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Toni paced back and forth in front of the bathroom sink. She glanced between the small stick on the counter and the timer next to it, counting down from the two minute mark. Two minutes had never seemed so long before, but now, now it was the longest measurement of time in the universe. Worlds could be born or die, governments could topple, a whole host of things could happen in the time it was taking for the timer to run out. She took a deep breath, let it out on a sigh and resumed her frantic pacing.
“Toni,” came the soft, calm voice from the bedroom. “Toni, just come sit here next to me.”
Toni turned, glanced back at the clock (1:30 to go, really?) and poked her head out the door. There, sitting on the bed with his legs drawn up in lotus position sat Bruce, cool as you please, thank you very much. He patted the spot on the bed next to him and when Toni didn’t move, he raised one hand and curled his pointer finger, motioning for her to come closer.
Reluctantly, she did, climbing onto the bed next to him, resting her head on his broad shoulder and wrapping her arms around his chest. “I’m going to invent a time machine so I can pee on a stick and then jump forward in time to immediately know the results,” she muttered into his shirt.
Bruce grinned. “That seems like a bit of a mundane use for the art of time travel, dear.”
Toni raised her head in outrage. “Get me a DeLorean and let’s make this a reality! Eighty-eight miles per hour! JARVIS, buy me-“ she started before being cut off by the soft ding from the bathroom. Both of the occupants of the bed froze.
Then, gently, Bruce untangled himself from Toni and crossed into the bathroom. He came back out holding the small, plastic stick in his hand. Toni fidgeted with her fingers, cracking her knuckles and wringing her hands, looking at anything but the man on the other side of the room.
“What’s it say?” she mumbled.
“Toni-“ Bruce started.
“It’s negative then.”
“Yes, its negative. It’s only been six months, though. You are putting too much pressure on this. Six months is practically no time at all.”
Before he could launch into the same speech that he gave every month, every time that the stick showed one line instead of two, Toni shook her head.
“It’s time, Bruce. We are both in our early 40’s and it’s been six months of trying with no success. We need to go see a reproductive endocrinologist.”
Bruce sighed. “If that’s…if that’s what you want.”
“It is,” Toni finally untangled herself from the bed. She raised herself on her tip toes and pressed a kiss to Bruce’s mouth, inhaling the scent of her partner of the last three years. She gently traced her fingers over his face and smiled. “Now, go on you, fix me breakfast. I’m gonna take a quick shower then I expect some world class pancakes, ok?” Bruce closed his eyes and tilted his head into her palm. He opened his eyes and held her gaze.
“You sure you’re ok? Do you need me to stay?”
Toni stepped back. “Nah, I’m fine. Totally fine. I need pancakes. And coffee. And don’t let Clint take any. He’s a dirty thief, that’s what he is. No pancakes for him!!” She hustled Bruce out the bedroom door and listened to his feet echo down the hallway. Once it was quiet in the master bedroom, Toni went back to the bathroom and turned on the shower, waiting for the water to heat up.
She undressed and climbed under the spray. “JARVIS, is Bruce in the kitchen?”
“Dr. Banner is in the kitchen, cooking with the aid of Misters Rogers and Barton, ma’am.”
“Thank you, JARVIS” Toni whispered as she lowered herself to the floor of the shower, curled her knees under her chin, and sobbed, the sounds of her tears drowned out by the water spray.
----
A week later Toni and Bruce sat in front of a huge, modern desk in a huge, modern office housed in a huge, modern building somewhere in Manhattan. Across the desk from them sat one of the premiere infertility specialists in the world. The doctor was laying out what tests needed to be done to determine if there was any problem between the two of them and to evaluate their chances of conceiving a child.
“Now, Ms. Stark, what your regimen looks like for this month is as follows: On day 2-3 of your menstrual cycle, you will have blood work. That same battery of tests will be repeated mid-cycle (days 14-16) to measure changes and/or surges of LSH. If ovulation occurs, those tests will be done for a third time 7 days following ovulation. We will also need to conduct an ultrasound to see if a viable egg sack is forming and can be detected. Finally, we will also need to have you submit to a hysterosalpinogram, or HSG, an x-ray of your reproductive system. That will occur between days 6 and 13 of your cycle. While we are performing the HSG, we will also conduct an endometrial biopsy to see how the lining of the uterus is behaving. You will continue with your daily basil body temperature readings, as well as limiting your caffeine intake as well as abstinence regarding all drugs and alcohol. Your assistant sent over your complete medical history, so that will also help in getting a complete picture.”
