Chapter Text
Steve was perhaps the worst, most inept handler the Asset had ever had. Steve gave no orders to follow out, no rules to abide by, no punishments for mess ups. There was no training schedule, no wipes, no- no anything. The Asset did what it could, it shadowed a few steps behind it’s handler, followed the few orders it did get and answered every question Steve asked.
And yet Steve still looked sad all the time. Was it doing something wrong? It was hard to behave when there were no rules to stick to. It answered every question as quickly and as truthfully as it could, but it seemed like everything it said made the corner of Steve’s lips downturn. It made its handler sad, disappointed. Steve must be disappointed in him but yet no punishment ever came. It made the Asset uneasy. Some of it’s previous handlers would delay punishments, some kind of mental torture, have the Asset on edge for days waiting for the blow to finally come. Is that what Steve was doing? Was Steve keeping track of all of the Asset’s wrong doings and then there would be one big punishment?
It missed its old handler. It missed Rumlow. Rumlow never delayed punishments, the back of his hand came swift and firm. Rumlow was easy to understand and even easier to please, its old handler liked the Asset to kneel and sit pretty and do as it was told, and the Asset was so good at that, but no one asked him to do it anymore. No one asked it to do anything.
The Asset had been waiting for a mission but none ever came. It picked up the courage to ask once, not Steve, it hadn’t asked Steve. The Asset’s voice must upset Steve so it didn’t speak to him without being asked first. No, it asked Natalia. Natalia was quiet but occasionally she would mumble to the Asset in Russian when no one else was listening, just off handed comments, but it reminded the Asset of how some of the old STRIKE team would talk to it. Sometimes Rollins would have a bad day and after taking it out on the Asset he would tell it about his day. It was almost like that.
So the Asset had asked Natalia, quietly in Russian, while Steve was distracted talking to Sam about what they’d cook for dinner. They spent a few nights a week like this, in its handlers apartment. Steve, Sam and Natasha would drink wine or beer and cook dinner and the Asset would sit on the couch or at the breakfast bar and observe them quietly.
“Mission soon?”
Since Stark had taken the arm the Asset found some things a little uncomfortable, and some things impossible to do- like tying back its hair. So when Natalia came round she would sit on the couch and have the Asset kneel down between her knees while she brushed back the Asset’s hair and pulled it into a bun. It was one of the only things the Asset found himself looking forward to. It was almost familiar, kneeling on the floor between someone's thighs, being told to sit still, being told it was doing a good job sitting still.
Natalia wasn’t gentle either, not like when Steve had done its hair the first few times after bringing the Asset back to the Avengers Compound. No Steve was gentle and brief. Natalia pulled, sometimes yanked, she wasn’t gentle, and the Asset found it comforting. Everyone else here was so soft. It was infuriating.
“No mission” had been her reply. Steve and Sam were bickering and the radio was playing funk music on low, too distracted to hear Natasha’s voice as she added “They want you to be a civilian now”
It was facing away from her but she must've felt it’s body stiffen because the Asset felt her pause in her work, then a second later it felt a tug on it’s hair and she continued “I know, insane” and it heard her sigh “I thought the same thing when Barton brought me in”
Natalia wasn’t a citizen though, so it still didn’t make any sense. She was a government Asset, or an Avenger, she was still in the game anyways. Did Steve really want him to be a citizen? It was a weapon, a weapon couldn’t be a civilian, that was stupid.
Its head jerked back suddenly as Natalia scraped the brush through its hair again, pulling the Asset out of its own head, and suddenly it flinched as it heard its handler’s voice.
“Nat, do you have to be so rough?” Steve was looking concerned from across the breakfast bar where he and Sam were chopping vegetables.
“Bleh blah blah bleh” the red haired assassin mocked and it heard her stick out her tongue and blow a raspberry at it’s handler. Natalia petted the top of the Asset’s head in mock apology, as if petting a dog, and the Asset wished it could purr. “See, he’s fine”
Sam chuckled and the Asset saw the disapproving look on its handler’s face again, but suddenly Natasha’s warm breath was on the side of its neck as she whispered in its ear- loud enough for Steve to hear. “He thinks you’re made of glass, but I'm not going to break you. If i’m being too rough you’ll tell me, won’t you?”
Her voice was low and her accent thick, but she was putting on show and her voice held a tone of sarcasm. The Asset nodded and where she was still holding its hair the Asset felt how it yanked when it moved its head. “Da, Natalia” it said, because it couldn’t call her Sir.
She laughed before leaning back to continue and the Asset could see Steve out of the corner of its eye, the blond watching them for a few long seconds before sighing heavily and turning back to Sam and their cooking.
Has the Asset done something wrong again? Should it not have said yes to Natalia? Steve was disappointed again. Did he not like someone else being rough with his Asset? If that was the case then why wasn’t Steve ever rough with it? Or was he worried Natalia would injure it and cause malfunction? But there were no missions so… God, this was confusing.
Natalia liked to take her time and the Asset was more than happy to kneel there between her thighs until its legs went numb. The rhythmic tugging and yanking of its hair was soothing, and the pain from its scalp being pulled at was just enough to keep it mind from wandering and getting lost in its thoughts. Present, but… maybe this was what Steve was referring to when he said the Asset needed to relax. It let its eyes drift close, leaning back against Natalia just a little. She didn’t seem to mind, didn’t shove him back forward or pinch him like Rumlow used to when the Asset would fall asleep at his feet.
