Chapter Text
Content warning: extreme stupidity. This fanfiction is known to cause brain damage. This fanfiction is banned in 57 countries for inciting riots.
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A fart traveled through the air and into Erin Solstice’s mouth. She bolted upright and screamed. Three rats and a [Goth] rolled away at speed!
Numbtongue burst into the room. He swung his sword at the unseen foe and embedded it into the doorframe. Erin freaked out and shot fire at him. He started screaming from the flames and ran into Octavia’s lab.
Erin jumped off her bed, hacking and coughing. She went into the garden, where an old man with an eyepatch turned to her. He started saying,
“There was an idea. To bring together a group of…”
Erin ignored Chaldion and jumped through the door again, into the kitchen. She stumbled over Calescent on her way to the sink. He woke up and stared at her, bleary-eyed. On the way out, she kicked him in the shin.
“The sign says nothing about abusing them,” she muttered, taking a knife out and flipping it up and down. She caught it expertly and went through a knife kata that her master taught her. She sat down in the central room of the inn, waiting for her foe.
Soon he showed up. Erin squeed in excitement and threw the knife right between his eyes. Demsleth dodged and caught the blade between two fingers. He looked coolly back at her, caution in his eyes.
Patrons started scattering away, realizing what was going on.
“So, it’s been you all along,” He said, walking sideways.
The screaming attracted Lyonette. She charged down the stairs, still holding the dead rabbit she consumed whole every morning and regurgitated at night.
“Erin! What the fuck!” She yelled. “We’ve talked about this!”
Erin gamely ignored her. She only had eyes for her foe! She looked at Demsleth and nodded, a sneer on her lips.
“I know it was you that sent the fart, Demsleth.”
Demsleth faltered but regained his confidence. An explosion rocked the inn, but they ignored that.
“What?”
“Don’t play dumb, Demsleth! You thought you were so fart. Smart! So smart! But I recognized the smell!”
Erin waved the knife threateningly. Demsleth looked at his empty hand.
Gothica watched as Demsleth shook his head in disgust and walked away, dodging Erin’s every attempt to stab him.
“AGH!” Erin screamed, throwing down the knife in a garden 30 minutes later. She flopped down on the grass, dodging the spicy pie Calescent had thrown at her head.
“I’m bored.”
Reagen fell after her with a muted meow as she opened the door under herself. Elsewhere, and 29 minutes ago, a flaming Goblin looked around in alarm as the alchemical ingredients on the counter caught fire. Reagen meowed.
30 minutes later, Ishkr was next to Erin where she landed. He raised an eyebrow.
“Miss Erin, is something wrong?”
No! You said, grabbing Reagen by the scruff and lifting him into the position in which you were taught to carry babies. You walked out and–Hey!
Erin punched you in the face.
“This is my story!”
She grabbed Reagen as you fell down. Erin turned around and walked into the [World’s Eye Theatre]. She descended the steps, stroking Reagen’s fur.
“Every good witch needs a familiar. Will you be mine, Reagen?”
Reagen opened his mouth and issued flame. Erin chuckled indulgently.
“You’re already halfway there!”
She reached the bottom and looked around.
“Erin Solstice.”
Erin looked up at the curved ceiling of the [World’s Eye Theatre], seeing herself looking up at herself looking up at herself looking up at herself looking up at herself looking down at herself looking up at herself wait what?
“Dammit Silv! Get out of my skill!” Erin called up, waving a fist.
Silvenia Ettertree cackled menacingly and flew away.
Erin shook her head. Gothica and the three rats watched as she huffed and puffed and blew down a house of straw and then the other house. She came to the brick house and huffed and puffed, but it didn’t do anything.
“Little pig! Little pig! Let me in!”
Nerry looked out of the brick house and shook her head. If she could’ve spoken, she might’ve said something like “No” or perhaps “Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!” But, alas, she was just a sheep, and sheep aren’t intelligent enough to speak.
“Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house in!”
