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Inej had been disappearing at seemingly random intervals for the last two weeks. No one knew where she went, or what she was doing, but she always returned safe and sound so the dregs figured: eh, let her have this secret. They weren’t concerned, she has proven her strength time and time again, and if Inej were to be injured or taken, Kaz’s skin would crawl with goosebumps. The man had a habit of knowing. He knew where she was in a dark room, he knew when she had fallen into a silent step behind him, he knew to trust her. Which he did, more than anyone else he trusted her. What he didn’t know was where she was disappearing off to. Every other day she’d vanish into thin air for an hour or so, before returning back to the slat like nothing happened. Nina had cornered her in the booth with Jesper, both of them putting on a semi-serious interview as to where she was going. Despite their efforts though, Inej wouldn’t budge. Her lips were tightly sealed and her secrets stayed her own. Not that they truly minded, the two were simply curious. As all the crows were.
So when the opportunity arose for Kaz to find out he all but pounced on it. He’d always been a man of greed after all, and knowledge was wealth… accompanying kruge… and Inej. But he’d never admit that.
“Kaz,” she was laid on his bed, her knees bent so her legs dangled over the edge. As she spoke, Inej mindlessly tapped her fingers against her stomach.
“Hm?”
“I have a gift for you.”
His concentration on the map beneath his gloves wavered. A gift? He turned in his seat, raising one eyebrow at her whilst trying to calm the beat of his heart. They’d been ‘officially’ together for a while and he was more than aware that Inej’s love language was acts of service rather than gift giving, and he couldn’t help but be positively wary about what she’d done. Saints he loved her though, a thought that sent worry down his spine. It was clear as day that he loved her, and whatever the gift was he’d cherish it until his last breath.
“It’s not here if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“Where have you stored my gift then?”
“Black Veil.”
“ Black Veil? That’s where you’ve been disappearing off to?”
“Yes. And tonight when it’s dark out, we’re going down there for you to receive your gift.”
“Are we now?”
“Yes.”
He turned his attention back to the desk, “…thank you.”
“What was that?”
“You heard me perfectly clear.”
She laughed, that damned laugh that made him believe in the possibility of Saints, and he could’ve sworn his heart stopped beating for a second. Kaz clenched his jaw and attempted to force any thought of Inej out his head, but of course that was impossible with her laying only steps away from him. The map lay abandoned on the desk as he turned back and began a conversation with her, too weak of a man to resist hearing her voice once more.
That evening- well morning, it was almost two am- a gentle knock sounded on Kaz’s window. He lifted the pane, finding Inej sitting on the other side.
“Ready? We can use the front door if it’s too hard on your-“
“This is more subtle. Anyway I’m fine.”
She shut up, trusting his word to be true. Together they shut his window, leaving a slight trail (courtesy of Wylan’s genius) of bioluminescent ash around the edge. Happy with his set up, Kaz followed Inej off the roof and onto the cobbles below. Thankfully it had not rained recently, and his knee was not as stiff as usual. He leant against his cane, ensuring it tapped gently against the ground, as he and Inej silently made their way to the small boat at the docks. Kaz had offered to row, but she’d taken hold of the oars and insisted on doing it herself. This was a gift for Kaz, she thought, why should he have to row himself there? When they got to the docks, she tied the boat up and struck a match, lighting the small lamp she had tucked away in the boat beforehand.
They walked quietly together. The only sound was that of Kaz’s cane, his steps following after. Mist rolled in around the pair, but neither of them were bothered by it, and soon enough Inej had trailed them both off path and into the dirt. Kaz furrowed his eyebrows, what did she have for him out here? When they finally came to a halt, he could see nothing that spoke of being a gift. She crouched down, gesturing for Kaz to join her. He did so, leaning his cane on his lap whilst being appreciative of the few inches she’d left between them. Inej brought the lamp to the bush they stared at, which was adorned with decaying flowers.
“It’s behind here, I thought you’d appreciate the privacy.”
“What is?”
“Find out.”
