kakantahin nila sa songbook. Busy naman sina Ni-ki at Kai na maghanda ng lamesa para sa kanilang inumin at kakainin.
"Ako na dito, tabihan mo muna si Kuya Hoon mo." Suhestiyon ni Ni-ki kay Kai.
Napailing muna si Kai bago lumingon sa kanyang kuya. Halata sa nakababata na kinakabahan siya sa mga planong gawin ng kapatid. "Sabi ko na sa kanya, 'wag nang pumunta. Parang gusto na tuloy umuwi ni Kuya Jay."
Heeseung went out of the kitchen holding his phone up. "Babe may natawag sayo, sagutin mo muna 'to."
"AAAA," sigaw ni Jake bago kunin ang phone mula sa kamay ni Heeseung. Nakatapat pa naman sa kanyang bibig ang mic kaya halos nabingi na ang kanyang mga kaibigan. Nabato pa siya ng unan ni Sunoo. "Nakanta pa ako babe, eh!"
Nakitawa si Sunghoon sa mga magkakaibigan. Na-miss niya ang ganitong uri ng pag-iipon sapagkat matagal din siyang nawala. Pero sa totoo lang, may iba talaga siyang pakay. Naalala niya ang mga pasabi ng kanyang nakakabatang kapatid na huwag nang ituloy ang kanyang mga plano. Kai told him it was not the right place and not the right time, and he might ruin the day for the others, too.
Sunghoon shifted on the couch, his gaze flickering towards Jay.
Jayy was seated across the room, quiet as ever, one arm resting on one of the couch's armrests as he was staring at the fun time their friends were having. He was just as handsome as Sunghoon remembered.
It's time, I'm ready now. Sabi ni Sunghoon sa kanyang sarili.
Tumayo si Sunghoon at sumubok tumabi kay Jay.
Hindi naman manhid si Jay para hindi ito mapansin kaya siya ay umayos ng upo. Agad na rin silang pinagtinginan ng kanilang mga kaibigan na lahat ay hindi halos makahinga sa kanilang pinagmamasdan.
"Jay, ayaw mo pa rin akong kausapin?" ang paunang tanong ni Sunghoon bago unti-unting magunaw ang mundo.
Jay stood up, an action that made everyone silent. Pinagtinginan siya ng lahat ng nasa kwarto. Ni-ki was considerate enough to stop the music that was playing, making a full shift of the mood in the room.
Nanatiling nakatindig si Jay, sinusubukang itago ang di mapakaling mga kamay sa kanyang mga bulsa.
Jay might just be staring blankly on the floor but the people in room are aware that something is about to break.
Sunghoon, who followed next to Jay, hesitated in speaking. He could see how the afternoon sunlight that penetrated through the window failed in masking the redness on the supposed tanned skin of Jay.
“Jay, you’ve changed.” Sunghoon broke the silence. This statement alone blew up all the remaining hope in their friends’ minds. It was a bad move on Sunghoon's end. “Hindi na yan yung Jay na nakilala ko.”
Bumuka na ang bibig ni Heeseung ngunit pinigilan siya ni Jake. Akma na ring tatayo si Sunoo pero sa paghila ni Jungwon, alam niyang wala rin siya magagawa.
Ni-ki and Kai looked at each other, aware of the confrontation about to happen. Kai wrapped his arms around Ni-ki. Kai always knew his older brother, Sunghoon, was destined to face this himself and that Jay have suffered so much already.
Jay let out a chuckle, the kind that was breathless. The sound was empty, but the echo bounced loudly on the walls.
“Yung Jay na nakilala mo?”
Even Jay could not believe that this encounter would happen this soon. He looked up as the words begging to be said were starting to taste bitter in his throat.
“That’s funny, Hoon.”
Sunghoon's remaining facade faded. He took a step forward, reaching the other man physically and emotionally, just anything to grasp, but Jay remained unmoved. No flinching, no reaction.
“Naiintindihan mo ako dati.” Sunghoon continued but his voice was now dry, and the surrounding silence was not helping at all. “You used to listen no matter --”
“And now I don’t?” Jay interrupted finally fully gazing eye to eye with Sunghoon, his eyes red and unreadable. His posture stiffened and fists clenched, a sign of a man still holding up the remaining walls that refuse to crumble. “I used to listen to you no matter what? Na ibibigay kahit anong hingiin mo? Tama?”
The afternoon light shifted once more, emphasizing the gleam of the unshed tears on Jay's eyes, making Sunghoon’s stomach churn.
Sunghoon swallowed whatever was constricting in his throat, losing to the way Jay said every word.
“Parang ginusto ko ‘to, Hoon?!
“You’re acting like I wanted to be this way.”
Tuluyan na ngang tumulo ang mga luha sa mata ng binatang matagal nang nagtitimpi. Matagal nang sumusubok makalimot. Matagal nang nahihirapang makausad.
