Chapter Text
Jeongin was cuddled up into the corner of the couch in their shared living space as some of the kids had decided on a movie night. However, where it should've been a relaxing evening he felt off. Nothing was wrong really, Minho and Jisung cuddled on one end, Hyunjin and Changbin practically on top of each other sharing popcorn, and Seungmin beside him using his shoulder as a headrest. Chan and Felix had already planned a game night of their own weeks before, but they even offered to cancel and push it off yet again. It took Minho practically forcing them into Chan’s room to get them to yield. So all should have been fine… It was… in a way.
Everyone was healthy, happy, and in love. As it should be. After a few years together in one dorm relationships started to cross the line from friends to lovers. Complicated only by the fact it was everyone that ended up falling in love. Some faster than others until eventually the only two that weren’t dating, or even flirting really, were Hyunjin and Jisung. That didn’t take long to change either. It was nice, complicated at times but nice. Jeongin was happy to watch his hyungs in love and enjoying life with each other. He enjoyed being in love just as much.
The only hang-up he had was physical affection. Like now even just watching the others kiss gave him an uneasy feeling. It wasn’t that it was gross or weird… Jeongin wanted to be able to kiss them too. He wanted to be able to lazily kiss on the couch as freely as they all did, soaking up all the love and affection happily. Nothing was stopping him but being the youngest there was a different pressure around it. He was their baby. He loved it but for so many years with everyone pinching his cheeks and treating him like a kid, it was harder for him to open up in that way. So he didn’t and everyone respected his pace and reassured him that it was ok to take things slow.
For a while, this worked really well. He got to cuddle freely and show affection in his own way without any pressure. With each passing day though he built that wall higher and higher and with each brick it made it that much harder to get over it. He wanted to… He wished he could do more than the small cheek kisses that made his hyungs melt. Even those now were tough without feeling the self-imposed pressure to get over it. He talked about it at length wanting to be treated more like an adult than just their baby. They all tried their best, but Jeongin was probably not as upfront about it as he should’ve been with the amount of cheek squishes he was still receiving. He didn’t necessarily mind them sometimes, he knew he was adorable, but with the added mental gymnastics he was performing they were of no help to his situation.
As he watched the movie and even now the couple on screen had started kissing, that uneasy feeling began to burn through his skin. He wished it was him. He looked down at Seungmin, snuggled on his shoulder, and started to move his head down to just finally do it and get over the fear once and for all. Then the mental image of Seungmin’s widened, shocked eyes followed but the possibility of him cooing at him for being cute stopped him dead in his tracks. To be fair it would be cute but… he didn’t want that kind of reaction. He wanted to be kissed back with the same passion he had rather than the shock he was afraid of. If he could just get that out in words and make it make sense that would help. It was rude to have a conversation while watching a movie, probably more rude than making out shamelessly. At least that was quiet for the most part, distracting but only if he let it be.
Chan and Felix weren’t watching the movie so he could go to them. They were gaming and the thought of talking to them together was terrifying. He could pull Seungmin aside, but he’d probably instinctively coo at him and make him chicken out of the entire conversation. Everyone else was a nonoption as they were doing exactly what was making him feel like he was going insane. It was torture sitting here doing nothing, however. Maybe if anyone, he could pull Felix aside… tell him his shoulder hurt and he needed a massage. That way he wouldn’t have to make eye contact as they talked. He and Felix always had the best conversations whenever he was giving a massage and there was never any cooing and pinching his cheeks either. That felt selfish though… but he couldn’t sit here… watching all the people around him kiss. Even Seungmin left his side for a second when Changbin reached over for a quick kiss. Fuck it… Jeongin sighed lightly to himself. Chan would understand when he explained it later. Jeongin knew if anyone Chan would have to understand, he was the most hesitant at the start of all of this.
“I’ll be back in a bit,” He whispered to Seungmin as he peeled himself away from the comfy couch, and made a beeline for Chan’s room. He knocked lightly and waited in case gaming may have been code for something that wasn’t meant to be interrupted.
“It’s unlocked,” Chan answered from the other side of the door, signaling it was ok to come in.
Jeongin stepped in cautiously and was relieved when he saw the snacks and Nintendo Switch controllers laid out on Chan’s small bed, “Hey…” he started cautiously, “Sorry to interrupt, can I borrow Lix hyung for a second?”
“Sure,” They responded in unison as Chan moved over and motioned for Jeongin to sit down.
“Actually, I meant alone in my room if possible…” He corrected shyly, waiting for Chan’s expected response.
“Everything ok Innie?” There it was, worried leader mode activated. Rightfully so for once.
