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The bedroom is still as dark as it was when they turned in for the night, and just as quiet, the only sounds being the muffled noise of a neighborhood just barely waking up to begin the day and the general shifting creeks of a seemingly living and breathing townhouse settling into the more reasonably priced residential section of Queens. Three years into occupancy of the three bedroom home and there are still days when Jesse has to take a step back and pinch himself into believing this is all his life now. A cluttered and sometimes cat infested home that feels more lived in, in their three short years here, than his apartment ever did, boyfriend who can be adorable and insane and his only solace in life at times, and then there's…
Jesse pauses in his thoughts, taking a deep breath, in and stuttered out, chest rising and falling with effort to ease the unnecessary nervousness rising in his chest. His hands twitch against his will with anxious anticipation of the day ahead, thumbs and fingers rubbing the sheet between them in hopes of calming his unwarranted anxiety, but he knows it won't help. The only thing that will get him though this morning with some semblance of sanity is to keep busy and focused. While the alarm isn't set to go off until 5:00 A.M., Jesse reaches over and switches it off, knowing after being awake longer than he's actually slept, there is no chance of him falling asleep now. Even though they don't plan to head out on the road until closer to noon, there are still things needing packed and organized, and lists to check, check and recheck, not to mention getting themselves ready for the hour or so drive ahead of them, breakfast included, and then they have four days of visiting with family and extended family and extended-extended family (as his mother insists it wouldn't be proper not to include them). A proper family celebration is not complete without all our loved ones to share it with, but he could really do without all the hubbub. His parents and sisters, and Andrew's immediate family are okay, and their grandparents maybe, but then there is that one cousin he really likes too, and Andrew's aunt…
Shaking those thoughts too, grudgingly thinking that his mother might be right, Jesse places a kiss on the bare shoulder next to him before extracting himself from the bed slowly, in an attempt at not disturbing Andrew from what is some much needed sleep. He smiles down at the crazy mop of dark brown hair that is half buried under a pillow, feeling something like wonder take up residence in his chest. It's a testament to how tired Andrew actually is that the other man hasn't budged an inch, but it's something that Jesse has come to accept, their time together being more about making sure Andrew gets the rest he needs. Exhaustion comes with the territory of working on an action film, the third one in a row for Andrew, but thankfully, even with the tight schedule of the third (or would this be considered the sixth) Spiderman movie, Andrew's been granted a small respite for the special occasion just around the corner. It's been rough these last couple months, Jesse missing Andrew and Andrew, basically missing out on so much that even a video recorder can't capture it all, but they've managed with quick weekend trips that barely leave enough time for them to truly catch up and regroup and just be together. This is their life, a life they knew was before they even decided to give their relationship a go weeks into the promotion of The Social Network, and so far, after six years, even through all the struggles and time apart, they still seem to be making it work some how.
Jesse spares one last longing look at the back of his boyfriend's head, still teetering between just giving up on the visit home to New Jersey, but knowing his mother would never let him hear the end of it, she having already voiced her opinion on missing far too many of her only son's birthdays to even remember the count and not wanting to miss yet another equally (if not more important) celebration, Jesse forces himself to abandon the thought of crawling back into bed and curling up next to Andrew to ignore the rest of the world, and instead turns noting the time, realizing he's gotten himself behind schedule seeing as it's now after five.
He pads across the room barefoot, in boxers and a ratty-worn T-shirt, and enters the adjoining bathroom to take care of his full bladder and shower quickly. The only way he is going to tame the curls that are in dire need of a trim is to wash the bed head away, unlike his boyfriend who could probably carry the look well and make it a fashionable trend (if he hasn't already). The shower is quick and to the point, followed by teeth brushing and a shave, before he exits the bathroom to dress by the light of the closet alone (wrinkly cargo pants, another well worn and obscure T-shirt, and zipper hoodie). He's aiming for comfort at this stage of the game, well, he's always pretty much aiming for comfort really, why be uncomfortable if you don't have to be, and really, who is he trying to impress back home? People who have known him his entire life, who no matter how dressed up he attempts, there will always be something amiss that will be commented on? Why put such energy into a losing battle where you are reminded you can always be and do better?
