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It is around 3 am when Hanbin suddenly wakes up from his sleep. He feels the autumn cold weather start to make him freeze so he decides to turn on the room heater. Amidst the dark of the witching hour, the front door opening makes him realize that he has been alone for almost the entire night, might even be almost the entire day. Alongside the sound of a strong wind-blowing chime, a familiar “I’m home” voice is what he hears next, coming from his precious significant other every time he enters their home. That’s a little habit Hanbin has already memorized since their second month living together. However, he finds it strange to hear the phrase at this hour. So, he prefers to check into their living room rather than wait alone in his bedroom.
“Hey, where have you been?” Hanbin asks with his sleepy voice.
That man, Jiwoong, who was sitting on the sofa and facing away from him turned around in surprise, “You should be asleep right now, Hanbin.”
It doesn’t answer the question.
“I am sorry for disturbing your sleep,” Jiwoong continues. He is smiling, but that only makes it more odd.
“No need. The cold breeze woke me up. Though I bet you faced the colder one outside.”
A small nod and a little chuckle replied to him.
“The wind kinda scares me too.”
The calming silence followed. Hanbin was busy in the pantry, preparing hot chocolates while Jiwoong was busy with things on his mind.
“Here is your hot chocolate with marshmallows on top, your favourite.”
“Thanks.”
The strong breeze of wind and the rain that starts pouring become their lullaby while enjoying their favourite drink. The temperature is getting colder as time passes by, just as the weather forecast predicted.
“Can I get a hug? I am cold.”
And just by that, Jiwoong embraces Hanbin in a warm hug where he can finally inhale his favourite scent.
“Something happened? It is unusual for you to stay outside up to this hour.”
The sentence is slurred, pretty clear that Hanbin is still sleepy, but Jiwoong understands it well. He cheers silently, thinking about how his boyfriend’s cuteness increased at this very moment, being sleepy and content in his embrace.
“Nothing. Not something big, at least.”
Hanbin moves slightly in annoyance before climbing up to his favourite spot, his boyfriend’s lap.
“I know you’re lying,” Hanbin acclaimed.
“I am not. It is just like usual, you know.”
Hanbin saw that sad smile again just before Jiwoong buried his face in Hanbin’s shoulder.
Ah, he still smiles even when he isn’t fine.
Hanbin still remembers how they first met at one of their home country’s student association potlucks, once when he was a freshman. At that time, he was mesmerized by the stew Jiwoong brought. It amazes him that this Jiwoong guy cooked the stew by himself.
By the second time of their meeting, Hanbin asked about the stew recipe and they exchanged each other’s contact. Their initial communication was talking only about food and recipes. It was getting more intense as they often met at a pub in the city centre. On one occasion, both of them were too drunk that they started fucking each other. Hanbin thought that would only be another one-night stand. Turns out it escalated to a friend with benefits.
Hanbin was on his first winter holiday at his home when Jiwoong called him from a bar, drunk, and not in his right mind. Through that phone call, Hanbin finally knows that Jiwoong is not a perfect human without flaws. When Hanbin is back from his winter holiday, their relationship grows a lot deeper and closer. Their close relationship was causing trouble since both had a lot of issues on their sleeve.
Hanbin was deep in his mind when Jiwoong finally told him that something had happened. “My step-sister is asking for money. To pay her college tuition, she said.”
Hearing that makes Hanbin shocked a bit. He never expected their shameful behaviour will go to this extent. He long knows that Jiwoong's flaw is his family. It is just his boyfriend’s family is strange, or he can say that they are crazy but he never thought of this.
Jiwoong’s parents divorced when he was a second-grade elementary school kid. His father left right after their divorce settled. Thus, Jiwoong’s custody falls to his mother. But his mother is too busy with her new family. She left him alone in their old family house. Jiwoong has never known his parents since then.
As soon as Jiwoong reached his legal age, he started to work part-time. At one of his shifts as a waiter in a family restaurant, he met his mother again, eating happily with her new family. He saw the cheerful glee and laugh of his step-siblings, the one he had never experienced. However, he is glad to find his mother happy and living her best life.
Two years later, Jiwoong continued his study abroad with a fully-funded scholarship. While he was waiting for his departure, he was still working part-time in several places. Working as a tutor was leading him to his step-siblings, who also became his student. Jiwoong never thought that it would add to his hardship, as his step-siblings started asking for a lot of money from him. His mother and her new family will get angry and start harassing him through phone calls and messages if he doesn’t give them money. Knowing this is making Hanbin upset. His boyfriend is full of love to give and should receive the same amount of love.
“You know you can ignore that, baby.”
Hanbin is stroking Jiwoong’s hair, trying to soothe him. Hence, he feels his hoodie is wet.
Those ungrateful brats are making his man cry again .
“My mom said I am a disappointment. That she should have not birthed me. Is that right, Bin? I am trying to convince myself that isn’t true. I am tired of this noisy voice inside my head.”
If you are asking who knows best about the effect of that insult, that will be Hanbin. He has been friends with those sentences since he was considered the reason for his twin brother's death. At some point in his life, he started to believe that he was the killer and he didn’t deserve good things in the world. He is glad Jiwoong called him during that winter holiday. At that time, Hanbin was on his other suicide attempt but the ring on his phone stopped him. He knows he is broken and could never be repaired, but being together with Jiwoong makes him content and secure.
Therefore, when he hears those insults are directed toward his man, he feels sad and angry. He can’t say much because that also triggers him. With no word they can say, their hug is getting tighter.
“Jiwoong, can I kiss you?”
Hanbin feels like he watches the terrorized gaze just like his own self while looking straight at Jiwoong’s eyes. The next thing he feels is his man’s plumpy lips against his own. It is an unusually rougher lip than what he usually gets and slightly trembling because of the overflowing emotion. He can feel their warm breath which holds so many desperations. The desperation of being loved, the desperation to convey love. A desperate kiss with a flavour of tears.
No one wants to be parted from each other, so they put their forehead together while catching a breath between kisses. During this moment, Hanbin found a weirdly warm and happy feeling overflowing his body, seeing his man slowly become more serene and not overwhelmed with negative emotion just as before.
“Those ugly things your mother said about you are not true, baby. You know it is not true. I am right beside you and it would be nice for me to help you get rid of that disturbing voice in your head. You can always tell me and I will always be right here.”
Hanbin prays to any God who exists in this world so he can fulfil his promise. After all, they are just another two ripped souls broken by their own families. But they will try to hold each other in every weather and try to make it better.