Chapter Text
“Yo! Thor!” Volstagg called as he turned his great bulk around to look for his friend in the crowd of weary but jubilant warriors around him. “Where are you?! The mead is calling to us! And so are the young maidens! We do not want to disappoint either one, for they both are so tempting and willing! And the mead is growing staler by the moment! And the maidens are growing older without knowing the sweetness of our kisses!” He roared with laughter at his own wittiness and was joined in by those standing nearest to him. Then Volstagg looked around again. “Now where has he gotten to?” he demanded of his closest friends. "Generally, he is the first one in the door."
“He was here just a moment ago,” Fandral answered as he and Hogun searched also for Thor in the milling crowd of warriors around them.
Meanwhile Thor was just out of sight and trying not to be spotted. He was anxious to get this task completed quickly so that he could join his friends who were calling to him. But first he had to see to something that had gotten to be a mild irritation and a minor detail that he wanted to be rid of as soon as possible. “Go back to the castle, Loki,” he hissed with a scowl at the youth in front of him. “You are too young to go into the tavern with us.”
“I am old enough to slay an enemy, am I not? Then I am old enough to drink with the rest of the other heroes I fought beside today. I believe that I have earned that honor and privilege as well as any other man here,” he said logically and a slightly inflated chest as he bragged.
"Killing someone does not make you a hero or a man, only lucky," Thor informed him.
"I have lain with a woman!" Loki challenged with snapping eyes and a further inflated chest.
Thor smirked. "Old Dagny who works in the palace laundry? But she has everyone. It is a point of pride with her to break in as many young guys as she can entice to her lair under the rafters. When she had me, I had to pull straw out of my ass for a week. She may be old, but that woman can really rut."
Loki looked deflated, and Thor felt a little sympathy.
“Look, it will be your ass and mine if you get drunk or contract a venereal disease this evening. Father will disapprove, but Mother will kick our asses out to the Western Sea and back again while allowing all of the Asgardian citizenry to jeer at us as she administers her form of justice. As far as I am concerned, that is too much of a punishment just so you can act like one of the ‘guys’ with us this evening.”
“Mother does not need to know, if you do not tell her.”
“Mother would find out anyway! Father has his pet ravens and Heimdall to tell him what is going on in Asgard, but Mother has a woman’s intuition! She would find out! I am not messing with that! Not even for you! I do not care how justified or entitled that you believe that you are!”
“I saved your life in battle today,” Loki reminded him. "You would be lying cold and dead right now if not for me."
“And I saved yours, too, if you recall. Loki, it was not a contest to see who the better brother is. We were soldiers on the same side with the same common goal of making certain that our side won. Nothing more than that.”
“I am beginning to understand that. And now we should celebrate together as soldiers on the same side with the same common goal, as you are prepared to do with our other comrades in arms,” Loki summed up logically.
"Do not mock me!" Thor rumbled, and answering thunder rolled across the evening sky much to the puzzlement of Asgardians who noted that there was barely a cloud present to account for it.
"That is not my intention, Thor. I simply wish to be included in a celebration for something that I helped to win."
"Well, you cannot be, and that is that," Thor declared and hoped that his firm tones would convince Loki that there should be no further discussion on the matter.
But Loki did not wish to be shoved aside so easily. “Why do you wish to exclude me from something I have every right to attend? Was not risking my life good enough to entitle me to be in your esteemed company now?”
“The only difference is that I want to celebrate with them,” Thor admitted truthfully but brutally. He did not like to be so abrupt, but Loki had not accepted the social lie gracefully, so now he had to suffer the consequences.
Loki looked like he'd been slapped across his face when he hadn't been expecting such a harsh blow. "And that is your final word on the subject?" he asked hollowly. "You do not wish to be in my company?"
"That is my final word," Thor forced himself to say. He did not intend to sound so gruff, but he was tired of this argument. Loki needed to obey him, and immediately. "Now go back to the palace without further argument. This is not the place for you."
It sounded harsh to even him, but Loki was beginning to get on his nerves. Thor's famous temper was beginning to simmer too. At any moment it might explode, and then Thor might say words that even he might regret uttering. But Loki had a way of needling him until nothing would hold back what he was thinking. And that was exactly what had happened this time.
