Chapter Text
Santana
"You're too clingy, give me some room! I can't breathe with you constantly around me. Look, I think we need a break."
In the middle of the hallway, he really did that in the middle of a crowded ass hallway. She straightens her back, chin jutting up as he walks away without a hint of guilt. I watch her turn on her heel, walking the opposite direction, fighting tears. The thing I don't notice is the jocks walking by her, slushies in hand, throwing not one but three ice cold drinks in her face. A chorus of laughter follows.
"Do you know why Finn never had us stop?" Azimio taunts. "Because he thinks you're a freak too." They all throw the empty cups at her, each one bouncing off her face before hitting the floor. They walk away, high fiving and jostling each other down the hall. I may be a bitch, but even I think that shits a bit much.
She swallows hard, the muscles of her throat bobbing up and down with the effort. Somehow, the girl still doesn't cry and I've got to give her props for that. No one comes to her rescue. I can see Kurt and Mercedes whispering together as they watch as she grabs a bag out of her locker and walks away.
I've been growing a conscience lately, don't ask me why, but I've started to feel bad about how I treat her. Trust me, I really have tried to make the feeling go away, but my gut twists and turns and I hate this. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Waiting a few moments for the masses to return to their boring lives, I follow her to the far bathroom she disappeared into.
The sound of sniffling greats me as I push open the bathroom door. She's standing, hunched over the sink, hands grasping so hard at the counter that her knuckles are turning white. Brown eyes flick up to the mirror to meet mine in the reflection.
"They're right aren't they?" Tears begin to fall down the red and orange stained cheeks. "I'm still just a freak, even to him?" Her eyes drop back down, gazing at the droplets of slushie that are falling into the sink, mixing with her tears. I'm struggling not to move closer, to do something to stop her pain. "I'm sorry that I'm that horrible of a person, I don't mean to be." It feels like she's having this conversation more with herself than with me. I feel compelled to say something though.
"Berry, you're not that bad." Ok, that was fucking convincing. Her eyes squeeze shut and she seems to grip the counter harder before pushing away from it, turning to me with such anger that I take a step back.
"You've said it yourself, so many times. Everyone in Glee has taken the time to tell me what a selfish and horrible person I am. Statistically speaking, it has to be true. Finn has wanted me to change, you have wanted me to change, every single person in this school requests that I change. What does one do when faced with such odds?" I really have no response for that when I've bullied her daily on everything about her. She just looks at me, searching for an answer I can't give her. "I will not be making it to Glee today. Please give everyone my deepest regrets." With that, she grabs her bag and walks out of the bathroom. There's no storm out, she just simply leaves.
I'm really confused about what just happened. Did we just break Rachel Berry? Like for real, have we pushed her too much? No, I'm sure she'll be fine. This whole fucking conscience thing is really starting to piss me off.
Xxxxxxxxxxxx
The next morning finds Berry immediately slushied upon arrival. I even see Finn in the background watching and doing absolutely nothing about it. What a douche.
"Looks like man hands really got on someone's bad side." Q sidles up to one side of me, B to the other as we watch Berry slink down the hallway. There's a trail of slushie drops in her wake.
"It's a free-for-all since Finnessa dumped her." I say, trying to shake this feeling of guilt that just keeps growing.
"He wasn't very nice about it. I kinda felt bad for her." B says.
"Well I don't." Q scoffs. "She deserves everything she gets." Now the girl is obnoxious, but Q has done way worse things. Not that I'm gonna say that out loud or anything. Aaaaand moving on.
"Coach wants to try the new routine at the game tomorrow." Q says as she fully turns her attention towards B and I.
"We haven't practiced enough. Shits gonna get us killed Q." Like for real.
"I'm too young to die." B squeaks as she squeezes my arm.
"Don't be a baby Santana, we've basically got it nailed down. Now, I've got class, I'll see you in Chem."
"Oh, there's Artie. Bye San." B bounds off towards her boyfriend, ech. My thoughts begin to drift towards Rachel. I wonder if she's Ok. Shut up brain! I hurry off towards class, trying to think of a song to distract myself. I feel really bad about how I've treated Rachel, and there's just something else there, something about her I can't figure out. Fuck!
I coast through my classes, alternating between thoughts of Rachel and the Pina Colada song. I have no idea how that got into my head. When lunch comes around, Rachel's nowhere to be found, but I suppose she's off in the auditorium or something. Spanish brings my first glimpse of her since the hallway this morning. I sit down next to her, ignoring the looks and whispers.
"Hey, are you ok?" She's unusually quiet, her body stiff and defensive well before I sit down.
"Yes, thank you for your concern." Rachel makes no eye contact, simply stares at the Spanish book on her desk. We've not used that thing once, and I'm pretty sure it's European Spanish.
"Look midget, I don't usually care.."
"Then perhaps you should keep it that way." She cuts me off. Now normally I wouldn't put up with that kinda disrespect, but I can tell by her body language that she isn't alright, and for some reason, I just can't stand it.
"Finn isn't worth it." I say under my breath, still aware people are paying too much attention to us right now. Rachel breathes in deep, letting the air out slowly.
"Maybe nothings worth it." Her voice trembles. What the hell does that even mean?
"If you need to talk……" I'm not sure why I'm offering, I'm just compelled to say something.
"It's too late for that." What the absolute fuck?
"It's never too late."
"Sometimes, one needs to know when to give up."
"What are you saying?"
"Don't feel bad Santana."
