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It was easy, in her confusion and lack of a real choice, to pick and point at whatever boy her sister noticed. It wasn't entirely on purpose; wasn't something that she thought much of at the time. This is what girls must like was her reasoning, with her sister as the main specimen. If she was copying someone else's answers, she couldn't be wrong.
"Oho, that rowdy guy?" Kyou had laughed, giving her an approving side-eye. This made Ryou offer a small smile in return, feeling her face getting warm. Talking about this was embarrassing and she was so, so afraid of somehow being inadequate, lacking. She had noticed her sister looking at the guy whenever he was around, making little comments about his actions and appearance, so naturally she pointed at him, someone she knew she had to like. Her sister's approval has always meant more to her than any boy.
"You're even in the same class! That's a good thing, you can become friends easily. I'll help you out."
"Ahah, that's great..."
Ryou thought that the conversation was over and that the whole thing would end there. It didn't.
The first time Kyou had tried to play matchmaker, it ended up horribly: the encounter awkward and loud, ending with Kyou yelling and throwing things and Ryou herself coming very near tears. The boy was an intimidating, foreign existence, with or without her sister's help. This is just out of her comfort zone, though, she told herself bravely; this is just like becoming the class president, or taking up basketball together that one time, scary because it's new. If she loosens up a little, it'll be different.
Her sister was saying the same thing.
"Come on, open up! Just talk to him, don't be afraid."
Ryou didn't really want to talk to him. This Okazaki was rude, insensitive and completely disinterested in whatever either of them had to offer, and Ryou felt uneasy around him. But, this could mean she'd start to like him, right? This could be the butterflies in her chest that she'd heard so much about; sweet anticipation, a nervousness that meant that you want to be together. Ryou hated the feeling in her chest, but that could only mean that she's not used to it, not trying hard enough. It's just being scared of the unknown, afraid of change. Ryou knew that about herself: she was awful with change.
So she did some thinking and self examining, trying to see him in a different light, and even calculated their astral charts compatibility with Okazaki's personal data that Kyou took from the teacher's office. Her fortune telling was usually wrong, so the result didn't matter, but she did it and that's what matters. She'd come to love him, she thought, for her own sake, and for her sister's happiness.
But, my sister likes him too, occurred to her way later than it probably should have. Kyou wanted to be with him, too, didn't she?
But, Kyou put so much effort into helping her get close with him, making sure Ryou gets what she wants. This was how her sister showed love: she did things for people. Ryou couldn't possibly turn around and trample all over that. This was her own fault, too, for making a small comment that ended up getting blown out of proportion, for being a late bloomer in the first place.
Ryou just hoped that she'd actually start blooming sometime soon.
"There is someone that wants to confess to you," Okazaki told her, and Ryou was taken aback, slightly surprised that anyone was interested in her.
She didn't think much of it at the time. She would just refuse as gently as she could, she decided. She had someone she liked, after all.
So she went along with it, idly wondering if Okazaki acted so aloof in order to make her jealous. Maybe that's what was happening here, and he really did like her, and was waiting to see how she would react. Love games were so foreign to her, all of this back and forth between men and women that seemed to come so naturally to everyone else she knew.
For all her lack of expectations though, she certainly didn't expect what she saw: a figure smaller than she was, thin wrists and hands nervously rubbing against each other, neatly pressed skirt and slightly ruffled hair. The other girl looked up at her with a determined shine in her eyes, bracing through her shyness.
Suddenly, Ryou found herself speechless, thrown off kilter. This was not allowed, was it? This was not- proper-
"Is something wrong?"
"Ah, no, it's just- I didn't know it would be a girl," Ryou finally managed to say, not knowing how to proceed.
"Is a girl no good?" The stranger- Nagisa- asked her, appearing to be somewhat confused.
Looking deeply inside herself, Ryou knew that she had every right to say that. It's true; why would it matter?