Loki blinked, and Thor realized that he had really hurt him. He hadn’t meant to do that. But, norns! He wanted his own space! And sometimes that did not include a little brother tagging along! He knew that Loki was no longer the youth that he accused him of being, but it was a handy excuse. Loki should just accept it!
“Look, I, ah….” Thor started with a stammer. Then he drew himself up. “It is best that you go back to the palace now,” he advised stiffly.
“Of… course,” Loki stammered back, looking confused and lost. “That would be for the best. I need to answer that letter to Galileo anyway about his position concerning the scientific method in general and astronomy in particular.”
Thor thought that Loki was quite pretentious with his correspondence with the greats of history when he discussed with them the theories that they had advanced and were now famous for doing. But Thor decided that he had probably leveled one brutal truth already to Loki this evening. There was probably no reason to deflate Loki any further.
“Galileo wants to know how I feel on the subjects,” Loki maintained stiffly as he saw the coldness on Thor’s face and understood that Thor was thinking that Loki’s letter was probably more fan mail than a missive between two equals trading ideas.
“Of course he does,” Thor muttered. It sounded fake to even him, and he knew that he had not fooled Loki one bit.
“Right,” Loki said businesslike. “I will see you back at the palace. Have a good evening.” He turned away.
“Loki. Wait.”
Dare Loki hope that Thor had changed his mind about including him in the evening’s festivities?
“Yes?” Loki asked breathlessly as he turned back to Thor.
“Thank you for, ah, saving my life today,” Thor mumbled, hoping to soothe the friction he could feel between them. "I appreciate it."
“You saved mine, too,” he reminded Thor. “So, thank you for that, too.”
Thor nodded numbly but let Loki go after that and turned toward the tavern and his calling companions.
"Where is Loki?" Loki heard Fandral ask Thor. "I thought that he was coming with us."
"He had some correspondence that he wished to finish," Thor said as he brushed the subject of Loki out of the way. "Now, where is that mead that I heard is getting staler and the maidens who are getting older? We cannot allow either to happen and still call ourselves Northmen!"
Whatever the response was to his inquiry was lost in a roar of cheering voices and happy laughter as the celebrating Thor and the Warriors Three entered the tavern to join the rest of their rowdy party.
And Loki was left outside to stare at the lights blazing and to listen to the racquous noise blasting from the tavern, a place he had been forbidden to enter by the older brother he adored with all of his heart.
But he turned away from where he longed to be and headed toward a place where he was at least still accepted.
Where had it all changed, Loki wondered as he trudged by himself in the semi-darkness toward the beautiful Asgardian palace shimmering in the growing dusk. He and Thor had been such good companions as children. Loki had looked up to his older brother and had followed his lead wherever their adventures had taken them. Thor had wanted Loki’s society then.
But that was all in the dim past now, Loki figured, and life would never be the same again for them. And Loki wished with all his might that it all would be otherwise.
All that Loki Odinson had ever wanted was to be the equal of his older brother Thor. Before that, though, all he had wanted was to remain Thor's constant boon companion. That was what they had grown up being, and it was very easy for them to do that since they wanted to copy whatever their father Odin had told them of his adventures and daring feats. But as happens with a lot of older children as they mature, they yearn to seek the company of their contemporaries and tend to ignore their younger siblings. In fact, the older child can seem almost embarrassed by the presence of his younger brother. And that is what happened with Thor. Loki became extra baggage and almost a liability to Thor, and Thor openly sought ways to exclude Loki from his exploits.
Oh, it didn’t happen at first. Loki gained acceptance with Thor’s new friends because he was of the royal household. And Thor was such an amiable and charismatic person that everyone went along with whatever he said. And Thor implied with his very demeanor that his younger brother, the boon companion of his youth, was more than welcome to tag along with his new friends as they sought out new adventures as all young and spunky youths do in their heady salad days.
But as time went by, Loki’s place in the group and indeed his very relationship with Thor began to undergo subtle changes that were meant to put distance between them. Indeed, Thor had thought that Loki would gradually drift away from their group and find his own friends. But that didn’t seem to be happening anytime soon, and Thor caught himself hoping that it would.
