Chapter Text
Ben’s forehead is cool where it’s pressed up against the window of his Dad’s car. Gray eyes watch the scenery go by, not really following any of the constantly changing houses or noting how they get bigger the more they drive. It’s quiet and loud at the same time, a song on repeat going in one earbud and out the other as his Father occasionally tries to start a conversation. After realizing he can’t see what Ben typed in response while keeping an eye on the road at the same time, any attempts at talking die pretty quick.
It doesn’t feel like the old family road trips they used to take to Aunt Jessica and Uncle Daniel’s house. His Mom would always start the most ridiculous songs to sing, humming under her breath until Lily decided to join in by screaming at the top of her lungs. They often did “the wheels on the bus” because they knew how much it annoyed their Dad since he would always argue they weren’t actually in a bus. Ben never understood how his father had the patience to put up with their antics for hours. Sometimes Ben was forced to join when his phone died, but even then he would usually keep his headphones in and pretend to be asleep.
It never worked for long because Lily would get bored and shake him awake. Mom would tell them to count how many billboards with annoying slogans they saw going by to pass the time. Ben would join in every now and then just so Lily didn’t get a point. His Mom always won, since she was in the front seat. Eventually his little sister would get bored enough to lie and say she had to go to the bathroom and they would pullover at some gas station. Only for Lily to plant her heels in the ground and refuse to leave without snacks. Ben would stay in the car to get what semblance of peace he could, but his Mom always brought along a souvenir or his favorite snack.
Ben remembered getting odd looks in the hallway, keychains clattering together with sparkly stuffed animals, or whatever ridiculous thing had been attached to his backpack while he wasn’t looking. He’d never be ashamed of gifts his family had gotten him, no matter how silly. Ben had marched through the halls like Lily’s bunny pin collection was a badge of honor, almost taking satisfaction in the dumbfounded gazes of his classmates.
But those turned into stares.
And when he went into the music room just to try and get out whatever song was stuck in his head, they turned to whispers that avoided eye contact. Those occurrences turned into hushed conversations that turned into jeers that became notes of insults thrown at the back of his head, that turned into bruises, that turned into fights, that turned into bloody knuckles and black eyes and a hospital and the smell of smoke from just down the street—
“Here we are,” His Dad says abruptly, startling Ben out of his spiral as he puts the car in park. After taking a deep breath that doesn’t smell like smoke as he undoes his seatbelt. The car door slams shut with a thud as Ben untangles his earbuds, undoing the knots he had made. His unsteady feet are a bit numb from the car ride, his Dad already coming around with his suitcase. It still smells new, no broken left wheel that drags on the asphalt. Lily had stuck butterfly stickers on them. She picked it out since Ben had insisted he didn’t need to take one with him.
He didn’t deserve to take anything with him. Not after he was the reason they lost everything in the first place.
Dad shuffles in place for a minute, scratching the back of his neck like he always does when he’s nervous. His beard is disheveled like he hasn’t shaved in days, opening and closing his mouth like he doesn’t know what to say. Ben takes the first steps up to the front door, not waiting for his father to ring the doorbell. It’s a nice house, even though his aunt and uncle only use it for the summer. It’s in good condition, windchimes echoing in the breeze above a porch swing. It’s just like the one they used to have at their old house, but the chains aren’t as loud where it drifts, empty, metal screeching in the wind.
“We’re gonna get another one of those,” Dad says with a smile, noticing where Ben’s gaze had wandered. “You and Lily can swing on it again like you used to…! The old one was, uh, rusty anyway. We would have had to replace it eventually…”
Ben stares at his shoes. They hadn’t managed to scrub off all the soot, yet. The charcoal stains the pristine door rug with ‘welcome’ in large cursive letters.
“I’m not supposed to tell you, but your Mom and Lily have a little challenge going… Who can get the funniest welcome home mat? They can’t wait to show you which one they picked. I’m sure they’d love to hear you laugh… I would too…” His Dad continues when Ben doesn’t say anything, voice going a little shaky as he continues to ramble. “You don’t have to feel bad about the house, you know… Old one was practically falling apart, even before everything. Remember how gross the bathroom leak was? You, Lily and I shoveling out the water when it started overflowing while your Mom called a plumber? We used those old sandcastle buckets.”