Eventually Natalia pulled it’s hair up into a bun but she decided to drag her nails lightly down the back of the Asset’s neck making it shiver before rubbing at the base of its neck comfortingly. She was talking to Sam now, and Asset didn’t think it had ever had a massage before but this must be what it's like. Though Natalia seemed to not even really pay attention to it anymore, just palming and squeezing the back of its neck and shoulders as if playing with a stress ball.
The Asset’s head dropped forward, giving her move flesh to work with and she hummed approvingly. The Asset felt a warm, buzzing feeling in its chest that it hadn’t felt in a long time. It wasn’t doing much, if anything, but Natalia approved of it. It was doing something good. It wanted to be good. Steve didn’t let it be good, because pleasing Steve was impossible and even if it did get an approving smile from Steve it was still tinged in sadness.
Natalia pulled on its hair again, harder than before and it yanked its head back up with a quiet gasp of surprise. She yanked again, a little gentler, signifying what she wanted. The Asset let its head drop back, this time exposing its throat, and Natalia placed a light hand on the Asset’s cheek.
Steve looked up when he heard Bucky gasp, frowning when he saw Natasha pull his head back into her lap and then casually place a hand under the brunet’s chin, holding him by the neck. She was being gentle, being slow, and Steve could see the calm, careful movements were more thoughtful than she was letting on. It was… Steve didn’t know what to think. Sam wasn’t saying anything about it as if pretending it wasn’t even happening as he asked Natasha if she would be going to Stark’s halloween party next month.
“I dunno, I don’t even have a costume idea” Natasha replied as her fingers danced over the front of Barnes’ exposed neck.
“What did you do last year?” Sam asked as he walked over to the sofa to refill her glass of wine, placing the bottle on the coffee table in front of her and Bucky.
“Sexy mouse”
Sam snorted.
Steve was distracted, he couldn’t help but stare. Natasha was holding Bucky in such a vulnerable position and Bucky looked pleased about it- it was the calmest, most at peace Bucky had looked since- since before the goddamn war. And Natasha had him knelt at her feet, back arched as he leaned back to lay his head in her lap, throat bared and exposed and her sharp nails gently scraping across the thin skin there. Vulnerable, that's the word Steve kept thinking, he had to think vulnerable because otherwise he’d think erotic- and that wasn’t- that wasn’t what he should think. But it was. It was kinda erotic. In a weird, highly fucked up way.
“Steve?” Sam bumped up against his shoulder, knocking him loose from thoughts he shouldn't be thinking and Steve’s eyes were dragged away from Bucky’s neck and Nat’s hand.
“Huh?” he asked, lost.
“You doing a costume for Tony’s thing?” Sam repeated as he nudged Steve out the way of the oven that he wasn’t keeping a watch on. Sam shooed him out of the way so he could stir the pots on the hob.
“Eh, I dunno- well, Darcy suggested I should dress up as the guy from the Fantastic Four” he shrugged
“What, Reed?” Natasha frowned from her spot on the couch
“No, Johnny”
Natasha snorted and took another sip of her wine. Both she and Sam could use some food soon if they kept up like that.
“I can see it!” Sam laughed “Johnny should dress up as you, you could borrow each other's costumes- they are invited aren’t they?”
“Have you met Johnny Storm? I wouldn’t want to get into his suit” Natasha laughed again and Steve noticed how her fingers gripped Bucky’s throat a little tighter each time she did, but Bucky just seemed to relax more and more. He didn’t understand it.
It took a little over two and a half years to track Bucky down. Following from one country to another, from one HYDRA base to the next. Always just days or even just mere hours behind him, witnessing the carnage his old friend left in his wake. Bucky left a blood trail, whenever Stark or Fury heard word of a HYDRA base burning down it was sure to be Bucky. Steve must have walked through more than a dozen bases where the floors were tacky and the ceilings were red, sometimes they’d be a few days behind and the corpses of the scientists would be bloated and stiff- though once they were so close behind Bucky that some of the bodies were still warm.
Natasha had tried warning him then, that maybe chasing after Bucky wasn’t a good idea. Maybe they should just let SHIELD do it, Fury could handle this. No. It had to be Steve. Steve needed to be the one to bring Bucky in, no matter what. Especially when Steve realised what Bucky was doing.
The first few bases they went to they hadn’t even noticed it, or just chalked it up to coincidence. Siberia, the first base that discovered the cryo technique and held the prototype cryofreezer. Slovakia where they perfected parts of the brainwashing he endured. Argentina where they first introduced the wiping after cryo. Most of the bases had cryo freezers or chairs where he would be restrained for “Maintenance”
Bucky had hit a lot of bases that he had stayed at with Pierce too, they had noticed. The most recent bases, a lot of them on American soil and so were the first few to be hit by Bucky after the Triskelion fell. All of them had chairs bolted to the ground- or they used to be, before.
They’d been able to tell how far behind Bucky they were by how congealed the blood pooling in those bases were, but it was Sam who really convinced Steve that there was still hope for Bucky.
“He’s destroying the bases so they can’t freeze and wipe him again, and Tony- you still there?”
