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We were surrounded by honeymooners. Like I had needed reminding of how abnormal I was. Men and women were cuddled up together in the cramped economy class that was headed to France/Switzerland. All but Ollie and I. We were cramped together but not cuddling, on the contrary we were huddled around a laptop, inhaling all the information we could find about our destination, the Large Hadron Collider. Ollie kept touching my hand, but I hardly noticed, let alone got the hint, I was restless, distracted by the canoodling couples.
Why couldn’t I just be normal like my friends, like in the moives. Lilly had had boyfriends galore, Jas had Sid, even Ollie had a crushes, Ollie of all people. I thought he understood that relationships were a distraction, didn’t he notice how Lilly lost her ambition as soon as she got with Rob. Ollie actually entering a relationship though, that made me stop. Ollie was as brilliant as ever, everyone else in the school had crushes, even the greatest minds like Dr Nox had partners. What about me? I thought I was just a late bloomer but I’m seventeen, at this point I must be broken, there must be a problem. All my friends are pairing off, at this point only Rufus is single, and he likes worms.
…
I was preparing slides when I met the winner of the competition. I was a devastated when I found out Jas lied to me about winning, I lost my confidence again. I tried to confide in Ollie, he tried to be there for but wasn’t much help, he kept turning beetroot and having to hurry off somewhere. His frequent escapes met I started spending more time with the winner, Gustav. We sat together at dinner, returning to the lab afterwards to continue our research together. We swapped phone numbers and texted constantly, sharing our theories. Gustav was so intelligent; I couldn’t walk straight around him, I’d never met someone who is dare I say, smarter than me. Like Lilly said about Rob, he’s the best person in world. Maybe I could get myself to have a crush. Maybe this is what love feels like. I thought Gustav could fix me, that I might as well try. That I could do it because everyone else could….
…
I tried flirting a few times. I picked lint off his coat like they do in the movies. I laughed at all his puns like Lilly laughs at Rob’s jokes. I delivered him a cupcake like that one website said. It felt wrong, I thought I was so in love with him, he was smart, charismatic, motivated, my perfect guy…. But I was forcing myself through the motions, if only he’d be my boyfriend and then I would be fixed, he could set my heart right. He eventually noticed my efforts and asked me to be his girlfriend. He promised a future of scientific acclaim, he said he knew he could get a Noble Prize and that I could join him. So, I did.
…
I was looking forward to going to see Gustav in Sweeden. I hadn’t been feeling the things I should have been, so I just faked it, sure seeing him in person would be just what I needed to have a proper crush. I was so excited for my friends to meet Gustav at the Christmas party; I could introduce him properly just like when Jas introduced us to Sid.
When the day came, Gustav was very underwhelmed by the party and disappointed in my choice of friends. I thought it was a strange way for him to act but let it go because Sid regularly protests against our positions as prefects and he’s Jas’s boyfriend. He goes against us even though we are Jas’s friends, so I assumed it must be ok for Gustav to do the same. Being in a relationship was not like I expected. When I first started flirting with him, I thought I’d be quickly fixed and could get on with my life, but he made a painting of us. A painting! I was so confused, this was like Jas and Sid’s Valentine’s Day llamas and Lilly’s icey pole stick soccer stadium, it was like we had been together months, it’s like he actually wanted a romantic relationship and not just to fit in. I do not understand these people, are friends not enough? Why do you need paper mache llamas? The painting was a thing in itself, I didn’t like it, it was weird, I made my stomach churn. However, I reasoned, Lilly never liked Rob’s gifts, but Rob didn’t know that. I think couples often pretend to like gifts from each other, I wouldn’t know though, I haven’t been in one since. The strangest thing about that day was that my friends thought I was being silly. They had always wanted me to be in a relationship but when I was, they complained about it. I thought what I was doing was what I was supposed to do. I flirted with him, I talked to my friends about him, I pretended to like his gift, what more could they ask?
Turns out, through this, I had forgotten something vital, I am still quite ashamed of myself. I forgot to do my research. As I hurried home, I was struck by this horrific oversight of mine, I had neglected even a simple google search. Now, I know quora is not the most credible of websites, but it was a start. I was relieved to find that a lot of people have had my problem, that I wasn’t alone. What didn’t make sense was that all these people still seemed to want relationships? I still didn’t understand. I eventually ended up on another forum with others asking the same question, “Why have I never had a crush?, What are these other people on about?” Something a user said particularly stuck out to me, “there are a bunch of people like us, aromantics.” That simple sentence made Gustav single and made me feel like I was walking on air. I have my people, I have my friends, and years later, I have my Noble Prize, with my friend Ollie, and without Gustav.
Authors note: It's been awhile since I wrote this, thankyou guys for the kudos and the kind comments, re-reading them made my day :) <3