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“Look!”
Nova turned and followed Pen’s gaze up into the night sky.
“Orion.” Nova said after catching what Pen was looking at.
“An old friend.” Pen said, and Nova couldn’t help but smile. The two had stumbled upon one another on the roof, each taking a break from the boisterous gathering downstairs. Even though they’d been becoming close friends and spending more time together for awhile, it was still a delight to have a chance encounter. There was nothing romantic between them — Pen was ace — and that in and of itself created a sense of safety. It was refreshing to Nova.
Pen turned to Nova and smiled.
“Let’s level up our friendship!” They said. Nova smiled again.
“Oh?” He said. “What did you have in mind?”
Pen swung their arms and did a little half spin, looking back up at the sky, then turned back and bumped Nova with their shoulder. He bumped back.
“I want to know the deep lore.” said Pen, and Nova tilted his head.
“We have known each other long enough that I feel safe around you,” Pen bumped him again and batted at him with their hands, then began lightly boxing his stomach. “I feel safe enough to spar with you on philosophy.”
Nova stood and smiled and let the playful punches bounce harmlessly off his abs for a bit before blocking and swatting their hands away. He began poking back, and they tussled for a moment, but then Pen giggled and stepped back. Nova knew that this wasn’t the sort of sparring they had in mind. He waited, curious, as one often did when it came to Pen.
“Let’s dig,” they said, “let’s ask one another the hard questions.”
“Hard questions?”
“Yes, you know, dig into each other. Our philosophy. Our beliefs. The parts that make us, but the parts we don’t say out loud.” Pen wandered over to one of the rooftop couches and pulled the cushion out onto the ground. “Let’s be vulnerable with one another.”
Nova was intrigued and followed them.
“Okay.”He said.
Pen laid down on the cushion and patted beside them.
“Come be near me.” Nova plopped down and they scooted close to one another. Nova was a whole foot taller than Pen, and long and lanky. Whereas Pen was short and strong, but with soft edges and a casual way about their body.
“Let’s spar, then.” Pen said, “But we must be safe. We will dig like badgers but remember that claws are sharp. We must be rough without wounding one another.”
“I choose to trust you.” said Nova, and Pen grinned, because it was a phrase they said often to people, and they were pleased he’d recognized it.
“Ask a question.” Pen said with a tone that indicated the bout had started.
“Do you believe in God?”
“Oooo, he comes out swingin!” Pen laughed, and poked him in the side. “I love it!”
They fell quiet for a moment. Nova waited, patient and curious.
“It is a difficult question,” Pen said, watching the sky, “because usually when people ask, they have a particular image of God in their own mind. So how can I answer truthfully, not knowing that image for myself?”
Pen looked over and smiled at him. Nova knew they would be digging out his own image of God in time. But he had thrown the first punch, and so Pen would defend for the time being.
“Still,” they said, looking back to the sky, “Still…I will do my best. I know you won’t hurt me.”
Pen was silent for a time. Nova remained patient.
“I am a game designer.” Pen said, “A systems designer, so I perceive God through systems. They are beautiful, the systems that create the world, and when I see them in action, it brings me joy and awe. It also puts no conflict with science for me, it’s the same thing. God and science, I mean. Science is just a human structure for perceiving the systems that are God. So, I suppose a way to say it is, I don’t believe God is an entity that made people, I believe that the systems that led to the existence of people are God.”
Nova thought it was interesting, though he felt like he didn’t understand systemic thinking quite so well as Pen.
“What about systems that create bad things?” He asked, “Are they still God?”
“Yes.” Pen answered, “Systems are iterative, and that is beautiful, but it sometimes leads to imperfect branches. Like circular milling in ants. Do you know about circular milling?”
Nova shook his head, suspecting he was about to learn something new and fascinating.
“Ants use pheromones to communicate, that’s how they make decisions. They leave clues for their nest mates and execute on those clues. The iterations of the systems that got them there — it made an efficient creature with amazing power in numbers. Like army ants that can cross rivers with rafts made of themselves! But the same system can also create circular milling, where when by chance a route of pheromones circles around on itself. The ants follow it, and lay down more pheromones for their fellows, but it loops. So eventually, the whole colony of ants walks endlessly in the same circle forever, until they all die. It looks really cool — there are videos, want to see a video?”
Pen started to dig out their phone, but Nova stayed their hand, and poked them in the belly, and they giggled and tussled back briefly. The sparring match was not over, and Pen was still on the defensive, no time for phones.
“Anyway,” they went on, “the same systemic conditions that led to the ants’ unique skills as a creature also created this detrimental edge case. That’s how systems work, and there’s something about those imperfect edge cases that are beautiful to me.”
“But isn’t God supposed to be perfect?” Nova jabbed.
“Well,” said Pen, “it depends on what you mean by perfect. It is…it makes sense to me…it is difficult to explain…”
Nova thought about pressing more, but could see that Pen was getting squirmy, and wouldn’t be able to defend properly if he was too rough. He let them catch their breath, and leaned his head against theirs to remind them that they were safe. This seemed to still them, and they lay quietly for a bit.
“I think…” Pen said, “I think first I need to explain people. I mean how I relate to the idea of people in how I believe in God. People are supposed to have been made in God’s image, right? And we are in that we make systems. But our systems are often clunky and flawed. We can do great good with our systems, and great harm. I think being imperfect and being flawed are different. Even though the God systems might yield imperfect edge cases, they resolve themselves — I mean — they churn up and feed into more systems, but in a way that resolves itself…”
Pen furrowed their brow and shook their head, “I’m not explaining it right…” they said, and squirmed again.