Toni swallowed around a suddenly dry mouth. Her mind was swimming with all the instructions laid out in front of her. She flipped through all the orders in the packet the doctor handed her. She then looked over at Bruce and his much smaller stack.
“Wait, so what does Bruce have to do then?”
“Doctor Banner will be required to follow the same dietary restrictions as you, much sure he wears loose undergarments and avoids hot tubs. We will need a semen sample obtained after a period of 48 hours of abstinence and a complete physical.”
Toni blinked several times, than allowed the bubble of laughter that had been lodged in her throat to come forth.
“Just so we are all on the same page here, Doc. I get to have my blood taken multiple times, have an ultrasound, stick a thermometer in my vagina first thing in every single morning, I can’t drink normal coffee, for Christ’s sake, and,” she flipped to the diagram of the uterus in her packet, “and I get to have my feet placed in stirrups, my cervix clamped and forced open, a tube feed through that clamped cervix into my uterus, then have my reproductive system flooded with dye. Finally, just cause we’re not done with the humiliation train yet, while all that is happening, you’ll take a clipping of the lining of my uterus. We all on the same page here, Doc? And all Bruce has to do is avoid hot tubs and jack off into a cup?! How is this fair?”
Bruce had the grace to look embarrassed. “It’s not fair, Toni. Not at all, but this will give us the most complete picture of what’s going on. By the end of the month, we’ll have answers. One way or the other, we’ll know.”
The specialist nodded. “Your partner is correct, Ms. Stark. While these procedures are uncomfortable and invasive, they will help us assemble the most complete picture of your joint fertility and allow us to move forward with the best plan of care for you both.” Toni sighed and slumped back in the chair.
“Ok, fine. Let’s do this.”
Toni had been in a whole host of uncomfortable positions in her life. She’d spent three months in a cave in the mountains of Afghanistan, for crying out loud. She’d flown a nuclear missile into space. She’d driven a formula one car around the track at Monaco (not so much uncomfortable, just tiny. Very tiny cockpits.) She could do this. She was a genius and science was not going to beat her. She loved science. It’s what brought her and Bruce together in the first place.
So she submitted to every test: every needle poke, every question about her sex life, her number of partners, her medical history, the physical exams, the ultrasounds, the biopsies and the x-rays. She switched to decaf coffee and hadn’t had a drink in six months. She’d done everything, everything the doctors had asked of her.
Bruce, sweet, perfect, lovely, rock steady Bruce had been there next to her the whole time. He held her hand during the most invasive of procedures and stroked her hair away from her face when she would lie in his arms and voice her doubts in the darkest hours of the night. Every day of that long month, Toni would take an hour of the day and go and sit in the room that had been set aside for a nursery. The walls were a calming green color, which Toni and Bruce both found wonderfully ironic. Toni would sit and gently rock herself back and forth in the antique rocking chair that she had found in storage.
Every day for a month, Toni would sit and envision in great detail the life that would come to live in these walls. The phantom child, made of vapors, a silhouette, and a faceless dream. Knowing that soon they’d have answers and a plan and science couldn’t fail them made it so much more real.
Before Bruce, before the Hulk, Toni had laughed at the idea of children. Why would she ever need to procreate? She’d just leave everything to Pepper. Pepper and Happy would have kids and they could inherit the Stark Empire. That way, she couldn’t be held responsible for screwing up the raising of another human being. Easy Peasy.
But After Bruce…after Bruce brought with it feelings and dreams and awoke in Toni a small, still voice that whispered maybe you can have this. Maybe you do deserve to have this. So when Bruce brought up the idea of children, of more permanence than Toni could ever dream of, she held on with both hands. She still ached when she viewed the video of the first meeting between Natasha and Bruce in that hut in India. When he’d reached out and gently touched the bassinet. Well, I don’t every time get what I want. Whatever it took, she would give this to Bruce.
