Chapter Text
Stardate 2245.113
The modest house Spock’s immediate family lived in was part of a larger walled complex where all his extended family had at least one room of their own even if this was not their primary residence. He heard something odd and looked outside, catching a quick glint of polished metal through a window as a drone of strange design darted swiftly in the air above his clan’s estate. At fifteen standard years of age, Spock’s territorial and protective instincts had begun to manifest in earnest, and he was not entirely in control of those instincts yet. In fact, he had just begun the traditional 40-day period of introspection free from all responsibilities outside the estate to strengthen his family bonds and quiet the territorial paranoia that affected all young males at this stage. It was an innocent prelude to the possessiveness and aggression of full sexual maturity, and his father seemed pleased that his development was on time and completely normal by Vulcan standards despite his human blood. This milestone afforded him the right to the full knowledge of what pon farr was, and he was glad he did not have to contend with his school lessons while he was assimilating that information.
Spock walked slowly through his mother’s garden. He was currently alone, or as alone as someone with his social status ever was with the personal staff that kept the estate running. Everyone else in his clan was attending to their jobs, schooling, or other social obligations elsewhere for the day. He was meant to have a day of solitary quiet meditation focused on his clan's expectations, making future plans, and assessing his family bonds as he entered young adulthood. He was also supposed to choose what bonds would be best to let fade, such as those with more distant cousins he has little in common with, but he didn’t really have much choice in the matter. Most of his extended family already seemed content to let their bonds with him languish. This agitated his father, as he considered their choice illogical given Spock's academic successes and dedication to his clan, but Spock was well aware of their opinion of his hybrid status and had felt the bonds weakening for several years now. He was certain they would change their mind when he entered the VSA and accomplished something on his own, and then he could re-establish stronger bonds with those who valued him as an adult and an asset to his clan.
With all of this, it was not surprising he was compelled to survey the property for risks to his family despite the minimal chance of any danger coming from a malfunctioning delivery drone.
The scent caught his attention first. It smelled like family, like one of the priceless heirlooms in T’Pau’s wing of their estate. Something that had absorbed the pheromones specific to his bloodline and had been deliberately marked with incense made with specific herbs in a recipe that only members of the house of Surak knew how to make. Although, once he picked the item up, he realized the scent of the incense was slightly different. Very close, too close to be a different clan’s scent, but with the artificial undertone that he associated with synthesizers or lab-created perfumes. Still, the pheromones were correct, so it was certainly a blood relative. The package was addressed to him, a simple sheet of rough paper wrapped around a hardbound book and secured with twine, dropped into the garden by the malfunctioning drone from enough height that it indented deeply into the soft garden soil. He suspected it was sent by Sybok at first, as he would have to synthesize the clan scent rather than use the carefully bred herbs grown here in the estate, but the handwriting on the paper wrapping was too unlike his disgraced elder brother’s. It looked far more like his own hand than anyone else’s, though of course, that was impossible. He also didn’t know who would send such a package other than Sybok. His extended family had gathered for a dinner party to help him renew his family bonds, as was traditional, so if any of them wished to share wisdom or guidance with him they could have done so just two days prior. He took the book back to his room and untied the wrapping, expecting some sort of philosophical or historical text. He sat, stunned, for a full three-point-six minutes as he read and re-read the title of the book.
The Tragedy of Compulsory Heteronormativity Among Vulcan Males: Wasteful Death and the Mental Health Crisis of Improper Bonding. An in-depth analysis of societal ills by Sevat son of Sird.
Most of the time Spock spent staring dumbly at the book was utilized to pull the root logograms of the unfamiliar term ‘heteronormativity’ apart and discern its meaning. When he was certain he couldn’t be understanding the title correctly, he opened it to the forward to read the four-page summary of the book’s premise. The book was written slightly more than three centuries ago, though this particular copy seemed brand new. The forward began with several definitions for “basic terms adapted from Human and Orion languages, as was necessary, to fill the lack of specific technical terminology related to sexuality and mating in the Golic language which this text will expand upon and further define.” It then went on to say: “The strength of the taboo on the topic of pon farr and dearth of research done into the instinctual impulses that rule the Vulcan heart have robbed us of the ability to even discuss such topics with any accuracy outside of metaphors specific to one's own clan without the creation of new terms, which this book seeks to establish alongside its criticism of certain strict requirements forced on unwilling Vulcan males by their families.”
