Work Text:
I
The first time Jeonghan saw Joshua inside their well-lit wooden house that was full of Christmas gifts and fairy lights, he was immediately sparked with the urge to protect and keep the latter from any harm in the so-called chaotic world that they were both living in. The latter was nothing but an innocent little bean that had to be tucked under Jeonghan's pocket for protection, a small little thing compared to the world and the people that lived on it.
Jeonghan was afraid - he was only turning seven - yet for some reason, he bore far more knowledge and intelligence for someone as young as him, and he knew that the world could be such an enormous place for Joshua. It was a world that could corrupt his innocence, and a place that could destroy every little piece of him.
And even though he was not a knight in some kind of a shining armor in the fairy tales Seungkwan would share to him sometimes - he definitely did not know how to ride a horse and let alone carry a sword - all the male knew was that he wanted to protect Joshua from the world the moment he laid his eyes on him, glowing underneath the light of their chandelier, and vowed under his breath to protect the promise he made for the other child.
Jeonghan mumbled out the moment they met eyes with a smile planted on his lips. "Do you want to play with me?"
Joshua slowly peeked out from his mother's side at the sudden attention, their wooden floor creaking in annoyance as he moved from his initial spot but his small hand was still wrapped around the burgundy blouse his mother was wearing, hesitancy and fear still present in his actions as he glanced at Jeonghan warily.
Jeonghan's words were not enough to convince the other child to play with him. And because of that, the said male brushed him off with a small yet audible words of, "One second," slipping out of his mouth before dashing towards his small room, grabbing all the toys he could find and reach as fast as he could.
He didn't want to make Joshua wait so much in spite of knowing that the said male probably didn't even want to play with him. However, he didn't let that thought pull him off of his objective. Stuffing them all into his arms, Jeonghan ran back to the living room where his family and the other male's family were talking casually, smiles embroidering their lips that helped established a comforting and warm ambiance between them.
Well, everyone except the little child who was still holding his mother's blouse, his lips quivering and eyes gleaming with fear at the unfamiliarity.
Joshua stood near the rusty fireplace as his parents sat on the brown leather sofa, drinking in every bit of the wooden furniture that he was surrounded with but he looked like he wanted to go home with the way he kept on stealing glances at old oak door right in front of him.
"Do you want to play with me?" Jeonghan gently uttered out and this time, he placed all of the toys that he somehow managed to carry with him to the ground for the other child to take in and play with. He admitted, he was selfish and was not a big fan of sharing his toys - mainly the reason why he and Seungcheol fight quite a lot much to everyone's dismay - but just one look from the other child made Jeonghan want to give up almost everything and just offer it all to him.
Jeonghan realized this as he watched how interesting it was to observe Joshua's reaction from afar, how entertaining it was to see how his eyes left his and fell to all of the toys that were scattered around the wooden floor.
Joshua's frown disappeared, and Jeonghan felt relieved.
A soft gasp was pulled out of the male's mouth.
There was a convincing train of thoughts that clouded Jeonghan's mind for a brief second, bringing him up to the conclusion of thinking that the other male was calling out to him shyly. The suggestive ideas caused something to stir inside his stomach, and he couldn't point out what but the feeling dispersed into the thin air when he followed Joshua's eyes and saw what had captured his attention, realizing that he was looking at a limited edition toy that Jeonghan got as a birthday gift.
Slowly grabbing the toy as if he was aware of all the thoughts that were running inside the male's mind, Jeonghan wanted to reach it out to Joshua who finally left his mother's side and was now standing not too far away from him. The male could see the restrain in Joshua's figure, the way his hands itch to hold and grab the toy away from his grasp but it seemed like his fear and uncertainty made him stay put and just stare at the toy from afar unfortunately.
Jeonghan was aware of the fact that Joshua was still afraid of him, reluctant to be even near him thinking like he was one of the monsters that he would dream of at night but despite this, the older child was determined to be his friend.
Jeonghan wanted to play with him and not only that, he also wanted to be a part of Joshua's life and to protect him from any type of danger and harm that life will abruptly throw up against them.
Jeonghan carefully walked towards him, his steps sometimes faltering to give Joshua all the chance to run away if he wanted to but much to his expectations, the latter didn't run away and instead stayed in his spot, watching Jeonghan with anticipation and interest blinking in his eyes.
And when Jeonghan was finally in front of Joshua, he didn't hesitate to hand it to the latter and immediately smiled at the way he wrapped his small hand around the toy and emitted out a little squeal of delight.
And as a smile was forming on Joshua's lips, Jeonghan vowed to keep him safe and happy.
For forever and eternity.
II
"Seungcheol-hyung." The said male looked up from the thick textbook he was holding and glanced at Seungkwan who called out to him quietly. "Yeah?"
Seungkwan asked. "Why is Jeonghan-hyung sulking over there?"
Seungcheol snorted at the question, a smile gracing his lips as he put down the textbook on the rough wooden table and pointed out to where the two best friends were, muttering out, "Because you see, Kwannie, Joshua here is talking to his new friend, Wonwoo. And because of that, he's too busy to even pay attention to Jeonghan."
"Is it me or Jeonghan-hyung is jealous?" Seungkwan was not one to assume, and he also didn't like sticking up his nose into someone else's business but he just couldn't stop himself from asking as he observed the unlikely sight that was unfolding before them - and that unlikely sight was no other than Jeonghan sulking on the corner of the dusty staircase with his arms folded around his chest and an unconscious pout planted on his lips.