Jesse makes his way out of their room and pads down the hallway to the next bedroom. It's nearly as dark within aside from the small nightlight on one side of the room. Jesse gingerly crosses the dimly lit room towards the other side, over to the dark cherry crib within. Like every morning since the day she arrived, Jesse's heart skips a beat when he catches sight of his daughter (their daughter), watching her sleep peacefully without a care in the world (some days wishing he could be so carefree). She has a head of light curls, full cheeks, and when she smiles, the exact same dimples Andrew is always trying to pull from Jesse because they are lovely or something strange like that, appear and there is no denying she is his daughter. Their daughter's dimples are lovely at least, in Jesse's opinion, and he does everything in his power to make her laugh in order to see them. All her other features were handed down to her from her surrogate mother, and each and every one of them are beautiful, from her button nose and cupid bow lips, to her bluer than blue eyes that take Jesse's breath away every time she looks at him. It's a wonder he is even able to function between the worrying and wonder that comes with being a father, but he's managed so far, with Andrew's help (and a heap of help from his own mother when Andrew is away), that he doesn't understand why he had been so opposed to the idea of children in the beginning. It's strange how easily she seemed to fit into their lives, as if it wasn't so much like fitting her in as it was more she returning and filling a void they hadn't even realized was there to begin with, a little Hannah shaped space that had always had her name written.
Covering Hannah with her kicked off ladybug blanket, Jesse smoothes his hand over her back as she snuffles and wiggles, hoping she sleeps at least another hour before waking and demanding the attention she fully deserves, as well as being changed and fed. He'd love nothing more than to continue watching her sleep, but there are still a million things he needs to accomplish before they are ready to leave and time is of the essence. Jesse exits the nursery as quietly as he entered only to be attack by the cats halfway down the hall, bodies weaving in and around his ankles while he walks. It's nothing but a miracle (or simply many years of experience) that he doesn't trip down the stairs to the first floor to wake up the whole house with the way they were acting, but they all three make it to the kitchen unscathed and in one piece, which is a lucky thing for the ungrateful heathens.
"Do you think I would ignore you guys?" Jesse inquires of Oscar and Felix (Andrew's name choices, not his), both staring longingly up at him and purring in anticipation, waiting for their dishes to be filled. "I'd think after five years you'd understand the routine, and need I remind you, it's not even really breakfast time yet."
The cats (Felix a sleek and kempt completely black cat and Oscar a long, wild-haired brown tiger) continue staring up at him, their heads cocking to the side in a manner of not really caring about what time it is because if he's up, he needs to be feeding them, stat. Jesse is already pulling out the container of food for their bowels, knowing it is better to appease the feline rulers of the roost than try to ignore them. If he has any hope of getting everything done, the best course of action is to feed them and pray they slink off to find a warm corner to curl up in and go back to sleep, even if it ends up throwing off their semblance of a routine.
Cats placated, for the time being, Jesse begins a pot of coffee and heads back into the living room where their packed suitcases are laid out with a checklist waiting on top each, one marked Jesse, another Andrew, another Hannah and the last one Miscellaneous. Andrew may have laughed at him and his lists, the lists that took him a week to compile (many revisions required), stating something to the fact, Jess, if we forget anything, we can just buy it, but Jesse would rather be prepared than having to worry about finding what they need while on the road. With three people to keep track of, it’s just prudent to be prepared, right? He can't be the only person in the world that needs a list for any major trip, even if the trip is only a visit home with family that is just over an hour away. Jesse is sure Andrew will be thanking him when he realizes he has enough underwear for the duration of their visit.
Grabbing a list, Jesse opens the corresponding suitcase and begins the process of unpacking and then repacking, checking and ensuring that each item on the list is present and accounted for. In the end, he rechecks his packing twice over for each suitcase, rearranging the packing, trying to make more room for unplanned return items that his mother always seems to send home with them. He loves his mother dearly, but there are days when he thinks she still sees him as struggling actor barely making it in the Big City. Jesse is just zipping up Hannah's small kiddie suitcase that his mother gave them as a shower gift, for her trips to Grandma's house, when he hears the shower running and knows Andrew has finally crawled out of bed. Looking at the cable box he registers it is just after eight, realizing the time is getting away from him without knowing it. He still has the diaper bag to check over, and then breakfast to make, and then he needs to go see Mrs. Norris next door who will be checking in on The Odd Couple while their away… did he pack them six pairs of socks or seven… Still so many things needing done that he knows he'll eventually run out of time in the end, which will probably get them on the road later than planned. So much for lists and plans.