Spock’s mind cast back to the scolding he received from T’Pau over the deplorable state of his betrothal bond. He did not think anyone had overheard; his clan mother had taken him into her own private suite to meld with him and assess his development. Spock did not think the fault was his own. T’Pring did not care for his company and made it clear that the low chance he would be able to father children even with significant medical intervention made him a categorically unfit mate for any female. She repeatedly implied that he should expect to suffer loneliness, which he now understood to mean she expected him to die during his pon farr as she would refuse him. He told his grandmother this, and the matriarch grew contemplative. After a time, she advised him that the creation of a child that was technically his half-brother was a viable option his father had prepared and frozen the necessary material for, should he and his bonded desire full-Vulcan children, and that their family could well afford the more severe intervention that a proper blood child would require. He was instructed to remind T’Pring of these facts, which she should already be aware of, and emphasize his academic successes and other valuable traits upon their next arraigned outing.
Spock had never, not even for a moment, considered bonding with another male. It wasn’t done. Mating was for the purpose of procreation. How would two male bodies work on a mechanical level? He couldn’t begin to imagine where he might put… or if the other would perhaps… How? He needed to know.
Bonds certainly could form between companions and coworkers of the same sex, should they become close in their personal lives as well as their work. He knew that, but he was taught those weren’t romantic. There were many types of connections between people, and not all of them proper bonds. It couldn’t be the case where… and surely it wasn’t possible for a purely platonic relationship to satisfy such instincts?
Spock read the book in its entirety in a single sitting. Halfway through, he found a note advising him that while the book was not considered illegal, it was considered heretical by some and banned from nearly all libraries and other public resources. It had never been digitized, and if he wished to perform further research he should take care what terminal he used and what terms he used when searching various databases. By that point in the text, he did not care if the book was heretical. He identified too strongly with too many of the concepts the author put forward.
Spock studied the two included provocative illustrations provided for the purpose of assessing one’s inner self that the note was placed between. He concluded that he was not strongly compelled by the female form. As for the other image, he could also not say he was compelled by it. Not exactly, but he would admit to being less indifferent to the male form. Perhaps he had no strong preference, or was yet too early in his development to experience such things from an illustration alone?
He did often feel unmoored and lonely, suffering from a lack of childhood connections he should have made with his peers which the author considered an early cause of mental health issues. He had always attributed his difficulty with his emotions to his mother’s blood, but perhaps he also did not have enough support from minor, casual telepathic contact with more distant family and peers that the average Vulcan had in abundance. Of course, the strongest bond was the marriage bond, and it was essential for every adult Vulcan to be so bonded. However, the youth relied almost entirely on their parental bonds and abundant weaker social connections with their peers. The author suggested that such weak connections were supremely natural and instinctive, and it was logical to assume that modern betrothal bonds once grew almost spontaneously when two highly compatible children became fond of one another as they grew into adolescence. There was deep censure for the isolation caused by the reduction of cooperative sport and group efforts in Vulcan schools at the time, though it was noted that this lack had already been criticized widely and would clearly be corrected soon given current public opinion - current meaning three hundred years before Spock’s birth.
Spock couldn’t help but feel the author had been greatly mistaken with that prediction.
The book even addressed the difference between the upper and lower classes, something that was more pronounced (according to his history lessons) before Surak’s teachings were re-discovered - an event that occurred well after this book was authored. At least at the time of writing, among the lower classes it was common for Vulcans to form family-like bonds with long-time coworkers while the more reserved upper classes found such platonic bonds a distasteful display of undisciplined emotion. The author posited that some of the scandalous or controversial actions of the upper class, which the author was clearly not a part of, were driven in part by their isolation since all such bonds provide stability and comfort in times of distress. Having more of those lesser bonds was beneficial to mental health, provided none of the bonds were in conflict. Marital bonds arranged only for political reasons with little care for the personalities involved led to mental instability when those bonds became strained or even failed, even when the two were physically attracted to one another. Additionally, annulling a bad match was traumatic, and the Vulcan mind suffered between the loss of one bondmate and the acquisition of another. This rarely affected the female Vulcan, as a dissatisfied woman could call for a challenge during her mate’s next pon farr and move from one male to another with her old bond severed by the death of her first mate only moments before the new one was established. For the male, it was much more difficult to rectify the situation, assuming it was even possible to convince the elders to allow it and that he had access to the mental health support necessary to survive such trauma.
Spock reminded himself that in this time period, melding was considered taboo. The book did not specify the method of annulling a bond without a meld and he could not imagine what the procedure could possibly be. He thought that perhaps some of the phrases were euphemisms for melding, the rest of the book was certainly bold enough that including references to other taboo subjects when necessary seemed logical. Since such euphemisms were no longer necessary Spock had never heard any of them before, but it was not too difficult to see that the author was trying to restrain his book to a single controversial topic without straying too far into a related taboo.