Finally, the day arrived for the duo to find out the results of the tests. Toni was bouncing up and down in the backseat of the town car as Happy drove her and Bruce to the medical center. Bruce was silent next to her, running his thumb over his fingers, looking for the first tell tale signs of green. Toni was having none of his melancholy. “It’s fine, Bruce, it is. You’ll see. Everything is going to be fine.” Bruce just smiled and took her hand and covered it with both of his.
By the time they were seated at in front of that huge, modern desk again, Toni was practically vibrating with excitement. She was mentally calculating ovulation charts, fertility cycles, the pros and cons of morning sex and the scientific evidence to support any number of urban myths on aiding conception when the doctor walked in the door.
He sat down across from them and opened the chart in front of him. He looked them both in the eye and started with the test results on the top of the pile.
“Doctor Banner,” he started and Bruce immediately tensed up in the chair next to Toni, squeezing tight around her fingers.
“Your semen analysis came back 100% normal and free of any gamma radiation. Your count is well within normal range with a high rate of mobility. No deformities were noted. You should have no impediment to fathering a child.”
Bruce’s jaw dropped. “I was so sure…” he mumbled, tears filling up his brown eyes. Toni leaped out of her chair and started doing a dance around the office. “You’ve got great sperm. You’ve got great sperm. Lalalala.” She sang as she sambaed around the chair. Bruce broke into a true grin, full of relief and joy and swung her into his arms, spinning her around. They both laughed. Finally, they calmed enough to sit back down. It was only then that they both took in the look on the doctor’s face. He wasn’t smiling with them.
“As I was saying, Dr. Banner’s semen results were normal.” Here he paused, taking a deep breath. “However, Ms. Stark, your results were, I’m so very sorry to say, abnormal.”
Toni swore she felt her heart jolt in her chest. “Abnormal? Like, some levels were slightly out of range, here take this supplement and then go forth and multiple?”
“No, Ms. Stark. Due to the palladium poisoning that you suffered, your body has entered premature menopause. You are not producing any viable eggs and your uterine lining is too thin to support fetal implantation. In short, Ms. Stark, you are sterile.”
After that it was like the doctor had morphed into the teacher from Charlie Brown because all Toni could hear was white noise and the rushing of water was filling her ears and Oh god, when did the air get so thin in here? The next thing she was aware of was Bruce’s voice in her ear telling her she was having a panic attack and pushing her head down between her knees and just to breath in and breath out, just like that, very good Toni, one more time, in and out. Finally the black spots in her vision cleared and she was able to lift her head and there was Bruce, with tear tracts on his face.
“I’m fine, I’m ok, I just need a moment, I’m just going to go to the bathroom, ok?” Without waiting for an answer from him, Toni rose, grabbed her purse and fled the office. She could see the bathrooms down the hall but as she got near them she changed course, instead heading for the elevators. Taking the elevator all the way to the parking garage, she nearly tripped as the metal doors opened to reveal Happy leaning against the car, texting on his phone. He looked up at her approach, then did a double take. He immediately rushed forward.
“Ms. Stark? What’s happened? Are you hurt? Where’s Dr. Banner? Do you need to call in the Avengers?”
“Car keys.” She mumbled, holding out her hand. A lifetime in her employment had trained Happy to react on instinct alone and his arm came up, depositing the keys into her outstretched palm. Before he could say anything else, Toni stepped around him, opened the door and slipped into the driver’s seat. The engine revved to life and Toni jammed the gear shift into reverse, slamming her foot down onto the pedal. Happy had to dive out of the way as the car pealed out of the garage in a haze of tire smoke. As Toni took the corner out of the garage, she caught sight of the elevator doors opening and Bruce jogging to Happy’s side, his mouth forming her name in the rearview mirror.
To be honest, Toni is not 100% sure how she managed to navigate from the medical center back to Stark Tower. All she knows is suddenly she’s there and pulling the town car into its normal spot. She looked around the silent garage and is struck by how ordinary everything seems. All her cars are here, Steve’s motor cycle is in its spot, Clint’s bike is next to it. The black and red Ferrari that she’d purchased for Natasha was there too. Bruce and Thor didn’t like to have their own vehicles (Bruce felt too constricted, and well, the misadventure of trying to teach Thor to drive was the stuff of Avengers legend). Life continued on uninterrupted, as if her world had not just came to a screeching halt.