Jesse is zipping up the diaper bag (again) when Andrew makes his way into the living room and directly towards Jesse, pulling him into a standing snuggle, one Jesse finds himself sagging into easily, the time be damned. By the time Andrew zombie-walked his way into their home the night before it was after midnight, and they barely had time for welcoming embraces before Andrew was crawling into bed and dead to the world around him. Jesse even had to help Andrew undress, that is how tired the other man was, but this now, this is nice, and again Jesse is contemplating the trip home. He is really not looking forward to sharing Andrew or Hannah with anyone else, but it's not every day their daughter turns one, and who is he to deny his daughter a huge family and present filled birthday celebration? Even Andrew's parents are flying in for the special occasion! If they skipped on the trip now he is sure they'd never hear the end of it, and find a caravan of unhappy Eisenbergs and Garfields on their front porch expressing as much.
"I see you've been busy," Andrew states breathily against his ear, easily seeing the lined up suitcases by the door. "Did you even sleep?"
"I slept," Jesse insists when Andrew pulls back to give him a worrying and disbelieving look, but quickly amends with a shrug, "A little…"
Andrew laughs, obviously used to Jesse's quirks by now, and places a kiss on his forehead, pulling him back into an even tighter embrace. "What am I going to do with you?"
Jesse returns the embrace just as tight, taking a deep breath and releasing it heavily. "Keep me? Hopefully… if you'd like..."
Andrew laughs again. "Definitely, you are definitely a keeper."
"What are you doing up?" Jesse asks, looking up at Andrew, taking in the still dark rings under tired eyes and a weary smile. "You still have a couple hours…"
"What, and leave you to all the work?"
"I can manage on my own…" Jesse states, trailing off knowing the loner card is something that always makes Andrew feel guilty about being away from home so much. "I mean… that's not… it's… I just know…"
Jesse sighs and drops his head to Andrew's chest, aborting whatever his brain was trying to come up with in apology, knowing nothing he says will be right, or make it right, because the truth is the truth. Andrew is away a lot, but it's nothing that Jesse ever holds against him. This is what he hates about their life, these moments of not syncing, the time and distance spent apart making it feel like he has to relearn Andrew, them, himself even, and there not being enough time to acclimate to being together again before Andrew heads back out into a world that doesn’t involving him or Hannah (not that they are ever far way from Andrew's thoughts). It's just hard, no matter how much they accept this is the life they signed up for.
It's not like he is the typical stay-at-home-Dad, waking to the sounds of a fussy baby, attending to her every need and desire the entire day and night, picking up the house, doing the grocery shopping and nothing else. Yes, he does do all that, but then there is the writing he has taken to focusing on since the first play he wrote was performed on stage back in 2011. He's learned a lot since Asuncion's run off Broadway (as far away from Broadway as he can get without disappearing into the woodwork): tweaking plot lines to come out of left field and sneak up behind the audience unannounced, sharpening the humor in surprising unexpected punch lines and mixing in a few hidden gems that take a few viewings to fully grasp. Yes, while Andrew is out being the super-talented-in-your-face-gorgeous-every-woman-wants-to-date (and probably more) actor splashed across the covers of magazines and cinema screens, Jesse is home most days and nights, taking care of Hannah and the house and the cats, but it doesn’t mean he is any less talented, productive, or known. He definitely hasn't slipped off the radar, if anything his success in the theater world has garnered him even more fanfare and made him a much sought after stage talent both on the stage and behind the writing (he has a musical scheduled to hit the stage in a few month's time), but on top of all that he's a Dad who just so happens to work in the same city he calls home, and finds balancing writing and stage work and taking care of their daughter isn't so much a burden as a challenge, and a fulfilling challenge at that.
"Hey, hey…" Andrew begins, well accustomed to the thought process of Jesse's head (so accustomed it's a miracle they even got and stayed together in the first place), fingers stroking through the curl's at the back of Jesse's head, helping Jesse to relax a little bit more, but it's that moment their daughter makes her unhappiness known. They both take a deep breath and sign in unison, because there never is enough time.
"You can go get…" Jesse offers before being cut off.
"No, you go," Andrew says, the corner of his mouth curling up knowingly. "You know our little princess won't be happy unless it is you she sees."
Jesse snorts, shaking his head. "You keep calling her that and she will begin to believe it."
Andrew kisses Jesse's forehead and laughs. "If I traced my lineage back far enough, I'm certain she'd at least 500th in line for the throne, so her believing it…"
Jesse extracts himself from the embrace and nudges Andrew's shoulder as he makes his way around Andrew towards the staircase. "You're insanely hopeless."
Andrew snickers again, throwing over his shoulder while walking into the kitchen. "Yeah, but you're insanely in love with me."
"Yeah, I am," Jesse states quietly to himself, ascending the stairs to the second floor.
