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To say that life in the tower was awkward, would be an understatement. No one really knows how to act now that the 'Civil War' has come and gone, sides had been chosen, punches had been thrown, and surprisingly everyone had come back home.
Tony wasn't shocked when Rogers finally agreed to sign the damn accords. He had his head stuck so far up Bucky's ass during the whole mess that he never even read the thing. Once they had all returned from Siberia, Bucky and Steve sending glances Tony's way the whole ride back, the accords committee sat them all down and read the 231 pages to the team.
Tony would not call it a pleasant experience, but the flush on Rogers cheeks as he realized that he had been in the wrong about the whole accords, was somewhat of a religious experience for the man.
Not many people could claim that they were right over Captain America.
The best was when Bucky pipped up halfway through saying he read all he needed to and proceeded to sign the last sheet as Steve tried to get him to stop.
But that wasn't why the tower felt so cold. Why it was clearly Team Tony and Team Steve.
No one understood Tony's reaction to finding out his parents had been brutally murdered by the man who lived a few floors away from him.
Tony agrees, he maybe acted a little out of line. Hugging and thanking the man who killed your parents right after he just watched it all go down wasn't a normal response. He knows it is anything but normal.
He heard Natasha and Clint whispering about it in the kitchen a week after Siberia. Their faces still had the fading yellow-green bruises that reminding everyone what had occurred.
"Don't you think it's weird? We knew Stark was a little out of it and weird before all of this went down, but he straight up thanked the man! That isn't a little bit disconcerting to anyone else around here?" Clint whispered-shouted as he waved his arms around. Tony huffed a little at the manic movements of the bird-man, if Tony was worried about anyone, it would be him.
"You read my report on him, Clint, you knew a long time ago all of the weird quirks he has, maybe this is how he copes with it? Howard was a good man, he was a creator of SHIELD, and Maria, she did lots of humanitarian works. Maybe it's easier to act like he cares that to breakdown in front of all of us?" Tony's amusement washed away quickly as he heard Natasha speak. He walked away before his presence was known.
Within the next few days, everyone was acting like Tony was made of glass. They were waiting for him to finally break and have some epic meltdown and try to kill Bucky Barnes. Tony thought it was especially funny how Steve always seemed to place himself between Bucky and him.
Tony wasn't delusional. He knew he was on the smaller side, his five-foot-nine not helping any, and he was more lithe than bulk. Even with the intense training he began as a child – his father forcing him to protect himself after the third kidnapping attempt and Tony had a bruise on his face for the next week afterward, causing all of the people at some gala to stray away from the boy, and his parents – Tony knew he would never win in a fight against Bucky Barnes, super soldier, sniper extraordinaire, and six-foot-two muscular figure. He knew he could as Iron Man - but as has been said many times before to Tony – Iron Man yes, Tony Stark no.
It’s been three months since everyone decided that Tony was on the verge of a mental breakdown and had been treating him like fine china. It caused Tony much annoyance, but also some new feelings.
It started off as nothing. Really, nothing at all. Tony would look at Bucky and maybe feel some appreciation for what was done ten year prior, but he never felt anything romantic about him. Until suddenly he did.
It happened like this.
Steve had made it his personal mission to make Tony, one, forgive him – which Tony was not planning on doing anytime soon, he takes lying and betrayal pretty harshly – and two, determine if he was really on the verge of a mental breakdown or if he was really just sinister inside.
And wherever Steve went, the was a certain brainwashed amnesiac right behind him. Steve still made sure he was positioned between them at any chance he got, but that just means that Tony got to learn more about the - mostly - silent man. He also found out that he had something of a kink for listening to that soft spoken Brooklyn accent the man has. Before, he only heard a hint of the Russian accent behind his words, but as the BARF program did it's job, the more the accent emerged.
It was hot, Tony admitted it from the start, but he only recently starting thinking about how the man would sound as he told Tony he loved him from in between his legs – which Tony also desperately anticipated - versus him just whispering dirty things to him from between his legs. Mostly, Tony just desperately wanted Bucky between his legs. But he also desperately wanted declarations of love too.
Tony knew he was top notch, the perfect twink, power bottom, and sexual fiend that someone would want in their bed - he wasn't known as a playboy for nothing. He knew he was hot – he had a six pack and plump ass – but he still wasn't sure if the man was interested.