“Yep, sending over the screenshots now, look who big bad Winter has a crush on!” Stark’s singsong voice came over the speaker of Sam’s phone
“Before he destroys the computers he does three searches each time-”
Steven Grant Rogers- Captain America
Bucky Barnes - Winter Soldier
Brock Rumlow- Field Handler
“You’re top of the list each time, Blondie!”
But there was always that awful gnawing feeling, and that look on Natasha’s face when she saw Rumlow’s name on the list of searches. Brock Rumlow- Field Handler. That fuckin- that-
Steve had shared drinks with Rumlow and his team so many times. Rumlow had bought him whiskey and listened to Steve talk about his woes and his worries and how much he missed his family and his friends from the 40’s. Brock Rumlow had watched Steve get teary eyed as he told him the story of how Bucky fell from that train. And then Brock Rumlow had gone right back to the HYDRA base they kept Bucky in and abused him. He had pretended to be Steve’s friend, maybe best friend, for years.
And Bucky searched his name in every base, every time. Why?
Nat and Sam had been holding a conversation by themselves for maybe fifteen whole minutes while both the supersoldiers in the room zoned out. Steve leaned up against the kitchen counter, unblinkingly staring at the floor as he was deep in thought. Bucky, eyes closed, breathing slow, maybe on the brink of sleep as Natasha idly laid her hand across his throat keeping his head in her lap.
Sam dished up the food while Natasha very slowly brought the Soldat back to consciousness. He stirred slightly when she moved her hand, frowning sadly when she picked his head up and helped him lean forward with a hand on his shoulder. His movements were slow and a little stiff but once he was back to sitting up straight between her legs the Asset looked up at her sleepy and confused. Natasha smiled at him “Stay kneeling, I have to set the table” She murmured in quiet Russian and he nodded and stayed still.
Natasha managed to untangle herself from the Winter Soldier and began setting the table for dinner. They usually all ate together on the sofa, so by setting the table she meant gathering cutlery and drinks to sit on the coffee table, and finding something good to watch while they ate. Sam was setting everything up buffet style on the breakfast island. Steve seemed to snap out of his daze once Natasha stood up and he began finding plates and helping Sam dish up the food.
“What are we thinking? Netflix or-” Natasha was standing in front of the tv, hand on one hip, tv remote in the other.
“Can we watch Squid Games?” Sam asked as he threw a dirty pan in the sink to soak
“What about that documentary about those brothers who killed their parents?” Natasha called back, only scrolling through the true crime section
“Do you only watch disturbing stuff?” Sam groaned in response
“Can we watch the new Oceans 13 movie?” Steve piped up, finally remembering to speak “I’ve seen all the others”
Natasha paused in her scrolling, actually considering it. She hummed and typed it into the search bar and when Netflix told her they didn’t have it she pressed the button on the tv remote that Tony had installed. FRIDAY wordlessly took over, closing out of Netflix and finding the movie in its own database. FRIDAY got the movie set up and Natasha paused it while she went to grab a plate. Sam was a good cook so when she had requested breakfast for supper she knew she was going to get some good food. Bacon, eggs, fried mushrooms and tomatoes, grits, hash browns, Steve always requested a side of beans when they had breakfast food- like a weirdo.
While she and Sam got themselves a plate Steve crouched down in front of Bucky, who tensed a little when Steve made eye contact with him. He had a blue box in his hands reminiscent of a first aid box, but Natasha knew it held Bucky’s feeding tube.
“Hey, we’re gonna eat now. You wanna eat now or later?” she heard Steve ask the Soldat.
Natasha just shook her head, which earned her a look from Sam. She gave a shrug in response to the look. How many times would she have to say it outloud? The Asset doesn’t respond well to questions, you have to give it orders. But no one liked to hear that, so Natasha had stopped saying it.
Predictable the Asset answered Steve in a raspy quiet voice “Later, Steve”
Steve sighed and nodded “Alright, later” he said before standing up and coming over to get his own plate of food.
The Asset stayed kneeling where Natalia had left it, as it was told to do. When Steve asked if it wanted to eat now or later it thought it was maybe a trap, so decided to answer later. If it had answered now would Steve have made it wait anyways? They were about to eat their own food, Steve’s food would go cold if he had to mess around with setting up the feeding tube and the syringe. They were feeding it three times a day which was more than it needed to function, so it could wait until later. Steve often asked if it was hungry but the Asset didn’t really know how to tell what hunger was. Sometimes its stomach hurt and cramped, but sometimes it hurt and cramped for a lot of different reasons, like after cryo the cramps were intense and blinding- or sometimes Rumlow would beat it and it’s stomach would cramp from being hit and it would throw up.
Steve was disappointed in the Asset’s answer again. Nothing it did was ever right, but no immediate punishment came. Steve must be keeping a list, keeping track of all these disappointments. A punishment will come along sooner or later, it always did. It didn’t understand, it knew Steve was maybe the first handler it had ever had that had a physical advantage on the Asset, the only handler that could actually beat it in a fight. Steve had almost killed it in their last real fight. Steve should have no problem dealing out physical punishment, he shouldn’t be scared of retaliation from the Asset like some of the old handlers did in the beginning of their time. Even Rumlow had asked Pierce in the beginning if he should be worried about the Asset going rogue and snapping his neck, Pierce had laughed and- and what had he done next? Something bad, the Asset knew it was bad but what-
Natalia was climbing over the Asset again, this time with a plate of steaming food and another glass of wine. “Stay still” she ordered firmly, like it ever planned to move. She settled on the sofa behind the Asset, sitting cross legged and it missed the warmth of her legs around it’s shoulders.
