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Touya fidgets with his sleeve. It's odd to think today is finally the day. Before, he was alright with staying friends, but now… His selfish heart wants more.
Because the way his heart flutters whenever Akito's hand brushes his, or how his vocal cords malfunction whenever there's a hint of casual affection between them is maddening. At night, his heart is overcome with yearning to the point he feels he'll die if he can't kiss Akito. Such a strong pull in his chest compels him to run to Akito's house and throw his around him, professing his love with a press of their lips.
A similar pull tugs on him now, but he doesn't entertain it for long, as Akito gently nudges his side with a fist.
"What's in that head of yours, partner?"
Touya can't help but smile. "The cherry blossoms are pretty."
"Eh. They're alright." Akito shrugs, but he's smiling in a way that tells Touya he agrees fully. "Not sure I believe you, though. Ya were real deep in thought there."
"Ah." Touya sighs. It's less that he's become transparent and more that Akito is just good at reading him. Ridiculously good at reading him. He's nearly better at understanding Touya's feelings than Touya himself. "I guess I was also thinking about how glad I am to have you by my side this year."
Akito's eyes widen a bit. "Oh. Yeah, that." He slumps against the railing. "I'm glad too, y'know."
Touya's not just glad for the opportunity to be next to Akito this year, although it does fill him with contentment. He's glad they've grown so much closer, that Akito feels comfortable saying his feelings directly more often. Of course, he still implies them more often than not, with small body language symbols and words you have to look into to find the meaning. Words are hard for both of them.
Hence why their fight happened last year.
Touya sighs and lays down on the park bench. He's aware of the weird looks he's getting from the people around him, but as long as he's not taking up space, he doesn't care. Laying down feels nice.
He puts a hand to his face. It still stings. He supposes he deserved getting slapped the way he did; he was acting selfish. But it's what needed to be done. Akito deserves better than him. Even if he ends up hating him, he deserves to be with someone who can be passionate about his dream. Who's not constantly inconveniencing him with strict parents. Who can be honest about his feelings.
He moves his hand to block the street lamp next to the bench. It hurts his eyes. He then closes them and wills away the tears threatening to spill down his face. This is for the best. No matter how much he loves Akito, he can't stay by his side.
A pink petals floats down and lands on his hand. He turns his palm over and holds it up to the light. It might be dark out, but the trees are still beautiful. Sakura season was never his favorite time of year – truthfully, he never had one. He never got to enjoy the seasons or special times of year. Just practice. Music all day, every day.
Now what will he do? Akito is gone. He doesn't have anything else. He could start singing on his own again. But… there's no point, if it's not with Akito. He'll have to find something else that's not classical music, then.
Ah, how useless of him. Becoming dependent on another person like this. He can't even imagine going through the rest of his high school years without Akito. He can't imagine how he'll spend his time if it's not practicing and performing with that wonderful boy.
It's better this way, he tells himself. He doesn't really mean it. But it's the only way he can cope with how he kicked Akito out of his life. It's better because Akito won't have to settle for someone like him, and Touya has to learn to rely on only himself again. He jumped at the opportunity of friendship and forgot how to be alone. Now he has to relearn. It's his punishment for coming into Akito's life just to hurt him.
Why can't he stop hurting? He can't even enjoy the sight of the pink trees without remembering how, just a week ago, Akito confessed that he found the sakura trees really pretty. Touya promised they'd go look at them together.
For the first time in years, tears prick at the corners of his eyes. He takes a deep breath and starts walking home.
"Guess I'm finally delivering on that promise, huh?"
"Yep." Akito puts his arm over Touya's shoulders. "I was bummed about it too, last year." He squints at the water. "Well, I was more pissed, really. … But, maybe that was just a shield for my own sadness."
"Hmm. I hate being angry."
"I know you do." Akito nudges him as best he can. "But for me it's easier."
"And I know that." Touya nudges him back. "I nearly cried thinking about it. I missed you so much."