Jeonghan's eyebrows were furrowing more and more as he watched Joshua talk to someone that wasn't him, and Seungkwan was not even sure if he should save his older friend from his own misery or try and find the common senses that Jeonghan must've lost somewhere in his life.
"He's definitely jealous." Seungcheol answered with a chuckle slipped out of his mouth.
It wasn't a secret that Seungcheol found the sight of Jeonghan sulking very amusing, knowing how much the latter tried to prove and convince everyone how tough and strong he was but then it would only take one look from his best friend for Jeonghan's walls to break and crumble into pieces.
The sight was definitely entertaining - one that Seungcheol wanted to record and tease Jeonghan about everyday - but he had to keep his phone tucked safely in his pocket or else he'll probably end up dead with Jeonghan feeding his intestines to the crows if the latter would ever know his objectives.
Seungcheol also had to look away since the teacher decided that it was such a perfect day to bombard him with a lot of assignments to do, and even though the male didn't want to do it, only had the urge to play games with Seungkwan or use his phone the whole day, Seungcheol still needed to pass and that meant that he had suffer and work on his assignments unfortunately.
"Look, hyung! Jeonghan-hyung left and guess what, Joshua-hyung followed him!"
Seungcheol hummed in response as he flipped a page on his thick textbook, blood threatening to flow out from his nose as he did his best to revive his brain back to life and use it productively, but he probably needed a few more rituals for his brain to completely work and help him come up with firm answers that he desperately needed. He didn't understand anything truthfully but as long as he could pass and put down something, then that was better than nothing. "Let them be, they'll solve their own problem and maybe also fix Jeonghan's jealousy."
Jeonghan couldn't understand the emotions he was feeling.
He was mad, upset and disappointed in the same time. Was this even possible?
There was a storm surging inside his head and his heart was threatening to burst out of his chest, was he alright or should he rush to the hospital now?
Jeonghan was no longer surprised if his body would randomly decide to just collapse in the middle of afternoon on the dusty staircase that he was sitting on, just right in front of the cafeteria where Seungkwan and Seungcheol were shamelessly observing him, and beside his best friend who was currently not paying attention to him.
His emotions were too overwhelming to the point that even Jeonghan himself couldn't put his finger on that matter. He couldn't understand his emotions right now, so how could he expect others to understand it for him?
Jeonghan wanted the grounds to open and suck him out of his misery, or jump down a rabbit hole and never see the daylight again.
He couldn't understand why he wanted to steal Joshua away from that Wonwoo guy and scream to him that Joshua was his, or probably throw Wonwoo away to another country and keep his best friend all to himself. But Jeonghan got himself a reality check and remembered that Joshua didn't belong to him.
He was only his best friend for goodness' sake. Joshua didn't belong to anyone and certainly not to him, so why was he feeling this way?
His hands were itching to throw a punch to the guy's direction, but Jeonghan controlled himself and instead folded both of his arms together. He could've placed them on his hair but the male was afraid that he'd tug them too hard out of annoyance and then suddenly end up as a bright light bulb as a result. He debated that it was rather safer for him and his hair to just fold them over his chest.
Jeonghan wanted to avert his eyes at the interaction, the sight in front of him was digging up a hole in his heart and was stinging his eyes for a reason that even the male himself didn't know what but in spite of that, he couldn't find it in himself to look away.
But when it was finally unbearable to watch the interaction, Jeonghan walked away from the two briskly with tears threatening to fall down from his eyes, but he flickered them all away with a brief brush of his thumb before curving them back into fists.
He couldn't handle it anymore, the hole in his heart was so deep and he felt like he couldn't breathe anymore. His heart would've been crushed into pieces if he continued to linger any longer, so he left. He was good at leaving anyway.
Settling in a small and brown bench that he found at the corner of the oddly tranquil playground, Jeonghan grabbed some random pebbles that were scattered all around the ground before throwing them back again vigorously with a pout embedded on his lips, murmuring, "Joshuji is mine. He gave me a primrose and promised to buy me a land. He also promised that we'll plant primroses together but I guess he has a new best friend now."
Jeonghan continued to throw the pebbles back to the grassy ground to pass some time and think of things he could do that didn't require his best friend's presence who was obviously still talking to that Wonwoo guy - let them talk, he didn't care - only to abruptly stop in his actions when a pair of feet came to his view, yanking him out of his thoughts and making him forget the ideas that he had already formed in his mind.
"Jeonghan, what's wrong?" Joshua asked with a frown plastered on his lips as he rushed to Jeonghan's side and held his hand. His eyes were pleading the male to tell him his thoughts but Jeonghan looked away and refused to give in to him. "Hannie, please tell me.'"
Jeonghan looked at him for a moment, thoughts running all over his head as he found himself stuck on a dilemma if he should tell his best friend or not. At some point, he was tempted to listen to his own thoughts and not tell Joshua the reason why. Embarrassment was flooding his system at the abrupt realization of his sudden behavior. He was childish and immature, and he didn't want to let Joshua know that but at the last minute, he let his walls crumble down into pieces and succumbed to the male's pleading eyes.
Jeonghan was weak.
And he was weak for Joshua.
He couldn't say no to him no matter how much he would try to.
