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Kathleen Kippen tapped her hands on the wheel, moving slightly to the beat of the rock song humming on low volume through the speakers of her car as she eyed the house in front of her. It was getting progressively darker outside, and excited kids were starting to pour out the front door, signalling the middle school “rager” was coming to a close. Nevertheless, there were still some wild-looking lights shining out from the windows and she could make out the sound of blaring pop music even from her vantage point in her car. She smirked to herself, laughing internally at her own memories of being an awkward middle schooler trying to navigate socializing and growing up.
The nostalgia warmed into tenderness as she considered how old her own kiddo was becoming. He would be in high school next year, braving new classes, new challenges, new phases of his life.
Kathleen sighed. Memories and emotions of the past few years flooded in, quirking her small smile into a sad sideways one. Things hadn’t been so easy at home with her son as of late. Usually, she tried to chalk it all up to puberty and hormones and the fact that sometimes kids are just hard to handle, but when she really let herself reflect, there always seemed to be more to the story than she quite understood. Like a page missing out of the story of their lives; hell, sometimes it felt like a full chapter. For a while, it appeared like he was shutting her out more and more each year, starting when he began middle school and started hanging out with new friends, ones who didn’t turn out to be the best influence. She shuddered and shook her head, trying to brush past the memories of the police knocking on her door, memories of TJ clutching her and crying silently into her shoulder as he struggled to recount what had happened. Trying to move past it, she reminded herself: he had learned his lesson. She was positive of that. And despite the fact that he found himself in such a dangerous and thoughtless situation, she would always be proud of him for doing the right thing and telling the truth. Honestly, that moment, however painful, was the beginning of him starting to warm back up, to her and the rest of the world.
She wasn’t sure what really happened. It didn’t go downhill all at once. But somewhere along the way, her bubbly and energetic son had gone from silly and warm to sullen, withdrawn, and cold. Not only that, but actively seeking out trouble in school. Kathleen had never thought that her son would end up a bully. It bit at her heart. She tried so hard to connect with him, to understand what was going on for him, through the detentions, the poor grades, the calls from teachers. But TJ seemed to want nothing to do with her. All that mattered suddenly was basketball and maintaining his status amongst his other “popular” friends.
Kathleen wanted so desperately to just make him understand that the people he thought were “cool” at school were actually the ones that were making him so unhappy. It wasn’t hard to see the red flags - the manipulation, the sneers and mean jokes, the way he started parroting back sexist and mean remarks the more he hung around them. There was more than one instance of her crying in the kitchen after a nasty interaction with him, trying to understand how to get through to him again.
Then, just as slowly as it came, things started to shift again. TJ’s coldness started to stutter, some of his old tendencies and hobbies began popping up again. She would hear him practicing the piano again, hear him singing along to his own compositions or favorite songs as his fingers danced on the keys of their old grand in the basement. At dinner, he would divulge more and more about his days again, cueing her in on new friends. New names started cropping up, like Jonah, Marty, Andi, then even Buffy, someone she knew for a fact her son had picked fights with over basketball in the past.
But the most important name of all was Cyrus. She had seen the boy in passing quite a few times at this point when he was over watching movies with TJ or waiting at the front door to go on a walk. He was a sweet kid, goofy, and Kathleen had to admit, not the usual kind of person TJ had been spending time with as of late. All that mattered to her, though, was that he was a much better influence than TJ’s old friends had been. He helped TJ with his homework, complimented him and boosted his self-esteem. She had caught glimpses of them sharing heart to hearts and he genuinely seemed to care about her son.
He even helped TJ tell her and her husband about what they learned to be a learning disability. Apparently, Cyrus was the one to help him come to terms with his dyscalculia and was TJ’s support system as he went through telling his parents, getting tested, and being set up with a professional tutor. And when TJ came home, ecstatic over his first C on a math test, Cyrus’ name was the first out of his mouth as he recounted how the other boy had given him a high five and huge hug when he found out.
The most recent addition to her son’s friend group, however, was a girl named Kira. Kathleen had met her a few times and she seemed nice enough, though TJ acted weirdly nervous around her at times, like there was an unspoken tension between the two. Part of Kathleen thought it was so obvious what was going on - she had had her fair share of crushes through her life, and middle school ones were the most awkward and fumbling of all. Still, she couldn’t quite shake the feelinging that that might not be the case. TJ didn’t appear to have the same mooniness in his eyes she remembered having when she was his age, regardless of how sick to her stomach with nerves she felt around those she liked back then.
Still, they had been spending quite some time together lately, and Kathleen even gave them both a lift to this party together earlier on. Kira acted like she was giddy to be going with her son. TJ, however, was a bit withdrawn throughout the car ride. When she dropped them off and told them to have fun, he smiled halfheartedly and muttered thanks before hopping out, Kira grabbing his arm excitedly and practically dragging him up to the front door.
Kathleen peeked at the car clock. It was nearly 10:15. TJ said he and Kira would meet her fifteen minutes ago. She sighed. She wasn’t worried necessarily - not any more than she normally was as a mother. She was more so just rolling her eyes at the reality of being a parent. No one had warned her how much sitting and waiting in a car was involved.
