Chapter Text
Rebecca’s period was late. She hadn’t seen it since the beginning of August. Right before the football season had begun. She had always been pretty regular, but she had expected that with age things may become a little more unreliable. When it was only a few days late she could ignore it. It had been due around their trip to Kansas in September and initially it had been easy to explain away. The stress of that whole period could easily be responsible for a slight delay.
A few days became two weeks. Two weeks became three. Still, she compartmentalized it and put thinking about it away to one side. She wasn’t ready to deal with the implications of her period becoming less regular. She was busy at work it was easy to distract herself and tell herself that she had nothing to worry about. As she passed four weeks late, it became a lot harder to tell herself that nothing was up.
It didn’t help that she felt constantly on the cusp of her period starting, as though she was living in a constant state of PMS. She felt on the verge of tears at every minor mishap, she had mild cramps and she was absolutely exhausted. Her breasts felt heavy and sore like they always did in the days before her period. But in spite of all this, her period just didn’t arrive.
She finally googled her symptoms one afternoon in work when she felt like she wanted to lock her office door and take a nap and found that they all were common with women entering the menopause. The word made her feel ill. She snapped her laptop shut.
She struggled to accept what was happening to her. She really couldn’t deal with it right now. She didn’t have the time to mourn the loss of her fertility, to accept this final push over the hill that would have her hurtling towards old age.
She couldn’t tell Ted. How can you tell your new boyfriend that you think you’ve hit the menopause? Things were so fresh and so exciting with Ted. How could she tell him and hope that he would still find her sexy and attractive rather than old and decrepit. The physical side of their relationship was so important to them. They both found each other incredibly sexy, neither of them tried to hide that. Rebecca didn’t want that to change. The way Ted saw her made her feel so desirable and confident, she needed that in her life. And what if this changed the way he saw her? She didn’t want him to view her as old or unsexy or have to deal with unflattering side effects.
She hated how much appearances mattered to her but unfortunately the people in her life had taught her that appearances were very, very important. Sometimes lessons ran too deep to be completely unlearned. Ever since her divorce she had come so far in building her confidence up. With the help of the people around her she had clawed back some self-love and self-respect.
But this new horrific reminder of her age and everything she had missed was threatening to destroy everything. She imagined Rupert parading around his new wife with her intact egg stores and normal hormone levels and contrasted that with the image of Ted stuck with her – an aging shell of a woman. She wished so much that she could be more for him, that she could offer him more. There was so much that a younger, less damaged woman could so easily give him that she just couldn’t.
Despite this, there was no one in the world she wanted to talk to about all this more than Ted. He would reassure her and chase away the darkness she was starting to let in. She knew that he could do that in seconds if she would let him. He would make her feel perfect and whole and entirely loved. He would tell her that all of her worries were ridiculous and unfounded and that he adored her no matter what. She knew he did. She was just so frightened of disappointing him.
If they had never taken the step towards deepening their relationship it would have been so easy to confide in him and allow him to make her feel better about all of this. But she couldn’t bear to tell him. Because unfortunately this now affected his life too. And she couldn’t let ‘no hope of ever having another child’ to be yet another thing that he would have to accept because he was in a relationship with her. She knew the chances had never been high, but she didn’t want to tell him that they were now zero.
Zero chances of children but instead how about a future dealing with her hot flashes and hormone pads and hair loss?
At the end of the day, she could obsess over the symptoms and side effects of menopause and bemoan the loss of her youth. But really there was one thing that really mattered to her in all this – children. God, she fucking wanted a child. It was like a constant ache inside her, a laceration in her soul that would just never heal. There was always some pregnant employee or random baby in the supermarket or TV show or something to remind her how much she wanted a child. She was bombarded at all times. She had learnt to live with it but that didn’t mean that it didn’t fucking hurt.
Being with Ted had allowed her to entertain the idea of maybe, somehow finding a way to have a child. She knew it was ridiculous but she hadn’t given up hope of being able to carry her own child – albeit with help. A child that was half hers, half his – she couldn’t imagine anything more perfect. But if this was really menopause then everything just became harder and less likely. And her and Ted had only been together for 3 months. How could she tell him that it was now or fucking never? And most likely it would be never.