Hannah isn't really crying in a truly upset manner, but more whimpering insistently for his attention, the faux sound of a child knowing how to get what they want while sounding pathetic and needy. Jesse, being the good Daddy he is (or at least the Daddy that is completely and total wrapped around his daughter's pinky), falls for it every time, but in all honesty, Andrew is no better either. When he enters the room Hannah's fussing stops immediately. She is standing at the corner of her crib, waiting for him.
"Da! Da!" Hannah exclaims, arms stretching out in demand to be picked up.
"Morning Munchkin," Jesse greets as he does every morning, Hannah grabbing at his nose as he picks her up, and him laughing as she does, finding it easy to love her more and more, each and every day. "Da's got a surprise for you."
He quickly gets Hannah changed (diaper and all) and is carrying her down the stairs before Andrew has even had a chance to start anything beyond his morning cup of coffee. Once they've reached the first floor, Jesse sets Hannah down on the floor and points in Andrew's direction.
"See, surprise!"
Hannah's eyes widen and she grins showing off her teeth, one of which just started coming in a week ago, and the dimples she inherited from him. She doesn't even hesitate taking off in not so steady toddle on two legs in the direction of the kitchen, screeching Andrew's name the entire way.
"Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee!"
Andrew startles at their daughter's voice and sets his eyes on Jesse who is empty handed. "Jess… wha… Oh my God, she's walking!"
"Surprise," Jesse says, smiling what he knows is a dimple grin, as he watches Andrew crouch down, waiting for Hannah to reach him on her own, wobbling here and there but never stopping.
"Dee! Dee! Dee!"
It's the cutest thing, the way Hannah refers to each of them, Da for Jesse and Dee for Andrew. She just started doing it one day, differentiating between them, out of the blue and neither felt the need to correct her in the fact that Daddy was really one word. These were her words, her names for them, and they would enjoy the names for the time being as they are probably not going to stick for long as she grows and her vocabulary increases.
"Sweetheart! I am so proud of you!" Andrew gushes, picking Hannah up and hugging her once she's reached him. "When did she start?"
"She started venturing two weeks ago, but it wasn't until the end of last week that she finally got her legs under her," Jesse replies, crossing the living room to join them in the kitchen, worried a bit he might have made a mistake in keeping this from Andrew. "I have video of her progress. I should have told you as it was happening, I know, but we kind of wanted to surprise you. I hope that's okay…"
"What? Okay?" Andrew is beaming, reminding Jesse of the day Hannah was born. Neither of them could stop smiling that day (except for the one moment Jesse did have a panic attack because hello, they were fathers and how big and crazy and just amazing is that, them being responsible for another human being, but it was really only shortly lived), but it's like every new step she takes, literally and figuratively, is that first moment all over again, filled with wonder and love and excitement. "Of course it's okay, Jess. This is amazing! She is amazing!"
Andrew leans in and kisses Jesse in an expression of how much Andrew loves him, not that Andrew really needs to remind Jesse, not really (well, maybe sometimes). Between them, their daughter pats their cheeks, squealing Da! Dee!, held securely in Andrew's arms.
"You are amazing too," Andrew adds in a whisper, pressing his forehead against Jesse's. "Thank you."
Jesse finds it silly, Andrew thanking him for something that is so second nature, first nature really, sharing the major and even smaller milestones of their daughter. Truth be told, even though Jesse is Hannah's biological father, if it wasn't for Andrew, Hannah wouldn't even be here in the first place. Andrew's always been the stronger one in their relationship, the rock so to speak, the one who allows Jesse to dream of possibilities that before seemed so unreachable. Being with the one person he'd been looking for all his life, putting acting on the back burning to pursue his passion for writing, and eventually, after a year of discussions and reassurances, convincing that while Jesse may not be the perfect Dad, he also wouldn’t be the utter failure Jesse was convinced he would be. You will be the perfect Dad for our daughter, or son, Andrew had firmly stated, and Jesse believed him. So really, it is Jesse who should be thanking Andrew for the family he has today, cats and all.
"Come on," Jesse says instead, throat a little tight. "Breakfast and then finish packing."
Breakfast at the Garfield-Eisenberg household consists of cereal, toast and fruit. The adults partake in an abundance of coffee (Jesse's with just a pinch of sugar and Andrew's might as well be considered a latte with the amount of cream he uses). Hannah has a sippy-cup of formula to go with her own cereal and crustless slice of toast, but she begs for bites of banana each time Andrew or he take a bite themselves, showing off her teeth. Andrew notices the newly broken through tooth and again is in awe of how fast she is growing.
