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The air is slowly growing warmer because summer will be upon us soon. Currently, I’m standing ankle deep in sand that is not nearly as warm as I wish it was and my thoughts are a million miles away, carried out on breaking waves that never quite reach me. The softest breeze glides over the water and lifts the curls that sit in a messy heap atop my head and I scarcely notice because I am lost in a memory.
I have been finding my way out to the sheltered, pebbled beaches of Lulworth Cove since I returned to Dorset. The quiet beach has quickly become my go-to spot to be alone and think, when I suddenly find myself with a need for such a thing. I have never been the type to bother with deep and life-altering ponderings, but not long ago, on a beautiful spring day, that had all changed.
Please know that it had never been my intention to fall for him. He was a plaything; a toy that did not belong to that me that I had only wanted to break, and yet I couldn’t help myself. Once I had him I wanted to keep him and before either one of us knew what happened, we were both in too deep to back out. I had always known he was damaged goods, it’s not like it had been any sort of secret, after all. He loved pain and suffering just a little too much and I was much too comfortable with ignoring that tiny detail that would eventually change everything.
In the end it didn’t matter that he was a Malfoy or that he was my brother’s boyfriend because maybe I’m a little damaged too. For a little while we were two sides to the same coin and although I will never admit it out loud, he took a piece of me with him when he left.
I couldn’t save him.
That is the singular thought that plagues the deepest recesses of my mind, every moment of every day. I had told myself that everything would be fine; that he would outgrow the symptoms of the disease that I could not recognize. But honestly, I didn’t really believe that…did I? I had seen it for myself how far he’d fallen when I visited last winter, it was clear that he was anything but okay.
Standing shoulder to shoulder with my brother at his service was something that I will never forget. I will never be able to un-see the image of Albus shaking with inconsolable tears at my side while I harbored my filthiest and darkest secret. If I was not already certain of my secured spot in hell, I definitely am now.
For the most part, my internal struggles over Scorpius’ death went unnoticed by my family, although that isn’t to say that it went unnoticed by all. Teddy Lupin likes to think that he used to know me pretty well. Well enough to know that I was hiding more than a vague discomfort with death. When he pulled me aside in the backyard in Godric’s Hollow and asked me if I was all right I did what I always did. I shrugged him off and walked away. It has been a long time since Teddy has been afforded the privilege of knowing anything about my life, and I certainly am not the type to open up to someone I’ve already cut off.
There was a time when Teddy Lupin was my entire world. He was my first love and my biggest heartbreak, and although I know that he never really meant to hurt me, he did and I cannot forgive that. I was fifteen years old when I confessed my love for my god brother. I wasted so much time and energy trying to attain the impossible dream that I never stopped to realize that I was only hurting myself until it was too late. Leaving Teddy behind was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, well, until recently anyways. Since the funeral, Teddy has been sending me owls at least once a week that I never respond to. Despite my insistence that I am fine, he saw something in me that day and it frustrates me that anyone has the power to see right through me.
When Teddy shows up in Dorset on an off weekend for the team I can only roll my eyes and once again, insist that I am fine. His inability to let it and me go would make me laugh if I was still not so consumed by images of fleeting moments spent with the broken boy who left us all behind. “I worry about you, Jamie.” He says to me as he makes himself at home in my miniscule dorm room.
“It’s not your job to worry about me.” I say back, and although I mean the words, they still manage to sting us both.
Teddy sits in a chair by the window and stares at me for a long time, unsure of how to navigate the situation because he doesn’t like being shut out of my life, even though he knows it is for the best. “Go home,” I mutter without looking at him, and I will never know how much the sound of my voice breaks his heart.
“I wish you could still talk to me.” He says so quietly that it is almost a whisper, and at that moment, I wish it too.