The later her period became the more she withdrew from Ted. Ted was had noticed that something was wrong - something was clearly bothering her and that she was putting a lot of effort into hiding it. He wanted both to give her the space that she clearly wanted and coax a confession from her, not sure which was the best course of action. He knew that space was not Rebecca’s friend. It gave her too much time to work herself into a panic. But he couldn’t fix something if she wouldn’t let him.
They still saw each other all the time but she wasn’t as present. There was fear in her eyes that her smiles and laughs never quite erased. It hurt him to think that she felt like she couldn’t tell him what was wrong. That maybe she felt like he wouldn’t be able to help. He would give her time and love until hopefully it would convince her that he could be trusted with whatever was bothering her.
~
About a week after she had begun noticeably distancing, they sat in her living room eating dinner off their laps and curled up into each other. They had chatted but dinner had been more quiet than usual. Ted stood and lifted the plates from the coffee table, noticing that Rebecca had barely touched her food.
“I was gonna call Henry,” he said quietly. “Do you want in?”
She shook her head, never raising her eyes to meet his. “I’m sorry Ted. I’m not feeling great tonight. Give him my love?”
“Sure thing, angel. You OK?”
“Yeah, just tired. I’ll be fine Ted, you go ahead.”
Ted dropped the plates off in the kitchen before heading upstairs with his phone in his hand. His heart was aching watching her struggling. He didn’t know how to make this better and that was killing him. All he ever wanted was for the people around him to be happy and here he was with the love of his life miserable and him powerless to help. He reached the top of the stairs and realized that he couldn’t do nothing for much longer.
Rebecca listened as Ted’s footsteps disappeared up the stairs. She knew that she was pushing him away and that he could feel the distance she was forcing between them. She tried to be cheerful and chatty in his presence, but her stomach churned and her chest tightened when she looked at him and imagined the sympathetic face he would offer when she told him what was going on. The sympathetic face that would hide his disappointment. Disappointment that would eat away at both of them.
Her eyes stung as she imagined Ted growing to resent her. Subtly and slowly – she knew he wouldn’t blame her. But he would be disappointed by her, disappointed by the things they couldn’t have. And it wasn’t just Ted. She point blank didn’t want that for herself either. She did not want to be menopausal.
She needed more time. But there wasn’t more time. She and Ted had run out of time.
She wasn’t getting a baby. She wasn’t -
She was sweating. The living room suddenly very warm. She stood with a stumble and started towards the windows. An old familiar feeling washed over her chest, but she tried to ignore it. She needed to get to the windows and feel the cold air on her skin and breathe deeply. Her skin was prickling, and her vision was greying. The windows were jumping around, and she couldn’t reach them -
Ted reentered the room and saw Rebecca stumbling. He rushed to her side, panic tightening his own chest. He guided her back to her spot on the couch. She made no indication that she knew he was there. Her breaths were shallow and coming rapidly and there were beads of sweat on her forehead.
“Breathe, Rebecca.”
He saw something that resembled surprise flash across her features as she turned unfocussed eyes towards him.
“I’m here, angel. Everything is OK,” he said taking her hands hesitantly. He had never seen Rebecca this upset and he didn’t know what she needed. “It’s all OK. You just need to breathe.”
“It’s not OK,” she gasped, tears streaming down her face.
“I’m sure it is. Just focus on your breathing. Breathe with me. In…. Out…. In…. Out….” He took deep breaths and pressed his hands to her chest as he did. He could see her trying and her breaths started coming slightly more regularly.
“Little deeper, darlin’,” he whispered, rubbing her hands affectionately and lightly pressing a kiss to her forehead. It took a little while longer, but her breaths finally evened out and she opened her eyes.
She looked at him deeply. His throat tightened. It felt as though it was the first time Rebecca had properly looked at him in days. He smiled.
“There’s my girl.”
Rebecca choked out a sob, her tears coming loudly and heavily. His wonderful and loving face should have made her feel better but this time it didn’t. She just kept having these fucking meltdowns and forcing him to step up and look after her. Why couldn’t she be stronger?
Ted moved to beside her on the couch and pulled her into his embrace. He let her cry into his shoulder, the tears coming so thick that he could feel them through his shirt. They sat like this for a while, he wasn’t sure how long, it didn’t matter. He wasn’t going to move while she needed him. Eventually the tears slowed and her tight grasp on his shirt began to relax. She pushed herself upright and rubbed her face.
“Did you call Henry?” she whispered.
“Not yet,” he replied, extending his hand to rub her cheek.