Tony didn't want to push. Bucky had only been in the 21st century for a few months and he wasn't completely caught up on all of the new social norms and all that was accepted in this day and age. Tony was sure, if the man was even gay, that it would have been hard to be out and proud during the 1940s. Steve had never said anything before when he saw reports about Tony being out on dates with other men, but he knows Rogers enough to know that he doesn't always say something when he doesn't agree with it.
So, yeah. Tony knew he was hot, he knew Bucky was hot, he wasn't sure if Bucky was into guys, he knew for sure he was into guys, and he knew he was desperately in love with the man that everyone thought he was going to kill. It was a great time.
Tony wouldn't have been surprised if Bucky was gay, or bi, but just didn’t want him. Tony knew he had a lot of issues. More than he can really even say. But, he did know that they came from, mostly, his childhood.
Tony despised being handed his things. Howard thought it was funny to hand him sharp objects or burning hot pieces of metal. The many scars littering the palm of his hands was proof enough. Now, Tony only allows people he really trusts to hand him things.
He guesses that is how he gets into the situation he finds himself in.
It was a normal morning. As soon as Tony walked into the common floor kitchen for some fresh coffee, everyone shut their mouth and the room was blanketed in a heavy, awkward silence. He knew immediately that they were talking about him but he could care less. Many people talked about him all the time, he was used to it.
He was going about to make some coffee, grabbing his cup, filling it with the delicious black liquid, and finally acknowledging the others in the room. His eyes immediately sought out the dark-haired super solider and he felt his insides warm a little when he saw that the man was already staring back and was shooting him a warm smile. Tony let his mouth uptick a little before he looked down and realized that Bucky was handing him a bagel on a plate. It was filled with sausage, eggs, and cheese and Tony felt his mouth fill with saliva at the scent of the food. He hadn't eaten in close to two days, his body was begging for something more than coffee.
"Thanks, Bucky-Bear." Tony coos as he sets his coffee down and grabs the plate from the man's hand. Tony hears Steve gasp – a little dramatically – on the other side of Bucky as Tony grabs the plate. Steve had been on the receiving end of a blank stare as Tony waited for him to get with the picture and set whatever he was handing him on the table or chair next to him many times, so he knows how important it is that Tony took something from Bucky with his own hands.
"Okay, that’s it. I have had enough of all of us beating around the bush and waiting for something dramatic to happen." Natasha snaps suddenly. Tony was surprised honestly, he never thought she would be the one to finally say something. "But, seriously Tony, are you on the verge of a mental breakdown? You have been weird lately and you have been saying some concerning things. We are done just waiting around for you to finally break down in the middle of training." Tony snorts out a laugh as he takes a big bite out of his bagel. The others watch him as he just continues to eat the whole bagel and then gulps down his whole cup of coffee before returning his gaze to Natasha's not-so happy gaze.
"No, I am not on the verge of a mental break down. Wait, maybe after having all of you walk around me like I am made of glass these past few months has drawn me a little closer to that line, but in general, no." No one seems comforted by what he says so Tony sighs as he fills his coffee cup again before reluctantly allowing himself to be drawn into the conversation.
"We are just worried about you, man. You apparently said some weird things when you found out about your parents. We just want to know what to expect so we can prepare ourselves." Clint defends, always on the defensive, Tony thinks, always feeling like he is under attack.
"Okay, I will admit that I shouldn't have said what I said. I know it must have been uncomfortable for you, Bucky, since you weren't giving the choice of what you did and that's not right. However, I don't take back the meaning of what I said." The hopeful faces around the room immediately crashed as Tony continued talking.
"Tony, these are your parents we are talking about. Your mother and fath...."
"Don't, don't call them that. Howard and Maria." Tony states firmly as he interrupts Steve from going any further.
"Tony, it sounds like you are trying to distance yourself from what happened. That is not a healthy coping mechanism." Sam pipped up, Tony didn't appreciate his psychological viewpoint at that moment and he is sure that showed on his face.
"I'm not coping with anything. Honestly. Howard and Maria are dead. It's not hardship for me. They are dead and no longer in my life, that causes for a celebration from my point of view."
"That is a vicious thing to say, some people wished they had those people they lost." Wanda spat. Tony could see red begin to form around her fingers.
