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When Nagito discovered his boyfriend cheating on him, he didn't feel angry because of the betrayal or jealous because of the cheating, but rather sad because he already knew that it was destined to happen sooner or later.
It was a cool night when he saw it. Most of them were sitting around a campfire on the beach, so he got worried when he noticed that Hajime wasn't around, especially since he knew that he was dressed in a short-sleeved shirt. Nagito got up to look for him to offer him his jacket, since he had planned to stay around the fire and, if Hajime wanted to continue walking, he could shelter from the night cold. However, he didn’t expect to find him behind the main building, kissing Mahiru Koizumi.
At first he wanted to believe that his eyes were deceiving him, but there was no mistaking how she was biting his lip and he placed his hands on the redhead's shoulders affectionately. He didn't wait a second to run away from the scene.
He didn’t return to the others. He went straight back to his cottage, without taking back the things he left in Hajime's when they decided to move in together. He got between the sheets and, once he was wrapped up like a roll, he began to cry.
He had hoped that Hajime would be different, that the world would allow him to keep something he appreciates to his side. He supposed it was impossible. Not his dog, not his parents, not his life when it was still worth it, not Hajime either. He was always destined to lose him, he always knew it, but he didn't want to accept it until he saw it with his own eyes.
It had already been several days in which Nagito noticed the glances between the redhead and Hajime. She always started them, and Hajime frowned at her. He thought it was because she was being annoying, but his boyfriend is too nice for a gesture like that. He was probably just trying to warn her not to be so obvious, right?
And of course Hajime Hinata is kind! He is the most compassionate, generous, attentive and caring person Nagito has ever met (an afterthought told him that he didn't know many people either). Cheating on Nagito was something normal, something that anyone would or should do without remorse or guilt. Nagito knew that he was nothing more than a toy, a stepping stone, a scum born to be used by others and then thrown away.
When would Hajime tell him? When would he leave him? Like the kind soul he is, maybe he didn't want to finish so as not to hurt Nagito. The albino smiled at the idea. He didn't care if Hajime looked for other people, even if he didn't love him. As long as he pretended to be next to him, Nagito could live in that lie happily. He would try to ignore his fear that the illusion would end and they would live together, just as they had for the past two years, ever since they woke up from the simulation.
The only thing he cared about was making Hajime uncomfortable by forcing him to act sweet around him, something the brunette was probably tired of.
A couple of knocks on the door distracted him. He didn't answer, but the door opened and the person turned on the light.
“Nagito?”
There was. Hinata, with his prickly hair ruffled by the wind, his heterochromatic eyes tinted with concern, and a slight shiver from the cold, witnessed the pathetic form of an albino wrapped in sheets crying for stupid reasons.
“Hey, what's up?”
He approached carefully, as if he didn't want to scare him. Komaeda smiled a little at the thought of his boyfriend (if he could still call him that) caring (or pretending to care) as much about something like him.
“Sorry, Hajime, it's nothing. I'm just tired.”
The brunette sat on the bed next to him and gently stroked his fluffy hair. It was clear from his face that he had not believed the lie. “Have you had dinner yet?”
Nagito thanked him for not continuing to insist on the reason behind his tears and answered more calmly. “Yes. With the others. At the campfire”
“Do you want me to stay with you?”
The words stuck in the back of his throat, even as he wanted to tell him not to worry, to go have fun with the others. All he could whisper was a weak "yes."
And he didn't care if Hajime didn't love him. If he acted this affectionately, it was fine, it was enough for him. He just wanted to be by his side, even if it was all fake. After all, he was an expert at living in fragile illusions.
The next morning, Hajime woke him up with a beaming smile, a good morning kiss, and a fresh breakfast. Even if that was part of the usual routine, Nagito felt more grateful than ever. Though a little bittersweet feeling lingered inside him.
There wasn't a single day that Hinata treated him differently. His morning routine was as loving and sweet as it ever was.
The rest of the day was spent away from each other. Each one had their work and they met again at mealtimes. Noon was shared with the rest of the ex-remnants, while dinners were made more personal, more intimate.
There was one night when Nagito decided to cook dinner and make kusamochi for dessert. For a few hours, he was able to forget about reality and get totally drunk on the fantasy that Hajime still loved him. The brown-haired man looked at him with such affection and admiration that his security faltered, he filled him with praise and kind words, he took care of him and loved him with such respect that Nagito preferred to die rather than wake up from that illusion.
So the days passed. Hajime never broke that facade, scaring the albino more and more. He knew that the day he decided to end it all would be the worst day of his life. He would miss his caresses, his hugs, his words, his affection, his smiles, his touches, his sweetness, his laughter, his little mania, his jokes, his love...
Even just thinking about it made tears fall.
And that was why he decided to end it all himself.
It had been a month since he found out the truth. The first few days were cold between Hajime and Mahiru, Nagito could feel the tension. But little by little they got closer again, as if they didn't care to continue pretending, as if Hajime knew that Nagito didn't mind that he had someone else. It hurt to think that Hajime believed it, because it really wasn't true and Komaeda was just trying to convince himself.
It was the day he found Hinata on the beach next to Koizumi, smiling at each other, playing with the water, drenching their clothes and with a happiness born of making the other happy, that he decided to abandon the illusion. Surely Hajime was tired of pretending, and Nagito shouldn't force him to do something as unpleasant as showing feelings for someone like him.