“I’m sorry, Ted.”
She wasn’t looking at him again and he felt a pang in his heart to see how quickly she was pulling away and reassembling those darn walls. He knew he only had moments to get through before they were back up and she was changing the subject.
“Hey, now. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.” He hesitated. “Want to talk about it?”
She shook her head, tears starting to fall again, slower this time.
“You know you can tell me anything, right?”
She nodded, still not looking at him. She couldn’t. Not yet. Not while everything was on the surface like this.
She felt the couch dip as he stood up and she panicked that he was going to leave. Relief washed over when she saw he was only picking up his phone from the floor near the windows.
“Just gonna text Henry and tell him I can’t talk right now,” he explained, sitting back down beside her.
God she was pathetic and so needy. He already spent so much time looking after her, worrying about her –
“Why did you come back?” she asked quietly.
He shrugged. “Selfish reasons mostly. I knew something was up… This last week or so you’ve not been yourself. You’ve had your guards right up and you’ve been a million miles away. I feel like you’ve been looking right through me, I can see your mind racing every time we’re together. I guess I thought I’d come back and confront the issue, force you to tell me what I’ve done wrong- “
“NO!” she interrupted forcefully, pressing her fingers to his lips, needing him to know. “Ted, no. You haven’t done anything. I promise.” She took his hands and squeezed to emphasize her point. “You’re right. I have been distant. But it’s not because of anything you have done. I’m sorry, Ted, I thought I was doing a better job of hiding it.”
Hurt flashed across his eyes – the opposite effect to what she had been hoping for.
“I don’t want you hiding your hurt from me, Rebecca.” He spoke softly, pain evidence in his voice. “Sweetheart, what’s going on? It’s killing me seeing you like this. I feel like nothing I’m doing is making you feel good.”
He reached over and cupped her cheek, wiping the tears that lingered there.
“You always make me feel good, Ted,” she whispered. “It’s just… It’s stupid really Ted. I am completely overreacting.”
“It’s not stupid if it’s upsetting you,” he responded quietly, his thumb continuing its gentle motions on her face.
She knew he was hurting over this. She didn’t want him to hurt, not if she could help it. He deserved her to trust him with her truth. So, she took a deep breath and looked him in the eye, basking in the unconditional love she saw there, trying to savour it before it turned into pity when she confessed. He took his hand from her face and held it close to her.
“I’m old,” she sighed.
He smiled in spite of himself. He didn’t mean to seem like he was trivializing her confession, but it just wasn’t that he had been expecting her to say.
“First of all – no you are not. Secondly, you are perfect.”
“No Ted, I’m old. Older than you.”
“Not even a full month, angel. And bear with me repeating myself, but you are perfect,” he responded softly. “What has you worrying about this?”
“You deserve everything you could ever want, Ted. I’m so scared that there is so much that I can’t give you.” She spoke quietly, her eyes focussed on their hands in her lap.
“You are everything I could ever want. Truly. There is nothing that I want in this life that won’t come from being with you,” he tried to assure her.
“There is Ted!” she spoke more strongly now, trying to make him understand. “If you had someone younger maybe they could…”
She trailed off, unable to finish her sentence and verbalise her fears. Ted could hear the pain in her voice – raw and real. Whatever was going on had clearly hurt her deeply.
“Darlin’, what’s brought all this on?” he asked. “If there is anything I have done, then I am so sorry”
“No Ted. Honestly… Ugh, christ why is this so hard? I’m just going to say it because I need you to stop worrying. It’s not you, it’s me”.
He raised his eyebrows and smirked at her unconscious use of that cheesy line. She chuckled at him, and his eyes lit up.
“That’s nice to hear,” he said, squeezing her hand. “I’ve missed that sound.”
She smiled, marvelling at how Ted always made her feel better. He did it so easily, he knew exactly what to say and what to do to make her problems feel smaller. In that moment she knew that he would do the same with this one.
“Ted, there are certain changes that a woman goes through later in life”. She couldn’t quite say the word out loud yet. “And I think they are starting.”
Ted nodded to show he understood, and Rebecca continued quickly.
“I wasn’t ready Ted. It’s… I guess, it made me spiral a bit,” she smiled. “A lot, maybe.”
She looked into his eyes bracing herself for the pity, but it wasn’t there. There was only the same love from before. She could have cried again.