"Yeah, of course. There are people in my life who I wished were still around, Howard and Maria are not those people. Honestly, you guys have no idea what you are talking about, so maybe you should but out of my business." Tony could feel the tightness in his chest begin to build. It always happened when people started praising and talking highly about the two people who screwed him up the most.
"I don't know where this hostility is coming from Tony, Howard was a good man, a great man, even. I can't believe that you are talking about him like this." Steve has his classic disappointed face on and Tony really felt himself snap somewhere deep inside of him. All of those emotions he has had since a child came rushing forward and he was ripping of his band tee before he knew what he was doing.
Tony turned around and looked over his shoulder before finding the large scar on his back that spanned from his left hip bone to the middle of his spin.
"This one? I think I got this one when I was maybe seven. I was already in sixth grade and I had gotten a perfect score on my stupid math test. I went to go showed Howard and instead of congratulating me or praising me he threw a sharp piece of metal at me. It sliced all the way across my back. Jarvis spent two hours putting 100 stiches in me. I always thought it was ironic, 100 stiches for a 100% on my exam. I asked Jarvis afterwards where the test had gone, I found it on the ground outside Howard's lab. It was covered in my blood. He had thrown me and that stupid test outside the door and had left me there." Tony twisted around again, looking down at his chest and the large burn that spans about the size of his hand on his right side.
"This was from Maria, actually, one of the few she gave me, she was more a bark than bite kind of gal. I was getting dressed for a gala we had to go to, she had taught me how to tie a tie the day before but I couldn't get it right so I asked for help. She called me a worthless human being that couldn't follow simple instruction and then she grabbed the pan of the stove she had been using and lifted up my shirt and then shoved it against my bare skin. I think I was four at the time. It took close to a year before I could touch the skin without it hurting."
Tony went to look for another scar and tell the story behind it, but hands, one metal and one human, grab his arms as hold him steady. Tony looks up and realizes that he had been crying, sobs heaving out of his mouth as he tried to catch his breath.
Tony let's his sobs start to come out full force as he leans his full body against Bucky. He can barely feel the hand smoothing down his back as he shakes in anger and grief over the shitty childhood that was handed to him. He never got the chance to have a loving mother or father as he grew up. He was stuck with two people who wanted anything but to be parents, but somehow still found themselves with him.
Normally this show of emotion is not done in front of anyone but Tony's mirror. He hasn't even ever cried in front of Rhodey, and the man had been there for Tony for half of his life. Tony is honestly happy that he can't see what the others look like around him, he doesn't want to see the pity on their faces. He didn't want that, he just wanted them to understand. He just wanted someone to finally understand what those two monsters did to him.
Black starts to fill his vision and the last thing tony is aware of are two arm picking him up.
Tony isn't really aware of what happens next, but when he wakes up, he is laying under the covers in his king size bed.
He lays flat on his bed for a few more seconds, allowing the feeling of calm wash over him for just a little but longer, before he swings his legs around and places them on the cold floor.
He realizes that he is only in his boxer briefs, the ones that honestly leave nothing to the imagination, and feels himself flush a little on mortification. If it wasn't bad enough already that he did in fact have a break down, someone had to change him when he was sleeping. It's not the first time it has happened, college was pretty crazy, but it's been a long time since someone has.
Rubbing his hands down his face Tony thinks about what occurred earlier in the day - the clock showing that it was just past two in the afternoon, about four hours after Tony first entered the communal kitchen – and feels resignation fill his body. It's bad enough that everyone knows how shitty his childhood was but to have a complete mental breakdown – which he had said he was not going to – in front of everyone, including the man he had fallen in love with.
If that isn't complete self-destruction than Tony doesn't know what is. A knock sounds on his door before he can fall even farther into the pit of his own self-pity.
"FRIDAY, who is at the door?" Tony inquires as he falls back onto his bed. The scar of his side pulls a little bit, which it only does when he thinks about it too much, as FRIDAY responds.
"It appears to be Sergeant Barnes, Sir." Tony hums to himself for a second before hefting himself off of his bed and throwing on an oversized sweatshirt he stole from Rhodey years ago at college.