"Where is the little pumpkin we brought home?" Andrew asks after a deep, nostalgic sigh as they settle on the couch for a moment of watching Hannah toddle around the living room. "I feel like every time I blink I miss something. Next thing you know she's going to be walking down the aisle..."
"Can we please just make it through her first birthday " Jesse interrupts, because even being here, day in and day out, witnessing each and every change as it happens, time still seems to continue slipping through his fingers. He can't even begin to understand how Andrew feels being away as much as he is.
"One year," Andrew repeats, voicing wonder Jesse himself feels when he lets himself think about it too much. "Can you believe it? She's going to be a year old! And you thought we'd never make it."
The gentle tease makes Jesse smile. He honestly didn't think they would make it. Taking care of a cat (even half a dozen cats) is one thing. Cats were always temporary things for Jesse, revolving tenants that needed to be given food and shelter, with a few scratches behind the ear, a place to call home for the short while needed to place them with a good family, that is until Andrew entered the picture with a plaintive, We have to give him back?. That is how they ended up with Oscar and then Felix six months later (the cats Andrew doesn't know about while he is away filming won't hurt him), and pretty much what started their little family.
"I'm sure we will receive an earful from her when she's older of all our embarrassing mistakes," Jesse assures Andrew, knowing that is truer than he's ready to think of. "We've still got plenty of time mess things up."
"Messing up is the most fun part," Andrew says, grinning at the disbelieving look Jesse gives him. "Scary sometimes, but it's living, Jess. No one is perfect, and if they were, where would the fun be in life? We'll stumble, make mistakes and get right back up and try to be better the next time. No one said to be parents we had to be perfect."
Thank God, Jesse thinks, resting his head back against the couch as he watches Andrew watch their daughter explore the living room, giving the cats a run for their money. If only he could press pause and freeze this moment in time, them as a family enjoy an early morning together where neither is running out the door for a meeting or to catch a flight or a doctor's appointment or a play date with the other mommies and babies of the neighborhood. Jesse is definitely looking forward to the end of this filming schedule Andrew's been on the last two months.
Jesse startles when he realizes Andrew is staring back at him. Andrew's thinking about something, something important, profound even, warm, brown eyes expressing the seriousness of whatever it is, even if it's only serious to Andrew himself, which Jesse highly doubts. The last time he'd seen Andrew look at him like that a discussion about the future (their future to be exact) followed, ideas about being more than a rumored controversial Hollywood couple. Settling down, starting a family, something Jesse just never before thought about as being his life, but with Andrew going on about curly-topped kids running about and talking in an accent that isn't quite New York but far removed from proper English, Andrew just made the idea of family sound appealing, possible.
"What?" Jesse breaks down and asks. "Do I have cereal on my face?"
Jesse goes to wipe at a cheek, but Andrew grabs his hand, shaking his head. "No, that's not it."
"Then what?"
Andrew continues staring at him, eyes full of wonder and love, adoration and pure happiness. The fact he is able to pull such an intense gaze from Andrew still surprises Jesse to this day. It's nothing short of a miracle, at least to Jesse, that still to this day its intensity makes Jesse feel a little self-conscience, as if he isn't worth it. And then Andrew goes and says something that takes his breath away every time.
"Someday, I'm going to get you to marry me," Andrew states, not hoping to make it come true, not doubting it either, simply telling Jesse this is what is going to happen, someday. It is going to happen.
Statements like that also have a way of closing Jesse's throat up and stealing his ability to speak. It's not like they haven't discussed this topic before, because they have. Shortly after same-sex marriage became legal in New York, especially before they brought Hannah into the hectic equation of their lives, but for all the discussions they've had, Andrew has yet to convince Jesse to take the big plunge, so to speak. Not that choosing to become parents isn't a big step, and not that he can really explain it at all when his mother asks each and every time they come for a visit whether he and Andrew plan on making it all official. The thing is, it's not like they need someone spouting a few fancy words and pronouncing them married, or exchanging vows before their family and friends for Jesse and Andrew to know they are committed to each other. Truth be told, and he has had many session with his psychiatrist about this very topic, Jesse has a slight fear in regards to making their commitment official. Why change something that is already working? Why temp fate, when this is the happiest Jesse has ever been in his entire life?
