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Joo-Won was fucking him so well in deep, hard thrusts that pushed him into the mattress with the force of his weight. Pinned under his bulkier body while being speared with his searing heat always wiped Dong-Sik's mind of anything else and left him stripped down to just his pleasure. A large hand was in his hair on the top of his head, tugging lightly to tip his head back so Joo-Won could suck marks onto his throat. He had had a thing for leaving evidence of their coupling behind since their first time. His dark eyes were intense and heated when he pulled back to watch Dong-Sik's face lost in arousal.
An extra hard thrust tore a pleased groan from Dong-Sik's throat, prompting Joo-Won to spread his legs further to lean back and get a good view of himself disappearing into the channel. The hand regretfully left Dong-Sik's hair only to reappear cupping the side of his neck, a thumb reaching up to draw along the line of his jaw. All at once Dong-Sik had such a powerful desire to be even more pinned, to have that hand gripping tighter, even pressing down a little. Would Joo-Won have a problem with that? Surely not. When Dong-Sik asked for a hard fuck Joo-Won always delivered beautifully.
"Tighter," Dong-Sik groaned out, excitement mounting at the very thought. At first Joo-Won looked confused, lost in his task. As the confusion cleared it was replaced with hesitance, even nervousness. "It's okay," Dong-Sik encouraged. "I want it." Conflicting feelings flashed over Joo-Won's face at a dizzying speed before he loosely spanned his hand across the front of Dong-Sik's throat, his eyes fixed on his hand suddenly looking faraway. The thrusts slowed to a stop, leaving Dong-Sik concerned he'd asked for too much and a little stumped as to why it would be too much after all they'd done together.
"You really want that?" Joo-Won asked, his voice tremulous and small. "Joo-Won ah," Dong-Sik cupped his face to lift it to meet his eyes. "You don't have to." Joo-Won barely seemed to hear him, his eyes still seeing something else. His throat bobbed with a hard swallow, Dong-Sik by now actually worried. "It's not a big deal. Just forget about it. We're not always going to want the same things," he said reassuringly. Joo-Won's hand still rested on his throat as his chest heaved in a way that looked different from the previous exertion. When his eyes lifted back up from his hand to Dong-Sik's eyes he looked so lost and sad it sent a pang through Dong-Sik.
Then Joo-Won was pulling his already softening cock out and sitting back on his knees breathing entirely too fast, his hands shaking hard. This was clearly more than a sex thing, Dong-Sik realized, sitting up to take Joo-Won's hands in his own. "What's going on? Talk to me," he requested quietly. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I messed things up. I'm sorry I couldn't keep going, I'm sorry-" Dong-Sik cut off the suddenly torrent of unneeded apologies with a quick kiss. "Hush. That's not what's important," he said firmly. Joo-Won was trembling all over now, and followed obediently when Dong-Sik guided him to lie down and disposed of his condom before tucking himself into his side.
Tears filled Joo-Won's eyes as his breathing grew shallower, a clear panic attack - something Dong-Sik had seen him experience many times and remained just as painful to watch each time. "Shh, it's okay. What happened?" Dong-Sik asked, brushing his fingers through Joo-Won's sweaty hair then sliding an arm around his middle to smooth his hand up and down his back. Shuddering breaths and little tremors traveled through his hand as Joo-Won fought for words. "You don't need to hear about it. This will pass," he said. Dong-Sik frowned at that.
"Did what I asked for set it off? Because if it did I'd like to know what it is so I don't do it again," Dong-Sik said, trying to coax Joo-Won out of the shell he always retreated into when he thought his feelings would be a burden. But it made no difference, Joo-Won stubbornly shaking his head and insisting, "You don't want to hear about this. I'm sorry I'm a mess, but I'll be fine soon." Even as he said it he wiped his eyes and sniffed, his eyes still staring at something Dong-Sik couldn't see. "I want to hear about anything that upsets you this much," Dong-Sik said, cupping Joo-Won's cheek to brush his tears away with his thumb. "And stop apologizing. You've done nothing wrong."
Joo-Won's lip quivered even as he clenched his mouth shut in an attempt to hide it. "You don't have to deal with everything alone anymore," Dong-Sik said gently. That drew a gust of air from Joo-Won as his stiff shoulders dropped with a shudder. He chewed his lip in thought then shook his head saying, "It has to do with my father. You don't need to hear about that." Awful ideas of more ways Han Kihwan might have damaged Joo-Won flashed through Dong-Sik's mind. "I would only be unwilling to listen to you talk about him if you planned on complimenting him and telling me what a great guy he is," Dong-Sik snarked.
After searching his face for a moment Joo-Won took a deep breath and exhaled it shakily as he rested his hand on the side of Dong-Sik's neck to lightly draw his thumb back and forth across his throat, watching it with pained eyes. "I always want to give you what you want," he spoke haltingly like he was working out his words as he said them. "But... Not that. I can't. It... Look, it's really not a big deal. I'm getting upset over nothing." That really sparked Dong-Sik's concern because the more painful something from Joo-Won's childhood was the more he dismissed and minimized it, keeping his wounds hidden to protect himself.
"Joo-Won ah, you can trust me with it. I won't use it against you. It's not a burden," Dong-Sik said soothingly, massaging Joo-Won's scalp in the way that always relaxed him. A furrow appeared between Joo-Won's eyebrows. "I know. It's not- It's just that I have no right to complain about him to you after what he did to you," he explained. God, this guy killed Dong-Sik sometimes. How many things had he held back because of that? "That's bullshit," he retorted. "I want to know everything that happened to you. I want to know you and understand you." He could see Joo-Won thinking it over until he finally nodded a small, quick nod.