Steve sat down beside her, and Sam collapsed down in an armchair beside the sofa on Natasha’s side, setting down two beers for him and Steve on the coffee table. As everyone got settled the Asset remained still like Natalia had instructed, until it felt its handler’s hand on its right shoulder making it flinch. Steve was quiet for his size and the Asset had been distracted by Natalia shuffling around behind it.
“Drink this, slow” Steve was handing it a glass of water and the Asset took it carefully making sure it didn’t spill any. Steve’s fingers were warm as they brushed up against its own and finally for the first time in hours Steve was giving him an order.
It sipped the water and it heard Steve whisper “Good”
Good
Natalia asked FRIDAY to hit play and the sounds of the movie started up.
Good.
The Asset’s handler and his friends chatted idly and lowly as they ate their food and watched the movie, only commenting on it every now and again, but the Asset wasn’t paying attention. It was being Good, sipping the water, slowly, just as its handler had told it to. The Asset timed its sips, making sure it was slow, timing it out so that it would finish the water once the movie was almost done. So it could present it to Steve and show him how Good the Asset was.
Halfway through the movie Natalia leaned over it again to sit her empty plate on the coffee table and as she did she placed her legs down either side of the Asset’s shoulders again, squeezing it slightly with her thighs before starting up her massaging. The Asset wondered if she just liked to squeeze things, it had seen adverts on the tv while Steve was watching it during the day, adverts for slime and squeezy stress ball looking things. It had thought about slime a lot one day last week, how nice it must feel to squish, but how it would probably get stuck in the gears of its metal hand. That’s when it had snapped out of that long daydream, when it realised once more that it didn’t have the metal hand anymore.
The Asset hoped Natalia didn’t watch daytime tv, and never saw those adverts. It didn’t want Natalia to get a slime stress ball and stop squeezing the back of its neck. It felt… nice. It liked it. Not that the Asset would ever admit that outloud, in case she stopped doing it. For the last half of the movie Natalia only stopped running her hands over the Asset’s shoulders when something intense was happening on the tv.
When the credits rolled Sam stretched out his arms above his head and sleepily said “That was pretty good actually, I can’t believe I put off watching it for so long”
“You only watch tv series” Natalia said and the Asset could hear her roll her eyes. “You don’t normally have the attention span for a movie”
“Most movies nowadays are like three hours long, who has the time?” Sam complained
“You sound like Clint,” she chuckled. “He’s exactly the same”
The Asset heard its handler shuffle on the sofa, leaning forward to grab some snacks off the coffee table “Have your legs gone numb yet from sitting like that, Bucky?”
It glanced up to see its handler giving it a small concerned smile and it shook its head. This was pretty comfortable considering all the positions it's been asked to sit or stand in over the years. The Asset decided now was a good time to present the empty glass of water and Steve’s smile got a little bigger, a little less concerned.
“Nice, well done” Steve grinned a little as he took the empty glass from the Asset, once again their fingers brushed together.
“Good?” The Asset breathed in question, so quiet if Steve hadn't had super soldier hearing the Asset wasn’t sure if he’d have heard it over the sound of Sam talking to Natalia.
“Yeah, Buck, that’s real good” Steve said softly and the Asset felt that warm buzzing feeling in its chest that it got when Natalia gave it orders or yanked its hair real hard. Praise, or just attention. The Asset was starved for either. “You want some more?”
It nodded quickly at the opportunity to be Good again, or even better- real good. If Steve wanted it to drink water and that's all it took to get some praise then the Asset could easily do that, it would drink water until it drowned as long as Steve called it Good.
Natalia petted its head while Steve stood up to get it more water and the Asset closed its eyes and wondered how cats purred, maybe it could do it too, show Natalia how much it liked it when she petted it. Pierce used to pet it sometimes if it had been well behaved, or sometimes Pierce would trick the Asset into sitting still for pets and then the punishments would come- but for a few moments first there were pets. Most of the HYDRA agents and scientists were too scared to ever touch it, and the ones who weren’t had rough hands and didn’t care much for petting- only heavy petting.
When Steve returned he set another glass of water on the coffee table and had the blue box again “It’s later” Steve shrugged “You can’t put it off forever”
Natalia pulled on its hair and suddenly said in Russian “Come sit on the sofa with me, it’s easier for your handler”
She was right of course but it still felt weird to get up and be on the couch. It felt like a dog on the furniture, a cat on a counter, a pet who knew they shouldn’t be somewhere. Natalia shifted so she was sitting sideways to face the Asset and Steve knelt down in front of its knees and-
There was a horrid clawing in the back of its throat when Steve kneeled down in front of it, a sudden flash of No. Nononononononono don’t do that- Don’t do That. The Asset slid back as far as it could until it felt the back of the sofa cushions, unable to go any further away from Steve. Steve was its handler, Steve shouldn’t be on his knees in front of the Asset- the Asset didn’t like it, it didn’t like it-
In its head it saw a flash of being strapped to the chair after a wipe, Rumlow right there, kneeling in front of him. Smiling up at him, leaning up to wipe the drool from the Soldier’s mouth, take out the mouth guard. “Did you bite your tongue again? Awh, does it hurt? Awh, want your field handler to make you feel better?” and it remembered not even knowing where it was or what year it was, being confused and Rumlow being there to make it feel better. Feel Better.
