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A hesitant knock wakes him in the wee hours of the morning. Annoyed, he folds himself in his robe and opens the door to find one of the new girls hovering hesitantly outside his room, looking terrified.
“What is it, Martha?”
“Please Mr Seppings, I heard a noise downstairs... I think it might be burglars, sir. Or a ghost,” she says, adding the last part quietly.
Seppings fights the urge to sigh. Martha has been known to jump at the cat meowing. Still, he has a duty to ensure nothing untoward is going on.
“Where did you hear this?”
“I was in the kitchen, sir, cleaning the meat knife- cook told me to and I plain forgot and didn’t remember until I was getting ready for bed, sir. I knew there’d be such trouble tomorrow if I didn’t have it done by morning, so I snuck downstairs when everyone was asleep. I’d almost finished when I heard voices whispering and a low cry. Gave me such a turn! Well I didn’t know what it was so I ran straight up here to tell you, Mr Seppings.”
“Yes, very well, Martha. I will go and check. Wait for me here, girl.”
Martha looks relieved.
The whole of the lower floor is empty and silent, save for an abandoned candle flickering in the kitchen, and for a moment Seppings resigns it all to the kitchen maid’s imagination. Picking up the clean meat knife with a smile, he replaces it in the knife stand. It’s as he’s turning to leave that the faintest noise makes him pause. After a moment it comes again, a faint moan from the pantry. For a moment, his blood is like ice, imaging ghouls and night terrors, but he takes a breath and tells himself not to be silly. Reclaiming the knife from the stand and the candle from the table, Seppings edges forward and throws open the pantry door to confront what can only be burglars.
It takes him a moment to take in the tableau before him- two figures in the dark breaking apart with a gasp, hands flying from each other’s bodies. The situation immediately changes from ‘robbery by villains’ to an illicit late night tryst, Seppings feels his indignation rise.
“What is this?” He demands furiously, though the answer’s obvious.
He raises the candle, the pale light extending into the pantry and illuminating the two- male- figures by the shelves. For the first time in his life, Seppings is struck dumb. Mr Wooster and his valet, Mr Jeeves, stand horrified, both white as sheets.
In the protracted silence that follows, Seppings’ mind races. He’s shocked, appalled, disgusted. Young master Bertie a sodomite? His mind shies away from the idea. There were rumours, yes but what in God’s name will people say? The scandal will ruin the family name for sure. It will mean prison time for at least one of them... His train of thought is disrupted by Mr Wooster moving forward slightly, hands raised imploringly.
“Seppings, I know this must be a bit of a shock, but I’m begging you please, if you are going to report anyone then let it be me. Jeeves is utterly free of blame, I coerced him.”
“Sir,” Jeeves protests, drawing himself up, “I cannot let you...”
“Yes you can.”
“No, sir, I will not allow you to...”
“Be quiet, Mr Jeeves.” Seppings snaps, in that moment feeling every one of his 60 years.
Jeeves quietens, still looking more unsettled than Seppings has ever seen him. They both look so young, standing there waiting for him to pronounce judgement on them. Seppings wants nothing less than to forget this ever happened. In that moment he decides.
“I am going to shut this door and go back upstairs and by tomorrow morning, this will never have happened. I will not speak of it and I trust that both of you will be more discrete in the future.”
Jeeves nods tightly, relaxing infinitesimally next to a beaming Mr Wooster.
“Thank you, Seppings."
“No, sir, do not thank me. I want no part in this.”
He closes the door on their surprised faces and goes to bed, feeling inexplicably sad. He dismisses the confused Martha waiting for him outside his room. The next morning, Jeeves and his master are gone. The family are confused and surprised by their sudden departure. Seppings is relieved that Martha doesn’t have the brains to work out the connection to their late night escapade.
Fin