Work Text:
Katsuki,
I never wanted to tell you any of this in a letter. I wanted to tell you in person face to face but I’m so scared of disappointing you and ruining everything we’ve worked so hard to rebuild. I don’t even know where to start so I'm sorry if it comes out all confusing and jumbled because I’m just going to write everything that I can think of.
I’ll start with the more difficult thing and then get to the only reason I’m telling you.
I love you and yes I know I’ve said that before and I know you’ve said you love me too but I also know you don’t mean it the way I do. Because when I say 'I love you' my brain stops functioning and my lungs stop working until you answer me. When I think about how much I love you my heart stops because what the hell is wrong with me that I love you in ways I never should. I love you in a way you could and would never love me and I have mostly accepted that. I love you in a way I don’t think words can explain and not that I haven’t tried to explain it I have but no words exist to say how much I love you how much I need you and it’s terrible because I can’t even show you how much I love you because there aren't any actions either.
It really is such an overwhelming feeling and I have no doubt it’s almost just as overwhelming to read, right? I mean you’re reading a letter from your childhood friend about how much he loves you and how much he doesn’t know how to live without you. Oh, wait, I didn’t say that, did I? No, I don't think I did. It’s true though. I don’t know how I’m going to live without you. I don’t know how I’m going to survive after tonight without you at my side because I’ve been spoiled by you keeping me close for as long as I can remember and I want to hate you for it. As much as I love you I want to hate you because you’ve kept me and I let you and I hate myself for it too. I hate both of us for not allowing me to know what a world without you looks like.
I’m scared to find out because imagining a world without you is like imagining a garden without color or the world without color or without the sun or the summer. Oh god how am I going to survive without you Kacchan.
I think I’ll adjust. I mean I’m already adjusting. I have been adjusting to a world without you since the day I overheard you tell Eijirou you loved him. I don’t know how you meant it but I can guess and I can overthink every reason you could have meant it but the truth is the only reason I think it really hurts is because you’ve never told me you loved me and you also never told me you loved him. Sure you said it back to me but that wasn’t telling me you loved me. I can’t really explain it but what I can do is continue telling you everything because even if you never said ‘I love you’ to me I know that in some way you did because you’ve called me your best friend and that position doesn’t come without love.
My feelings for Kacchan, or Katsuki whichever you prefer now you know most of my secrets, can also be described as a breath of dense and dark smoke that you can’t escape from. Yes, I love you and yes normally that would be explained as a breath of fresh air but this love isn’t normal. It is heavy and unnatural and has been simmering for over a decade, so yeah it feels like a deep breath of smoke. But the smoke isn’t terrible, not after I’ve lived in it for so long. It feels like home. You feel like home.
Did you know that I’ve actually picked flowers for you? I mean obviously not since I never gave them to you but I picked you flowers because I used to be so worried if I didn’t you would forget me and leave me and I hated that so I tried to keep you but every time I got the courage to hand you this stupid bundle of green and blue flowers I panicked and threw them away. I love giving you green things. It’s random and weird I know but in my head if I give you green things then you’ll associate the color green to me and you’ll always remember me because like I said before I never want you to forget me. Kind of like I collect red things so I never forget you even though I don’t think I could even if I tried.
I know I’m too late or maybe there was never a time because maybe you never felt the way I do but either way I’ll always feel guilty for feeling like this. I tried so hard to not show it to not slip up and accidentally tell you or tell anyone else. I tried even harder to make the feelings go away but I never could and I’ll always be guilty for that. You never asked for this, never asked for the burden of me but neither did I. I never asked to be obsessed with keeping you in my life and to love you like I do but it happened and I don’t know why.
Did I even tell you just how I love you? Ever tell you how much you mean to me? I’m reading back and I did a little bit but that didn’t do it justice. At least that’s what I’m going to say because I don't want to move on because I've never talked to someone about how much I love you or how I love you so everything is coming out now.
I love you so much that after I met you and realized why i could never keep you out of my mind I could never look at anything red or orange without thinking of you even if it’s a rock or mud or a piece of trash or even a bird or a beautiful flower or the leaves of trees if it’s red or orange I think of you. It’s hard because you never realize how many colors you see until you associate a color with a person.
I love your eyes because every time i look into them I feel safe and I feel surrounded and I think everything is gonna be okay. I feel like I can do anything, that I will do anything. Think of how you feel when you fight a challenging villain in summer, that adrenaline is how I feel when I look at your eyes. It’s also why I never look for long. Not because it scares me but because I love it so much it brings my heart rate up so high I feel like I’ll pass out but honestly I always feel like that when I just look at you.
You’re so beautiful too. I want to add that to the reasons I love you and what I love about you. Your beauty is nothing like I’ve ever seen or ever will see. It’s like when you see a once in a lifetime view like climbing to the top of Mount Everest and watching the sunset, not a lot of people see it but when they do they never want to look away. No picture could ever capture your beauty. I wonder if that analogy did any justice. The sunset reminds me of your eyes. You really are so pretty Katsuki.
I want to keep talking about this but I’m already three pages deep in just talking about how I feel about you and really it hasn’t done any justice. I guess now I should tell you why I’m actually telling you now.
I’m joining Pro-Hero Tabito’s agency. He’s one of the very few travel agency’s out there and he has personally messaged me to ask me to join him and I couldn’t say no. I know I was supposed to stay and I know I promised to stay by you after what happened but this is a once in a lifetime chance and I would regret not accepting.
I don’t know how to expect you to feel about this but I can imagine you’re angry that you’ve lost some competition for Number One. I think somewhere along the way I stopped wanting to be no. 1 and just wanted to be there no matter my ranking I just want to help. Of course saving people has always been a priority but it stopped being second to being number one a while back.
Getting back on track, Tabito has promised to give me everything I’ll need and every lesson I’ll need. I’ll be learning languages, how to cook and other people’s fighting styles. While Tabito and everyone in his agency hasn’t really ever made it past the top 200 in every country the number of people they’ve saved combined from every country is bigger than All Might’s when he was in his prime. And no that’s not with every hero there added on that is his alone and almost every hero there has a close number to his.
I got the offer five months ago and I accepted it three months ago. I leave tonight, more specifically right after I drop off this letter at your room. I'll be in no contact with basically everyone but three people. I’m not gonna list them because I don’t want them to be harassed by the others, they don’t deserve that. Anything I leave in my room is up for grabs and I’ve attached the key to my dorm to this letter. I would prefer if you kept everyone out until you get anything you may want. And anything I’ve left in your closet is yours now. Take care of that red shirt I left please. You gave it to me so it’s really important to me.
Also I want you to know that whatever you decide to do, I support you and I am proud of you. I will always be proud of you, nothing will change that. You’re so strong Katsuki and I will always admire you. I know you’ll make a great hero and I know you’ll be Number One some day and I know you’ll work so hard to get there and I’m so proud of you for that.
I think that covers most bases. Oh and I’ll leave my phone, laptop and all my other electronics that can be tracked on my desk and I ask that you take those whether you want to oro not because there are some things on there I wish our friends will never see. Especially my notes, please keep those with a password. I had to use it when I didn’t have my notebook on me. And my notebooks! Keep those away from everyone! Each notebook has a list of people that reality should not get near it on the inside of the cover so just be careful but feel free to read them.
Stay safe Katsuki. I love you.
-Midoriya “Deku” Izuku