Work Text:
Court Stenographer’s Record
Courtroom 3 – August 29, 20XX, 10:00 AM
State v Fitzgerald, Trial Day 3
Presiding: A. Judge
Prosecution: M. Edgeworth
Defense: P. Wright
Transcript begins:
THE COURT: Is the Defense ready?
MR. WRIGHT: Yes, Your Honor.
THE COURT: Is the Prosecution ready?
MR. EDGEWORTH: Yes, Your Honor.
THE COURT: If the Prosecution will deliver its opening statement?
MR. EDGEWORTH: Thank you, Your Honor. In the case of the State v Mr. Fitzgerald for the murder of the Defendant’s sister, Vanessa: Yesterday afternoon the Defense presented what the Court judged to be a potential hole in the Prosecution’s argument regarding the Defendant’s means and access to the crime scene at the time of the murder. Pursuant thereof, the Defense was granted one day to procure evidence regarding the security tapes and keycard entry records to the property immediately adjacent to the crime scene.
THE COURT: Thank you, Mr. Edgeworth. Is the Defense prepared to present any new evidence at this time?
MR. WRIGHT: Yes, thank you, Your Honor. The Defense would like to enter two new reports into evidence.
THE COURT: The Court accepts two briefs into evidence.
EVIDENCE ENTERED: Defense Report A – Security Log of Fitz&Ness Athletics
EVIDENCE ENTERED: Defense Report B – Map and Analysis of Entry/Access Points between Fitz&Ness Athletics and Gatewater Day Spa
MR. WRIGHT: If the Prosecution would care to take a look in my briefs, I believe he’ll find something of interest to him.
Almost undetectable, the slightest of pauses sounded in the stenographer’s steady typing, before resuming again.
MR. EDGEWORTH: The contents of this particular Defense’s briefs are always of interest, I’m sure.
A slightly longer pause, and then the clacking of keys again.
MR. WRIGHT: I made sure this one was nice and thick and long, just the way you like it.
A pause. This time lingering, prolonged. The Judge glanced curiously over at the Stenographer, and abruptly the Stenographer snapped to attention and finished typing out the Defense’s…interesting turn of phrase.
I am just here to record, I will not react, the Stenographer reminded themself, taking a deep, calming breath. I’ve got this.
MR. EDGEWORTH: Well then. Moving back to the fascinating matter of the Defense’s briefs. I have doubts about the Defense’s proposed Means of Entry.
MR. WRIGHT: I think the Prosecution will find that this Means of Entry is more than adequate to fill the Prosecution’s hole.
The Stenographer’s eyes squeezed shut tightly as they typed blindly. I’m just here to record, I will not react. I’m just here to record, I will not react, the Stenographer repeated their mantra at an increasingly desperate pace.
MR. EDGEWORTH: Tsk, tsk. You seem to be stretching things quite a bit.
MR. WRIGHT: The Defense is willing to concede that the hole in the Prosecution is quite small; a bit of stretching is required to fit.
This time the Stenographer managed to muffle a cough in the nick of time, before continuing their blind, mantra-assisted typing.
MR. EDGEWORTH: If the Defense can fit in at all, which seems highly dubious if the Defense needs to resort to such slippery tactics to even make the attempt.
MR. WRIGHT: It’s definitely a tight fit, but I believe we can work it in. If the Prosecution will just allow me to massage the edges a bit, I think you’ll find that the slipperiness will actually aid in completely filling the Prosecution’s hole.
—Here to record, I will not re—WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK?!?!?! A definite loud hacking sound emitted from the stenographer’s bench.
The Judge waved for the record to be halted and asked as an aside, “Is the Court Recorder all right? Do we need to take a break?”
“No!” the Stenographer managed to squeak out, face flaming red. “I’m fine, Your Honor! Just something caught in my throat!”
“Well, if you’re sure…” the Judge said, “please resume.”
Transcript Resumed – 10:18 AM
THE COURT: Mr. Edgeworth?
MR. EDGEWORTH: The Prosecution has no objections to the Defense’s intriguing proposition. Go on, Wright, show me what you’ve got…if anything.
MR. WRIGHT: Don’t worry, Edgeworth. I’ve got more than enough to satisfy you.
MR. EDGEWORTH: Promises, promises. If you want me to accept your proposal, you’ll have to penetrate far more deeply into my hole.
And, at that point, a sudden frustrated scream broke from the stenographer’s bench, and the Stenographer shouted out, “Argh! I can’t take it anymore! Will you two just GET A ROOM ALREADY!” before storming out of the courtroom in a huff.
The Judge, Prosecutor Edgeworth, and Defense Counsel Wright all blinked in confusion.
“What was that all about?” Wright asked, perplexed. “I’m not in the wrong courtroom again?”
Edgeworth snorted. “Not this time. This is, indeed, our assigned room.” He considered for a moment. “The stenographer pool has seemed…tetchy of late, has it not?”
“I hope it wasn’t anything I said!” the Judge said, wide-eyed.
“Perhaps the Court needs to review the shift schedules for the Court Reporters,” Edgeworth suggested. “It’s entirely possible they’re being overworked.”
“Ah, yes,” the Judge said. “That must be it. We’ll see to it. In the meantime, Bailiff! Do we have a back-up Court Reporter?”
“Yes, Your Honor! I’ll check, Your Honor!” the Bailiff said, and dashed through the door behind the bench.
The exit took him into a side room where filing, evidence analysis, and report sign-off usually took place. Several staff members were gathered, including the recently-fled stenographer who was sitting at a desk in the corner with head bent over a paper bag, seemingly hyperventilating into it.
“Hello,” the Bailiff greeted the two staff members who were still recording the Defense’s two new reports into the official evidence log, “do we have a back-up stenographer in the wings? Given that the original is, er…unwell,” he added awkwardly, glancing over to where the original stenographer suddenly let out a loud noise between a heave and a sob.
The two staff members exchanged a knowing look.
And then, from one of the side desks, a bright, rosy-cheeked, young worker chimed in, “I’m newly certified! I can volunteer if no one else is available!”
The two older staff members’ eyes widened in horror.
“No!” The original stenographer had pulled the paper bag from their mouth long enough to object. “Don’t go in there! You don’t understand! Wright and Edgeworth are at it again!”
The elder staff members shuddered.
“‘At it’?” the fresh, new, innocent stenographer asked in befuddlement.
“Great,” the Bailiff said, “thanks for helping out,” and led their new replacement stenographer out into the courtroom. “Your Honor, we’ve found a replacement!”
The mutters in the courtroom quieted as the Bailiff led the new Stenographer to the bench. The new Stenographer looked around with nervous excitement; it seemed like quite a trial. The Prosecution’s eyes seemed to be burning straight through the Defense, and the Defense was looking back equally intently, gaze heated and licking his lips slightly in anticipation. What a debut!
“Thank you, Bailiff. And thank you to the replacement from the Court Reporters’ pool – apologies for the short notice.”
“N-No problem, Your Honor!” Typing began anew:
Transcript Resumed – 10:25 AM
THE COURT: If the Prosecution would care to summarize where we left off?
MR. EDGEWORTH: Of course, Your Honor. The Defense was about to open up his briefs and see if he’s slick enough to penetrate the Prosecution’s hole and fill it up to my satisfaction.
“WHAT?!?!?!?!?!”