Suddenly, Toni was so angry she couldn’t see straight. She raised her hands and slapped them down on the steering wheel. Again and again and again and then the tears came and before long Toni was screaming and crying and beating the hell out of her car because this wasn’t fair. She’s not sure how long she sits there, crying and beating the car, but eventually she gets herself together enough to get out of the car and into the elevator. Without a word from her, the lift moves, stopping at the penthouse level. The doors open and Toni stumbled again, finally kicking off her heels and taking a few more steps forward to reach the bar. She blindly dug around for the first decanter she could find, opened it and drained half of it in one go.
She sank to the ground behind the bar and cradled the alcohol to her chest, hoping, praying that the burn of the booze will take the place of the awful, gnawing, gaping chasm that’s opened up in her soul. She was a fool, she knew that now, a fool to ever dream of having something like this. It was a pipe dream that was all. Toni Stark, a mother? She’d been diluting herself. She’d have been an awful mother. Nature knew that, and had just gone ahead and taken care of the issue for her. Game over.
Toni isn’t sure how long she sits there before the ceiling tile over her head opens and Natasha drops down. The redheaded assassin doesn’t say anything, just takes in the red eyes, tears, and alcohol. Without a word, Natasha pulls a bottle of Russian vodka from somewhere on her person and hands it over. The two sit in silence, shoulder to shoulder, each lost in her own memories.
Eventually the elevator doors open and Bruce and Clint stride into the penthouse. Clint scooped Natasha into his arms and as the two exit the room, Toni heard Natasha murmur softly, “It’s not fair, Clint.” Barton just holds her tighter and replies, “I know, babe. I know.” Toni thinks maybe Natasha wasn’t talking just about her.
Toni cuddled her booze closer to her chest and tried to look at anything other than Bruce. He knelt in front of her, gently prying the bottle out of her hands. She made a noise, reaching out for it, but Bruce set it out of her reach. “Toni, look at me.”
She shook her head no, curling tighter into herself.
“Toni, please, just look at me.”
Finally, she raised her head and looked at her lover. Bruce’s eyes were also red and swollen from crying. He raised one of his hands, cradled her face and pulled her into his lap. She allowed herself a moment to just breath in his scent, feel his warmth and bask in Bruce.
“I’m sorry.” Toni said into the fabric of his shirt. He’d worn the yellow shirt. It was her favorite, the one he’d worn the day Loki was sent back to Asgard. Cheerful, warm, and just a little tight on him. Bruce froze underneath her. “What did you say?”
“I said I’m sorry, Bruce.”
Bruce titled his head, an expression of confusion on his face. It was a look Toni was intimately familiar with. He often wore it in the lab, when he was trying to figure out a particularly difficult problem. “What are you apologizing for?”
Hysterical laughter bubbled out of Toni’s mouth. She shoved herself out of his lap and shot to her feet. “Are you kidding me? Did we just not see the same doctor? Because what I just saw was someone telling me that I’ll never be able to give you children. That’s what happened to me today.”
Bruce came slowly to his feet, holding his hands out, like Toni was a spooked animal that was going to bolt at the first sudden movement.
“Toni, I know that this is a shock, but we both just need to calm down-“
“Fuck that!” Toni grabbed a decanter off the bar and chucked it at the nearest wall. It exploded in a shower of glass.
“I’m not going to be calm. I don’t get how you’re a robot right now. Do you even care? Or was this just the out you were looking for? Oh, oh, oh, I see now. This just works out so perfectly. Gives you a nice convenient excuse to leave. Toni’s got busted plumbing so no hard feelings, but I’m gonna go look for a newer, younger, non-defective model. Is that what this is?”
Bruce actually took a step back, his eyes flashing green, betraying how hard he was trying to hold onto his composure. “You think I’d leave you over this? Why would I end us over something like this, Toni?”