He pushed the shrubbery to the side and what greeted him was Jordie. Not Jordie himself, but his name on a small grey plaque. It was stone and the following words met Kaz’s eyes, leaning a clenched jaw in their wake.
Jordie Rietveld,
A beloved son and brother, whose missed day by day. May you rest in peace
A grave. She’d given him a grave. As they sat in the dark, Kaz’s mind drifted back to the previous month, and he had to fight the suddenly strong urge to cry.
The desk was a mess, and Inej leant down to pick the discarded papers up. Kaz stood shaking in the corner, the tension of unsaid words thick between them. She worked quietly, putting his desk back into order before shuffling the papers so they were straightened. When she’d done, Inej had sat on the bed and stared him in the eyes. It was a dare. ‘Can you tell me?’ She seemed to silently plead. ‘Can you trust me?’
He could do this. His mind was screaming at him to tell her, just tell her, but his voice wasn’t compliant to work with his wants. Moments trickled past and a croak came from him, throat hoarse from the panic attack he’d just battled through.
“I saw him.”
“Where?”
“In my dreams. He’s,” Kaz breathed, begging the waters around him to push down and away. “He’s haunting me, and I don’t even have somewhere to put that. All I can do is- is-“
“Is keep it bottled up?”
He nodded, squeezing his eyes shut and falling back heavier against the door. Within moments he was sat on the wooden boards, leaning forward so his head was between his legs. Kaz absentmindedly pulled at his hair. He could do this, he could breathe, the waters would stop lapping at him. Inej’s voice came from beside him, a neverending anchor that he automatically grasped onto.
“Kaz, I know it’s difficult. And I know you miss him. But maybe he’s not haunting you, maybe it’s just a reminder of goodness. You had that once.”
I have that now, he wanted to scream. Goodness. Inej was full of it.
“But more than that, he’s still here and that’s what counts. In your earlier memories, he’s still alive. Maybe the key is to focus on those ones. His laugh, his voice, maybe holding onto those will help.”
Kaz grit his teeth to stop them from shattering. She was right, of course she was right. What he didn’t know was that Inej was grappling at the hope that she was saying the right things. The boy- or man now- was still shivering beside her as if he hadn’t heard a word.
She sighed, moving so she was sitting cross legged instead of crouched. “At the end of the day you have me though.”
Inej held her breath. Was this the right thing to do? Kaz’s eyes had glossed over and his body was rigid. He’d given her so much; a home, company, freedom. Inej wasn’t brilliant at gift giving, she preferred to show her care for others through actions. Accompanying Wylan when he went shopping for chemicals, playing card games with Jesper, wrapping Nina’s wounds up, having Matthias’ back in a fight. Those were her strengths. She bit her lip, worrying a tear into it.
“…I thought this would give you somewhere to put it all. It's not much,” the headstone was a small thing, easily covered by the bushes, “but I thought it was better than nothing. And I know it’s not the same as having a grave with him buried beneath it, but-“
“It’s wonderful.”
His raspy voice came out, a quiet hiss in the darkness. He hadn’t turned to face her, unable to tear his eyes away from Jordie’s name. All the same he knew she’d let slip a smile of relief.
“I’ll wait by the boat. Take as long as you need.”
Inej had left the lamp with Kaz, all too acquainted with darkness to need it. When she’d gotten back to the little wooden thing, Inej sat peacefully in it. She let her eyes close as she leant against the side. Kaz would be a while, she knew that, and she found some sort of odd peace in Black Veil. Her mind drifted to him. He’d made immense progress in the last few years, a sort of sign that read I can do this. I can fix myself. He hadn’t even bought his gloves out with them that night, and she smiled at the strange sight of his bare hands.
The sound of the cane against the pathway woke her up, and Inej offered a comforting smile as Kaz stepped into the boat. The lamp swung and he opened the glass window to blow the light out. Before he did though, Inej caught sight of the red around his eyes and the tracks down his cheeks.
She never commented on it. She never needed to.