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The nights had grown to be the worst. The city was quieter at night and there was nothing much to distract me, and the pain sitting heavily on my heart. At least during the day, I could pretend to write articles about vapid fashion trends, eat my weight in sushi, or listen to the office gossip with a smile and faked interest.
But at night. The silence hurt. I had to fight to tune out the sound of her heart and focus on trying to live without Lena. It’d been months since the fortress of solitude, and I had to take a step back from trying to save our friendship. Lena didn’t want me near her. She’d made it clear when she had the windows around her apartment lined with thin threads of lead. I could no longer look in on her from a distance and reassure she was okay. She’d shut down and distanced herself from everything and everyone. The DEO never saw her, our friends only saw her in passing or received polite emails from her assistant, informing them Ms. Luthor was tied up in meetings and couldn’t step away.
She’d ignored all my messages, my calls. The deliveries of flowers were accepted, but probably immediately thrown in the trash the second the delivery person walked out the door. In time, I was barred from the L-Corp offices and I realized I had to step back, regroup and figure out how I was going to break through to Lena.
My heart ached for her and begged for one more moment with her. If I’d only been aware of my feelings for her and could get past the stupid superhero complex I carried. Thinking keeping her in the dark was keeping her safe. But being a person who never experienced true romantic love, the kind that brought you to your knees, I was ignorant to what I was feeling. I was in love with Lena. Beyond all understanding and in a way that surpassed how I felt about Mon-El. Lena was the other half of my soul, and when she walked away from me, she tore it out and took it with her. That’s when I realized how deep my feelings went for her.
“Kara, there’s a bunker on the Khatari Providence that’s setting off a ton of DEO radars.” Alex appeared next to me as I stared at the monitors lining the walls. The DEO had become my bunker in the storm. At least here, I could hide and pass it off as trying to do some good work. Most of the time I just stared at the monitors, or stared at Brainy prattling on about statistics and what new thing he wanted to do to my supersuit. I’d take anything over sitting in my loft, staring at the pictures of Lena and I, or smell her perfume saturated in her favorite blanket of mine. The same blanket she burrowed in on our nights together, before she fell asleep on my shoulder, burrowing deeper into my side for warmth.
I nodded. “Is it alien?”
“Could be. We can head out there in the next hour.” Alex glanced at me, squinting in that sisterly way. “Are you ever going to snap out of it? It’s been months.”
I sighed, standing up. “I’ll fly out there now, do a little high altitude recon.” I took a step when Alex grabbed my arm. “Sometimes you have to let go, Kara. You can’t win them all. Lena…”
“Don’t say her name. Especially if you’re going to follow it up with how evil she is, or how diabolical she is. I don’t want to hear it, Alex.” I glanced at the hand on my arm. Silently asking Alex to let me go. “I’ll radio when I’m over the providence.” I flew away before Alex could utter another word.
XXX
Three hours later
I crawled out of the rubble. The cave that house a secret lab collapsed when the madman scientist set off an EMP type device to bring me to my knees. It did nothing but give me a solid ringing in my ears. I tossed the scientist to the dirt, snapping titanium handcuffs on him as the local DEO agents swarmed us. I let out a slow breath, swiping clumps of dirt from my hair. I needed a hot shower, a pile of pizzas and a few rom coms to close out this day. I tapped the ear piece in my ear. “Alex, I’m all set here. I’m taking off as soon as I blast out the last of the rubble for your team to get in there and collect Dr. Jennings equipment.” I turned to see Alex taking hurried strides towards me, her face a whiter shade of pale. I smiled. “I’m sorry I didn’t save a few of the bad guys for you. I know how much you love a good fight.”
“Kara.” Alex’s voice had a slight tremble.
I frowned. “What is it?”
She grabbed my hand, squeezing it in the same way she always did when she had something bad to tell me. “It’s. It’s Lena.” Her jaw twitched. “She was shot outside of her office ten minutes ago. We think it was a random attack, nothing politically driven. I got the call on the way over here. I couldn’t reach on your comm, the cave blocked every signal.” She squeezed harder. “I’m sorry, Kara.” Her eyes welled up with tears.
I tuned out the world, searching for her heart. I closed my eyes, fighting to hear anything. “Which hospital is she in?” I took a step back, panicking I couldn’t find Lena in all the noise around me. I met my sister’s eyes. “Which hospital, Alex!”
“Lena didn’t survive. The bullet clipped her aorta, she bled out in the ambulance before they could get her to National City General.” Alex took a step back as I ripped my arm from her grasp.
“I have to go.” I flew off, pushing my speed to its limits, thinking this was a cruel joke or I was trapped in another one of my nightmares. The ones where no matter how hard I tried, I lost Lena in varying levels.
I landed at the emergency room, rushing through the doors. “Lena Luthor. Where is she?”