She'd heard about things like this being disgusting before, of course, about it being unnatural and wrong. Still, right then, standing there and looking at this brave girl trying to ask her out, any notion of that sentiment faded in her mind without even being properly formed. Because, what was so disgusting about this? What was so wrong about liking another person? She was being confessed to by someone really cute. The fact made Ryou feel flattered and a little warm.
It all seemed so simple all at once, standing on that roof.
"Would you... would you..." Nagisa started, stumbling a little over her words.
"Yes..." Ryou replied without thinking, stepping closer to the other girl. She could feel Nagisa's breath, almost, finally joining hands with her and thinking, Oh, thinking, So, this is what it feels like-
"Would you help me form a theater club?" Nagisa finished breathlessly.
Ryou paused. "What?"
The rest of it was a mess of characteristically large proportions, confusing and loud, her sister throwing books around, Okazaki clutching his stomach as he laughed himself silly about Ryou's naivety, not stopping even as he got hit by one of the projectiles. It was true, she really was naive. She shouldn't have believed him in the first place.
But, the incident threw her off; got her thinking.
The whole time during that false confession and the comedy of errors of Okazaki's making, Ryou was completely calm. She'd been thrown into a daze of sorts, no trace of her usual nervousness, no reluctance that she normally felt when she thought of dating.
This was probably because they were both girls, she tried to rationalize. Her lack of nerves was simply a result of the fact that there wasn't any chance of it being actually real; it wasn't serious like it would have been with a boy. That must have been the reason she didn't clam up with the mention of romance the way she usually would.
But, Ryou thought of Nagisa's pretty face, of the way her hair twirled against the rooftop wind, her cheeks flushed with absolute earnestness as she was trying her best to phrase her question. It made Ryou's heart flutter; made her want to protect this girl, hold her in her arms, give her all she's asking for and more. The instinct came as naturally as anything she's ever felt.
Oh, no, Ryou thought.
Her sister didn't really stop, after that. Of course she didn't- she couldn't have known something that was only Ryou's internal pondering, a realization that she never shared with anyone upon having it. In reality, nothing factual has changed.
Except, now Ryou knew. That was what changed.
She knew, and it hurt, and she couldn't move it past her lips. She couldn't even write it down, mortified that she would disappoint her sister if she put her feelings out there, made them become real. But, they were real now, in the way she couldn't deny: as mortifying as the thought of having a boyfriend was, the thought of dating a girl was exciting, felt right in a way that she couldn't put any other way than just that.
And once she considered the possibility of being with her, she could now barely look Nagisa in the eye without her heartbeat speeding up, couldn't hold her soft hand without wanting more.
The fact that she was getting closer with Okazaki didn't help at all; it made her confused, frustrated, made her want to be closer with him for the sheer power of secondhand wish fulfillment. She didn't wish to be him, but wished for the gentle way he held Nagisa's shoulders, for the softness in the girl's eyes when she looked at him, unlike the way she looked at anyone else. It made her feel terrible.
It made her realize that she could never date Okazaki, not even if she came to like him for real, not if it made Nagisa sad.
It didn't seem like Kyou was intending to stop anytime soon, though. If anything, the more time Okazaki spent around Nagisa, the more forceful Kyou got, pushing Ryou into situations where she'd bump shoulders, exchange hopefully-heated glances with their shared friend.
That's what he was, wasn't he? That's what they've grown to be. They'd become friends somewhere along the way, somehow, their strange group of the socially unaccustomed, sweet disasters and damaged goods. Kyou would likely argue that she wasn't one, that neither of the twins had anything wrong with them, but Ryou suspected that even she knew it to be false. Both of them were lonely and strange, and didn't know how to connect with other people.
They were friends. The fact made her feel happy and warm in a way that had nothing to do with romance. After school and during breaks, Ryou would spend her time with a girl she liked and a boy that she wanted to like, a genius lost in her own lonely world, a boy earnestly dedicated to wasting time, and with her own sister, who did things diligently, with vigor, her sister who started it all.
