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Dazai’s mind rushed with intruding thoughts as he brought the cold blade to his skin and pressed particularly hard, slicing his skin open with a wince.
It hurt a lot, he’ll admit it, but he needed to do this. He had made Chuuya sad. And he had to punish himself for that.
He yelled at his lover just because he was stressed. He felt terrible. He shouldn't yell at someone for being stressed with something that isn’t even the other’s fault. It was his fault for overworking himself.
He deserved this. He was crude, a terrible person. He should have never yelled at Chuuya.
One cut. Three cuts. Eight cuts. Ten. It hurt so much, but Dazai couldn’t cry. Chuuya would hear him from outside the restroom door and get worried. He cares for him too much. Chuuya should have left him already.
But Dazai was unfortunate. He let out a choked sob, attempting to stifle it with his hand as he dropped the razor blade, the sharp metal clanging on the floor.
And then he heard it. There was a quiet gasp. Rapid footsteps were coming closer and closer by the second. And then there was a knock on the door.
“Dazai? Is everything alright in there?” Chuuya sounded worried.
“...” Dazai kept silent, hoping the chibi would leave him alone and let him finish up. But unfortunately, that was not the case.
“Dazai? Can I come in, buddy?” Chuuya’s voice was soft, but he still sounded quite troubled.
Dazai let out a quiet ‘no’ and slid to the floor, tears forming in his eyes. His wrists hurt. He hated pain. But he deserved this. He hurt Chuuya.
“Chuuya can’t come in!” Dazai called out lightly when Chuuya didn’t answer before.
“Dazai, baby, what are you doing in there? I heard something drop. I hear you crying in there. What’s going on?” Chuuya pushed more, he knew something was wrong, and he was going to fix it.
Dazai stayed silent this time, and Chuuya attempted to open the locked door, “Baby, let me in, please. I want to help you.”
Dazai sighed as he slowly stood up to unlock the restroom door, it immediately opened, and Dazai felt a warm embrace squeeze him tightly. But as soon as the hug started, it was over.
Chuuya looked Dazai up and down, stopping at his slit wrists and gasping, “Dazai! What did you do? Oh my god, baby, we have to patch you up! Sit down, sit down!”
As Chuuya was rushing to get the bandages and rubbing alcohol from the medicine cabinet, Dazai started to break down, the tears finally falling from his chocolatey eyes, “Is Chuuya mad at me?”
“No, no, no, baby! I’m not mad, I promise. But, I am kind of sad. Why did you do this? what happened? is everything okay?” Chuuya was more concerned than anything, and he was sad that his mackerel had relapsed after being clean for so long.
“I hurt Chuuya. I yelled at him. I made him mad. I’m sorry, Chuu. I wish I could be a better boyfriend. What the fuck is wrong with me..” He sobbed into his hands as he explained to the redhead how he felt, and Chuuya listened closely, very sad that Dazai thought that he hurt him.
Chuuya reached out gingerly for one of Dazai’s wrists and started to clean it, warning him that it might sting a little, “Listen stupid mackerel. You didn’t make me mad, okay? You were stressed, and that’s how you coped with it. Now it may not be healthy, but I can give you better ways to cope. But listen, I’m not mad. Listen, shitty Dazai. I love you so fucking much. Nothing will ever change that,” Chuuya’s eyes were starting to water now.
Dazai listened to his lover carefully, tears streaming down his face like a downpour now, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-”
“Mackerel! Stop apologizing. You don’t need to! You’re okay, it’s going to be okay,” By this time, Chuuya had finished wrapping up Dazai’s left wrist in bandages, and he moved to clean and bandage the right.
Dazai felt horrible. He felt so bad. Maybe he hurt Chuuya more by hurting himself than yelling at him. But he needed to punish himself. It's not okay to shout at your lover. People shouldn’t get after their lovers. That's fucking abuse. It wasn’t human to do that. But he wasn’t like the other humans, and he hated that. It was like he wasn’t an actual person. No longer human. Right? That was his ability anyways.
Dazai didn’t notice that he was full-on sobbing by now at his overthinking until Chuuya pulled him into a warm embrace after he finished bandaging his right arm. Chuuya held the brunette so close to his chest that Dazai thought he was about to explode.
The hug was definitely a surprise at first for Dazai, but after a moment, he realized what was going on and hugged Chuuya back, crying into his neck.
Chuuya let go of Dazai so he could get on his lap and hug him again, Dazai still taller than the redhead while sitting.
Chuuya leaned in slowly and pressed his chapped lips to Dazai’s soft ones, and he pulled away with a smile, going back to embracing Dazai, letting him cry it out for a little bit longer.
After about another 30 minutes of Dazai crying and Chuuya reassuring him that everything was going to be okay, Chuuya got up off Dazai’s lap and took his hand, gesturing for the taller man to stand up.
“do you want to go to bed, baby? We can cuddle if you want,” Chuuya said with one of his rare smiles, his beautiful blue eyes looking into Dazai’s with a look of reassurance.
Dazai nodded, a look of guilt on his face, “I’m sorry for making you worried about me. Chuuya must be disappointed..”
Chuuya walked him back into their shared bedroom and turned on a lamp that emitted soft lighting, “No, no, no, I’m not disappointed. I’m always happy to help. I wish I could’ve been there to help you before you did this to yourself.”
A sad smile came from Dazai as Chuuya handed him a hoodie with a fish on it, which is pretty ironic, considering his nickname, “Do you got it, or do you need help changing?”
“I think I need help.” Dazai answered a bit quickly, and Chuuya immediately nodded his head and helped Dazai unbutton his shirt and slip the hoodie over his head of messy hair, “Thank you.”
“Of course, shitty Dazai. Anything to help,” Chuuya smiled a genuine smile again, which was not something you see every day. Usually, it’s his stupid smirk, but this one looks kind and caring. And Dazai was all for it.
Dazai loved when Chuuya smiled this smile. Not the smirky rude one, but this genuine one. Dazai loved it with every ounce of his heart. It made him feel loved and wanted. And he loved it.
Chuuya took hold of the brunette’s hand and directed him to the king-size bed, which in Dazai’s viewpoint was pretty overkill, but oh well. It was a comfortable bed.
Chuuya got in after Dazai and hugged him from behind, being the big spoon for once. It wasn’t often that he was a big spoon when they cuddled like this. It was usually only on nights like these when he was. But Chuuya liked being a big spoon, it gave him a sense of protection. He felt like he was protecting his lover with all his might. It made Dazai feel safe under Chuuya’s hold.
He nuzzled his face into the back of Dazai’s neck and kissed between his shoulder blades, relaxing for sleep. He was protecting Dazai. His Dazai that he would love and cherish forever. And he was all for it.