“-ucky? Hey, you with me, pal?”
“Yeah, Stevie,” the Asset mumbled. It hadn’t realised it had closed its eyes but when it opened them again Steve was sitting next to it on the sofa, a couple inches apart. Natalia had moved and it hadn’t even felt her leave, even though her thigh had been pressed against the Asset’s. She was in the kitchen now, it noticed, making tea. Sam was raiding Steve’s kitchen cupboards for more snacks.
Steve seemed to perk up when the Asset spoke “I’m sorry, I didn’t think that would be a problem…” he apologised.
The Asset frowned. “Handler’s don’t do things wrong”
Asset’s sure did though, and this one had just fucked up. It had forgotten, how could it have forgotten? Steve was Steve, it wasn’t permitted to call Steve its Handler.
Steve’s soft smile faltered and the Asset felt a cold stone lump in its stomach, freezing up it stopped breathing for a few long moments.
“I’m not a handler, Buck, so I can do things wrong. I do things wrong all the time” Steve told him in a sad tone “I’m probably doing everything wrong”
“No- no, you’re good” the Asset stuttered out quickly, eyes widening. “ Good ” it tried to emphasise
Oh no, it called Steve its handler and now Steve was really sad. Steve was disappointed and sad and when he was sad he didn’t give any orders, or any praise, and the Asset was sure it just made the punishment tally climb even higher. It glanced desperately to Natalia, hoping she was overhearing this, maybe she could back the Asset up- she must know how to make Steve feel better-
Feel better.
It.. it never made the Asset feel better, but Rumlow sure seemed to feel better when the roles were reversed. The Asset was better when the roles were reversed, and was better when it was the one kneeling.
The Asset slipped off the sofa, knees hitting the carpet with a thud. Steve reached out to stop it but was too late, the Asset stared up at him trying not to show any fear- Steve hated it when it looked scared.
“Steve- you- Don’t kneel.” the Asset was choking on its words, forgetting to breathe “Please” it added, sounding maybe a little desperate. “Steve- Don’t kneel”
Like it did with Natalia the Asset got between Steve’s knees, wedging its shoulders in between Steve’s thick thighs. But unlike with Natalia the Asset made sure to face Steve. And Steve liked eye contact- he was always trying to make eye contact. So once the Asset got settled on its knees it looked up at Steve-
Maybe this was a mistake too, but fuck it, the Asset didn’t know what else to do and this had always worked with its old handlers.
“Okay” Steve breathed out a little dazed at all the sudden movement and the Asset’s jumble of words “Okay, I won’t. I won’t do that again, okay Bucky?”
They were both a little wide eyed, a little flustered. The Asset was confused and a little embarrassed, it hadn’t meant to do all of that. It has been being Good. It was not good to suddenly move away from your handler, disobey a handler's order to not call them a handler, and then confuse them even more by giving them orders. The Asset had just given Steve an order, had told him not to kneel, and Steve had agreed? What the fuck was happening?
Natalia suddenly appeared behind Steve, placing her hands on his shoulders and rubbing there, squeezing like she had done to the Asset just a few minutes ago. Steve relaxed a little into it.
“You have no snacks” She pouted as she leaned down to place her chin on top of Steve’s blond head “So me and Sam are gonna head out and go get pancakes, want us to bring you some back or are you gonna be getting ready for bed by then?”
“Denny’s or IHOP?” Sam offered, he was putting on his jacket by the door.
“Ugh” Steve muttered “No thank you. Also I did have snacks, you ate them all yesterday, I haven't had a chance to go out and get more”
“You had 24 hours to restock your chocolate supplies and you didn’t, now look what happens, this poor gal has to go out in the night to IHOP” Natalia said dramatically and she smiled down at the Asset who was appreciating the momentary distraction from his fuck up.
“Good job you have an Avenger going with you” Steve snorted
“Yeah, Sam would be a sitting duck on the street without me” She joked, Natalia shot the Asset a wink and then gave Steve a sweet kiss on the top of his head “Alright, well, I might swing by with Tony tomorrow”
“Good idea” Steve sighed and the Asset watched as Steve unthinkingly reached a hand out closer to it, leaving his hand laying on his own thigh, just fractions away from the Assets face “I’ll see you tomorrow then?”
“Definitely”
Natalia blew the Asset a kiss as she walked away, Steve called out a thanks for dinner and they all said their goodbyes, Natalia closing the door behind them as they left.
Leaving the apartment quiet except from the music of the credits still rolling on the tv.
Steve sighed heavily and said out loud “FRIDAY, can you put another movie on? I don’t care what”
The Asset didn’t turn around to look at the tv but it could hear the opening tracks of another movie starting to play. Its handler slumped back against the sofa, all the breath seemingly leaving his chest as he did so. The Asset stayed still, wondering if maybe it could go invisible and Steve would forget the last five minutes.
“You still need to eat, Bucky. There’s no getting out of that” Steve told him, glancing down at where the Asset was still kneeling between his knees.
