Chapter Text
“Have a seat, son.”
Captain Pike waved to the notoriously uncomfortable, ball-pinching chair in front of his desk. The comfortable chair beside it was piled high with PADD’s and oh so tempting actual paper briefings in sleek color coded folders. Cadet Kirk desperately wanted to move the entire stack onto the Chair That Bites Your Balls, and just maybe drop that gold colored folder on the ground in the process so he’d get a glance at the contents as he apologetically picked it up.
Instead, he sprawled in the awful chair. “Are we going to waste time with small talk, or are you ready to tell me why I’ve been un-enrolled from my entire summer course load?”
“Consider booting your ass out of summer school to be your birthday present,” said Pike.
Rage surged through Kirk’s veins; hot and sticky, smothering his carefully manicured affected calm. “My birthday is during the summer.” He made himself plaster on Miderwestern Indifferent Smile #2. “When I should be in class. But hey, thanks for ruining my plans. I guess I’ll spend the anniversary doing the same thing I do every year.”
Pike raised an eyebrow. “Getting shitfaced in a bar until you find someone to fuck you, fight you, or both?”
“Winona never felt like throwing a party on the anniversary of her husband’s death,” said Kirk. “I commemorate the occasion in my own way.”
Pike smiled sadly. “Not this year, kid. You’re up for disciplinary action. Again.”
“Listen. About the…”
“Nope.” Pike held up a hand. “Save it. You hacked the school’s registration system to enroll yourself in a waitlisted class on warp field mechanics that isn’t even open to underclassmen.” Pike leaned forward, eyes twinkling as he fought back a grin. “We can’t reward that kind of behavior. So your summer plans are canceled.”
Kirk forced his face into Humbled And Embarrassed Expression #4. Pike was immune to #1 and #3, and had sent him for a psych evaluation when he tried #2. “Sir. Please. If I’m not enrolled in classes I have to give up my dorm room. I don’t have anywhere else to go this summer.”
“Yes you do, Cadet.” Pike finally lost his battle with an encroaching grin. “Congratulations on your shipboard internship.”
Kirk straightened up. The chair crumpled slightly under his left leg, snagging his pants at an angle that made the fabric tug mercilessly on his balls. “The Farragut?”
“Nice try, kid,” Pike laughed. “But I don’t like you that much. After some of the stunts you’ve pulled here, the board agreed you need some real world experience working with non-human crews. If you can’t handle a semester abroad with our allies, we’re not sending you out to screw up our first contact missions.”
“Yes, sir.” Kirk immediately regretted sitting up straighter as the damn chair snagged more of his uniform pants. The bit of fabric tugging on his balls made a play for separating them from his body. He forced himself to keep a straight face. Pike might be playing this internship off as a punishment, but they both knew what an opportunity like this could mean for a promising command track cadet. “How many of us are you sending?”
“For this particular ship? Just you.” Pike’s grin widened. “This is a trial year for the Sh’Raan . If they like you, then next year they’ll take on three interns - one from command, one from xenolinguistics, and one from diplomacy. Don’t fuck this up.”
“The Sharon ? I haven’t heard of that ship.” Was this a new ally? Did Starfleet trust James Tiberious Kirk to be an unofficial junior diplomat to a new member of the Federation?
“Did I mess up the pronunciation?” Pike pushed a PADD across the desk. “You’d know better than me. I don’t speak any Vulcan.”
Fucking. Hell. There was no way he’d live long enough to board the VSS Sh’Raan this summer. Some first year cadet would find his dismembered corpse in a dumpster by tomorrow morning. As soon as Uhura found out about this internship she was going to murder him.