Erin took a deep breath and let it all out in one expulsion of air, a mighty hurricane, as similar to the magical storms that hounded the sea around Wistram as Grimalkin was to a regular drake. The mighty hurricane blew down the brick house and sent Nerry bleating through the air, legs squirming for purchase. Nerry was lifted high, broke through the roof of the [World’s Eye Theater], and was sent into a tunnel of flashing colors unimagined by anyone in this world. It was a journey to another place, but that’s chapter 2.
Erin looked around in a huff. She couldn’t sense Nerry anymore, and she was bored again. She looked up and saw Chaldion at the top of the stairs. He looked down and opened his mouth.
“Erin Solstice. I’m hear to talk to you about the A-”
“You’re hear?”
“What?”
“You said you’re hear.”
“I did?”
Chaldion looked down at the script. Sure enough, right there on the page was a typo. What should’ve been “here” was instead “hear.” He sighed, shaking his head.
“Cut!” The director called out.
Attendants and makeup artists rushed in, powdering Chaldion’s nose. Jessica walked over to her seat and sat down.
“Can I get an energy drink?” She called out.
An attendant brought her a Gatorade. Jessica took it, thanked the attendant, and drank a sip. It energized her, just like advertised. She jumped up and started shadowboxing, but someone got too close and took one right in the sniffer.
“Ah!” The director cried out, holding his nose. He lowered his hand, experimentally sniffing and wiggling his nose. Jessica stood there, worrisome thoughts running through her head. Would she get kicked off the set? She couldn’t! It had been her dream since childhood to star in one of this man's movies.
“I’m so sorry, sir! I-”
“Not your fault, Miss Washington.” The director said in a stuffy voice. “Ah. Ahhhh. That’s quite a right hook.”
In spite of the situation, Jessica blushed. “Thank you, sir!”
He soon straightened up and looked at her. “You’re doing a great job, Miss Washington. Keep it up. Another take in two minutes.”
Jessica nodded back, confidence growing inside. She took her seat again and sipped the Gatorade. Soon, an attendant came and pointed her back to her spot.
As she stood there, preparing to again become Erin Solstice, she swore that this would be Michael Bay’s best movie yet. She would make sure of it.
“And, action!”
Chaldion stood at the top of the stairs, looking down at Erin Solstice. He opened his mouth.
“Erin Solstice. I’m here to talk to you about the Aven–”
The stairs exploded, tossing Chaldion back. Erin jumped backward and through the portal door, landing back in the main room of the inn. She frowned as she sensed the devastated laboratory and the body within.
“Oooh, that guy’s not getting up anytime soon.”
Gothica and the three rats watched Erin in rapture. She was a [Goth], but for some reason, she thought Erin was a master in what she’d been chasing. She and the three rats came forward and crawled all over Erin, giving her a makeover. In just a few moments, Erin was covered in rat shit.
Reagen meowed. If he could’ve spoken, he might’ve said something like “Ew” or “Good lord, this goblin and these three rats are quite forward. We shall see if it pays off.” Alas, though as of 30 minutes ago he was smart enough to think these things, his body was unable to express them.
Gothica jumped off and stood shyly in front of the [Magical Innkeeper]. She looked up as Erin stopped flailing and looked over herself with wonder. Erin looked at the diminutive Goblin.
"I extend my deepest gratitude, dear Gothica! How may I ever gratify your benevolence?"
Gothica lifted her gaze towards Erin, utterly astonished. "You-you harbor the desire to recompense me?"
Erin affirmed with a mischievous gleam dancing within her eyes. She delicately wiped her limbs and enwrapped them around Gothica, employing a firm grasp and exerting pressure. As an overwhelming sense of elation consumed Gothica, she succumbed to unconsciousness, while Erin released her grip and emitted a raucous, gleeful laugh.
The trio of rodents observed this spectacle in a state of awe. Before them stood an embodiment of rat-like qualities unparalleled. She possessed an intimate acquaintance with the essence of ratness, for she not only comprehended it, but dwelled within it as an inseparable part of her being. The three rats trembled and wept, seized by a profound realization that they could never ascend to the level of ratliness exemplified by Erin Summer Solstice.
CHALDION OLIWING AND THE THREE RATS WILL RETURN IN CHAPTER TWO.