The Asset nodded, the blue box that contained its feeding tube and the other supplies had gotten knocked off the sofa when the Asset had slid onto the floor. Still sealed though, the Asset leaned sideways and grabbed it with its one good hand, bringing it back to offer to the blond.
“Thank you” Steve gave the Asset a small smile. “Can you come up here? It would be easier if you sat next to me on the sofa so I can lift your shirt up”
The Asset would never admit it but its knees were a little sore, its legs feeling weird as it stood up briefly just to perch on the edge of the sofa beside Steve.
“Good,” Steve said again.
Good.
It was good as it stayed silent and still, observing its handler as Steve put on a pair of clean latex gloves before unsealing the syringe and filling it with a thick beige liquid. HYDRA had installed the feeding port in its stomach in the 70’s after the Asset had to have its jaw wired shut for a week or two- some injuries were a little much even for a supersoldier, and whatever agent that broke its jaw was never seen or heard from again.
The last two and a half years on the run had been difficult though, getting food down was hard and the Asset could never quite get the hang of it. In the end the Asset found it much easier to make (or steal) protein smoothies, or chew everything as much as it could to prevent throwing it all back up. When Steve had brought it back the doctors here were nice and didn’t want to cut it open too much, they’d resupplied the Asset with a proper feeding tube and shown its handler how to use it.
“Ready?” Steve asked, his fingers curling around the hem of the Assets black t-shirt.
It nodded and Steve lifted its shirt, pushing it up to his chest so he could get a clear view of the feeding port. It made the asset uneasy to look at for too long so it kept its gaze focused on Steve’s hands and wanting to be Good it decided to hold the shirt up itself so Steve could have both of his hands back.
Steve made short work of it all, making sure to keep everything as clean and painless. The Asset didn’t feel a thing as Steve connected the tube and sorted the syringe.
“Hopefully soon you won’t need to do this anymore, and you can just eat with us” Steve mumbled as swift fingers did their work. “Can you think of anything you’d wanna eat first?”
The Asset remembered being served meals before, some kind of grainy powdery gruel. The HYDRA scientists always knew exactly what it needed to run off of, like how they knew what kind of fuel a diesel engine needed. What would the Asset want to eat? It didn’t know, hadn’t really consider-
Steve was watching the cogs and gears in Bucky’s head turn and grind. He always seemed to have so much going on in his head, Steve just wished he’d say some of it, maybe it would lessen the burden. Bucky still saw him as his handler though, and Steve remembered the Handlers Rule Book they’d found in the Siberia base. And Rumlow’s mocking tone “What? You gonna be his new handler? You’re too much of a coward, Rogers, the Soldat needs a man to handle him”
Even if Steve didn’t want to follow the Handler’s Rules, Bucky was almost bound to them, unable to break them by his own will. It’s why he kept his mouth shut, why he only did as he was told, probably why Steve wasn’t allowed to kneel in front of him- though he couldn’t remember that rule, but it seemed like some shit they’d have in there.
“Plums?”
Bucky’s voice was quiet and unsure, a small raspy question. Plums, yeah now that Steve thought about it the day they found him in Romania- Bucky was buying plums in the market. It's when Steve first spotted him.
“Yeah, good choice” Steve grinned as he dropped the handle of the second syringe. “We can get some fresh plums. Maybe you should make a list of things you’d like to eat when we get you back to solid foods, or just plums”
Steve saw the cogs turning again in Bucky’s head but he was nodding, and seemed at peace at least. Sometimes Steve thinks he scares Bucky- not that he ever means to. It's just Steve occasionally forgets that there's a power dynamic at play now. There never was before, back in the day, not even when they were in the Howling Commandos and Steve was technically Bucky’s Captain. They had always seen eye to eye, been eye to eye, now Bucky saw himself as lower and needed-... needed Steve to be his Handler. And it made Steve feel a little sick, like maybe Rumlow was right, he was a coward. Some days it was hard to even look at Bucky, how thin he’d gotten in the last couple of years on the run- unable to feed himself without the right feeding tube equipment. How sunken in his eyes were, dark circles, unable to sleep more than two hours at a time. But the worst was eye contact, Bucky struggled to maintain eye contact. Icy blue eyes always darting away, too scared to hold the connection. How did Steve not even know he was still alive? Under HYDRA’s thumb this whole time? How could he have just gone about his happy life while Bucky had been tortured for 70 years?
Zoning out while doing the feeding tube wasn’t a great idea, if Steve overfed Bucky or gave him too much too quick, Bucky would throw up. And the brunet wouldn’t say anything or stop him either, would just allow his handler to do that without speaking up for himself.
“Okay, let that settle” Steve murmured after another syringe.
Being supersoldiers meant they needed a lot of calories and Bucky was on a heavy calorie liquid diet right now to try and help him put back on the weight he’d lost. It was part of the reason why they’d taken the arm from him, since he’d lost some muscle from the weight loss it meant the pure heaviness of the arm was tearing at his neck and shoulder muscles. Sure the serum was fixing him up afterwards, but the Zola knockoff didn’t work as quickly as Steve’s healing, and even if it did, repetitive tearing like that would’ve led to more permanent damage and Bucky already had enough. FRIDAY had warned Tony not to stick Bucky through an MRI even with the arm removed, there were so many metal plates, screws and supports they’d placed on his spine and ribs just to help support the arm, it was insane.