"He used to choke me when I disappointed him. Usually a grade not being perfect. He'd make me wear turtlenecks, even in the summer, so people didn't see the bruises. It could have been worse. I only passed out a couple of times," Joo-Won spoke with a tremor in his voice, his eyes on Dong-Sik's chest avoiding his reaction. Thumping filled Dong-Sik's ears, his heart pounding as rage surged through him almost blinding him. "It could have been worse?" "Only a couple of times?" How could Joo-Won think that way: like a parent strangling their child even once wasn't terrible?
"I should have killed him," Dong-Sik said in a tightly controlled voice. Dark eyes flashed to his, widening at the anger they saw, then blinking in confusion. "It wasn't that often, just a few times a year at most. There are plenty of kids that experience much worse," he said defensively. "Is that how you'd react if a kid reported that to you?" Dong-Sik asked flatly. An appalled look came over Joo-Won's face, offended by the very suggestion. "Of course not!" After clenching his jaw and struggling to contain himself Dong-Sik asked, "Then why does it not matter when it's you?" Joo-Won suddenly looked so young, picking at the strip of sheets between them. "It's just different," he said in a small voice.
Dong-Sik wanted to break something. He wanted to hit something. He wanted to go back in time and pull the trigger on that man for hurting two people he loved. He wanted to hug Joo-Won hard enough for the other man to feel how much he mattered. Taking Joo-Won's face in his hands he met his eyes and spoke clearly, "It's not different. It does matter because you matter. It shouldn't have happened and you didn't deserve it." Joo-Won's face crumpled and he gasped out a sob, shaking his head even as he wept. "Do not defend him by saying it's not a big deal," Dong-Sik said strongly.
That seemed to stun Joo-Won, confronting him with a way of viewing it he'd never considered before. "And love, I would never want you to do something with me in bed that brings up bad memories. You never have to apologize when that happens," he said adamantly before gathering Joo-Won close. They held each other for a long time, eventually pulling back enough to exchange soft kisses. "You're so good to me," Joo-Won said, sounding far too amazed by it, perpetually convinced he was undeserving. Knowing Joo-Won didn't always let himself hear his words, Dong-Sik drew him in for a tender kiss, sucking and tasting his lips until Joo-Won whimpered into his mouth, protectiveness filling him as Joo-Won sought his comfort.
"You can tell me these things any time," Dong-Sik said. "I want to know anything that hurts you." He knew Joo-Won would never share all of it, but maybe he would share the big things - the things that ate away at him from the inside. "That's part of this: talking to each other. We both need to get better at it." Running his warm hand up and down his side, Joo-Won gazed at him with inscrutable eyes until the shutters on his face dropped away and he nodded. "Don't wish you'd killed him. We wouldn't be here," he whispered. Sighing, Dong-Sik had to begrudgingly agree. "Still, I could have hurt him first," he grumbled.
Seized by a sudden need, Dong-Sik pushed Joo-Won onto his back and nudged his chin up with a knuckle to press a kiss to the side of his neck. Once he'd left two more traveling across his throat Joo-Won caught onto what he was doing, his breathing halting as his hand clenched on Dong-Sik's shoulder. Then he sighed a stunned little "oh!" and splayed his hand on the back of Dong-Sik's head, following the movements as lips worked their way across to the other side of his throat. When he lifted his head Dong-Sik found tears in Joo-Won's eyes, but this time tears from being moved by care that still surprised him. Dong-Sik smiled tenderly and kissed his cheek, stopped from pulling away too far by the hand in his hair.
There was a new openness on Joo-Won's face as they gazed at each other. "You know the same goes for you, right?" Joo-Won asked. "You can tell me anything." There was such earnestness in his desire to treat Dong-Sik right despite his lack of examples of such behavior. "Since I ruined sex do you want to watch a movie?" Dong-Sik laughed at the sudden turn, but nodded. "Sounds good. Horror? Documentary? Thriller?" Joo-Won was already pulling his laptop out from under the bed. "Historical drama," he said in that way that made a suggestion sound like a demand. It was sickening how even his most obnoxious traits made Dong-Sik feel sappy.
"Alright," he agreed, helping Joo-Won prop up pillows to arrange themselves against. His heart stuttered when Joo-Won tucked his head on his shoulder with a sound of contentment. Every time he made a gesture like that it thrilled Dong-Sik. He barely paid attention to the film, instead simply enjoying the heat of Joo-Won's body and the feel of his silky hair slipping through his fingers. It hurt to think about just how little love Joo-Won had received or even witnessed. He could only hope that despite his own brokenness he could provide some of the kindness and unconditional love Joo-Won should have had.
After an hour Joo-Won abruptly turned to him to say, "If it's something you really need I would try it for you." Momentarily struck speechless by the suddenness and absurdity of his words, Dong-Sik gathered himself to reply vehemently, "You think I could possibly enjoy that knowing what it was reminding you of? There's nothing I need that much. God, don't ever push yourself that much to please me. That's the last thing I want." Joo-Won had to think it over, as though his feelings mattering as much as Dong-Sik's during sex was a head-scratcher. "I want you to enjoy everything we do just as much as I do," Dong-Sik said firmly.
It made Dong-Sik ache the way Joo-Won's eyes grew red from something so simple and obvious. The younger man slid down to rest his head on his lap, yawning widely and turning back to the movie. Watching him instead, as he was far prettier than anyone on the screen, Dong-Sik traced his ear and the outline of his face, then trailed his hands over his shoulder and arm, memorizing every detail. He imagined a world where he'd encountered Han Ki-Hwan hurting little Joo-Won and stopped him and what kind of person Joo-Won would be. Selfishly he couldn't truly wish for it though. The way things went brought them here.