The groups of kids leaving were thinning more and more with each passing minute. Kathleen was almost about to get out and head inside to try to track down her charges when she spotted her son emerging from behind the house. She smiled, happy to see him, her slight nerves abiding instantly. She looked behind him, expecting to see Kira. She had promised to drive her home, too, of course. However, Kira was nowhere to be seen. Instead, she caught a glimpse of Cyrus trailing behind her son. It was too dark to really make out anything other than his general features, but she could just see that he was smiling wide, and so was TJ. The smile on her son’s face instantly brightened her own. That genuine smile was rare these days.
She watched as they hugged one another goodbye, and waited patiently until her son’s eyes locked on her vehicle. She waved from behind the window and unlocked the doors. TJ jogged to the passenger door, whipped it open, and slid into the seat beside her.
“Hey kiddo! How was the party?” Kathleen asked with a smile, cocking her head at her son as she instinctively set her hand on the car’s gear shift in preparation to drive. “And where’s Kira? I thought we were going to give her a ride home?”
TJ seemed to barely hear what she was saying. He was reeling like he was in a daze, eyes wide and lips parted in a tiny smile. He closed his eyes and breathed a deep breath before clasping his hands in his lap (a longtime habit she knew of his whenever he was nervous) and looked up at her. “Huh? Oh, Kira? She, um, she left early.”
Kathleen nodded slowly. Everything they had gone through the past years was still ever present in her mind, and she could tell there was more to the story than he was saying. “Is everything okay between you two?” She asked slowly, wary that if she pried too much, he might clam up on her, like he was prone to do.
She watched the gears turn behind his eyes. His mouth opened automatically and he said, “Yeah, of course,” before stopping short mid sentence and thatching his eyebrows together. He seemed to think for a moment, before taking a shaky breath and admitting, “Actually, no. Things aren’t okay. I don’t think we’re friends anymore.”
Kathleen bit her lip. “What happened?” she asked.
She saw TJ wrap his arms tight around his stomach. “It wasn’t me messing it up this time, mom. I promise.”
Kathleen tenderly set her hand on her son’s shoulder, trying to reassure him that she believed him. “Do you want to talk about it?”
TJ sat silently. It was as though the high mood he had when he entered the car was deflating, and Kathleen felt a bit bad about it. When it appeared that he wasn’t going to answer her, she withdrew her hand and shifted the car to drive, slowly pulling away from the side of the road and beginning their drive home.
The only sound for a few moments was the quiet hum of the radio, now playing a country song. Just as she was beginning to accept that the short conversation was all she was going to get out of her son that night, he spoke. “She’s not a very nice person.”
Kathleen glanced from the road ahead to her son and saw that he was chewing nervously on his lip. “Did something happen?” she chanced.
TJ breathed out deeply. “She’s just… she can be… sometimes she isn’t nice to Buffy. And Buffy’s my friend now. I don’t want to hear her call her mean names behind her back. And she gets jealous when I want to spend time with anyone other than her. And she…” he trailed off, before looking away and finishing, “She’s not very nice to me either, sometimes. And I know that I have been like, a jerk in the past, too, I know that, but it just felt like… she wasn’t ready to try to be nicer. I don’t know.”
Kathleen nodded, taking in everything her son was saying. Somehow, this didn’t come as much of a surprise to her. All the tension she saw between the two of them was starting to click.
It surprised her when TJ kept speaking. “And she made fun of Cyrus dancing.”
Kathleen quirked an eyebrow. “Was that the final straw?”
TJ nodded his head automatically. “Yeah. We got into a fight at the party. Like, okay, maybe Cyrus isn’t the best dancer in the world, but he is the most fun dancer, like, ever, he is always smiling and being himself so fully and doing what makes him happy and she just… She thinks she can walk all over people, sometimes. And then she tried to make me choose between her and Cyrus, which like, no brainer. I think she got a ride home with someone else after that.”
Kathleen chuckled softly at her son’s rambling. “Well, I am proud of you, Thelly. It’s important to stand up for yourself and others when something isn’t right.”
TJ nodded a bit awkwardly and sat further into the chair, eyes scanning the passing sky as they drove. There was some silence as he got lost in his thoughts. Many emotions flickered behind his eyes, and Kathleen realized there may be even more to the story. She tried to think of a way to continue the conversation before she lost the moment.
“Did you have fun at least? You know, with your other friends? You seemed pretty happy when you were leaving the party.”
She watched as her son’s entire demeanor changed. It was as though he was bursting with joy but constricting it with a white knuckle grip. He opened his mouth to respond but stalled. Kathleen waited patiently.
Finally, he spoke. “Yeah, actually. I had a lot of fun. A lot. It was... “ he seemed to be searching for the right words, before shaking his head and settling on, “...really nice.”
They were nearing the end of the drive, and they sat in silence as she turned onto their street before pulling up to their house and parking the car in the driveway. As she pulled the keys out of the ignition, the lights in the car turned on, and she turned to look at her son’s face. It was then she realized that there were tears glistening in his eyes. “Sweetie, what’s wrong?” She reached a hand out and rested it on his arm.