Bucky shifted uncomfortably, he never liked to look at the hole in his stomach and Steve couldn’t really blame him. Steve went through the motions of taking the tube out and disinfecting the area
“Alright, you’re done, you can get comfortable again” Steve told him as he stood up to deal with the dirty equipment in the kitchen.
When he came back Bucky was on his knees again beside the sofa.
The Asset had been watching Steve as he cleaned up the equipment in the kitchen before placing it in a yellow medical box that would get sent off, probably back to the labs. It wondered when they would start running more tests on it. They didn’t want the Asset on missions so it must be needed for something else- it's not like world peace happened while it was malfunctioning and burning HYDRA labs, they could have the Asset doing so many missions there would never be time for cryo. Natalia said they wanted to make the Asset a civilian, but she must have been joking. If they didn’t need it to kill anything then the Stark scientists were probably trying to create more of the super soldier serum, maybe Steve didn’t want to take part in it so the Asset would? It was confusing not knowing, irritating even. Steve was irritating like that, previous Handlers had made it very clear what was expected of the Asset.
The movie FRIDAY had picked was about ice hockey, and some guy who was real bad at it. Steve finished up in the kitchen and began cleaning up the mess on the coffee table. Natalia had cleaned the kitchen in her search for chocolate, but there were cups and snack wrappers left on the table from the last movie. The Asset wondered why Steve didn’t just get it to do these tedious tasks for him, the Asset could still do some things, even if it was just wiping down the table and clearing away trash. It kept its head low as Steve moved around the room but never really took its eyes off of its Handler.
Rumlow used to pace when he was angry, so the Asset could always expect a beating not long after the pacing started. Steve paced a lot too but the punishment afterwards was different- Steve would leave the apartment without the Asset. Leave it alone and Steve would return an hour or two later, sweaty and tired and no less sad. When left unattended the Asset wasn’t sure what to do. No orders, no handler, no mission, nothing. Without Steve pacing, or humming in the kitchen as he cooked, or the sound of the tv while Steve would sketch on the couch- the Asset would be left in silence.
The Asset didn’t like being alone.
It wasn’t supposed to like or dislike anything. Weapons didn’t like things, didn’t have favourites, didn’t hold grudges. But it found it did, even if Pierce told it differently. The Asset doesn’t like milk? Well the Asset also doesn’t dislike milk, because the Asset cannot like or dislike, the Asset only knows what it’s told, and only does as it’s told. A gun doesn’t have a favourite hand, it only shoots when its trigger is pulled.
Pierce always forced it to drink milk whenever they met from then on. Once even pouring it over the Asset’s head, a whole pint of it, and then the Asset had been ordered to lick it up from Pierce’s basement floor.
The last time the Asset saw Pierce things were… different. The Asset had entered it’s Handler’s home just like it had a hundred times before, silent in the night, appearing in the shadows only to Pierce when he was alone. It hadn’t expected the housemaid to come back for some reason, it was a shame. She was nice, not that they had ever formally met, but the Asset had seen Pierce and her interact on many occasions and she often talked about her only son. Pierce firing the shot that killed her was surprising at the time- the Asset knew that Pierce didn’t like to get his own hands dirty. Maybe since he had been so close to victory, just a couple weeks away from finally getting one up on Fury and SHIELD and the Avengers- maybe Pierce had felt brave. Or maybe he had been desperate.
The Asset remembered how when it had entered it had placed its gun on the kitchen table, and Pierce had offered it some milk with a smirk. The smirk fell after Pierce had glanced at it, however. The Asset had seen something unreadable on its handler's face. He’d been… scared? Of the Asset? No, that couldn’t be right. Wait, the Asset still had its metal hand on the gun on the table- it hadn’t been following the Handler Rulebook, the Asset wasn’t surrendering it’s weapon, it was still holding its gun when Pierce asked it if it wanted some milk.
Pierce hadn’t punished it immediately that time. Instead it had told Rumlow and Rumlow had dealt with it.
“Put this under your knees”
Steve’s voice. An order.
The Asset snapped out of its thoughts to find Steve handing him a folded up pale baby blue blanket, it was soft as the Asset took it from Steve’s hands. It tucked the blanket under its knees and Steve nodded approvingly as he sat down on the sofa next to where the Asset was on the floor. Once settled the handler pointed to the glass of water on the coffee table “Drink that one too, slowly again though. I don’t want you to throw up”
It reached out and grabbed the glass carefully. These were orders, as small and insignificant as they were and the Asset was determined to prove it was capable of doing the bare minimum. It could be Good.
Steve let the rest of the movie play but was distracted by his phone that buzzed every ten minutes. Sam checks in from IHOP, asking if Bucky had settled after his freakout earlier. A photo from Natasha of the chocolate chip pancakes he was missing out on. A text from JARVIS, reaffirming it was okay for Tony to come by the apartment tomorrow to ask Bucky about the arm. Steve glanced down at the brunet.
Bucky at least looked a little more comfortable with the blanket under his knees but his back was straight and stiff, perfect posture. He was so close to Steve’s thigh he could feel the heat coming from Bucky’s side, like a little furnace. When they had first come back to the compound they had no choice but to take Bucky to medical, it had been obvious he was in a lot of pain and the arm wasn’t working right. They had to take the arm off, it really had been for the best- but watching the way Bucky’s face had gone pale when they told him had hurt so fucking bad. The arm wouldn’t come off easy either, attached to his nerves and wired into him, bolted and welded to flesh.