(There was someone else there; a young girl older than her who would walk awake while sleeping somewhere else and sleep awake on her feet. Ryou would remember her in time, but not now, not yet.)
The hedgehog that slept in her lap never seemed uncomfortable, had never stung her with his prickly exterior. Ryou felt like there was a metaphor there, an explanation dripping poetry, just under the tip of her tongue.
Kyou didn't stop.
It was becoming more unbearable to her, now. This might've been because of how Ryou now knew it would never work, or because the attempts were getting more forceful, desperate. Kyou really wanted her to have this, wanted to push her onto this boy and be happy, for gods' sake, wanted it with a frustration far worse than anything Ryou felt about the matter, and a bitter disappointment which would follow every failure.
Ryou wanted to tell her. Wanted to ask her for the reason why she herself doesn't try. Kyou was closer to Okazaki in the first place, and actually loved him, genuinely, the way Ryou never could, no matter what she said or did to prove otherwise.
Maybe this was why. Doing it herself was too embarrassing, would make her too vulnerable, and giving her sister something she wanted to have was so much easier.
Making excuses against her sister's requests sometimes helped, and sometimes didn't. He's busy now, look, she would say, we're intruding, let's give them some space. They were as empty as anything, but what else could she do?
Okazaki continued being disinterested, which also helped, because it gave Ryou another excuse to not even try. She never wanted to try, from the start, not for herself, but she loved her sister, and her sister cared so, so much. She loved their friend group and what they had, wanted to keep it forever just like that. And, she loved Nagisa.
"You're just too nice," Kyou told her, because she noticed, and misinterpreted what it meant. "You feel bad for Nagisa, so you don't want to go after the boy you both like. Who cares? It's not like they're dating."
It was true, and wasn't. Ryou felt bad, but not for Nagisa; she wanted one of them, but that person was never Okazaki. She was too nice - perhaps, this was debatable, because she didn't feel nice at all whenever she was thinking these things. Being too nice had made her cruel, because she couldn't bring herself to tell her sister the truth.
Can we talk about something else, she'd think every time Kyou broached that subject, and she'd never say that out loud but she would mention something else, classes or their plans, or the weather, or one of the new card tricks she learned, ones that never worked, her clumsy fingers spilling cards all over.
It had been so obvious. This was not a surprise.
It wasn't; not the way they were with each other. Okazaki's protectiveness and raw, naked devotion, or the way he looked at her, like she was the sole light that brightened his entire universe, a saving grace. The gratitude and warmth she gave in return, a certainty that she'd never let him go, as long as she lives, and after that, too. None of it was something Ryou was taken aback by. But the intensity of it, the openness that they showed in front of everyone- it touched her, stopped her in her tracks, brought her to the verge of tears.
None of them could ever compete with something like this, something so gentle and huge.
Kyou was furious. She often was, especially when Okazaki was involved, but this time her rage had a strong edge of helplessness in it. Her voice cracked when she charged forward anyway, futile as it was, desperate to stop this somehow.
This time, Ryou didn't let her.
She pushed back, figuratively and literally, perhaps for the first time in her life. She didn't want it anymore, any of it; didn't want to go along with something she hated, to force herself in the wrong direction, never wanted to stop her dear friends from having something wonderful. And she didn't want to let her sister hurt herself any longer, not for her, not for anyone. It was done; she was done.
"It's okay," she told Kyou as the two of them left, her eyes prickling, face scrunching up with a failing effort to keep it in. "It's okay," she said over and over, over her sister's own sobs, and, "I'm sorry," the two of them shaking in each other's arms. "I'm so sorry."
"You will have a wonderful love in the future," she told her on their way home. Kyou made a sound like she wants to say something, to protest against the claim, but didn't. "With someone who will cherish you like you deserve. Don't try to push things for my sake when you meet him, okay?"