"Let him in." Tony huffs as he sits back down on the edge of the bed. He situates himself so the extra fabric at the end of the sweatshirt covers his crotch, he is never sure how he is going to respond when he is in the presence of the good-looking man. Its better to be safe than sorry.
"Hey." Bucky pokes his head in the room for a second, seeing Tony waiting for him on the bed, before entering silently and closing the door behind him. He pads across the room – barefoot, which Tony finds more hot than he should – before gingerly sitting down next to him on the end of the bed. "Are you feeling better?" Bucky finally asks once he had been sitting down for a solid minute in silence.
"Sure, except for my perfectly constructed life crumbling all around me." Tony smiles ruefully as he makes fun of himself to deflect from what he is really feeling. Bucky frowns at this.
"Don't, don't do that, Tony." Tony makes a confused noise, even though he is aware of what he is doing. "Don' just brush off your feelings like they don't mean anythin'. I don' like when you do that."
"I've done it my whole life, Bucky-Bear, it's going to take more than one disappointed face to make me stop doing what I've been doing for twenty-seven years." Bucky smirks as he looks Tony over once. "What?" Tony asks when he sees the smirk.
"Sometimes I forget you're younger than me. Which is stupid since I'm technically close to a hundred years old but you are so smart, smarter than I'm ever gonna be. I think all of us forget sometimes that you're still so young, and all that you've been through, baby, no one should have to go through all that by their lonesome. Especially not someone as sweet as you." Tony holds his breath as he looks up and locks eyes with Bucky's bright grey-blue eyes.
The space between the two seems to diminish as their lips barely brush against each other. Tony loses his patience and surges forward, his hands going into Bucky's hair and he presses his lips firmly to his. Tony vaguely thinks about how it's completely unfair that Bucky's lips are as plush and soft as they are, and how his hair feels like silk beneath his fingers, before Bucky is pulling away.
Tony curls into himself, thinking that he read the situation wrong - which he is pretty sure he didn't - as he waits for the letdown that he is surely about to get.
"No, baby, don' do that. Don' pull away from me. I'm not rejecting you, but I'm not gonna take advantage of you."
"It's not taking advantage of when I want it too." Tony pouts. Most of his relationships have been purely physical, so he isn't sure where he is meant to go from here on out.
"Baby, you just had a big moment. Your head is probably a mess right now and I am not gonna make it any harder on you. I wan' to have a relationship with you, real bad, but I wan' you to be okay before we start moving forward. I wan' you, no matter what, but we both have our own issues to work through, separately and alone, and I feel like we need to talk about that instead of just ignoring it." Tony listens to what Bucky is saying, he really does, but it still seems hard to compute.
No one is Tony's life has ever cared enough to want him to get better. Sure, the team cared, but to a point. None of them have ever asked if Tony was okay past the injuries he got and no one on the team was ever really big on therapy. Bucky was actually the only one who went to therapy regularly.
"What are you thinkin', Baby. I need to know what's goin' on in your pretty little head." Tony smiles a little at the term of endearment, no one has ever called him baby before.
"I, no one in my life has ever asked me if I was okay, and not immediately just walk away after I deflect. Pepper, and Rhodey, and Happy care, they really do, but with the shit I put them through during the years, they have learned to try and not pry into my feelings all too much. No one has ever cared like you do." Bucky looks sad at the news, but also happy. It was a weird mix of emotions of the normally stoic face.
"But, I guess after this morning, I probably do need help. I've needed help for a long time and there just hasn't ever been someone who cared enough to really make me want to go. But, even with my hatred of all things squishy science, I would go, for you. And for me. I want to be better for me." Bucky face changes to something that looks like pride and It makes Tony want to kiss him again.
"I know you said we need to go slow, or whatever, but I really want to kiss you again." Tony voices, and the dark look of need the slides into Bucky's eyes was enough to convince Tony to connect their lips once again.
Bucky's lips seem ever softer the second time around without the hurrying need to connect their lips. Tony feels as if there are fireworks going on around them, even though the logically knows that there isn't.
Tony feels right at home, here with Bucky.
Being with Bucky changes everything for Tony.
Tony would be willing to go slow with Bucky, especially if kissing like this is still on the table.
So, maybe the others may know more about him that he ever wanted to share with them, but Tony knew the moment he met Bucky that his life changed for the better and the road that he took to get there isn’t one the he would ever change.