“Just uhm… my shoulder hurts a bit and I also had something I wanted to talk to him about… alone. I’m so sorry for interrupting! It’s ok to say no I just uhm… yea…” he trailed off looking towards the floor afraid to look at them should the disappointment on his face show through if they said no.
“I’ll be back in a bit Chris,” Felix said cheerfully as he planted a swift kiss on Chan’s cheek and hopped off the bed without hesitation.
“Love you two,” Chan said as they exited, receiving an "I love you” back from each of them. Jeongin’s was much softer and laced with guilt with how easy that was to pull Felix aside. Chan’s voice rang in his skull telling him all the reasons he shouldn’t feel that way as he has many times before.
“Wanna talk first?” Felix plopped on the bed unceremoniously, possibly not aware of how serious the conversation was about to be.
“Can we talk while you massage my shoulder, please?” Code for, ‘I can’t say this and look at you the entire time or I might freak out and not say a single word.’ Not to mention the tension that was actually building up in his muscles at the moment.
“Mmhm,” Felix smiled warmly, “So what’s bothering you that you can’t go to Chan or Changbin about?”
That was quick. Jeongin didn’t have to say a single word for Felix to instantly read him like a book. That was good in a way, he didn’t have to beat around the bush. It also helped that Felix was now helping to release the tension in his muscles which was becoming more apparent by the second. The more relaxed he was for this conversation the better, “Lix hyung… you know how much I love all of you, right?”
“We all know very well, Innie.”
“You know how I don’t really…” Jeongin paused to think for a moment. There were so many ways he could word this and it would sound wrong, “I don’t show it the way everyone else does.”
“You show your love to us all the time? What are you talking about?”
Jeongin could hear the loving smile on Felix’s face without even glancing back. It only made this harder. It just confirmed that no one else saw this as an issue or at least not as much as he did, “It’s not the same though. I–” Jeongin stopped himself. He didn't mean to whine like a petulant child. Especially when a child is the last thing he wants to be seen as. “I want to show it… the way everyone else does. I’m scared though.”
“Innie,” Felix rested his chin on Jeongin’s shoulder so that he was closer to him, “My love, I’m gonna need you to take a really deep breath and then elaborate. I can feel you tensing up under as I'm going.”
“I want to be able to kiss you all,” Jeongin heaved in a deep breath. He maybe should’ve listened to Felix about taking a breath first. He didn’t even realize how much he was holding his breath to begin with.
“So do it,” Felix replied plainly, “No one and I mean no one would stop you if you wanted a kiss.”
“Ughhh,” he grunted in frustration as he brought his hands up to hide the blush that rose on his cheeks despite Felix’s inability to see it, “I know that, but it’s complicated. I don’t know how to explain it but it is.”
“Ok,” Felix started rather sternly, “I am going to shut up until you tell me you are done explaining. No pressure. Start when you're ready and stop when you need to, pretend I’m not even here if that helps.”
“Thank you,” That did actually take a bunch of the pressure off of him. He could ramble freely and not worry about a response until he was ready to hear it. “I know I took things slower than everyone else and I don't regret that at all but I think I’ve let it go on for too long now. I feel like if I do go to kiss someone there’s gonna be this big reaction. I have never kissed anyone before… or well Jisung but it was a peck and I ran away immediately. Everyone still brings that up. I still feel like a little kid 'cause if I do I’m afraid it’s gonna be this big thing and it should be but it’s big in like in a negative way.” There was no going back now, Jeongin was going to have to finish explaining himself even if it felt like his stomach was going to twist and turn so much it could snap his small frame in half.
“Like everyone is going to find it cute and treat me like I’m a baby and make it seem all cutesy like that when I just want to be able to kiss on the couch watching rom-coms like everyone else does. Or even just get good night kisses… Chan gives everyone a good night kiss… I get a big hug. I like hugs, I do, but I want to be kissed. I’ve wanted it for a while but I’ve been so in my head about it that I can’t get over it. Then I saw everyone on the couch kissing and being cuddly and then even the couple on the TV kissed too and I just wanted to lean down and kiss Seungmin hyung but I knew that would make a scene, but I felt like I was going to combust thinking about it.” Jeongin paused again to bury his face in his hands and groan out the embarrassment building in his chest. He feared if he didn’t it might come out in tears which would make this entire situation a thousand times worse. Any time he cried in front of his hyungs it was a whole ordeal. Comforting for the most part but he didn’t want that kind of attention right now. If anything he wanted to hide away from the world until he could figure the things in his head out.