"I---" Jeonghan closed his mouth with the hopes to gather words that could probably emphasize his points, words that could potentially weave some sense and color his world alight but his mind was blank and bore no thoughts as if all the ideas he had earlier were nothing but figments of his imaginations that would always disperse away once he was already awake.
The male bit his lips in disappointment as he looked away and darted his eyes to a random pebble that he threw to the ground a little too vigorously earlier, his mind coming useless and failing to process out words that he could've sputtered out during their conversation. "Umm---"
"Yoon Jeonghan," the said male's hesitancy was somehow an answer that was enough for Joshua, all his thoughts laced with curiosity and pleads vanishing the minute he sensed that the light question he threw to Jeonghan was already something heavy and hard for him to answer.
Joshua squeezed his hand briefly and lightly, hoping for the other male to be at least comforted at the small gesture before leaving his side and crouching down in front of him with a string of sighs tumbling out of his mouth. "Are you alright?"
"You won't leave me?" Instead of gaining an answer, he was met with a question instead.
Jeonghan wanted to look away, unwilling to gaze into his best friend's eyes that were sparkling in different kinds of emotions he wished he knew how to describe, but he needed to know Joshua's answer no matter what. Even if he sounded childish and immature, he just had to know.
"I won't." Joshua's answer was small and brief, but it meant everything to Jeonghan.
"Will you stay with me forever?" Jeonghan was afraid. The male harbored thoughts that would always make him believe that Joshua was going to leave him soon, and that the friendship they had was nothing but a stack of cards ready to be blown by the wind.
Joshua meant so much to him, and a life without his best friend was a life that Jeonghan didn't want to live.
Joshua was his pillar, his happy pill and his safety pin. He was someone he could depend on, and trust wholeheartedly. He could be vulnerable in front of him. Of course, Jeonghan knew that Joshua would never leave him, and he promised it to him the day he gave him the primrose but Jeonghan was still weak and insecure.
No one was an exception to fear and doubts, and Jeonghan was one battling them. "I won't. I'll be eternally here, Jeonghan. I promise."
"Then I'm alright," Jeonghan uttered, squeezing Joshua's hand back with a smile. "When I'm with you, everything's always alright."
III
Maybe, everything was not always alright.
The young Yoon Jeonghan was naïve and carefree, but the older Yoon Jeonghan knew better now.
Life was unfair. And that was what he believed now.
"Jeonghan," a familiar voice chirmed from the squeaky birch door and before Jeonghan could even take off the black round glasses that he was wearing and prepare himself for the nagging that he was about to receive, the door was burst open and revealed Joshua who was carefully holding a mahogany tray containing food - the male saw that it was a burger - a glass of water and a pill.
"What are you doing here, Joshua?" Jeonghan's intention was not to snap but to simply ask a question, but his foul mood and the constant clench in his chest made his voice come out like a snap and a bite that Joshua visibly winced at, leading to a pained expression lighting up all over his face.
"Do you not want me to be here---" Jeonghan interrupted his best friend from finishing his own words and quickly helped him put the tray down before grabbing his hand and muttering out breathlessly, "I'm sorry, Shua. I do want you here and I'm really happy that you're here now but it's just that I'm in bad mood nowadays and my chest is painful. I feel like my lungs are being squeezed together but I'm okay, I promise."
"I know," Joshua sighed and turned to the things that he brought with him. "Wonwoo told me about it and here, drink this to soothe the pain."
"Thanks." Jeonghan mumbled out after he drank the medicine that Joshua gave to him, feeling the pain easing out a little and the constant clench in his chest disappearing slowly but he failed to stop a few coughs from coming out of his mouth - coughs that were too harsh and hard that Jeonghan couldn't stop himself from curving his hand into a fist and then slamming it to the plastic table a little too vigorously, his best friend flinching in surprise as a result. "Jeonghan?"
"N-no, no, i-it's okay," Jeonghan was far from okay, he could barely even maintain his balance with the amount of coughs that were punctured out of his lungs and the way his surroundings were starting to spin around but he had to pretend that he was fine for Joshua.
He had to; he needed to, even if the slight attack drained out every bit of his energy that could've built up words afterwards. He didn't want Joshua to worry. He could handle this.
When Jeonghan was sure that he could finally manage out words without slurring or muffling them in the end, he murmured out with a slight smile plastered on his lips, convincing Joshua and himself that, "they're just coughs, Shua."
"Are you sure, Han?" Joshua questioned, but it was a question that even Jeonghan himself didn't know the answer. All he could do was beam at his best friend, hoping that it was convincing enough to ease his worries. "I'm sure."
Joshua sighed afterwards, and Jeonghan wasn't sure if it was because he was relieved or disappointed.
Jeonghan was a little too late to gather his thoughts altogether and let them all roam free because he was already being dragged to his bed by no other than his best friend desperately.
There were a string of reasons escaping out of Jeonghan's mouth as he tried to stop Joshua from preventing him to do his schoolwork, vehemently telling the latter that he still had a ton of assignments and projects to do - he even had a test tomorrow - but Joshua wouldn't budge in his decision and was even scarier that the nightmares Jeonghan would sometimes have at night.
"No, you're not going to do your assignments." Joshua spoke firmly, sounding like there was something more to his words.
There were probably more threats and warnings coated in Joshua's words but Jeonghan knew better that they held nothing and were empty like his wallet that was crying on the corner silently. "You're going to rest whether you like it or not, Jeonghan."