“I’m being too rough,” said Nova, and pulled his friend into a hug.
“No, no, you’re not,” said Pen, though they welcomed the hug and lay their head on Nova’s chest, “I’m just being…I mean…sometimes my words get stuck…it sounds so clear in my head, but when it comes out of my mouth it sounds like nonsense.”
“Your words are not nonsense, it’s just loose soil from the digging.” Nova gave them another squeeze. He thought about suggesting that they take a breather and ask him a question instead, but had a feeling it wasn’t the right thing to do. Pen had said they must be rough without wounding. Nova decided to be firm, and ran a hand through Pen’s hair as they lay there on his chest.
“The words don’t have to be perfect. This is a sparring match, not a fight, and I won’t hurt you. I am curious about your systems. I want to hear more.”
“Mm. Ask me another clarifying question. It’s easier to answer questions than to ramble freely.”
Nova thought for a bit.
“Your view is interesting but seems kind of distant and disconnected from humanity. What about the idea that God is a compassionate being?”
“Compassion is a human thing,” Pen said, “iterated on to yield our survival. Because it’s part of the systems that led to our social character, compassion counts as God. So it’s the other way around, you see.”
Nova furrowed his brow. He didn’t quite see. He felt like he was missing something.
“What about the idea of fate? That God has a plan for everyone?” He asked.
“Fate is also a human thing, evolved to keep us going in the face of inevitable death,” Pen picked at their fingernails, like the concept was the simplest in the world. “Because it’s part of the system that evolved us for survival, it counts as God.”
Nova felt like Pen was slipping every punch he threw, and poked them in the belly again.
“Are you cheating?” He laughed, “It feels like you’re cheating.”
“No no, I’m not, I’m not!” Pen lifted their head and looked at them with alarm, and Nova stopped laughing. He smiled at them and listened. Pen sighed.
“I suppose, when I say it out loud, it does sound overly simple.” They said, “But when I look at the systems in my mind, I can see their complexity and their interconnectedness, and it makes my heart all wiggly! But when you only look at the end result, it’s too simple.”
They paused and picked at their fingernails again and lay back down next to Nova.
“I guess I didn’t think about that. It just sounds like I’m saying ‘things are what they are because they are,’ and it seems silly. But there’s something behind it, I promise!”
Hearing a hint of deflation in Pen’s voice prompted Nova to lean his head against theirs again. They nuzzled back. Nova looked up at the stars and noticed that Orion was slowly on its way across the sky. Pen was right, their philosophy on God DID sound overly simple at face value. But he could feel something behind it. He was starting to know his friend too well to not assume there was something brilliant and mind-blowing behind the things he couldn’t understand. Nova thought for a moment, and decided to ease up and put himself on the defensive — to coax Pen out.
“How can I get better at systemic thinking?” He asked.
“Mm?” Pen looked at him, their eyes curious.
“I don’t understand your philosophy, but I WANT to understand, because it sounds like there’s something amazing in there and I want to see it. But I’m not as good at understanding systems as you. I want to get better, though, so I can understand. How can I get better?”
Nova blinked at him, then looked back at the sky.
“No one’s ever asked me that before.” They said.
“Well, I’m asking you now!”
Pen adjusted themself on the cushion and put their hands behind their head, apparently so lost in their thoughts that they didn’t notice almost elbowing Nova in the face. He chuckled at this and rotated slightly to watch his friend.
“I think, maybe…” Pen said, “you should start making games!”
Nova laughed.
“Pen, I’m just an actor, I can’t make games.”
“ANYONE can make a game.” Pen said, “That’s how I got good at systems. You start making games and you design these little one-off experiences that are all content. But the more you make them, the more you start understanding systems. And the more you understand systems, the more you can see them everywhere, in life, all over the world. And the more that happens, the more you can start to see God.”
“It sounds like a lot of work, but if it will help me get closer to understanding, I’m happy to do it.” Nova propped himself up on one elbow to get a better look at Pen’s face. “Will you help me, though?”
“Of course I will!” Pen said, reaching up and batting Nova in the face like a kitten, “and you’ll see. Being a game designer makes you better at being a person.”
“Oh? How’s that?”
“Well, because you have to get skilled in empathy. It’s required to be a good designer.”
“Is that how you have a moral code?” Nova asked, “instead of following God’s word, you make your own systems to connect you to the experiences of other people? And those systems are God?”
Pen laughed, then rolled over and pounced their friend.
“You’ll understand yet!” They said, “I can see it!”
The two friends grappled in a rough sort of hug and laughed before parting. Nova felt excited. He was on the verge of connecting with his friend on a much deeper level, and knew he could make it with some effort. Leveling up a friendship, indeed.
“I could talk about this all night, you know.” Pen said.
Nova reached a hand over and ruffled Pen’s hair.
“Alright alright, I’ve worked you over enough,” he said, “your turn. Hit me.”
Pen gazed at the night sky for a beat, then turned their head to look at him.
“Do you think the fundamental concept of human rights is a form of cultural imperialism?”
Nova turned his head back to the sky and laughed so loud that the whole neighborhood probably heard. It was like Pen had teleported across the ring and sucker punched him before he barely got out of the corner.
“Goddamn, Pen!”
“I’m listening,” they said, and grinned ferociously.