“I didn’t want to interrupt you and Channie hyung’s time but I knew you wouldn’t try to coo at me and treat me like I’m some kid. I know they do it because I’m cute and my cheeks are puffy and I like it sometimes but I’m afraid to have a conversation this deep when that’s all I’m thinking about. And you don’t have to say it. I know if I asked them to take it seriously they would but the thought is still there. I want to be taken seriously so badly. I knew if you were massaging me I didn’t have to look at you while I’m being absolutely pitiful. Also, I kinda thought if you did– if you were ok with being my first real kiss you’d help me talk to the others kinda like how you helped Jisung confess to Hyunjin finally. I don’t think it would’ve gone as well if you weren’t there to help. I think that’s it actually uhm can you give me a second?” Jeongin shrugged Felix off as he became all too aware of his warm hands massaging his bare neck; it was too much for his brain to process at the moment. Too much touch, too much love, too much everything.
“Absolutely, Innie,” Felix actually moved back on the bed to give him even more space, “I have some questions when you are ready.”
“Shoot,” Jeongin said as he briefly buried his head in a pillow to let out some of his frustration and anxiety.
“I am taking your word for it that you haven’t had a real first kiss ok I am not calling you a liar let me get that much straight,” Felix chuckled sounding almost nervous, “Wholeheartedly, we all thought you and Seungmin were already way past that and you two just wanted to keep it to yourself so I am a little shocked. Not in a bad way let me just make that clear there's nothing wrong with this at all whether you were or weren’t. Out of curiosity, what do you two do when the door is locked, if you don't mind me asking?”
Oh… Jeongin did not realize until that moment that the locked door may have been suspicious, whoops… “Watching drama’s in peace, cuddling, discussing vocal lessons, boyfriends… Why didn’t anyone say anything?” That was just about as suspicious as the locked door in Jeongin’s opinion. If they thought they were getting dirty why did no one bring it up? Why didn’t Chan have the talk with them like everyone else? Get tested regularly, use protection, no marks during promotions, just don't be stupid in general. He heard it all in passing enough that he really didn’t need the talk at all. Also, why didn’t they try to join either? He wasn’t oblivious to the things the others were getting up to. Jeongin was subject to hearing them often as it was quite a small dorm for eight people. Privacy was quite limited. Even so, nothing was ever kept a secret for long. They discussed almost everything at the dinner table half the time no matter the subject. Not that anyone seemed to mind or if they did mind they were able to be open about it.
“We all, and by all I mean literally everyone, thought that you were taking your time to figure out things with Seungmin first. He was your first boyfriend after all,” A soft comforting hand was placed on Jeongin’s shoulder, “We didn’t want to rush or pressure you in the slightest. We were all more than happy to wait for you to be comfortable. Some were a bit more patient than others, not that they would have acted on it.”
“Did no one mention it to Minnie hyung?” He’d worry about the thought of some of the members being extremely eager to kiss him later. He didn’t have the brain capacity to process that little tidbit right now.
“Nope,” Felix moved back to sitting directly behind Jeongin, “We didn’t want to inadvertently pressure you through him or pressure him either. We figured you’d come to us when you were ready.”
“I–” That made a lot of sense, that was exactly what he had asked for in the first place, “I want to… I’m ready but I don't want to be treated like a kid, like it's just cute or something not serious. Do you know what I mean?”
“I hear you, Innie. That's completely understandable. Why didn’t you think we’d take it seriously?”
“Every time I have taken things a step further, usually it’s such a big deal. When I held Chan hyungs hand the first time around people, everyone looked at me like I was a small helpless kitten or something.” He certainly felt small and helpless right now, “I put it off for so long and the longer I keep putting it off the bigger it's going to be.”
“You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself, Innie. It’s ok to take things at your own pace. If you told everyone this I promise everyone will understand and respect you enough to not make it a big thing.”
“I– I know but it is a big thing! It should be shouldn't it?!” He was contradicting himself now and it was getting to be too much. Jeongin shot up from the bed and tried to walk away but was stopped as Felix came up behind him and held his hand gently.
“It is a big deal. It’s special and sweet,” Felix moved to stand in front of him without letting go of Jeongin’s hand, “You don’t need to rush it and you don’t need to hold back either. Everyone is going to be so happy when you are ready and I promise they all know just how special this is and no one is going to tease you. We’ve all been anxiously waiting for our turn honestly. We love you,” Felix stepped forward and brushed a wild hair out of Jeongin’s face and gently tucked it behind his ear, “I love you. Let me know what you need me to do to help and I’ve got you. Always.”
