Work Text:
"Hey, whatcha doin'?"
Daniel settles back into his sofa and tucks the cell under his ear. "Watching TV. Eating chips. Drinking beer."
Jack pauses. "Seriously? I mean that's so... 'guy' of you, Daniel."
"Did you want something or are you just going to insult me some more?" Daniel asks around a mouthful of crunchy potato snacks.
"Both. What're you watching?"
"Wormhole X-treme."
"Ugh. Why, Daniel? Why would you do that?"
"It's funny."
There's a short pause, then, "Can I come and watch with you?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because you hate sci-fi, Jack. And as soon as I look away you'll switch over to the game."
"The Avalanche are playing."
"Don't care. I'm watching this - and you have a TV. Go and watch the game on yours."
"It's no fun by myself, Daniel," Jack whines. "Besides..."
Daniel doesn't even bother to look up when he hears his front door open, just flips his cell shut.
"...I'm here now."
"That key was given to you for emergencies," Daniel calls over his shoulder.
"This is an emergency. I need a beer," Jack calls back.
Two minutes later, Jack is seated next to Daniel, beer in hand, socked feet on the table and he's stealing the chip packet from Daniel's lap.
"Which one is it?"
"The one with the alien princess who Dr. Levant has to agree to marry or the rest of the team get..."
"... eaten by giant space worms. Ugh." Jack buries his disgust in a fistful of salty snacks and a swig of his beer. "Why's he whining anyway? He's a geek - it's not like he couldn't do with the..."
Daniel glares at Jack, just daring him to go on.
Jack winces as his mind catches up with his mouth. "...never mind."
They watch in silence for a few minutes as Princess Zita does her best to persuade Dr. Levant that he can be happy on her planet. Levant is serious and gentle, staring off into the unknown as he tells Zita that his place is out among the stars with his teammates.
Jack rolls his eyes and Daniel frowns.
"What was Marty thinking?" Jack mutters. "Levant would never go for someone like her. She's immature and selfish. He's got like two PhD's...?"
"Three."
"Right. And she's just totally shallow. And a bimbo. And green."
Daniel looks over to Jack with a small smile on his face as his friend scowls at the TV.
Jack notices and shrugs. "And her tits aren't real."
"You're right, she's much more Colonel Danning's type. He always gets the girl. In fact he's so alpha it's a wonder he doesn't drown in his own testosterone. How can any female of any species resist so much macho in one place?"
"Well, you'd think so, Daniel, but I'll tell you this - the chicks dig Levant."
Daniel gives him a long, sceptical look, and steals back his chips.
"Seriously, Daniel. That Levant guy, he has websites coming out of his ass! He gets more fan mail than any of the others."
"And you know this how?"
Jack shrugs again and refuses to meet Daniel's eye. "Marty said something about it," he mumbles.
"I'm pretty sure that's pity. Danning is the one with all the best lines and the action scenes. Girls go for the wisecracking guy with the gun. He gets almost all the love interests. And that 'Will he? Won't he?' thing with Major Monroe?"
"He won't," Jack says shortly.
"But he wants to," Daniel says, suddenly finding the ingredients list on the chip packet very absorbing. When Jack doesn't say anything, Daniel looks up to find his friend staring at him very hard indeed.
"No," Jack says slowly. "He respects her. He loves her in a way. But she's not for him."
"Too smart?"
"Smart wouldn't scare Danning."
"Too many regs?"
"Not if he really loved her." Jack looks uncomfortable.
"What then?"
Jack doesn't answer, just turns his head away. The show goes to a commercial with Danning behind bars watching Princess Zita and Dr.Levant walk off together, deep in conversation.
Daniel gets up and goes into the kitchen. He clicks on the overhead light and the weird oppressive mood is dispelled in its brilliance. He snags two more beers from the refrigerator and brings reinforcements for the chips in the shape of a pack of Oreos and a bag of jellybeans.
Jack has to make do with the Oreos when Daniel threatens to remove one of his favourite body parts if he so much as touches the jellybean packet. They settle back on the couch, Daniel back in his favourite corner and Jack beside him, not giving Daniel enough room to sprawl.
Wormhole X-treme picks up with Colonel Danning and Grell formulating a plan for escape.
"Poor Grell never gets any," Jack observes.
"He's a robot, Jack."
"So? Data had a girlfriend. And don't tell me C3-PO and R2-D2 didn't have a thing going on."
"I thought you didn't like sci-fi."
"I don't. Teal'c likes me to watch with him and go over the bits he doesn't catch."
"That would explain a lot of the misconceptions he has about Earth cultures."
"Hey!"
"Does he like Wormhole X-treme?"
"Yeah. His favourite is Dr. Levant too. And Carter's."
"Really? That's... interesting. Who's yours?"
"Hadn't really thought about it," Jack hedges. "Who's yours?"
"I guess if I had to choose I'd say Colonel Danning," Daniel admits.
"Reaaaally?" Jack drawls, looking slightly smug. "Why? Because he's strong and a good leader?"
"Because he usually does the right thing in the end, no matter how much of an ass he's been."
Jack looks slightly crestfallen. "I think my favourite is Dr. Levant too, you know. He's an okay guy for a geek. He stands up for what he believes in."
Daniel looks at Jack's profile for a minute, then back to the TV screen. Without a word he passes Jack a handful of jellybeans.
The climax of the show is building. Danning, Monroe and Grell have escaped from their extremely poorly guarded cell and are heading toward the throne room where Dr Levant is dressed up in something that looks like aluminium foil and a dead weasel. His princess is descending the stairs to join him so they can be married by the mollusc-like official.
Danning is running down corridors, shooting everything that moves. He's dodging laser blasts from all angles yet every one of his shots finds its mark. Finally he corners a quivering green guard.