Akito squeezes him. He leans his head against Touya's. Touya's heart flutters. He nearly gets excited, his mind rushing ahead with scenarios of Akito confessing his love.
But, no, he shouldn't confess while they're this close. He wants to be able to look Akito in the eye for at least a moment before nerves force his gaze away.
"I missed you too," Akito says gently. "It sucked. I really wanted to reach that goal with you, y'know? And to think you were just gonna drop us like that…"
"I hated every second of it." Touya turns his head, backing up a bit. "Akito, I hated saying those things to you. I hated being apart from you. I hated imagining my life without you."
Akito meets his gaze. His cheeks are a bright pink. "Touya…" He's pretty. It's something Touya questions daily; why is Akito so pretty? Which deity decided to hand sculpt this boy's face? "Geez, don't go saying stuff like that." He shakes his head, chuckling.
"Oh? Then maybe I shouldn't say what I was about to," Touya says teasingly as he laughs along with Akito. Yeah. It's just Akito. He may be hopelessly in love with him, but more than that, he's Touya's partner. Something like this can't get between them for long.
"No, no, go ahead. Ya got me curious now."
Touya takes a deep breath. He already told himself he wouldn't drag it out; get to the point straight away and save the sappy speech for if he accepts. But it makes the anxiety so much worse.
"I… I… I love you, Akito." He squeezes his eyes shut, suddenly both impassioned and terrified now that he's said it. "I don't mind if you don't feel the same, as long as you allow me to stay by your side. Even though we're long past it, I– I regret leaving you every day. Those weeks were so dismal. Grey. I can't imagine my life without you, at this point, and I– just want to be with you in whatever way you'll let me. Even if it's just as friends."
Hesitantly, he lets his eyes open, with a sick sense of curiosity and anxiety. Akito is blushing. His mouth is slightly open and he looks like he can't believe it. Nothing but shock. Touya can't blame him. But, he forces himself to not jump to conclusions. He can he patient for another few seconds after three years of pining.
"Touya, Touya, holy shit," Akito breathes. Unexpectedly, his face goes an even deeper shade of red. Tears build in his eyes and he sniffles, before running forward and nearly knocking Touya over with a hug. "Touya…"
Even though Touya promised himself he would be patient, he's so deathly curious. What feelings prompted such an extreme reaction out of Akito? He needs to know.
"Akito," he says, voice wavering. "Why are you…?"
"Shut up, partner." Akito lightly thumps his back, laughing wetly. "I love you too. Dumbass, of course I do."
"You do?" Touya's hands clench into fists in the back of Akito's hoodie. He's so overcome with joy he can't even react. He wants to scream and flap his hands and kiss Akito until neither of them can breathe. Yet he can only be frozen.
"No way you're surprised," Akito says, pulling back a bit and cupping Touya's face. "You ever see me touchin' anyone else? Think I'd let anyone else see me cry?"
"I just thought… we were closer friends…"
"And we are." Akito wipes his thumb across Touya's cheek, and it's only then Touya realizes he's started crying as well. "I just wanna kiss you also. And I can't see myself spending my life with anyone else– w-wah, forget that!"
"Me neither." Touya laughs. "I only want to do this with you, Akito. Now, I think you owe me a kiss."
"Haha, who said I owed you?"
"Oh, you don't! I just wanted to ask–"
"I'm teasin' ya, partner," Akito says, then leans forward. His lips briefly land on Touya's cheek; right where he slapped him after their fight. Something deep in Touya's heart heals at that very moment, and he throws his arms around Akito tightly.
"Thank you. For everything." Touya sighs heavily. He's so content he could fall asleep right here.
"No, thank you. For coming to see the sakura with me."
"Ah, that's no problem."
Akito ruffles his hair. "Just let me thank you. It's not every day your best friend confesses to you."
"Boyfriend," Touya corrects automatically, then blushes.
"Yeah. I like the sound of that." Akito's voice is heavy with something sweet, yet tired. Like sap.
They part with a kiss at the end of the day. Touya doesn't stop smiling until he falls asleep.