And then moments like this happen, much like when they decided to become fathers, where Jesse wonders why he is even dragging his feet. What really is there for him to fear? Certificate of Marriage or not, Andrew isn't going anywhere any time soon (or at least he isn't going to be gone for long when his work pulls him away from home) and Jesse is always going to wait for Andrew to come back home to them. Paper or no paper, what they have isn't really any different than what their parents have, it's just always been on their terms, but even marriage can be on their terms, right?
"I think you've been talking to my mom too much... Or Emma... " Jesse teases, but the seriousness of the conversation is still close at hand, the joke doing little to lighten the mood.
"Or my own mum?" Andrew offers, and yes, Andrew's mother is definitely worse than his own in regards to the marriage thing.
"Why Andrew, are trying to make an honest man out of me?"
Andrew snorts and grins, followed by a light blushing on the cheeks, and ducks his head to mumble. "Perhaps, something like that…"
Jesse's eyes widen in shock, and his heart stutters to a stop. "Wait… Um… Are… Are you asking me to?
"Perhaps," Andrew replies hopefully, but says nothing further, locking eyes with Jesse's to watch and take in Jesse's reaction to their conversation.
Jesse doesn't know if he is breathing or not because he's still trying to wrap his brain around it all. Yes, they've talked about marriage before, shortly after moving in together, after it had been legalized in New York for same sex couples, when they finally decided to try and become parents, right after Hannah was born, but Jesse continued expressing his apprehension about the big step. It really doesn't make much sense now, though. If there is anyone he would want to marry, it would definitely be Andrew, but there's always been a little hitch in his chest when thinking about marriage, fear maybe, that it would change everything and he really doesn't want to do anything that could possible make Andrew go away. Yes, he knows that really does sound ridiculous seeing as they are now same-sex parents to a beautiful little girl but still not married. He has definitely always been one to march to the beat of his own drum, something he is grateful every day never deterred Andrew from him, but looking at their lives now, again, really thinking about what Andrew means to him, what they have together, it really is stupid to continue dragging his feet in the matter knowing Andrew has been ready since… well… since forever. Yes, marriage may change things between them, but it doesn't necessarily mean the change will be bad, right? Maybe that feeling in his chest, that hitch and ache, the fluttering, never really was fear. Maybe it was pure, unadulterated happiness and excitement, knowing that as much as he loves Andrew, Andrew loves him equally back. Maybe, that hitch in his chest is a normal reaction when one is contemplating spending the rest of their lives with another.
"Hmmmm..." Jesse hums, breaking their eye contact and scooting a little closer to lean against Andrew, head resting on Andrew's shoulder. He can feel Andrew tense slightly at first, but then Andrew relaxes, fingers automatically curling around the strands of Jesse's hair. They sit in silence, watching Hannah chase after Felix and Oscar, exclaiming 'Kee! Kee!' as they dart away. Luckily they are faster and more dexterous than the one-year-old, but he knows they enjoy the run and chase when the cats double back to make sure Hannah is still following. Jesse sighs with contentment, and adds, "I might let you."
"What?" Andrew asks, looking down as Jesse looks up at him.
"Make an honest man of me," Jesse clarifies, his lips curling up slightly at the happy surprise in Andrew's eyes.
"Are… Are you saying…" Andrew stops and sits up straighter, turning to face Jesse. "Are you saying yes?"
Jesse shrugs, but he can't stop the splitting grin spreading his mouth wide enough that he knows his damn dimples are showing again, but he doesn't care. He has never been more sure about a decision before. Granted, he still feels the residual hitch in his chest, still holds some apprehension about the changes to come (old habits die hard), but he's now more mad at himself for waiting this long to come to terms with the fact that none of the important things between them will really change by officially declaring their love for one another, because for all intents and purpose they've already been living the married life and it would be silly to not take the next step and make it official.
"Perhaps," Jesse barely manages to reply before Andrew tackles him on the couch, mouth silencing anything else Jesse was planning on saying. They kiss and laugh and spout I love yous back and forth, and when Andrew pulls back, still leaning over Jesse, he's smiling and maybe crying a little, the back of a hand wiping at one eye, and Jesse finds he's never loved anyone in his entire life the way he loves Andrew. "I'm sorry I made you wait so long."
Andrew laughs again, smiling and shaking his head at Jesse (probably thinking him silly). "You, Jesse Eisenberg, are ridiculous."
Jesse snorts, because yeah, he is. "But you love me ridiculously."
Andrew's smile becomes more subdued, maybe a little more serious, when he replies, "Yeah, yeah I do."
There's that hitch again, something that is definitely not fear, and Jesse nods, accepting the feeling for what it truly is. "I love you ridiculously too."