“Love you too,” Jeongin mumbled quietly, looking away. If he saw the concern mixed with absolute adoration in Felix’s eyes he may cry. In fact he may still cry anyway… He could feel the hot tears threatening to fall and ready to choke off his voice if he attempted to say much more.
“Did you still want me to be your first real kiss? I can always just help you talk to everyone and then we can go from there if you aren’t ready.” If Jeongin answered he was going to cry, if he didn’t he was going to cry. God damn it, he was crying. The tears escaped the confines of his waterline and trickled down his cheeks as his lip trembled trying to speak but words wouldn’t come out, “Let’s sit back down baby. Oh shit,” Felix backtracked anxiously, “Can I still call you baby? If you don’t like it, that's cool! Ok come on, let's sit down.”
“I like it when you call me baby like that,” Jeongin sniffled as his wobbly legs gave out as he went to sit on the bed resulting in a less-than-graceful flop.
“Good,” Felix brushed away the tears from Jeongin’s cheeks. He was gentle, seemingly well aware that Jeongin’s cute pinchable cheeks were part of the reason they were having this discussion, “Just be honest with me ok?”
“Kiss me… please?”
“Absolutely baby,” Felix’s eyes began to glisten as well, no one could stand to watch Jeongin cry for long without tearing up even if it was just a little bit, “can I hold you like this?” He placed his hand gently on Jeongin’s face, thumb swiping tears away and Felix’s fingers rested gingerly just behind his ear.
“Mhmm,” Jeongin gulped and closed his eyes. He’d love to see Felix’s sweet face so close to his but that may have been too overwhelming for him to bear when he’s trying to hold onto the tiniest thread of courage he had left.
“Stop me if it’s too much,” Felix whispered as he leaned in first resting his forehead against Jeongin’s before going any further. Jeongin’s entire body tensed up when their lips finally met but quickly relaxed. Felix was gentle, his soft lips pulled Jeongin’s quivering ones in for a brief moment before backing away. It was short and sweet. “Was that ok?” Felix asked with their foreheads still resting against one another.
Relief washed over Jeongin as the fear that flooded all of his senses finally drained away leaving him weak but finally at ease, “Perfect.”
“Just like you,” Felix sounded relieved as well, “I’m really glad it was me.”
“I’m glad it was you too, hyung,” he sighed happily, sniffling back the tears. As sweet as the moment was, it was just that much if not more intoxicating. Jeongin wanted more but he didn’t want to seem greedy or overly eager. Now he could see exactly what he had been missing and would have been kicking himself for it if he wasn’t so focused on Felix’s beautiful soft plump lips as if he was a starved wolf. Felix must have noticed too as his hand returned to Jeongin’s cheek.
“Did you want more?”
“Can I?”
“Always.” Felix leaned in as he did the first time but Jeongin was brave enough to watch as he did. The slight tears in his eyes sparkled in the faint light of the glowing LED strips that encircled the room. Jeongin watched his eyelashes flutter as they closed the closer their lips got. He sighed again in relief as their lips connected. He couldn’t help the shy smile that slipped through now that he was fully in the moment. It took a moment but he started to follow along with how Felix’s lips moved against his, kissing him back shakily but eagerly. His hands found their way into Felix’s long, soft blonde hair to hold him closer. He didn’t want this moment to end. It was beautiful, it was perfect and it was all thanks to Felix being so patient with him. Jeongin hadn’t felt butterflies like this in a long time. He wanted more and more, he clung to Felix, high off of the scent of his watermelon lip balm and the touch of his hands tenderly holding onto his shoulders.
Jeongin’s face began to heat up and his heart pound d against his rib cage causing his breathing to hitch and stagger as he needed more and more oxygen the faster his heart went. That didn’t deter him from passionately returning every bit of affection he was receiving. Thankfully, It was Felix who finally pulled away first, chuckling faintly. If he hadn’t Jeongin may have suffocated himself willingly just to stay in that moment forever. “God I’ve wanted to do that for so long.” Felix huffed as he had to catch his own breath as well.
“Was it good?”
“Are you really asking that?” Felix cocked an eyebrow at him in disbelief, “Do you see me struggling to breathe here?”
He was being so overly dramatic about it that Jeongin couldn’t contain his giddy giggles, “Thank you…” his head lowered along with his voice, “I really… uh…”
“You don’t have to say anything,” Felix took Jeongin’s face in his hands for emphasis and kissed him again. This time just a gentle peck but even that was enough to make Jeongin feel like he was melting again, “it was perfect,” another pause, another peck, "You are perfect.”
Jeongin wrapped his arms around Felix and buried his head in the crook of the other neck to hide his obnoxiously bright smile, “Love you.”
“Love you too, baby.”