However, whenever Stark or Cho had asked Bucky any questions, he answered quickly and truthly, telling them everything they needed to know about maintenance of the arm.
“Okay, well we need to remove it for a short while, for maintenance. Is that okay, Sargent?” Cho had asked calmly.
That’s when Steve had seen his pale face go even whiter, his flesh fingers subtly digging into his thigh. Bucky had looked at Steve with a blank expression and said “ The Asset is forbidden to remove the arm, only a Handler can authorize that”
Steve had insisted Bucky stopped calling him Handler, it made him taste sick in the back of his throat every time Bucky called him it. Steve wasn’t like Brock and Pierce- he wasn’t. He wasn’t Bucky’s handler, he was Bucky’s friend. The difference was huge, staggeringly so, Steve never wanted to be Bucky’s handler, he wouldn’t force him to do anything. Bucky was a free man and could do whatever the fuck he wanted- apart from break his “bail conditions” as Stark called them. He had to stay on the Avenger’s compound and see the therapist every other day, all that shit Fury had insisted on.
Being thought of as Bucky’s Handler made Steve’s skin crawl. He’d read what the previous handlers had done, and Rumlow had even been kind enough to share some of his experiences when Steve had visited him in the hospital when he woke up from his coma. Steve wished he’d never gone to see him. “The Asset will want to kneel for you, Rogers, did it kneel for you when it was Bucky too? Maybe it’ll be a familiar sight”
It was, and it wasn't familiar. When they were kids he’d seen Bucky kneeling at the edge of the bed in prayer, or crouching down to tie Steve’s laces for him. As they got a little older Steve would wake up in alleyways with Bucky kneeling over him wiping away at the blood on Steve’s face- normally telling him how much of an idiot he’d been. He’d seen Bucky kneeling beside his bed a couple of times, in prayer, but not like when they were kids. Bucky had been crying, Steve had been sick.
And Bucky had knelt for him twice while they were in the Howling Commandos, once before and once after Zola.
Steve looked down at Bucky again, it was the 21st century now and Bucky was kneeling at his feet again and it was horrible. It wasn’t familiar, it was rigid and those eyes were glassy and blank. Rumlow had laughed when Steve told him that he would tell Bucky he didn’t need to kneel.
“You’ll see, HYDRA made him perfect and there’s no undoing it now”
It had only been a few weeks, Steve would show Rumlow one day. It just might take a little longer than he thought.
Bucky presented the empty glass again and Steve smiled and said “Good job”
He had noticed it, of course he had- he’d have to be blind not to. Every time Bucky was given the slightest bit of praise there was some kind of flicker in his eyes, Steve didn’t know what to think of it, so he tried not to think about it at all.
Natasha had told him over and over that even if Bucky wasn’t going to be the Winter Soldier anymore he’d still need some orders of some kind to stop him from going crazy. Steve had brushed it off at first because he wasn’t gonna give Buck orders, they were supposed to be helping him towards his own personal freedom, how was ordering him around like he was still in HYDRA gonna help? As always however, Natasha was right.
At midnight Steve sat up a little and stretched his back out, he saw the brunet flinch a bit at the unexpected movement.
“Do you feel tired, Bucky?” he asked
Greyish blue eyes dared to glance up at him and Steve knew Bucky must always be tired, he only slept a few hours at a time before Steve heard him tossing and turning- sometimes even crying out. Whenever Steve heard Bucky having a nightmare or crying in the night he would knock on Bucky’s door and all the sounds would stop. Steve never went in if Bucky didn’t answer the knock. And Bucky always pretended to be asleep.
Bucky nodded to the question. While Steve had been distracted by his phone again, Natasha had seen a cute cat with a missing eye on her walk around town with Sam, Bucky’s posture had shifted slightly, not quite as straight back. He must be sleepy.
“Okay, you remember the stuff you need to do before you go to sleep?”
Bucky nodded again. The list of stuff was in Bucky’s bathroom anyways but Steve liked to remind him just in case. Use the bathroom, shower, brush teeth, put on sleeping clothes. If you need anything, anything in the night feel free to rather use it, do it, or wake Steve up.
There were no cameras in the bathrooms but FRIDAY could keep an eye on vital signs which gave Steve a little peace of mind.
Steve stood up and offered a hand up for Bucky, which he took. His hand was warm and Steve let their touch linger a little too long, holding his hand for a couple seconds as Bucky got his balance on probably numb legs.
“Do you need anything before I go to bed?” he asked and Bucky shook his head “Do you want anything?” he offered.
Bucky frowned and shook his head again. Steve just nodded, maybe one day Bucky would have an answer to that last question.
“Alright, feel free to wander around the apartment if you can’t sleep, or wake me up for anything. Get water if you need it, or if you get hungry there’s some snacks Cho left for you on top of your dresser”
Steve couldn’t help it, he reached out again and lightly touched Bucky’s forearm and was surprised when the brunet didn’t flinch. “I won’t be mad if you wake me, okay?”
“Okay, Steve” Bucky replied quietly, he was watching Steve’s hand curiously but nodded.
Steve just smiled and squeezed Bucky’s arm gently before heading to his room “Goodnight, Buck”
“Goodnight, Steve”