The dam broke. “Because I’m broken!! I’m broken, Bruce! I can’t do the one thing, the one thing that a woman is supposed to be able to do. Women have children. It’s the continuation of the species. No children, no future. I’m a futurist, Bruce. I look forward at all the possibilities that lay before humanity and at the very core of that is children and I can’t even do that right. It’s just one more thing that I’ve failed out. Don’t know why I thought this would be any different. See, this this this,” Toni was sobbing now, the words getting harder to push out. “This is why I can’t have nice things, Bruce. I’m broken. And I’m sorry, I’m so, so, so, sorry.”
Her legs gave out and Toni stretched herself out on the tile floor, sobs wracking her frame. Bruce lay down next to her, curling his larger frame around hers. “You’re not a failure, Toni. To me, you are perfect. You are not broken. You’re only broken if you let yourself be. We will get through this. We are going to take some time and we are going to mourn this loss. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt so bad that there are going to be days that we won’t want to get out of bed and days where seeing other people with babies is going to ignite a ball of pain that will threaten to consume you. It’s not fair. It’s not. It’s never going to be fair. But we will get past this. We will. Together, we will.”
“Bruce, how do we even begin to mourn this kind of a loss? How do you mourn for an idea, for possibilities? How do you mourn for a life that never had a chance at being created or lived? I don’t know how to mourn a dead dream.”
“One day at a time. That’s how you mourn.” Toni allowed Bruce to carry her downstairs to their bedroom, to undress her and tuck her into bed. It’s the middle of the night when Toni finally awakens. Bruce’s side of the bed is cool. He’s been gone awhile. Toni pulled on a robe and headed down the hall, thinking perhaps Bruce needed some alone time in his lab when a sound from the opposite bedroom captures her attention. It’s coming from the room that had meant to serve as a nursery. She pushes the door open calling for Bruce as she does so. Instead of her scientist, it’s the Hulk who sits alone in the large room. He glances over his shoulder at her and Toni realizes with a jolt that the green behemoth is crying/i>.
“Hey, buddy. What’s wrong?” It’s never been totally clear how much of Bruce remains during a transformation. Hulk has calmed over the years, he’s gentler, follows orders better. He knows friend from foe and has always been protective of Toni.
Hulk holds out his hand. Cradled gently in his palm is a baby doll.
Oh
Maybe Hulk understands more than Toni ever gave him credit for.
“Hulk would have been gentle. Hulk would have loved baby.”
Now they are both crying. “Hulk sad, Toni.”
“I know, buddy. Me too. Me too.”
Three years later
It had taken time. A lot of time. Bruce had been right. There were days that were so painful that they just wanted to crawl into bed and never come out. When Pepper and Happy had announced their pregnancy, it wasn’t that Toni and Bruce weren’t happy for them, it’s just that they wanted that too. Eventually, they began to talk about other ways to try for a family. Their doctor mentioned surrogacy. Toni immediately shut that idea down.
“For a lot of people, that’s an option. It’s a great option. It’s just. I want it to be all our kid or all someone else’s. I don’t want it to be halfway.” Bruce understood Toni’s feeling about another woman carrying his child.
Finally, they decided to adopt. Toni had several freak outs, mostly involving the home study. The process was long and trying, with several false starts and a match that feel through at the last minute. In the end, it took two years from the day they completed their home study before a call came into the tower. Pepper came running into the lab, waving the phone over her head. Toni and Bruce both looked up her entrance.
“It’s time. She’s in labor.” The drive to the hospital was the longest in Toni’s life. Finally, they arrived and were escorted to a waiting room. After hours of labor, a doctor poked his head out. “She’s here. Would you like to come and meet your daughter?” With shaking hands, Toni and Bruce were allowed into the recovery room. Their birth mother, Angie, reclined in the bed, her hair plastered to her forehead. She looked exhausted, but happy. Cradled in her arms was a tiny bundle. She motioned them forward, took a deep breath, and then passed the child into Toni’s arms. “This is your daughter.”
“Hello there, Miriam. I’m Toni. I’ve, ah, I’ve waited for you forever. Welcome to the world, beautiful girl.” After a few minutes, Toni passed her off to Bruce, who sat in a chair and stared in wonder at the life in his hands. Angie smiled a watery smile from the bed.
“Why Miriam?” she asked.
Toni grinned, looking at Bruce. “It means long-awaited child. You’ve given us the bravest, most selfless gift someone can give to another human being. You gave us a life.”