At other times, Thor thought fondly of his dream that Loki would fight by his side forever. The Odinson Brothers! Together and invincible! Perhaps part of what went wrong was that he (and probably Loki) had never considered that Thor would be fighting at Loki’s side, or, probably better yet, that they would be fighting side by side. Thor, as elder brother and Odin's heir would be leading the charge, and Loki would be following behind Thor with the rest of Thor's inner circle. And it was because of a lot of these subtle ways of looking at things that the situation between Loki and Thor began to change.
As the days progressed into years and their beards thickened and their voices deepened, the young warriors matured, and their lives began to take on the patterns that they would keep as adults. It was then that Thor began more and more to be annoyed by Loki's desire to be a part of Thor's world, especially when it involved activities with Thor's circle of friends. That's when Loki seemed to be the most persistent and underfoot. Thor tried to lose Loki and avoid his company, but Loki was very skillful at including himself. He was like an animated version of Thor's shadow, always present and never far away from him.
Then one late afternoon Thor, Loki, and the Warriors Three were returning after hunting wild boar in the marshlands when they stopped their weary mounts in front of the stables. It had been a long afternoon, and most of the hunting party were tired and ready for a hearty supper and some mead drinking and female chasing down at a local tavern.
But Loki was trying to act as if he was alert and ready for more action. He dismounted agilely and prepared to be as helpful as possible to his fellow companions. He was tired also, but he did not wish to be accused of not being cooperative. He was willing to do about anything to be included with the group's activities, even to being their lackey.
But Loki's willingness to ingratiate himself today was too much for Thor. Perhaps if Thor had not been so tired, he might not have acted as he did. Or perhaps Loki's efforts were just one time too many, and that put Thor over the edge. Whatever the reason, Thor could feel his lightning temper twitching, and he acted before he had actually thought his actions through.
“Here,” Thor ordered offhandedly as he dismounted. “Make yourself useful as well as beautiful!" He ordered as he would address a stableboy. "Tend to my trusty steed like a good lad.” He tossed his horse’s reins toward Loki with a seeming carelessness.
The hangers-on around Thor laughed as expected then quieted as they heard Loki gasp. The onlookers saw a line of blood appear just at the corner of Loki’s mouth. The horse’s reins had apparently struck Loki in the face, and the companions wondered how Thor would react to actually hurting Loki. He was a reckless sort trying to get his freedom from his tag-along brother. He was at that age, and such actions by him would be perfectly understandable. But everyone also knew that Thor loved that same pest of a brother beyond reason and would not ever allow anything really bad to happen to him. At least, Thor had always reacted that way, up until now. This might be the turning of the tide.
Thor was trying to decide how to proceed. For starters, he frowned when he saw what his rash actions had caused to happen. He had not intended to wound Loki, just maybe to discourage him from trailing along by embarrassing him. A nice disappearance by the younger prince would have been perfect. And now this.
Norns! He must see to this! This was just the sort of thing that could not be ignored. There would be talk otherwise, and he would not be seen in a good light. After all, someday he would be King of Asgard, and he must be known as a wise and just person just as his father was.
"Wait!" Thor ordered, and Loki froze. Thor reached Loki’s side in two earth-eating strides and stared down at the obvious and unexpected wound that had surprised Loki. “Are all of your teeth intact?" he questioned. That was the worst injury that Thor could imagine that he had caused Loki. He hoped that he had not knocked out or loosened one or more of Loki's teeth. If he had, that would be a shame. Because Loki was good looking which was a blessing. Because Loki might have to get along in life with his charm and beauty. They were advantages that certainly could come in handy for a second son to have.
Loki moved his tongue around inside his mouth, then shook his head.
Thor felt relief but tried not to let his friends or Loki see it. Now to take the sting out of this misadventure. "Will you live then?” he questioned Loki. Behind him, Thor could hear his friends laughing in relief as expected. And as they did so, Thor realized that his inquiry must have sounded more like an impatient bark than something decent and sincere.
Loki raised his head. “It will be fine,” he answered, as he knew he must. After all, he was a young man and not a quivering child, even if his lower face was hurting from the sting of the leather rein striking it and especially from the smarting when the delicate skin had torn slightly. And the pain that hurt him the most of all came from the knowledge that it had been Thor who had struck him.