He returned to his cottage, walking at a slow pace and enjoying the breeze as if it would be the last time. He knew that living without Hajime after experiencing love would be difficult, but he was not going to give up. After all, he promised her that he would strive to live.
He locked himself away for a full hour, writing and rewriting a message for his lover. He was a coward and he didn't dare say it to Hajim’s face, so he decided to record his feelings in a note and leave it at chestnut's cabin.
Hajime, I'm so sorry that I haven't been the boyfriend you deserved. I’ve been happy each of the days that I have spent by your side, and I’m deeply grateful to you for teaching me what it’s to love and be loved.
You are an amazing person, and that’s why I release you from me. You must shine and I don't want to keep getting in your way.
When I saw you kiss Koizumi-san, I thought my world would fall apart. However, I realized that this was not the case. I was happy, because I knew that she would make you much happier than I ever could. I knew I could never be the person you need, and I’m glad I realized before it was too late.
I appreciate that all this time you’ve been worried about me, but I’ll be fine, I’ll take care of myself and I’ll stop being a burden to you.
I hope you can forgive me one day for chaining you up all this time.
With love,
Nagito Komaeda.
He wasn't sure of the ending, but he knew that if he crossed it out he would spend another hour reviewing the contents. He had to leave it that way, hand it over and run before it was too late. Before someone could stop him.
He mentally thanked when he entered the chestnut’s cabin and didn't see him there. He left the letter neatly folded on the bed and hurried to flee to the place of so many memories and pain, the place where he already committed suicide once.
The road was lonely and silent. It was starting to get dark, so he could hear some birds chirping before going to sleep. It was as if they were saying goodnight to each other, taking care of each other like a herd and worrying about they all. He wanted to be like them, he wanted to be accepted by his classmates, he wanted not to be sick and not to obsess over things, he wanted to understand others, he wanted to be understood, he wanted to be normal. But he knew that wishing for something didn't make it come true, and he knew that his wishes were impossible.
He arrived at the warehouse and lay down on the floor, in an attempt to recreate his own death. This time there were no strings, no music, no monokuma, no knife, no poison, no spear. Just a cold, hard floor and the lingering smell of dust. He thought about what he had just done and thought it was dying: he had just left the only person who seemed to care about him. Without him, he was alone on that island. Again, no one cared, no one was going to take an interest in him, no one would kiss him good morning or worry about his habits or care. He expressly swore that he would take care of himself, but the weight of reality reminded him that it was very difficult to keep his word when there was no one waiting at the end of the road to congratulate him on his efforts.
Nagito isn't sure when he had fallen asleep. But he knows that he was awakened by a sudden movement. Someone was waving him as he said his name out loud, almost like a broken, desperate cry.
He opened his eyes and was surrounded by great warmth. Hajime's familiar smell managed to appease the thoughts that wanted to explode in his head. He began to caress his brown hair, so absorbed that he didn't remember that hours ago he had finished with the object of his caresses.
“God Nagito... Damn it! Don't ever scare me like that again… Never! Please…”
Nagito broke the hug when he noticed tears on his shoulder. Seeing Hajime cry reminded him why they were in a dirty warehouse and not in his fluffy bed. And as much as he wanted to end whatever was between them, he couldn't leave Hinata in that state. He couldn't, he wouldn't forgive himself.
“It's okay, Hajime, nothing happened, everything’s fine.”
“It’s not! What the hell was that letter?! And why are you lying here?! I… Nagito, when I saw you I really thought you had… again… I couldn't bear it… not again…”
No more words were needed. The albino knew exactly what he was talking about because, after all, his plan was to lie there to feel dead again, because his actions had led him to a dead end where only loneliness and sadness remained.
But why couldn't Hajime just admit that he loves Koizumi instead of playing dumb? Nagito didn't want to say it out loud, because otherwise he would feel it much more real than it already was. He felt embarrassed and pathetic, so he just kept stroking the older man's back in an attempt to comfort him.
“I want you to talk to me when you feel bad, when you’re insecure. I promise I'll help you, but don't keep it all to yourself. I don't want to see you dead in this warehouse again, do you hear me?”
Then, Hajime's tears stopped falling and Nagito squeezed his eyes shut, trying to silence the sobs that came from his lips. It was the moment of truth, the moment in which Hinata would tell him that he should have confessed that he knew to end their relationship for the healthy and not for an overflow of bad feelings.
“I will never, ever, love anyone other than you, Nagito Komaeda.”
Those words surprised him. He wasn't expecting something like this.
“I didn't kiss Mahiru. She… you can say that she forced herself on me. I tried to get away, but I didn't know how to do it without hurting her. I’ve never loved her nor will I, I don't need anyone else when I have you.”
"H-Hajime... But this morning, you two..."
Hajime sighed, much calmer. Nagito loved his serenity. “She confessed that she never loved me. She said that she kissed me to find out if she liked men. She was in denial and opened herself up to it. Now she knows she loves someone else. I was just happy to see that she had accepted herself”
“I'm an idiot.”
Hajime hugged him a little tighter, assuring his presence and giving him greater closeness and comfort.
“Don't say that. It's not like that. You’re not a burden or a nuisance. I need you in my life, and without you I’d be nobody. If you ever feel like I don't love you again, tell me. I promise that I’ll prove to you in every possible way that my heart is only yours.
Love is powerful and Nagito knows it. He heard his safety in his voice and felt warm.
“I love you Hajime. Please don’t leave me.”
“I love you, Nagito, I would never change you, for anything in the world.”