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“Mr, err, Silvertongue – are you sure you wouldn’t like to have an attorney present for this?”
“I am sure. I have a solid grasp of your legal system; whatever hack Legal Aid would send would only get in my way.”
“Very well. In that case let us begin negotiations on whether Mr Stark is obligated to pay Loki Silvertongue child support for Magnus, Orn, Toki, Hild, Runa, and Svala,” the presiding judge says as she apprehensively looks around the table.
“I’m not paying him a dime,” Tony Stark growls from his position opposite the Norse god.
“How heartless Stark, refusing to support the unemployed mother you decline to wed.”
“Hey, I made it clear I was an asshole from the beginning; it didn’t seem to be a problem when you jumped into bed with me.”
“Maybe I hoped paternity would change that. You do believe them your children do you not? That is not the reason you are resisting my motion?”
“Oh no I did a DNA test. They’re definitely my kids. What I’m objecting to is paying child support for kittens.”
“Kittens are very expensive to keep. And I am very disappointed you love them less just because they are not the same species as you.”
“They can’t really be that expensive. And excuse me for being a little disappointed that I’ll never be able to communicate with my children as I don’t speak Cat.”
“You know I would always be happy to translate for you.”
“And I’m sure you would never dream of making an inaccurate translation God of Lies.”
“Gentlemen, please,” interrupts the judge. “I understand that you both feel very strongly about this issue, but let us attempt to come to a peaceful agreement for the sake of the children.”
“Listen to the good woman Stark and do your duty as a father.”
“I’ll do my duty if you give me a more reasonable number.”
“I believe I have been extremely reasonable. These are my children and they deserve only the best of everything, and the best does not come cheap.”
“But they’re kittens; what do they need besides a bowl of milk and a litter box? Are you trying to get me to pay for a solid gold litter box?”
Loki gives Tony a truly disgusted look. “I am not from this planet and even I know that health insurance is necessary to avoid crippling payments after a visitation to a veterinary healer.”
“That wasn’t a no to the golden litter box.”
“Mr Silvertongue,” the judge says patiently. “Would you happen to have an expenses sheet that might convince Mr Stark of the legitimacy of the figure you are asking for?”
“I do Your Honour,” Loki replies with a simpering smile. He pulls out a roll of parchment and pushes it across the table towards Tony and his attorney. The woman unrolls the scroll and together she and Tony scan the document.
Frowning, Tony asks, “How do I know you didn’t make these figures up?”
“I’m sure your mechanical manservant will verify the data for you if you only ask,” Loki answers sweetly.
Tony pulls out his phone and for a minute is silent as he has JARVIS run the numbers. He huffs and unhappily returns his phone to his jacket pocket. “I’m still not paying you.”
“Your Honour,” Loki says, turning to face the judge, “Stark is clearly being unreasonable. He has accepted that they are his children by blood and that he has a duty to pay for their keep. He has also accepted that I am not asking for an unreasonable sum – he is simply too much of a cheapskate to admit to my terms. Surely he should be compelled to do his duty as all fathers are in this fair land?”
“At this point we are attempting to negotiate and I cannot compel anything. However, I do think that you have grounds to take your case to trial.”
“If Stark will not see sense then that is what I am prepared to do for my children.”
Tony turns to his attorney and pins her with a look that says ‘It’s time to earn your ridiculously large paycheck’. The woman nods and serenely focuses her attention on Loki. “You should know Mr Silvertongue that if you go to trial I will file a motion on Mr Stark’s behalf petitioning for sole custody of the children. If you are claiming that they are your children and should have the same rights granted to human offspring under United States law, then the court is entitled to remove them from your custody if you prove to be an unfit parent. Since your registered profession is ‘super-villain’ I think the court will rule that you are unfit to raise children, even if they are kittens, and will grant Mr Stark custody. In other words, if you take this to trial you will likely lose your children.”
Instead of descending into an uncontrollable rage Loki nods. “You are right, I am an unfit parent – Stark should be given full custody of our children.”
“Wait, what?” Tony splutters. “You’re seriously just going to give up like that?”