"You need to rest too, you know?" Jeonghan couldn't give out his response to Joshua's question because the former was already being tucked into his soft bed with his favorite cotton blanket and fuzzy cyan pillow enveloped all around him. "I know you're busy, but you're tired as well. You won't be able to finish all your projects and receive information good enough to pass your test if you have a tired and overworked brain. I'm doing this for you Jeonghan, please take care of yourself. I worry about you too."
Sensing this as a chance to persuade Joshua again with the accompaniment of a gentle promise to take care of himself better at the end of his monologue, Jeonghan was ready to part his mouth slightly and release out words that could hopefully convince his best friend and change his mind but out of all times - and of life's perfect timing - Joshua just had to walk away that exact moment and dash towards the restroom briskly.
Jeonghan could only let out a sigh in the end. The said male knew that he could just ignore his best friend's words and stubbornly continue his work despite having Joshua's nagging in the background but when he attempted to rise up, Jeonghan released out a groan and suddenly he was in pain. He was feeling hot all of a sudden, and everything around him was spinning.
"Jeonghan?" The said male could hear his best friend's voice faintly but he was not in the right mind to completely process it. He was already done using the restroom? His surroundings were blurry and he was getting dizzy.
"Jeonghan, are you okay? Oh my gosh---" The next thing Jeonghan knew was that he succumbed to the darkness, and along that void of unconsciousness, there was something that bloomed in his chest.
When Jeonghan woke up a few hours later, he was still burning hot like he was being fried alive but this time, his head was no longer spinning and the pain was a little more bearable at least. His chest clenched again, resulting to a batch of coughs being thrown out of his mouth but Jeonghan fortunately managed to regain his breathing and strength in the end.
The male figured that it was probably night time already, the questions running all over his head given an answer as his gaze gravitated towards the open window that illuminated the moon's light, feeding him an assumption that it was still not too far off from midnight.
Jeonghan attempted to rise up from his bed to do his schoolwork but then his eyes fell to the sight of the mahogany tray Joshua brought for him earlier perched on top of the plastic table, causing a chain reaction of his stomach chiming in announcement and forgetting all of the tasks that he still had to do.
Jeonghan moved from his bed with his hand hovering over his chest, it was as if something was growing inside of him that was causing the slight pain and the discomfort that he was feeling but the male disregarded the idea as a figment of his imagination. It was probably the effect of staying awake too much and missing out his precious sleep because of all his school related activities.
Jeonghan gritted his teeth as a hiss slip out of his mouth, the coldness and frigidness that the floor provided was something that caught him off of his guard. It was getting too cold and the said male needed to shut the window or else he'll probably freeze himself to death and snag a one-way ticket to the underworld.
Jeonghan darted towards the window with a tight hold on the cotton white blanket that was wrapped around him, immediately closing it the second his hands managed to find their way to its handle.
He grabbed the burger that was on the tray afterwards, a smile curving to his lips at the thought of his best friend leaving it for him to consume but Jeonghan was snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of his stomach threatening to burst in anger, the need to eat growing stronger at every second that was passing by but before he could even part his mouth open and take a bite, a soft snore that was barely even audible to one's ear filled the quiet room and halted Jeonghan in his movement.
The male placed back the burger on the plate before turning around, trying to find the source of the small noise from his room.
Last time Jeonghan had checked, his house was definitely not haunted.
His room was dark and dim, it was hard to see things clearly in spite of having the moon's light illuminating the place but it didn't take forever for his question to be given an answer and for his eyes to see the young male who was sleeping peacefully on his bed.
A sigh stumbled out of Jeonghan's lips as he gazed at Joshua who stayed behind and lay beside the former despite knowing well that he was feeling under the weather. Jeonghan grumbled under his breath. "You're going to get sick as well, why did you stay?"
Jeonghan muttered out in spite of knowing that his best friend was fast asleep and was not conscious enough to give a response to his question. Jeonghan leaned closer to where Joshua was lying but maintained his distance carefully as he didn't want the latter to get sick and be affected by his presence.
Slowly, he raised his finger and tenderly traced Joshua's jaw line and the bridge of his nose before stroking his best friend's cheek gently, another sigh coming out of his mouth as a result.
And just like that, Jeonghan was bombarded with a lot of thoughts that reminded him of all the things Joshua did for him, how the latter made him happy and took care of him even though it was supposed to be the other way around - even promising it himself ever since they were kids.
He thought of all the jokes Joshua uttered out and his silly actions that weren't even funny but it made Jeonghan's chest feel warm and he'd always laugh out in the end even if it was corny and dumb.
Jeonghan thought of how Joshua would always text him if he was resting and eating properly, and how he'd always pay him a visit just to make sure that he was really doing fine in spite of their schedules not sharing the same harmony.
Jeonghan thought of how Joshua never left him, how the latter had always been at his side ever since they were kids, and how he was always there even if the former was at his worst and darkest moments as well as his brightest and happiest days.
Jeonghan's heart fluttered, but something also blossomed inside of him.
Before the male knew it, he suddenly had the urge to throw up and he felt sick.
The male didn't hesitate to move from his spot, and he dashed towards the restroom, the blanket silently falling to the black marble floor. Jeonghan puked immediately the moment he clutched the white toilet bowl with his hands for support and shut his eyes tightly as he felt his strength and energy leave his body once again.