Later, Loki stood looking at himself in the mirror in his room. He did not even need to catch the right angle for the bruise at the corner of his mouth to show up with blazing clarity against his fair, delicate skin. Despite the dim light in the bedroom, the bruise was still evident, and quite prominent. It looked like it was very painful and went very deep into the flesh.
Good!
Let it be an emblem for what he had suffered!
Let all the world see how his unfeeling brother had maimed him in hopes of probably crippling him for life!
Of course, Thor had meant no such thing. He would have blanched and felt weak at the knees at the very thought of actually harming his brother, especially if it meant that Loki would be crippled or disfigured for the rest of his life. Like most older siblings, he had just wanted Loki to make himself scarce so Thor could be with his peer group. There would be other times, special times, when only Loki and no one else would be wanted, and needed, and included by Thor. But this had not been one of those times, and an unfortunate accident had occurred. And Loki had been grievously injured unintentionally. But all that it had been was an unfortunate accident, though, and nothing more.
But why let the truth get in the road of a good story? Better yet, it would be a wonderful accusation against the bully that Thor could be. And Thor could be a bully. Loki had had ample knowledge and experience of that fact down through the years. Had he not grown up with someone who had seemed larger than life even as a child? So, for many occasions, it had seemed as if Thor had deliberately shunned his brother.
Of course, Loki was partially responsible for all of that, too, just as he had been today. If he hadn't been present, he would not have been in harm's way. But that was where Loki had always wanted to be-- somewhere as close as possible to Thor. So, was it any wonder when he sometimes suffered the consequences of being in the road? After all, if he wouldn’t have been trying to ingratiate himself into Thor’s group again, he wouldn’t have been subject to being injured.
But why let that truth get in the road of what Loki wanted to accomplish, either.
For the simple truth was that Loki wanted inclusion into Thor’s world. Not only that, he also wanted to be looked up to by Thor’s group of friends. And more than that, he wanted to be sought out to be a part of that special gathering of heroes. He wanted to be one of them! And if his wildest dreams could come true, he would be the leader of them! As always, if Thor could be, why not him?
Why not him indeed?!
Loki threw back his head and allowed his eyelids to descend until they halfway shaded his beautiful blue-green eyes.
Of course, being included and being sought after for his companionship with their group were perks that more than likely would not be extended to Loki. Just look at how miserably his endeavors had resulted today. It was enough to make a lesser person lose heart.
But Loki was not a lesser person. And there was always tomorrow!
A soft knock came to his door, and Loki turned to the sound with satisfaction on his face.
Ah! That would be Mother, Loki thought. And right on schedule. She had probably noticed how quiet and morose he had been at dinner this evening. It probably had not missed her notice either that he had barely pecked at his food. In fact, Loki had barely paid any attention to it despite an afternoon of brisk exercise in the sunshine and the tempting food on the table. But Loki had not been able to summons up enough energy into pretending that everything was all right with him when it certainly had not been. And when the slightest opportunity arrived for him to slip away from the dining room table as quietly as possible, he had done so.
But his early absence and obvious abstinence could not have gone undetected. And it probably hadn't. Not by Frigga who missed few things unless that was her intention to do so. And now she had come to offer sustenance to Loki so that he would have the energy to make it through the coming night. It would not take much for him: a bit of drying bread and cheese, a morsel of the poached chicken breast and roasted root veg, a scrap of the cherry tart that he loved so much but could not force more than a few sparse crumbs past his lips that evening. He had known that she had to have noticed his abstinence from such fortifying food as had been spread before him and had probably wondered about his bodily condition when he had failed to nourish it properly. He had not meant to worry her so, but it was gratifying to know that someone still cared enough about his wellbeing to see that he was offered some nourishment so that he might rest comfortably on a full stomach and have the energy to face the coming morrow.
That beast of a brother of his had not even bothered showing up for the evening meal. Probably still out with his so-called... friends. Those beasts! They occupied so much of Thor's time these days! Poor Mother! Such trials she faces with her puzzling children. One morose son and one absent one! Loki decided that he would be certain to make her efforts toward him rewarding to her now for coming to see how he fared.