"Are you….you're not thinking…." I can't even say the words, I can barely think it. She doesn't respond, just seems so calm all of a sudden, so resolute. The bell rings, the class is over and Rachel walks out. She's not that kind of person, Rachel Berry doesn't let anything get to her, she has dreams beyond anything here in this shit hole town.
As Glee comes around, Rachel doesn't show. There are some grumbles, snide remarks about her diva attitude, and I've got to admit, I'd be right there along with them if I didn't have this feeling. Something's wrong, so fucking wrong.
"Anyone know where Rachel is?" Schue asks. No one gives a shit, but I can't get these thoughts out of my head. Fuck it! Grabbing my bag, I book it out of the room, checking every bathroom, auditorium, every nook and cranny but I can't find her and then I find out her car isn't in the parking lot. What the hell do I do? I have no proof that she's gonna do anything, so if I call someone what would I say? Who would I even call?
Jumping in my car I just start driving around, feeling frantic in a way I've never felt before. It feels like hours, but probably not, before I finally spot her car, there's a Broadway or bust bumper sticker on the back. It's sitting at the entrance to the park, but as I pull up she's nowhere around. I take the first path I see, looking everywhere just in case she's wandered off into the woods.
Finally I spot her, sitting on the ground at the edge of the dock that juts out into the pond. Her knees are pulled up tightly to her chest, her arms wrapped around them in a death grip. She looks so incredibly small and fragile right now. Making my way towards her, steps slow and deliberate, I sit, legs hanging over the edge of the rough wooden dock. I don't fail to notice the bottle of pills sitting next to her, though it still looks full.
We don't speak, just sit here breathing in near tandem as we watch the flocks of birds fly back and forth across the water. I want to say something, but I don't know what.
"Why?" She finally asks, her voice calmer than I expect.
"Why what?" I turn my head, looking at her face, looking past all that ingrained bullshit I have inside, and what I see is just a fragile teenager.
"Why did you come find me?"
"I couldn't let you do something you couldn't take back, especially not because of Finn." Rachel turns her head, eyes so dark and dull, but nonetheless brimming with sadness.
"You think this is about Finn?" She shakes her head before resting her chin on her knees.
"Tell me then, what is it about?"
"A lot of little things I guess." Rachel goes silent again for awhile, so I wait. "My dad's are divorcing and they aren't really around anymore. They can't be in the same house without yelling, and well, I'm me, so they figure I'm responsible enough to take care of myself. I was with Finn because I had someone, something to hang onto. It didn't seem to matter how he treated me, he was still there more than anyone else. I thought he cared, at least a little. Glee was my one last chance at some sort of family, and a chance for me to be happy. My voice is my escape, but I can't escape the halls of that school. I have nowhere to go, no one to go to. I have nothing."
"You have your dreams, you have Broadway. You're going to be a huge star and go places the rest of us can only dream about." Rachel just scoffs at this.
"I'm not so vapid as to think that will fill all the voids in my life. I'm not as selfish and self absorbed as everyone thinks. Or…...maybe I am, I don't even know anymore. When I look in the mirror….. Im….im tired Santana." I know. I know, at least a little of what she's feeling.
"You just want to rest and all the pain to stop, just for a few minutes, just for a few seconds." I can't stop the tears that start to fall as I say this. "If everything could just stop for a little while, maybe it will all be OK again." She nods, eyes squeezing shut as she attempts to hold back her own tears. Wrapping my arms around her body, I pull her against me, holding on tight as she begins to sob against me. I did this. I'm responsible for this. Not all of it, but a lot of it. My vicious words, the slushies, encouraging others to bully her. I did this.
The sun begins to set as I sit, holding onto her with everything I have. Her body seems so much smaller curled up against me. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I know I can't let her go home by herself tonight, there's no way in hell this girl is gonna be out of my sight.
"Come on Rach. It's getting dark, and you're coming with me." She doesn't say anything, doesn't protest at all. As I pull her up, I grab the bottle of pills, shoving them down my bra. Rachel allows me to pull her down the rapidly darkening path towards my car. "We'll get your car tomorrow ok?" She nods as I help her sit and buckle into mine.
The ride is oppressively silent, pressing on my chest like a vice. I wonder if she would have actually done anything. When would anyone have noticed? This thought is what really kills me. Like I feel this knife slicing me open. Would anyone have noticed or cared until it was too late?
"Santana, is that you?" My mami calls out as I open the front door. "Where have you ………" She trails off as she sees Rachel, basically being held up by me. Giving me a questioning look, mami ushers us towards the living room. Gently, I deposit Rachel on the couch and kneel before you.
"I'll be right back Rach ok?" She simply nods. Impulsively, I lean forward, kissing her forehead. Jesus.
"What's going on Santana?" Mami asks once we're in the kitchen.
"Mami, she….." Tears flow as I pull the pill bottle out, handing it over. "She said some things, then she didn't show up for Glee, she always shows up for Glee mami." I'm a sobbing mess right now. "I looked everywhere. I found her down a trail at the park with those." I point at the pills in her still outstretched hand. "It's my fault mami." I can't take it, I fall into her arms giving into the need to be held by my mother.
"Shhh, shhhh baby it's not your fault."
"You don't know. You don't know what I did."
"Baby, it's not your fault." She's wiping at the tears on my cheeks. "Where are her parents mija?"
"I don't know, they're not around. That's why I brought her here, I couldn't…….she can't be left alone."
"She needs help Santana. We need to get her to a hospital." I nod, because I don't know what else to do.