And when he opened his eyes, tears flowed out. Jeonghan coughed again, but a petal left his mouth instead.
IV
Hanahaki disease was an illness born from unrequited or one-sided love; it was an illness where the victim would puke out and cough up the petals and the flowers growing inside their lungs.
If left untreated, the flowers will grow large enough to render breathing impossible and lead to death.
Hanahaki can be cured through surgical removal of the plants' roots, or if the object of the victim's affection would return their feelings. But undergoing surgery will erase the victim's feelings and sometimes, the memories, of the person they loved the most.
Jeonghan was suffering from the hanahaki disease.
Life was truly unfair.
V
It was hard to ignore Joshua, because the said male was always there. It was hard to ignore the pain in his chest, but now Jeonghan knew it was because of the flowers that had found solace in his lungs.
It was hard to breathe, but it was also hard for him to tell Joshua what he truly felt for him.
When Jeonghan finally understood, he wanted to laugh but all he did was cry and scream in spite of the pain he was feeling. He didn't know how much petals he would throw up every day, but the male knew that they were slowly growing inside his lungs and that he was growing weaker and weaker every single day.
Jeonghan would try to put on a convincing smile every time Joshua was around, the former didn't want his best friend to worry about him and especially feel guilty if he knew of the truth.
And thankfully, life was at Jeonghan's side for once as Joshua didn't question why he would always have a scarf wrapped around his neck almost all of the time but even if he would, Jeonghan already had an excuse prepared, saying that the weather was too cold for him to handle.
And even though it was partly true, Jeonghan in reality didn't want Joshua to see the trail of visible vines and roots that were slowly bruising his skin, as well as the thorns that were puncturing the life and air out of his lungs gradually.
The roots were growing, he could feel them every time he would move but he kept his silence.
Joshua was never there every time Jeonghan would throw up another batch of petals.
Whether it was because of luck or of life's perfect timing as a way to apologize to him for being so unfair and cruel, Jeonghan was glad that his best friend won't be able to see and know the torture that he was going through.
Joshua didn't deserve that.
Even though Joshua was the reason why Jeonghan was suffering terribly.
In spite of this, Jeonghan never blamed him. Jeonghan blamed himself for falling in love, but did he regret it?
No, he didn't.
It was not hard to love Joshua, despite the circumstances and their friendship at risk, Jeonghan still fell in love. And in the same time, it was also hard to forget his feelings for him.
Jeonghan was not dumb. He knew that Joshua had already noticed the drastic change in his behavior, noticed the way he was weak now and his loss of appetite despite being an avid lover of food but he didn't question it, and for that, Jeonghan was grateful.
Although Jeonghan was no longer sure if he should stand by his words now because his best friend would never leave him alone anymore. Jeonghan was supposed to forget him and erase the harboring feelings he had for him but how could he when he had Joshua revolving around him now?
Jeonghan was not only dumb, but he was also in love.
Despite how weak he was, he forced himself to stand up and see the performance that his best friend had always been excited for. He never failed to tell Jeonghan snippets of his days through their video calls whenever he couldn't come by and tell him of how he practiced well and made sure to exceed everyone's expectations.
Jeonghan wished he could've seen how Joshua practiced every day instead of being confined in a small box that he called as his room after dropping out of school, surrounded by boxes of tissues, a wet blanket and a silver bucket underneath his bed.
Jeonghan wanted to tell Joshua that he had always made everyone proud - made him proud - but all Jeonghan could muster out in the end was a fit of coughs and strained hums.
Jeonghan was hopelessly in love with his best friend.
And Joshua will never know that.
When his performance ended, Jeonghan was flushed with the yearn to rush to Joshua's side and give him one big hug - one that didn't need words for Joshua to know how proud Jeonghan was for him - but when the two met eyes, the flowers abruptly erupted inside of him that exact moment and sent him to the state of wanting to throw up again.
Jeonghan's mind was full of relief thanking that he was at least familiar enough with the place to be able to locate the restroom, and once he closed the hard ebony door, his hands immediately latched on to the white toilet bowl and held on for dear life as he threw up and let his energy and strength be sucked out of him once again.
Tiredly, Jeonghan fell to the cool grey tile and wiped away the saliva that was drooling on the corners of his lips but his eyes widened at the sight of the petals being coated with his blood for the very first time.
He never threw up petals with his blood painted on them before, but it didn't take Jeonghan a second for him to understand that his situation was worsening each day and that the flowers might be fully bloomed the next month. He couldn't even stop shaking.
"Jeonghan?" The said male snapped his head to the side so quickly it made him dizzy for a second, his eyes widening at the sight of a teary-eyed Joshua watching him helplessly. His eyes were stretched across the bloody petals Jeonghan threw up before he met his gaze again. "Jeonghan?"
Jeonghan wanted to punch himself for not locking the door. He glanced at the mocking floral wallpaper the restroom had with a remnant of a bitter taste lingering on his mouth before looking at his best friend again guiltily. "J-joshua."
"Jeonghan, why?!" Before Jeonghan could even reply to Joshua's words, unsure if he could even answer the same question to himself, Joshua lunged towards him and hugged him tightly. "Jeonghan, not you." Tears were falling from Joshua's eyes and trailed their way down to Jeonghan's shirt, but the latter was too busy crying for him to even notice it.