"Ryou..."
Ryou smiles. "And don't worry about it. I'm okay."
"You sure?" Kyou asks. "I..."
Ryou nods. "I can fight my own battles."
Her sister was silent for a long time before speaking up again.
"I don't know how to. I... You've always- always been shy, and more sensitive than I am, and- how could I just leave you alone? And you liked him too, so why couldn't I help you have him? Why couldn't I just give you this one thing? It's not like I..."
Her hands were balled in fists, words tripping over each other in a way very uncharacteristic for her, trying to verbalize something that even she didn't seem to completely understand herself. Ryou wanted to tell her so many things, to reassure, promise, to change something, everything. She wanted to say something that would allow them to go back and start over from the beginning, shape things into something that makes sense. She wanted to change herself, but that wasn't possible, was it?
"I like girls," she said.
She left it like that, didn't follow it up with anything. There wasn't anything else she could say.
Kyou spent a few seconds just looking at her. She opened her mouth, then closed it, understanding; her hand falling to the side, palms now loose. "Oh."
There's another moment, silence filled with racing thoughts, looking back on everything. She was sure that her behavior was really obvious, embarrassing, when looked at under this light. She wanted to kiss girls. She wanted to kiss Nagisa, even though she knew, she knew she never could. She had been lying to her sister, talking about boys, hiding it from everyone, and now she knew. Nothing would ever be the same.
"Do you still love me?" Ryou had to ask, suddenly a little terrified. She'd kept this in so long, and now that it was out, had fallen out so easily, she couldn't change or retreat; couldn't do anything but look at it, small and large and ugly, a part of her that she could never change.
Kyou kept staring, confused, realizing. Once she did, she shook her head with something like disbelief, and Ryou could catch a glimpse of the emotions on her face for a moment before being scooped up in her sister's arms, vision restricted by shoulders and flowing, violet hair.
"Of course I love you, you dummy," Kyou said.
Her tone was so clear, so matter-of-factly, that Ryou nearly burst into tears once again, hearing it. She took one shaky breath, overcome with relief.
"Sorry I didn't tell you."
Kyou huffed, hugging her tighter.
"I'm sorry too, you know. For everything. For not noticing."
"When I like someone for real, I will tell you, I promise," Ryou said softly. "So you should tell me too, okay?"
Kyou didn't answer anything out loud, but Ryou felt her nod into her shoulder.
They took a while, after that, before they went home. They sat on a park bench and stayed there until the sky got darker, the shadows longer. Someplace in the city, Okazaki and Nagisa were together, coming down from it all, tiptoeing around the ever-obvious knowledge that they were each other's home. Someplace else, the rest of their friends were probably talking about it, about them, surprised by the drama that some of them might not have even noticed going on.
Still, no one they knew was here; no one passed by the place at the park where they were sitting. Ryou was glad. She wasn't feeling like people yet, she herself coming down from what happened.
She liked girls, and her sister knew. Ryou said it out loud, made it real, and the world didn't break.
For a long time the two of them sat at that park bench, breathing easier, talking about life more openly than they have in years, like they used to when they were little girls.
"And to think I was the one that got teased for being bi!" Kyou said at some point, laughing. "It's because you're the more feminine one, no one even thought about you."
"That's not true!" Ryou protested. "You're feminine too! You're just more confident."
"...But, you know," Kyou said eventually, fiddling with the hem of her shirt, "I'm not sure if I am. Bi, I mean. I need to think about it more." She looked to the side, her face a little red. "Some girls are pretty awesome."
This time, it was Ryou's turn to gape at her sister.
On their way back, Ryou was mostly silent, emotions and images flashing through her head. Their friends, her sister, all the shades of love and like and the ways it can get complicated, when really, it's pretty simple. This will all look silly to them, she was certain, sometime in the future that her cards have never let her see. Maybe it was a good thing they didn't.
They will be okay.