It is Christmas holiday back in Godric before I see him again. I’ve had enough time to grow accustomed to the idea that Scorpius wasn’t coming back that it just feels like a dull ache instead of a wrenching pain. I sit around the table with my family and listen to them talk about their lives, and I smile and add the type of obnoxious commentary that they have come to expect from me. I am so good at hiding genuine feelings that it is second nature. Sometimes I wonder if this skill is more damaging than anything else, but I know that it is necessary to my survival. Teddy shows up the day after Christmas looking awkward and out of place. He wishes me a happy birthday and I laugh and shake it off and have another drink because I cannot deal with the claustrophobic quality that comes along with being at home.
It is early evening when he finds me in the backyard, staring into the moors from my spot on the porch swing. My skin tingles when he takes the seat beside me and I dismiss it as an annoying side effect of being intoxicated. For a long time neither one of us says anything at all, and the silence is somehow comforting. “I don’t know what you want from me.” I say as I drop my head back against the seat, eyes still fixed firmly on the shadowy depths of the moors.
Teddy turns to look at me sidelong and he frowns because he can see all of the things that I try and hide, without even trying. “I’m here for you Jamie, whatever it is.” He says quietly, still watching me with worry in his eyes.
“You really don’t get it, do you?” I ask, unmoved.
His frown deepens at my words and he is never so acutely aware of his failures as he is at this moment. “Why don’t you tell me.” He says, ever the optimist.
“I’m tired of trying to make you understand, Teddy.” My head drops to the side as the words leave me, and although I am looking away instead of at him, I can still picture the anguish that paints his face in my head.
“Jamie, please talk to me.” He reaches for my hand and quietly pleads in the way that is so inherently Teddy that it physically pains my insides.
I feel numb to the world around me and I don’t readily pull away because maybe, despite all that has happened, I’m still a sucker for Teddy’s attention.
When I roll my head back to look at him he is wearing the exact expression that I knew he would be and I cannot do anything other than laugh. Teddy is confused by my laughter but it is clear that the sound is like the tiniest relief and it only makes me laugh harder because no one should be as readable as Teddy Lupin is. No one.
By the time my laughter has subsided to an errant giggle I feel sobered and slightly less weighted than I did only hours ago. It may have been accidental, but Teddy still managed to make me feel better after all. “I forgot how good this feels.” I say between dying chuckles, and I do not miss the color that instantly floods the bridge of his nose and his cheeks.
Teddy stares at me a long time because he feels like if he says the wrong thing he will break the spell of the moment. I stare back at him and despite our history, I don’t look away. I wonder what he sees when he looks at me and if he knows how much this still hurts. I’ve had years to come to terms with the fact that he didn’t want me but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. “It can be good again,” He says as he squeezes my hand, and just like that, the spell is broken.
I’m shaking my head slowly as I pull my hand out of his, and the frown that instantly etches out his mouth is like a new kind of torture. “No, it can’t.” I say before averting my attention to the fading brush in the distance.
“Why not?” He asks suddenly, and his tone pulls my gaze back to him. For the first time in a long time Teddy looks determined and although I find it terribly endearing and attractive, I know it is just a passing emotion.
I search his gaze for a long time before saying anything at all because I am unsure of what can even be said. We’ve been down this road so many times before that it feels like second nature. “Because I love you too much.” I say finally, once again turning my attention to the moors.
The silence that separates us is stifling and if my head were not buzzing from too much wine I would get up and walk away. Teddy shifts at my side and it clears my vision and sends a crop of goose flesh over me that make me shiver. “What if I love you too?” He says so quietly that it is nearly a whisper and when I quickly turn to look back at him, his expression is disarming.
It is not often that I am at a loss for words, and this moment will forever stand on an extremely short list in the back of my mind. I know that it is stupid to think that Teddy could possibly be telling me the one thing that I’ve wanted to hear for so long that it has become a permanent part of me, and maybe later I will blame it on the alcohol, but at this moment I am frozen.
He offers me a smile that makes my insides liquefy and the air in my lungs presses against my throat, begging to be expelled. Suddenly it is just he and I in the entire world and everything slows to a stop all around me. I clear my throat and blink away the apprehension before I think to speak at all, and when I finally do, my voice sounds foreign and unknown to my own ears. “What are you saying?” I ask, afraid of his answer the moment the words leave my mouth.