"Just please, not you, why?!" Joshua screamed, and Jeonghan shut his eyes tightly at the pain he was feeling - the ache on his heart, and the flowers blooming in his chest. "Who is it? Who did this to you?!"
Jeonghan didn't respond.
"Who did you fall in love with, Jeonghan? Let me talk to her! How could she do this to you?"
He still didn't respond.
"Please, tell me who."
You.
Always you.
"Jeonghan stay, please stay."
I wish I could.
For forever and eternity.
"Jeonghan," the said male met the eyes of his best friend that were boring deeply into his, eyes that were filled with so much pain and sorrow that Jeonghan just wanted the world - life itself - to be fair to him for once and allow him to stay. Allow Jeonghan to just love Joshua eternally. He didn't ask for anything else. "Are you alright?"
"No." That was Jeonghan's response. "I'm not alright."
VI
Jeonghan realized that he never knew what the flowers were and their precious meaning.
Jeonghan was no longer throwing up petals anymore; they were finally full bloomed flowers that were oh so beautiful, yet oh so miserably painted with his blood and the reason why it was so hard for him to breathe.
They were in full bloom that Jeonghan could finally know what kind of flowers that were growing inside his lungs.
Despite the clenching of his chest and the thorns of the flowers poking his lungs as well as the roots that were growing all over his chest, Jeonghan did his best to swallow down another batch of flowers that threatened to cut out his lifeline but his attempt resulted him to cough up blood to the floor, thorns pricking and scraping his throat as if it were a warning and a punishment.
Placing a hand to his chest, Jeonghan gathered all the strength and energy he had left before standing up from the floor, not wanting to give in and succumb to the disease but at the end of the day, Jeonghan was still human.
Jeonghan was dumb, in love, and weak.
Jeonghan failed to maintain his balance and fell to the floor once again.
Tears were stinging in Jeonghan's eyes and caused his vision to blur. In the midst of the pain, his mind kept screaming at him, asking him why won't he just have the surgery and remove the flowers that were scattering along inside his lungs to get rid of the disease and be able to live longer but his heart gave a clear answer back; Jeonghan didn't want to lose the feelings he had for his best friend.
He didn't want to stop loving Joshua, and he didn't want to forget him.
Jeonghan tried to blink back his tears away and stop himself from crying but in the end, all he could do was cry as he threw up the batch of flowers that he swallowed down the past moment, being far too weak to be able to hold them in and ignore the stinging pain.
When he fluttered his eyes back open, despite the blurriness, Jeonghan could recognize the flower as a primrose. It was a flower that Joshua had found and gave to him once when they were still kids.
And when he searched the meaning of the flower that night, when he recovered a little and slowly had his strength back, all Jeonghan could do was chuckle bitter-sweetly and cry at how life was truly unfair.
Primrose.
Eternal love.
Within that same moment, Jeonghan realized that he had always been in love with Joshua. Ever since they were kids, he disregarded the feeling and thought of it as admiration or the urge to protect the latter but he pondered about it now and understood that it was more than that.
That Jeonghan loved Joshua not in the way he wanted his best friend to find a husband, but loved him in the way he wanted to be Joshua's husband.
Jeonghan spent almost all of his life loving Joshua. And did he regret it?
No, he'll still choose to fall for Joshua for the second time even if his love would cost him his life.
Jeonghan would still love Joshua eternally, despite knowing that this love would consume him.
Jeonghan would still love Joshua eternally, in spite of knowing the ending already.
VII
A lot of people would question him why wouldn't he just get the surgery.
Jeonghan knew why, but he kept his silence.
Even to Joshua himself, Jeonghan didn't say anything.
"Jeonghan," the said male could hear the pain that was laced in Joshua's voice and how he wanted the former to look at him with the way he held his hand, but Jeonghan didn't spare his best friend a glance.
Jeonghan's eyes were fixated entirely to the light cream wall in front of them, knowing quite well that Joshua would just try and convince him again to have surgery for the hundredth time even though Jeonghan had already said no every single time. "Please, please, Jeonghan..."
The male tried to ignore Joshua, tried to pretend that his best friend wasn't there and that he should just try to focus on his breathing instead but it wasn't an easy thing to do - to ignore the person that his heart was calling for and the same person that his lungs was growing flowers for.
Jeonghan swallowed down a snort as well as the crippling flowers at that certain thought, convinced that there must be a garden or even a sanctuary now surrounding his respiratory system.
The flowers were fully grown, Jeonghan believed, as the roots attached and thorns were spikier and sharper than ever. The male could even prepare himself a bouquet with the amount of flowers that would always threaten to burst out of his throat every single day.
Every time Jeonghan would move, the thorns were like daggers, slicing his lungs open causing him to be trapped every day in his room with two silver buckets right beside his bed whenever he felt like throwing up or if he needed to pee and discharge all the waste he had inside his body.
Jeonghan was human. He was dumb, in love, weak and pathetic.
Seungcheol and Seungkwan would try to cheer him up but sometimes, their attempts would only end up with him crying his heart out for the thousandth time.
Wonwoo and Joshua would always bring him food and help him eat but Jeonghan truly had no appetite. He felt sad for them as well.
Was he selfish? Was he selfish for wanting to keep his feelings for Joshua? Was he selfish for loving him?
Jeonghan could end all the torture he was going through as well as end how his friends were suffering because of him if he would just undergo surgery and remove the flowers, but he didn't want to.