"Where's Ben?" he yells at the terrified looking alien.
"And of course, Danning's nice looking and wears the tightest pants," Daniel says quietly and pops all the red jellybeans in his mouth at once.
Jack nods thoughtfully and holds out his hand. Reluctantly Daniel gives him three jellybeans. Jack doesn't move. Daniel gives him three more.
On the screen Ben Levant and Princess Zita are standing hand in scaly hand in front of the slug-guy. The princess is smiling with pearly white teeth against her dark olive skin. Levant is biting his lip and staring moodily out of the window to where the Stargate can be seen on the horizon.
Slug guy raises his hands and booms, "Then I declare that..."
The door explodes in a cloud of polystyrene splinters and dry ice. Through the smoke strides the heroic figure of Colonel Danning.
Levant turns. "Drew!" he shouts, horror stricken. "Look out." Then punches Reverend Slug in what passes for a nose.
A scaly guard, as big as Grell throws a bad punch at Danning. The colonel ducks and takes him down with a single blow to the stomach.
The camera zooms in on Danning. "Sorry, princess. Dr. Levant has other obligations," he says with narrowed eyes.
"Oh please!" Jack scoffs. "Can they be any more obvious?"
"How do you mean?" Daniel asks, fishing all the orange candies from the bag.
"Oh, come on, Daniel. It's right in front of your eyes. There's no way Danning is gonna go for Monroe."
"Why not?" Daniel challenges, cheerfully chasing down the last orange jellybean and putting the handful into his mouth.
"'Cos he's madly in love with Ben Levant," Jack says, like it's a matter of fact.
Daniel inhales eight orange jellybeans and spits eleven at Jack.
Jack smacks Daniel soundly on the back until he stops choking.
On screen Ben and Drew have fought their way to each other's side and they stand with Stacy and Grell on either side of them. All around their feet lay the crumpled shapes of green, scaly guards.
"Thanks, Drew," Dr Levant smiles, ripping off his Bacofoil and roadkill poncho to reveal his pristine uniform underneath. He holds out a hand.
"Any time, Ben. It's what I do," Danning says valiantly and shakes Ben's hand.
"Yeah, I'll bet Drew is gonna be showing him what else he does as soon as they're alone in the locker rooms."
Daniel starts to choke again and Jack apologises, leans over him and offers him beer.
"Jack!" Daniel wheezes, red faced.
"What? It's right there on the screen, for crying out loud. You'd have to be blind not to see that they are into each other. Chemistry, Daniel. Sparkage. Those two are so doing it."
"They are great friends, best friends - they saved each other's lives in the pilot, but there's nothing to suggest..."
"Subtext, Daniel. Are either of them in a relationship?"
"Their jobs make it hard for them to..."
Jack cuts Daniel off with a rude noise and a scornful face. "When they split up, it's always Danning and Levant as a team."
"Well, Levant is a civilian, so I guess Danning thinks he should..."
"And no one else gets to call Danning 'Drew', other than Ben Levant."
"Well, I'm the only one who calls you Jack, it doesn't mean..." Daniel trails off and goes very, very still.
Jack looks at Daniel in the dim light of the TV screen as the credits on Wormhole X-treme roll much too fast for anyone to actually read them. He seems to be looking for something in Daniel's suddenly pale face. After a moment he sits back into the sofa and takes a pull on his beer.
"That's against regs, Jack - they can't possibly be involved," Daniel says quietly.
"Hey, you can't help who you fall in love with," Jack says refusing to look at Daniel. He picks at an invisible spot on his jeans and determinedly watches commercials while Daniel stares at him.
"So..." Daniel begins uncertainly, "What do you think they get up to on a night off? Ben and Drew?"
"I don't know, Daniel. They're just a couple of regular guys who happen to save the Earth on a weekly basis and who love each other. Maybe they watch sports and drink beer."
Daniel picks up the remote and clicks the TV onto the Avalanche game. Jack goes and fetches two more beers.
"Sounds reasonable," Daniel nods, picking up the thread of the conversation seamlessly. "You think they umm...?"
Jack sits down next to Daniel and puts an arm around him.
"Yeah, Daniel, I think they probably do."
Daniel relaxes into Jack's side, wriggling until he's comfortable.
"And when the sports are finished?" Daniel asks after watching a few minutes of hockey.
"I think that Ben Levant is probably the guy who calls the shots on that sort of thing," Jack says, doing a little snuggling of his own but keeping his eyes firmly on the game.
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, he's the catch in that relationship. I think Danning will basically do anything for him." Jack shoots Daniel a look from the corner of his eye.
"Anything, eh?"
"Any...thing," Jack says significantly.
"Hmmmm."
Two goals are scored in four minutes. There's a power play and a fistfight, and neither man reacts in any way.
"I think you're underestimating what Danning brings to the relationship, Jack."
"Yeah?"
"He stands to lose the most. And he does look exceptionally good in those tight BDU's."
"Ya think?"
"Oh yeah. So do you think that Danning drives home after three beers?"
"I think... he could catch a cab?"
"Don't you think he'd rather... stay?" Daniel tips his head up and stops pretending this is about anything but here and now.
Jack leans over and kisses him once, softly and sweetly - jellybeans and beer and reality. He stands up and offers Daniel a hand. Daniel switches off the TV, lets himself be pulled to his feet and returns the kiss.
Jack can kiss and Daniel wonders how he lived this long not knowing how it should be done. Jack's tongue is warm and gentle and everywhere, and Daniel thinks he could get lost in one of those kisses and never want to find his way out again. Only the desire to discover what else Jack is good at makes Daniel pull away.
"Come on, Colonel. Let's go to bed."
"Certainly, Doctor. It's what I do."
Daniel is still groaning when the bedroom door swings shut.
Fin