"Come," he said weakly but courageously as he tried to assume the proper, hangdog attitude that would go straight to Frigga's loving heart. He hoped she realized the effort he was making even to seeing company at this late hour. But she was, after all, the woman who had raised him and one of the two people he loved most in the world. He would have liked to have included Odin as an elegant third in that exclusive list after Frigga and Thor, but Loki never knew Odin's real intentions or feelings toward him. He wished he could believe that Odin loved him unconditionally as the other two did, but Loki had his doubts. He thought that Odin had other agendas in mind that he might use with him someday. Odin after all was calculating. He hadn't gotten to be head of the gods lightly.
Loki twisted his shoulders slightly, lifted his head regally, and cleared his throat softly as he composed himself to receive his late-night visitor. But when his door opened to reveal Thor standing in it instead of Frigga, Loki's lips parted a fraction of an inch in surprise, and his eyes narrowed slightly in suspicion. Why had Thor come? Then Loki squared his shoulders again as he quickly tried to cover his amazement.
"Thor," he greeted amiably but also airily. "What a pleasant surprise." He deliberately did not keep the irony out of his voice in hopes that it would be noticed.
It was. Thor's eyes narrowed too as he registered the slight.
"I figured it would be," Thor muttered. "A surprise. Only you can say if it is pleasant or not."
"And only time can tell if it will remain pleasant or not," Loki pronounced in his best breathless voice as if he was proclaiming some great platitude-- which, knowing Loki, he felt as if he was.
"That it will," Thor agreed. He displayed his best tight-lipped smile that had no humor in it but a lot of irony behind it also. It showed his aversion to the word games that Loki chose to play with him. Because all that Thor preferred were straight-forward conversations that showed men how they really stood with each other and not this silly exchange of phrases that said one thing but probably meant something else entirely to Loki.
So Thor decided not to play. Instead, he assumed a businesslike pose and entered Loki's room to set some articles on a table just inside the door. "Mother sent some refreshment for you. She was worried about your condition at dinner. I said that I would bring the food along and save her the trip since your room is just across from mine."
"That was thoughtful of her," Loki murmured haughtily, in control again. "Under the circumstances...." He allowed his thin voice to trail off unenthusiastically so that Thor could fill in the particulars and come to his own conclusions for himself.
And of course Thor did. And they weren't good.
Thor looked at him sharply. "Was she justified with her concern? Are you not faring well this evening?"
The questions startled Loki but not as much as that little quiver of uncertainty that Loki had glimpsed in Thor's quick glance. And what Loki saw betrayed in Thor's vigilant eyes went straight to Loki's hopeful heart. Thor was actually worried about him, even if he did not want Loki to know about it.
Save Mother the trip indeed! How handy of an excuse if Thor was really concerned about him!
But Loki vowed not to let on that he might suspect Thor of twisting the truth a little. It was kind of sweet if Thor had done that!
"Nothing that a good night's rest will not alleviate," Loki answered, ever the great sufferer. "And time, of course. Time is always a great healer." Oh, the martyr! So brave! So noble!
"Just how severely were you injured with those reins this afternoon?" Thor demanded in a firm voice and a furrowed brow, and Loki did not know if it was anger or concern that had fueled the inquiry.
"Nothing that a good night's rest will not--" Loki began to repeat.
With three quick strides, Thor was across the room and grabbing Loki by the shoulders with his punishing hands. His bent fingers dug into yielding flesh, and he saw the unguarded winch of pain and heard the soft grunt of surprise from Loki that resulted. But Loki's suffering reaction only seemed to fuel Thor's anger as he dug his fingers in deeper.
"Answer me, damn you!" Thor thundered, and the answering peal of thunder across the night sky caused more than one citizen of Asgard to wonder about its source since the evening had thus far been a clear one. They had no idea that their God of Thunder was behaving badly, but is that not the way of wild storms? So it can be also with a young god who has not learned to govern his passions completely.
Thor's response gave Loki reason to question his own teasing behavior. Thor was a big guy with a quick temper. He might do physical harm to someone before he could bring himself under control, even if he did not really mean to cause harm and would regret his actions later. But that would not help the other person who would have to recuperate from Thor's fit of anger and physical revenge.
The panic in Loki's eyes betrayed him in spite of his resolve to do otherwise. That Loki had physical fear of him and did not trust him angered Thor further, but he managed not to react in kind. Instead, he released Loki's shoulders with disgust and grabbed Loki's chin roughly in his right hand. His left hand shot up to its accustomed spot on the right side of Loki's neck with his thumb planted firmly in front of Loki's right ear.