Jeonghan didn't want to lose his feelings for Joshua.
He also knew that Joshua only saw him as his best friend and the brother he never had so it was impossible for him to reciprocate his feelings, leaving Jeonghan with only the option to undergo surgery but that was something he didn't want to do. "Jeonghan, please, please, please, please..."
"What?" He croaked out, voice almost coming out as an inaudible whisper. It was low and hoarse, but Joshua heard him fine.
"Please, get surgery." Joshua pleaded. "Please, Jeonghan. Do it for me, if you don't want to do it, then do it for me. I'm sorry for being selfish but I don't want you to leave, please. I don't want you to leave me. The person you're in love with is not worthy of you so forget them and just live. Forget them Jeonghan and just get surgery, please."
Flowers came out of Jeonghan's mouth instead of words.
Jeonghan forgot most of his days, getting more forgetful than ever and the pain he was feeling was more than enough for him to forget his surroundings and the rest of the world.
Jeonghan must've agreed at some point because here he was now, staring at bleak white ceiling of the cold hospital room he was in, lying helplessly on the hard bed while waiting to be taken to the dreadful operating room.
Joshua was beside him, his hand wrapped around his as he reassured the older male that he was not going anywhere.
Joshua's soft and light touches seemed to calm Jeonghan down a bit at the thought of having his feelings being taken away, but then his heart stirred something inside of him and made him remember the fact that Joshua will never know his feelings if he won't confess to him for the last time.
And it was already the last time.
There were no more chances and opportunities to tell his feelings if Jeonghan would let this one final moment go.
Just like how he was letting his feelings go.
Even though he was a coward and wanted to just keep his feelings a secret, Joshua still needed to know. Jeonghan could at least give him that if he couldn't give away his love. "Joshua?"
"Yes, Jeonghan?"
"Y-you asked me why I d-didn't want to get t-the surgery b-before," Jeonghan waited for Joshua to hum in agreement before continuing his words, another batch of flowers making their way up to his throat but he swallowed them down and denied their entrance for the last time, his chest filled up with determination to let his best friend know how he truly felt for him.
Jeonghan prayed to life to let him have this moment if he couldn't get to keep his feelings and for once, it felt like life listened to his plea for silencing the flowers he had in his lungs on that very moment. "You w-want to know w-why?"
"Why?" Joshua looked at him, and Jeonghan couldn't stop a tear from falling out of his eye. "It's because i-it's you."
"I am i-in love with y-you," Jeonghan continued with more tears streaming down his face. "I-I never g-got to tell you my feelings, and i-it's you why I'm g-growing these flowers. If I won't t-tell you now, t-then y-you will never k-know."
"Jeonghan..." The said male refused to meet his gaze as he knew that Joshua never felt the same way. Jeonghan removed his hand from Joshua's grasp and fiddled with his instead, playing with them as his heart thumped fast against his chest and the flowers silent at his confession.
Jeonghan didn't expect an answer, clearly not anticipating one as he was bound to have his feelings removed in just a few more minutes but it was still painful.
"I d-don't want to l-lose, Shua. I don't w-want to lose m-my love and my f-feelings for you. I don't w-want to forget the feeling of what it's like to love you, a-and I don't want to forget loving you. I m-might lose everything, but please, c-can you hold everything for me? Can I b-be selfish for o-once? Can you h-hold my memories? Do it f-for me Joshua, because I'm doing this for y-you. Please r-remember the love I once h-had for you."
Joshua was staring at him with emotions that Jeonghan wished he could decipher. Silence enveloped them, and Jeonghan wasn't sure if it was laced with tension or comfort but before Joshua could even respond and break the atmosphere that was surrounding them, a few nurses suddenly appeared out of the blue and announced to them that everything was ready and prepared, and that they were requiring his presence now.
Jeonghan nodded at their words.
The nurses came to their direction and were about to move the male to the operating room until Jeonghan stopped them the last minute.
Meeting Joshua's eyes for the last time, looking at him with love and affection for the final time, Jeonghan uttered out with his heart up on his sleeves and flowers bursting in his lungs for the first and the last time. "Joshua Hong, I love you."
He heard Joshua scream his name, but Jeonghan didn't look back.
While he was slowly being carried to the operating room, Jeonghan heaved out a deep sigh before fluttering his eyes closed, an onslaught of memories and images of Joshua's face flashing in his mind.
Jeonghan remembered Joshua's giggles, his sparkling eyes, and his charming smile.
He remembered everything about the person he loved so much. The male didn't know that he was smiling at his own thoughts, thoughts that he wanted to keep forever and remember for the rest of his life but they all faded away at the sound of a door closing behind him, signaling him of a new journey that he was about to take on.
Jeonghan's feelings will be gone tomorrow.
His feelings for Joshua will disappear, along with the flowers. Jeonghan will forget the feeling of loving Joshua, of what it was like to love someone that much, and what it was like to love Joshua Hong.
But at least in the end, Joshua got to know the feelings Jeonghan had for him.
At least in the end, Jeonghan managed to have the courage to say it. The three words that his heart desperately tried to say and the three words that were always stuck on his lungs, the same lungs where the primrose grew and resided.
Jeonghan will forget.
The words will not matter to him anymore, as well as the feelings. Even though the person he wanted to say it to wasn't there, Jeonghan muttered out for the last time. "I l-love you, Joshua."