TJ flinched, as though he wasn’t ready for her comfort. He looked away and bit his lip, shaking his head. “Nothing, nothing, seriously mom. I don’t know why I’m… I’m not sad, mom, I’m actually really, really happy right now.”
Kathleen felt that there were words between the lines of his admission. She had no idea what they were, but part of her knew (call it a mother’s intuition) that it was extremely important to him. Even though she didn’t know exactly where things might head, she pressed on. “Happy?”
TJ breathed heavily. He glanced up at her, and hugged his hands tighter around his waist. “Yeah.” A tear made its way down his cheek even as he smiled. He brushed it away and scrubbed at his nose. “Mom?”
Kathleen held her breath. There was something in the air. Something big. “Yeah, sweetheart?”
TJ seemed to be buzzing with nervous energy, and he started fidgeting in his seat. A second passed. Two. Ten. She didn’t know what she was waiting for, but she didn’t want to mess the moment up.
Then, her son spoke. “Mom… I- I’m g-gay.”
Kathleen’s eyes widened. In the back of her head, she saw a page flutter down into the metaphorical story of their lives, threading through each and every moment the last two years where she had felt deep in her heart that there was some sort of unexplained distance between the two of them. She froze, almost without realizing it, as her son’s eyes locked on her own, and saw the pain and fear and joy and uncertainty bubbling beneath the surface.
Without thinking, she rushed to lock her arms around him. As soon as she pressed him to her chest, she felt him sniffle a sob. She rubbed his back and breathed in deeply, cherishing her baby boy wrapped in her arms.
They stayed like that for a bit, TJ trying to stifle his occasional hiccup-y cries, Kathleen just holding him tight. When she opened her eyes, she realized at an almost subconscious level that what she said next would be very important. She slowly pulled away and let her hands settle on his shoulders. She looked deeply into his eyes. “I love you, Thelly. God knows I love you. And - thank you. For telling me. That took a lot of courage and trust. I am so proud of you, and I love you, and I need you to know that. This changes nothing, okay? I love you.” And she meant every word of it.
TJ crumpled right in front of her, but not out of pain. Out of sheer relief. He breathed out a huge breath, one big huff, and nodded tightly, eyes looking away as he bit his lip, trying not to cry even more than he’d already been. “Thanks, mom. I - thanks.”
They stayed like this, both lost in their own thoughts but holding one another up all the same. Despite having just made a huge admission, TJ still acted as if he had something on his mind. He glanced up at her and offered a small smile through his tears. “There’s something else.”
Kathleen chuckled and leaned back, feeling the need to hold him up at this moment dissipate slightly as his mood continued to shift to more joyfulness. “What is it?” she asked.
TJ smiled wider, genuine happiness seeping out. Kathleen had a sneaking suspicion suddenly what it was he wanted to say, but dared not speak as he gathered the courage up to tell her. “I… I think I have a boyfriend now.”
Kathleen felt her face warm into a wide beam. So her suspicions were correct. “TJ, that is really exciting. May I ask who it is?”
TJ nodded slowly. His entire demeanor had softened and he looked far away, in the best way. That moony look she hadn’t recognized in his interactions with Kira was there now, and Kathleen mentally chastised herself for not realizing what her son had been harboring sooner.
“It’s Cyrus.”
Kathleen broke into a full grin. “Well, I am so, so happy for you both. Cyrus is a catch.” And once again, she meant every word. Cyrus was the person who had brought her son out of a very dark place, and she had genuine admiration and care for her son’s friend - well, boyfriend now, she corrected herself with an internal smile.
TJ’s face melted even more. “He is. I don’t deserve him at all, but for some reason, he likes me back. He likes me back.” It was as though TJ was really realizing it himself for the first time. “I just like, held his hand today. At the party. And I was so afraid, but… he makes me brave.”
Kathleen squeezed her son’s shoulder. “He likes you because you are a good person, TJ.”
TJ didn’t seem to quite believe her, but shrugged and nodded, whispering, “He makes me want to be the best person.”
Kathleen knew that all of the demons TJ was battling wouldn’t dissolve in one night, but sensed that this might be the moment the floodgates truly released. She pulled him in for one last hug. “I am so proud of you, Thelly.”
The next day, the doorbell rang as she was preparing lunch. She made to go get it when TJ came tearing down the stairs and almost crashed right into her. “Whoa, slow your roll, Thelly!” she laughed out.
TJ smiled shakily and blushed. Coughing awkwardly and shifting from foot to foot, he said, “Sorry, sorry. It’s just…” he anxiously looked at the door.
Kathleen rolled her eyes. “Go. I know it’s Cyrus. I could see him from the kitchen. Let him in so I can be properly introduced to your booooyfriend,” she sing-songed. TJ scoffed, flushing even deeper red, before moving past her to open the door.
Kathleen watched his back as his hand reached for the handle. And smiled. The most honest smile she had had in what felt like a very long time. Her son looked so happy, he was radiating pure joy. She sent a quick thought into the universe as he swung the door open to reveal an equally moony Cyrus.
Thank you.