“Sa tingin mo ba, isang araw nagising na lang akong gusto ko baguhin ang lahat? Ganun kadali?
“Isang iglap, maiisipan ko na lang tanggapin na wala na ako magagawa? Na simula pa lang talo naman talaga ako pero pinilit ko na lang.”
Dama sa boses ni Jay na gustong-gusto na niyang ibuhos ang lahat ng kanyang nararamdaman. Kahit sino mang makakita. Kahit sino mang makarinig. Dahil ikamamatay ng kanyang puso na magtiis pa.
“No?!?! The truth is ---
"This is the result of everything you've done to me.
“I changed because you made me believe like I had to.”
The last statement was charged with controlled rage, an attack that was held back. Because deep inside, Jay chose not to hurt Sunghoon in any way possible.
Yet, that sentence took all the air from Sunghoon’s lungs. He opened his mouth to say something, but not a single thought came out.
“I had to change kasi walang magmamahal sa’kin nang totoo kung ganon lang ako.
“You didn’t love me when I was the ‘Jay’ you knew.”
The silence that followed was deafening.
“You keep saying I’m not the person you knew.” Patuloy ni Jay kahit nanginginig na ang kanyang boses.
"Pero anong silbi ng kung sino ako sa nakaraan, kung ni minsan hindi mo naman ako minahal noong ako pa ‘yun?"
Nanlumo si Sunghoon sa kanyang mga narinig, ramdam sa bigat ng kanyang sikmura. Hindi niya kayang depensahan ang kanyang sarili, kahit anong palusot man ang kanyang isipin.
Hindi na galit ang nasa boses ni Jay, pagod na. Pagod ng isang taong matagal nang ibinuhos ang lahat, pero hindi man lang nakita o napansin. Hanggang sa wala na.
Sa katahimikan ng paligid, paghikbi na lamang ni Jay ang naririnig.
“I tried, Hoon. Putangina.
“Sinubukan kong maging enough para sa’yo, kahit below minimum lang yung maibawi mo sakin. Basta meron, masaya na ako.
“Binigay ko naman lahat?" Sa puntong ito ay nangangatal sa kanyang pananalita si Jay. Sa kanyang tono ay wari bang wala na rin siyang tiwala sa sarili.
“Kahit hindi sakin, pinilit ko kunin, maiabot lang sa’yo.
“Pati sa mga kasinungalingan mo naniwala ako. Nagsinungaling na nga rin ako, niloko ko pati pamilya mo, just to keep your image clean to them.
“Alam niyong lahat naman diba?”
At this moment, Jay looked at their friends.
“Ilang beses niyo ako sinabihan? Ilang pictures, ilang screenshots kailangan niyong ipakita?”
Agad na bumaling ulit ng tingin si Jay kay Sunghoon.
“Hindi ako nakinig, hindi ako ako naniwala. Kasi kung totoo man, kahit makihati na lang ako.”
“Jay, I’m sorry.” Sunghoon tearfully tried reaching to Jay again, but the other guy refused to be touched, to yield.
Jay didn’t have to say it, but it was obvious. He loved someone with everything he had, only to realize he won’t be loved the same way, even at the least amount possible. And worse, his love was taken advantage of.
Jay turned back, catching his breath and pulling his own hair.
“Why am I even saying all of this? It’s not like it matters now, right? Hoon?”
Jay’s voice cracked at the mention of Sunghoon's name and that’s what made Sunghoon's heart almost stop beating.
Sunghoon was here to ask forgiveness, to try bring everything back.
But Jay had given up.
Jay was not anymore burning in rage, not anymore attempting to make Sunghoon feel guilty.
Jay was done.
“Still, after all that happened, I will be apologizing.
“I’m sorry, Hoon.
“Hindi ko na kaya.
“Kahit mahal pa rin kita, wala na akong kayang ibigay.”
The wave of realization, accompanied by the slamming of the door, hit Sunghoon so agonizingly slow it made him weak to his knees.
Because all this time, he thought coming back will fix everything. He thought that Jay was still the same Jay he knew.
Sunghoon's fault was thinking this story was his --- and that Jay was just a willing participant. A chapter he can re-read once he was at ease.
But now, standing in the middle of an audience, he viewed the ruins of something that was meant to be protected, of someone with their own conflicts and perspective.
Jay was living his own story that Sunghoon never bothered to read.
For one last time, Sunghoon wanted to steal a hug. He wanted to embrace Jay and just let this fever go down. But instead, he was taken up by the arms of his friends who kept him from falling down as he was now crying and screaming nonstop.
Because Jay already left, and Sunghoon wasted the last chance he was given.
“Jay, please come back!” Sunghoon kept crying, shouting. “I’m sorry!”
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jay and hoon.
end.