Jeonghan felt the lights flash before him.
And before he knew it, he completely succumbed to the darkness.
The three words disappeared.
Jeonghan's feelings did too.
A small petal fell, as well as a tear.
VIII
A groan slipped out of Jeonghan's mouth.
The said male slowly opened his eyes, only to be almost blinded by the light that seeped through the wooden window just right beside him. He shut them for a brief second, only to flutter them back when the male heard faint sounds coming from the doorway that gave way for curiosity to arrive.
He tried to sit up and give himself an answer, the curiosity boiling inside of him was something that was hard to ignore, like it was rather a temptation that could drive away his sanity if he continued to ignore it but all the thoughts left his mind when nothing but pain shot his body and caused multiple groans to slip out of his mouth.
The pain he was feeling was mild and bearable, but it was something that caught him off of his guard and unprepared. Jeonghan realized his body felt strange and also realized that he was in a hospital.
Beige walls were staring back at him, there was a big TV set hanging on the ceiling and he was surrounded with flowers and peculiar paintings. Did he get operated? Was he sick? He tried to think hard and dwell back on the past but he couldn't recall anything. His memories were hazy and blurry; it was as if he forgot everything that happened before he was lying on the hospital bed.
Jeonghan didn't know why but he felt somehow different. He felt weak. It was like something important was taken away from him. It was something he didn't want to be taken away of, as if it was something as precious as his own dear life.
Before he could gather all the thoughts he had inside his head and make them all make sense, a small noise slid him back to reality.
Jeonghan tilted his head to the side and released out a breath he didn't know he was holding at the sight of Joshua slowly awakening. Maybe not all of his memories faded away because he could still remember his best friend but why did Jeonghan feel that there was something truly missing? And that he was forgetting something important?
When Joshua blinked his eyes and seemed like he was fully awake, he cocked his head to the side and breathed out his name hesitantly, as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing. "Jeonghan?"
As Jeonghan stared at his best friend, he was filled with emotions that he couldn't describe. The male couldn't put his finger on it and understand the strange emotions he was feeling, his mind spinning at the thought he kept on digging and processing.
"Jeonghan," he called out with tears falling from his eyes and Jeonghan looked away the moment he felt Joshua's warm hand on top of his. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah," the words sounded wrong and bitter on Jeonghan's tongue. "I'm alright."
Unbeknownst to Jeonghan's knowledge that there was a letter tucked inside Joshua's pocket, a letter that held a lot of lingering feelings, and a letter that had heartfelt words along with now distant memories.
The words that Jeonghan himself had written for his best friend, but it seemed like his memories disappeared along with the flowers and the feelings that he once harbored for Joshua.
Dear Joshuji,
First of all, I want to say sorry for being such a coward and for not being able to tell you how much I love you. Or I guess, loved at this point.
I really don't want to write this because that means that I'm going to go through the surgery, and that also means I'm going to lose all of my feelings for you but this is what you wanted, right?
I could never say no to you, Joshua. I hope you're happy, and I hope that I also managed to tell you how much I loved you by the time you read this.
And if you're truly reading this now, then that means that guy who goes by the name of Wonwoo exposed me and gave this to you.
Yes, I probably would've kept you from seeing this letter just like how I kept away all of my feelings but if the surgery is unsuccessful, can you please punch him for me? For exposing me like this and giving away the letter without my permission.
I'm kidding Shua, I'm kidding.
But I wouldn't mind though if you would truly punch him - I mean that guy made me feel jealous all the time - but then again, you were not mine to begin with. I had no right to. I'm just your best friend, your best friend who loved you all of his life.
I'm not scared of the surgery Joshua, if you ask me. What I'm scared of actually?
I'm scared to lose all of the feelings that I have for you. Even though you're the reason why I grew all these beautiful flowers in my lungs, I don't regret anything. I don't regret falling in love with you. And I don't regret you.
I spent almost all of my life with you, whether it'd be my darkest days or brightest moments, you were always there. Falling for you is as easy as breathing, and I fall for you every single day along with the flowers that are scattering and growing inside my lungs. Ironic, isn't it?
Everyone kept pestering me to do it - to just surrender and undergo the surgery so that I could live longer - but I don't want to lose my feelings, Shua.
I don't want to lose what it's like to love you, I don't want to forget what it's like to love you and I don't want to forget the way I love you.
I don't want to lose them but you yourself convinced and persuaded me to have surgery, and I could never say no to you. That's how much I love you. I'm sorry. How much I loved you.
I don't know what will happen after the doors close, Joshua. The surgery could fail, or I'll successfully lose all my feelings along with the flowers and probably my memories but even if things will not go as planned and I might die, just remember that I once loved you, and that I never regretted you.
So don't blame yourself, alright? You have nothing to be guilty of. I fell for you, my heart chose you, so please don't be sad. It makes me sad too.
If I could keep my feelings, will you let me? Will you let me keep the feelings I have for you, Joshua? Will you just let me love you silently just like how I loved you all my life?
But even if I will no longer have feelings for you, that the love I have for you will disappear along with the flowers, my heart will always be yours. No matter what, it'll always be yours in a way. It has always been yours, and not even a surgical operation can take it away from you.
I might forget, my mind might forget, but my heart in its own little strange way will always be yours. Eternally.
I loved you, I love you, and my heart will always love you.
Eternally yours,
Yoon Jeonghan