With his own mouth set in grim lines and his eyes narrowed and blazing, Thor twisted Loki's chin back and forth in the light so that he could see the marks that the horse's reins had left. All he could see were some slight traces of purple lines, soft as cotton down and light colored as blueberries in an English dell. How anything that slight could still hurt puzzled Thor, but he had to remember that different people had different thresholds of pain. What might seem inconsequential to him might overwhelm someone else.
And then there had been Loki's obvious psychological pain. The blow to Loki's face must have stung Loki to his very core... seeing as it had come from someone whom he thought that he could trust.
Thor had not meant such a blow! He had not meant to crush Loki's heart by denying him! And he certainly had not intended to forfeit Loki's trust of him!
But he could not let Loki know that! So, he released Loki and pushed him away with a mighty shove to arm's length but continued to stand close to him.
"You will live," he pronounced. "As all scoundrels do. You are too wily not only to live but to thrive. That is your hallmark."
Loki smirked. "You seem to know me so well, brother."
Thor's blue eyes turned icy and brittle. "Yes. I. do." His voice was like an icepick chipping off little slivers of ice, ice that shimmered in the light and seemed to accuse Loki of all of his sins and dragged them out into the open for all to see and judge.
Thor's harsh assessment wrangled Loki perhaps more than it should have. But it hurt to be thought so little of, especially by someone that Loki almost worshipped and wished to be highly regarded by. "Too bad. And you may never know what you are missing out on."
Thor's harsh expression turned into one of true puzzlement. "Meaning?"
"Nothing." Loki adjusted his shoulders and twisted his neck back into place. But the places where Thor's hands and fingers had grasped him still burned as if he was still touching him. And the ghosts of those touches burned through his clothing and scalded his flesh more than Loki would like to admit that they did.
Perhaps that was what goaded him to be rash in what he said next. He knew that he was crossing a line, but he crossed it all the same. And his foolish heart quivered with what he was about to do. "I am relieved to know that your expert opinion about my physical condition has remained the same since this afternoon. I can only assume that you are basing that opinion on your extensive knowledge about my body." His eyes swung up and bored into Thor's. "But that knowledge is not as extensive as it could be now... is it?" he lisped with his lips full and suggestive and his smoky eyes seductive. His demeanor had a surprising sexual connotation to it that missed Thor's heart completely and hit him solidly in his nether regions where it set off all sorts of awareness signals and alarm bells.
Thor had not been expecting that appealing taunt to his libido and his whirling senses, and he did not know how to react to it. "Ass," he finally decided as he reached out and shoved Loki roughly aside by the upper arms as if to make more room for himself. But that didn't seem to help with his difficulty in breathing which had somehow become a problem in the last few moments.
Loki flinched and grabbed his left bicep as if mortally wounded. "How typical, brother, "he murmured as if absorbing great pain not only to his body but to his trusting heart as well. "Wade your way through as though you are some sort of conquering hero. Pay no attention to what you may be destroying along the way."
A frown of doubt creased Thor's brow, then he quickly replaced it with a glare of anger. "I suppose now I have injured your arm, and you will require a sling to aid your injured limb in its healing process. What a delicate little flower you are!"
"Not so delicate," Loki assured him with a rush of feeling as he released his arm, lifted his chin defiantly, and stared sharply at Thor. "But a flower, nonetheless." His eyes mellowed as did his expressive lips. "And so very, very...." He paused. "...unique," he added breathlessly.
Thor frowned, not quite knowing what Loki was meaning but not liking the connotation that he was sensing that he should be treasuring Loki more than he was.
"You are an ass," Thor muttered and then rushed from the room while he still could think somewhat straight.
Perhaps, Loki thought as he stretched his regal neck upward and majestically. But I am not in your power, he decided as he turned away from the door and away from the food and drink that his mother had sent in sympathy.
He felt so empty inside. For despite his seeming struggles for independence, he longed to be under something's power. He longed to belong to something and to have that something belong to him.
And then he looked tragic and uttered a sigh that seemed to come from the very depths of his suffering soul.
But even that would not bring him peace. For what was the good of power if nothing is there to obey it?