His Dad chokes up in the silence, gently holding Ben’s shoulders and kneeling down to look him in the eye. There are still bandages around his hands. It’s wrong. His Dad had always been skilled with whatever tools they had lying around– He was always too careful and too precise with his work to get a single cut on his finger. Ben wondered if the burns would scar. “Ben, please… Would you just talk to me? Just a little?”
With hunched shoulders Ben curls into himself, still not looking directly into his father’s eyes. He knows what he’ll see–tears caught in his Dad’s beard with misty eyes and a creased brow, wanting nothing more than to help someone who doesn’t deserve it. Hands already in his pockets, Ben takes out his phone to type. The weight of his Dad’s palms wrap around his own, putting the phone down before he even has a chance.
“Not like that, just…Can you just… say goodbye? Just this once?”
Ben opens his mouth and closes it, jaw snapping shut as he grits his teeth. It feels like he swallowed acid, eating away at the inside of his throat. There’s still a ring of fire around his neck, not letting him utter a single word. They both know he’s able to talk. The doctors said so. Voicebox, pharynx, throat, all of it is healed . The only thing left is a yellow necklace of bruises, fading more by the day, the only proof of what had happened.
Ben should say something. He should be able to say something, anything, to his Dad. It’s the goodbye he deserves. But Ben can’t help but think none of this is right. It will never be right again. His Dad will never hold him with unmarred hands again and it’s all Ben’s fault. Lily is never going to hug that unicorn stuffed animal she’s had since she was born and it’s all his fault. Mom is never going to hang those vintage photos she’s had in her family for generations over the mantle again and it’s all his fault .
Neither of them are going to get the goodbye they want and it’s all Ben’s fault. Nothing is going to go back to the way it was and there’s nothing either of them can do about it.
The door opens abruptly and Ben is grateful for something to focus on that’s not his Dad’s bandaged hands on his shoulders. Aiden is taller than when Ben had last seen him, but still shorter than Ben. His dark hair is longer, like he hasn’t cut it in a while, unmaintained and tangled. Aiden’s face lights up for a moment despite the bags under his eyes.
“Took you long enough! I thought you’d never get back from that meet–” Aiden cuts himself off as his eyes land on them. Ben can tell he tries to hide his disappointment, but he doesn’t quite manage to keep his face from falling.
“It’s good to see you, Aiden,” His Dad says by way of greeting with his own pained smile. “Are either of your parents home?”
“Nope,” Aiden responds with a pop, leaning back to open the door wider. “Just little old me. They got called in last minute for some conference.”
“Ah, of course…” His Dad says awkwardly, standing by the door frame and dropping his hands like he doesn’t know what to do with them. “I’m sure they– or you, must be busy, but, uh, do you know when they’ll be back?”
“Not a clue. With their track record? Not for a while. I wouldn’t wait for them.” Aiden mutters with a shrug. Ben can tell it is meant to be casual, but he’s just a bit too stiff to pull it off.
“Will… the two of you be alright, here? On your own?” His Dad insists, looking down the hallways anxiously as if Aiden’s parents will suddenly appear.
“Oh please, I’ve managed not to burn the place down this long, haven’t I–” Aiden seems to realize that wasn’t the best way to word things, a guilty expression overtaking his face as Ben’s Dad only grimaces.
Ben manages to hide a wince as his Dad once again turns his full attention to him. “I know it’s a new place, and a new environment, and new… well everything… but try to be patient with Aiden. It’s a new house for him too, remember? You can learn to adjust together.”
Aiden looks away awkwardly, smile dropping for the first time since they came as his Dad talks about him like he isn’t even there. Ben nods and manages to spare a few seconds of direct eye contact before glancing around again. His Dad leaves his arms open for a hug to which Ben leans as much as he will allow himself into his side before nodding and following Aiden through the door. His Father doesn’t quite wipe the disappointment from his face as he waves goodbye, turning back to the car. He doesn’t turn around as Ben watches from the window, barely registering that Aiden had closed the door behind them.