Teddy’s skin flushes more deeply and his bottom lip quivers and shakes his nervous smile. The pressure in my lungs exacerbates the moment and my vision swims while I wait for him to say anything at all. I don’t dare allow myself to hope for anything other than misunderstanding because I know that I cannot possibly take another rejection from him. There was a time when I thought I could make him see our relationship as anything other than a mistake, but that time was so far in the past that it seems unattainable now. When he opens his mouth I shut my eyes and clench my fists, and I swear to the fucking gods above, if he says something stupid I will punch him right in the face.
“I know it’s taken me a long time, and I’m sorry. I think I had to take the time to overcome my own insecurities with my feelings for you, and maybe I had to lose you, really lose you to finally admit what I’ve always known inside. I want you back, Jamie. All of you.” Teddy’s words spill out of him quickly in one continuous run-on sentence that make me smile, despite the weight of the moment. I have waited so long to hear him say these things that it somehow feels like a dream instead of my reality. When he stops talking I replay them over and over in my mind, desperately trying to assimilate the moment into my waking consciousness.
Of course, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t say something inappropriate, and I am thankful that Teddy has always been the type to accept me at face value. “What about my father?” I ask, brow arching curiously.
Teddy shrugs a shoulder and takes my hand again, which does very little to alleviate the actual question. “I’m ready.” Is his only response, and before I can think better of it, I lean over and kiss him because I am reckless with my own heart.
Years down the road I will look back on this night at the greatest birthday gift I will ever receive. Although he doesn’t realize it, Teddy brought me back to life that day. I had spent so many nights drowning in the despair of what I cannot change that I was caught completely off guard, and although that wasn’t the first time we had shared a kiss, it somehow felt like it.
Two days later I return to Dorset a different man. I am renewed and reborn and ready to take on the world like I am seventeen all over again. For the remainder of the season I will exchange owl post with Teddy so frequently that I will be forced to accept that this is real. On weekends that I am free from team obligations I visit Scotland, and Teddy visits Dorset on the rest. As it turns out, my parents were not nearly as offended by our relationship as Teddy had always feared they would be and by the time Quidditch season has ended and I’m heading home, I am happier than I have been in a very long time.
Before I leave Dorset to return to Godric’s Hollow I visit Lulworth Cove one more time. I stand on the pebbled beach with an unfolded piece of parchment caught between my fingertips as a breeze threatens to carry it away. The tidy scrawl is worn with age and the corners of the letter are curled and frayed, but I already know this story by heart. There was time when I looked back on my time with him with regret, but now I am thankful. Although he would never know it, Scorpius Malfoy gave me the greatest gift that anyone ever would.
Myself.
Dear James,
I know that you are terribly busy and I won’t take too much of your time, but there are a few things that I need you to know. I am not sure if I have ever properly thanked you for stepping into my life when you did, but I wanted to do that now. Please know, that despite anything I may have said or done, that I have always appreciated you. You are a star Jamie, and you shine so brightly that it is blinding. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different. I know that I have been anything but easy to deal with in our time together, and I also know that despite how you present yourself to the world, that you are a beautiful person that is capable of immense love. I see it in your eyes when you look at me and I hear it in your voice when you suggest that I refrain from stupid things. I know that I have always been a Band-Aid for you, and I want you to know that I am okay with that. I don’t know who it was that stole your heart away and I regret that I never bothered to ask. I saw Albus tonight. He showed up on my doorstep and asked me to come see him play. I figured out a couple things about myself while I was watching him sing and I think I finally realized what I was meant to do. I know I sound insane and cryptic, but don’t worry about me; I am finally at peace with my life. You don’t know it yet, but I have just made a decision that will probably make you think me terribly stupid. Try not to think ill of me Jamie, and please remember that I do love you. You are special and you deserve the world.
Thank you for being my Chaser Extraordinaire, I am forever in your debt.
Yours,
Scorpius