“I am doing what is best for my children. I know you will provide for them and keep them safe if they are lawfully in your care. Still, I think I deserve frequent visitation rights for my generosity.”
“I never said I was agreeing to this!”
“You either accept sole custody now or you pay child support. Or we go to trial and you are left with the same choice to be made at a later date.” A devious grin slowly slides across Loki’s lips as he asks, “So, which will it be Stark?”
Tony confers with his lawyer in aggravated whispers. Eventually the attorney turns to Loki and says, “Mr Stark will take custody of the kittens and grant you regular visitation outside of Avengers HQ.”
“Excellent!” Loki’s gaze turns dangerous as he adds, “The children are your responsibility now Stark. If anything happens to them I will hold you accountable for the damage.”
Tony locks gazes with him before giving a small incline of his head. “Understood.”
The judge smiles and claps her hand. “Well then, I think this concludes proceedings for now. We’ll reconvene when a contract has been drawn up.”
Everyone rises to their feet but Tony. “Hey, would it be alright if I had a word alone with the mother of my kittens?”
“Alright, but don’t say anything stupid or Miss Potts will have my head,” replies his attorney.
“Roger that.”
Tony waits until the two women have left before he stands and walks around the table to where Loki is waiting for him. Slowly, as if approaching a wild animal that bites, Tony reaches up and cups Loki’s jaw. When Loki doesn’t push him away Tony moves in to kiss him.
He grins as he pulls back and murmurs, “You know you didn’t have to make up an excuse to see me again.”
“You think I would use my children as an excuse to parley with such lowly mortal creatures as yourself?”
“In an instant.”
Loki chuckles and Tony takes that as permission to wrap his arms around the god’s gorgeous waist and pull him in close.
“You got me into a lot of trouble you know,” Tony whispers into Loki’s neck. “Pepper is still mad at me for sleeping with you when we were on a break and making highly intelligent love-kittens.”
“Did you explain to her that you were heavily intoxicated and believed yourself to be dying when I convinced you that you could not depart this mortal coil without first partaking in the pleasures of my flesh?”
“Yeah, she said that was no excuse for exercising bad judgement. She doesn’t like you very much.”
“I can understand her resentment. She is intelligent enough to know that she cannot compete with a god.”
“She might not have your stamina but at least she doesn’t put me in situations which make the head of Stark Industries Legal Department cry.”
“You consider this a good thing?”
“You’re right, the head of Legal is a dick. But at least he was able to find me a good child-custody lawyer.”
“Yes, she was very devious.”
“I’m glad you approve.”
“But still not devious enough to outmanoeuvre me.”
“Like you said: you’re a god – you’ve had a few hundred years more experience than the rest of us.”
Loki hums and cards his fingers through Tony’s hair. After a moment of peace that falls easily between them he murmurs, “Are you disappointed they are not human?”
“Let’s just say I wasn’t joking when I said it was frustrating I’d never be able to communicate with them. Not unless I invent some sort of collar that can translate Cat into English.”
Tony goes still, his mind suddenly flooded with equations and designs and possibilities. Chuckling softly, Loki tips Tony’s head back and kisses him until he returns to the present.
“What was I saying? Oh yeah, I’m sad about the communication barrier and the lack of opposable thumbs meaning there’s a load of father-son and daddy-daughter stuff we won’t be able to do, but I’ll learn how to deal with that. Parents with disabled kids still manage to form meaningful relationships so I’m sure a genius like me can have a totally epic relationship with those kittens. Just promise me you won’t flay me alive if I slip into treating them like regular dumb kittens? You know it takes me a few tries to work out how to interact with people.”
“I believe I can make that promise on one condition.”
“And what might that be?”
“You have to come back into my bed.”
“I can agree to that condition so long as Pepper doesn’t find out. Or Fury. Or the Avengers. Basically anyone who might try to kill me for sleeping with the enemy.”
“Deal,” Loki breathes against his lips. “Now let us seal it with a kiss.”
“In my books that’s always been the best way to end negotiations. Unless you’re negotiating with a bunch of old dudes with bad breath and-”
Loki uses his lips to put an end to Tony’s ramblings. Tony doesn’t complain.