Concepts such as polyamorous arrangements were hard to contemplate, but the author shared vivid descriptions of four Vulcans - three male and one only described as ‘otherwise’ - who lived together in the deep desert with a harmonious home full of compromise and understanding. Less complex arrangements, such as a male with no mating drive at all outside of his cycle and two females who were more interested in each other’s bodies forming an arrangement, were more easily understood. These were merely side notes to the main topic of discussion: homosexual male Vulcans who were forced by the traditions surrounding pon farr to take female bondmates that they did not cherish in the necessary way and therefore could not please. These young men would, almost invariably, be subjected to a challenge in their second cycle and die. Their lack of desire for their mate reduced their ferocity, essentially removing any edge that the fever provided them while still leaving them illogical and disoriented, and there was no official allowance for a male to choose another male to be with during his time no matter how sure of his preference he was.
According to the author, the leading cause of death in the century prior to the writing of the text for males more than two but less than five decades in age was “bonding failure” - a term that included death during pon farr, death from a broken marital bond or annulment, and suicide due to depression over a failing marital bond. Spock made a note in his PADD to look up the current statistics.
Spock’s assumption that the mating drive could not be satisfied by another male was deconstructed with ruthless logic across several chapters. There were many accounts of the fever being ended by the death of a challenger, which certainly provided no carnal satisfaction, especially in cases where the male did not greatly desire the female being fought over. Orgasm was entirely ancillary. Certainly, sex helped with the formation and maintenance of a strong marital bond, but it was not a necessary component. The continued existence of elder men or those with physical disabilities, who were no longer physically capable of such things yet still experienced their fevers, was also evidence that it was the bond itself that was of chief importance. Among the lower classes, there were secret places where pon farr was allowed what the author called “a more natural, less ritualistic setting” where young males could choose to be with or even fight over other males - and the fights were rarely to the death even when a woman was involved. In these less disciplined places, the intended was allowed to enter the arena and claim the victor once the outcome was obvious. The traditional reasoning that the intended would be harmed by combatants, even those with an honest desire for the claim, had “been disproved hundreds of times even just across the sparse publicly available accounts of otherwise perfectly proper ceremonies where the woman lost her composure and intervened, yet the restriction illogically persists nonetheless powered solely by the assurance of elders that it has always been so that a man will kill his beloved instead of being gentled by their touch.” The author instead proposed that this false narrative was the result of forced marriages between incompatible individuals, where injuries occurred only because the afflicted male didn't want the woman any more than she wanted him.
Spock found those descriptions extremely compelling. Men, stripped to the waist or further to encourage the use of touch telepathy, fighting until one was incapacitated. The one being fought over, in a similar state of undress regardless of gender, rushing forward to soothe the winner with gentle touch and effusive praise instead of standing stoic and still as a statue to the side while a murder is committed. Spock did not want to kill, he hated violence. He dreaded that his pon farr would cause him to harm others before he reached the sacred grounds, and even that he would harm his intended if he was sufficiently agitated in some way or if he continued to insufficiently cherish T’Pring. The descriptions his parents gave him were disturbing to him. Mother tried to temper the turmoil that his father’s lessons had caused and assured him with careful words that pain in certain contexts was not always unwelcome. The knowledge that his father did hurt his mother with his superior strength, no matter how consensual the actions were, did nothing to soothe his worries. The idea that he could be prevented from causing harm, that even in that illogical and violent state he could be turned by a gentle hand and a mind that understood his distaste for bloodshed, struck him to his core. It made him ache to know if these places had been abandoned in the centuries since, or if they still thrived even as Surak’s complete teachings were restored and their society reformed.
Spock hid the book, making a dust cover for it so he could conceal it on a shelf among other texts, photograph books, and mementos of his academic achievements. He knew he would need many hours of meditation on the concepts suggested by the text, and also on the implications related to a member of his family thinking he needed to read such a text. He would certainly need to re-read it to fully understand the book and would try to look up additional information about pon farr in general. While he was not certain his disinterest in T’Pring was because he identified as one of the alternate sexualities listed in the book, it could be a much simpler disinterest in one particular person and not her entire gender, it occurred to him that he could not rule out the possibility. He simply did not have enough data points. He didn’t have the faintest idea how he could acquire additional data points, but he was sure he would think of something once he settled his mind and properly assimilated the data he did have.
If all else failed, perhaps he’d ask his mother if she thought he was either homosexual or asexual. Since the terminology was derived from Human and Orion languages, both of which she was fluent in, she should be equipped to help him with his confusion over the terms and concepts. Even if the book was wrong to apply such alien concepts to Vulcan mating practices, he was half-human and could take after her side of the family in this matter. That would also explain his disquiet over the concept of pon farr in a perfectly logical way.