“Thank you for telling me,” he said calmly. “Now I am no expert on women’s bodies. I have nothing but respect for the wringer your hormones put you through day in and day out. You leave us men in the dust on that one. And I can see why this may have caused a spiral. But its natural and it’s a part of life. I’m only sorry that you felt you couldn’t talk to me about it. You know I’m always here for a despiralling.”
“I thought it might change how you feel. I didn’t want you to be disappointed,” Rebecca explained.
“Disappointed?” he looked at her questioningly. “Why would I be disappointed?”.
“Disappointed that certain things were off the table. Completely.”
Ted’s face still looked confused. She was really going to have to say this out loud.
“Kids, Ted. I’m talking about kids.”
Ted sighed. So that’s what was wrong. “Becca, I am not with you for your childbearing abilities. I’m with you because I love you. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you no matter what that future holds. As long as I have you then I have everything I need.”
“But a younger woman could give you more,” her voice broke as she spoke, tears threatening to spill out once again.
“I don’t want more. I don’t want this younger woman. I want you,” he promised her sincerely. “If our lives stay exactly the way they are now for the rest of our lives then I will be a very, very happy man. Darlin’, you are everything. You are more than enough.”
She scooted closer, wanting the warmth of his arms to help her feel better but also wanting her arms around him so that he could feel how grateful she was for him.
“I love you so much,” she said, her lips close to his ears. “Thank you for always looking after me. You are just perfect.”
“I love you too” he chuckled, his hands rubbing her back. “And you lovin’ me? Woo-wee, I’m the luckiest man alive.”
“Christ, I haven’t had a panic attack in years… Not since around my divorce. I just feel so all over the place at the moment. Honestly, I can barely think straight.”
“Of course, you do sweetheart,” Ted whispered. “It’s a massive thing. But if you need any help dealin’ with it, I’m here.”
“I’m sorry I assumed what your reaction would be,” she replied, her eyes stinging from the strength of his affection and care. “Well, I mean, I knew you would be wonderful about it. You’re always wonderful. It’s my own insecurities. I’m sorry I projected them on to you.”
He pushed her back so that he could look into her eyes.
“You’re my girl, OK? I will always want you. Nothing is going to change that. Unless maybe you kill someone or something… But even then, dependin’ on who it was, I could probably get past it.”
She laughed freely now and let him wrap her up in his arms again. She placed her head on his chest and breathed easier than she had in weeks. He still wanted her, still wanted them and their future. Now she just had to work on getting herself to the same place.
~
A little while later, with her head still resting on his chest and his hand tracing patterns on her arm, he felt confident to ask her about the last concern he had.
“How do you feel?”
“Better now,” she answered contentedly.
“Well, I’m glad. But I meant how do you feel now that those certain things are off the table?”
He heard her suck in a shaky breath. He rubbed her arm, trying to conduct some comfort into her body.
“I’m devastated,” she admitted.
His eyes slammed shut and he pulled her tighter to him.
“I knew it wasn’t likely” she continued. “And I really thought I was fine about it. But I guess knowing that all hope is gone hit me like a ton of bricks.”
“I’m sorry angel. I really am”
“I wanted it so much Ted,” she breathed. “I really, really wanted to be a mother.”
“Why didn’t you…” he asked slowly, not wanting to hurt her any more than she already was. He was pretty sure he already knew what the answer would be.
“Rupert,” she replied. “He always said he didn’t want children. So, I put it away. I told myself that I was happy, that my marriage came first… I’m so angry at myself.”
“You do not deserve that,” Ted said softly. “That man did one of the worst numbers I have ever seen on you and your self-esteem. He is the only one to blame.”
“I do know that, Ted. But sometimes I just hate myself for letting him take that from me… But I promise I hate him more. A hell of a lot more…”
“I’d like to see every bone in his smug body broken,” Ted replied. He was fucking furious right now but that wouldn’t help Rebecca feel better. “But my priority is you and how you feel.”
“I’m usually OK. I got used to the idea a long time ago. I think I need a little while to get my head around it and then I’ll be OK again.”
“We have options, Becca, if this is something you really want.”
“I know and I love you for suggesting that… And someday, hopefully soon, we can check those options out. But tonight, I would just like you to hold me.”
“That I can do,” he smirked. “Forever if you’ll let me”
“Forever sounds nice,” she mumbled sleepily into his chest.