A group of nurses and doctors gaped at me. I pointed at a doctor who looked familiar to me. “You, Dr. Profit. Take me to Ms. Luthor’s room. Now.” I clenched my jaw, fighting the rage and fear bubbling up in my gut.
“Uh. Please follow me to a private room, Supergirl.” He smiled tightly, tapping the clipboard in his hands. “We were about to contact her next of kin.” He held out his hand, directing me to follow him.
“Whatever medical attention Ms. Luthor needs, please let me know. I can bring in some specialists.”
Dr. Profit led us into an on call room, closing the door behind him as he let out a slow breath. “I’m sorry, Supergirl. Ms. Luthor passed away almost an hour ago.” He looked away from my hard gaze, turning to the pages in his hand. “The gunshot bisected her aorta. She bled out and even though EMS arrived in a matter of seconds, there was no way to stop the bleeding.” He frowned, flipping a page. “We attempted to contact Kara Danvers, but we’ve not heard back from her. You’re listed as a second point of contact in case of emergency.”
I shook my head, closing my eyes. Still refusing to believe his words. “I want to see her.”
“Of course. Please follow me.” Dr. Profit left the room in a hurry, petrified by my tone and my mere presence. “The medical examiner will be in shortly to sign off on the death certificate.” He walked down the hall into the trauma bays, stopping at a curtain. He grabbed the edge, swallowing hard as he pulled it back.
“Lena. No.” I felt all the air sucked out of the room as I walked closer to the gurney. Lena laid motionless, as if she was asleep, covered to her chin in a clean white blanket. The floor was covered in medical supplies, bloody gloves and spots of blood waiting to be wiped away. I moved slowly, my heart caught in a vice, squeezing harder and harder the closer I got. I reached up, running my fingers across her cheek, just like I had done a million times to gently wake her up. I flinched when my skin brushed cold lifeless skin. Lena was always warm, no matter how pale she looked, her skin was always warm. Warm like a favorite blanket, or a perfect cup of coffee. She didn’t stir, smile before opening her eyes to give me a sheepish look. Lena was gone. I’d lost her before I ever got the chance to fight for her, tell her I loved her.
I slid both of my hands across her cold cheeks, pressing my forehead against hers as the pain consumed me. Her heartbeat was gone. The sweetest sound I’d ever found on this planet, and it was gone. I gasped out a hard sob, the tears running down my cheeks as I sobbed harder. “Lena. Oh god, Lena.”
“Her death was instant, painless.” Dr. Profit rasped the words out. Doing his best to comfort me.
I felt the rage spill over, and I spun around on him, still cradling Lena’s face. “Who did this?” My eyes burned with my rage. “Who did this to her?”
He stepped back, his eyes wide with fear as I saw the red reflecting in them. “I…um the police are investigating. I can call the detective.” He dropped the clipboard as he ran out the room.
I gathered her lifeless body in my arms, carrying her out of the trauma bay. I held her close, hoping I could push my warmth into her, wake her up. Even if she woke up pissed off at me, I’d take it. This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t real.
I walked past stunned hospital staff, walked right out the emergency room and took flight. My eyes red and burning with tears.
I landed at the DEO, carrying Lena to the medical bay. I carefully laid her on a gurney just as Alex ran in behind me.
“Kara, what are you doing?” Her voice was broken.
“She doesn’t belong there. She needs to be here, safe with people who love her.” I swallowed hard. “Who did this?” I smoothed out the blanket around her shoulders, my hand falling to the top of her forehead. The cold burned into my fingers, burning into my heart.
“Brainy has the CCTV footage, he’s running it through every program. He’s doing his best to find a face we can go off of.” Alex’s hand fell to my shoulder. “Kara. I’m so sorry.”
I spun on her, flinching away from her touch. “Don’t, Alex! Don’t. I screwed up, we screwed up. Why did we have to lie to her? Why wouldn’t you let me follow my gut and tell her when I wanted to? Why did we have to hide everything from her? She pushed me way because of our stupidity, and I wasn’t there for her. I wasn’t there to save her! I couldn’t protect her!” I screamed in my sister’s face, my eyes burning hot with anger and sorrow. “I lost her! I lost her before I could tell her I loved her!” I squeezed my eyes shut before I burnt a hole in the floor. “I loved her so much, and I hid that from her.”
“Kara.” Alex laid a shaky hand on my elbow, desperate to calm me down. “We’ll find who did this, and prosecute them to the fullest.” She stepped closer, reaching to pull me in a hug.
I shook my head, taking another step back. “It won’t bring her back.” I looked over at Lena, peaceful and beautiful as ever. “I love her, Alex. I love her so much.” My hand fell to my chest, clutching at the immense pain radiating in my heart. I looked at my sister with bleary eyes. “She was my everything. Why didn’t I fight harder?” I hiccuped as more sobs filtered up my throat.
Alex wrapped me in arms. “Why didn’t you tell me? About your feelings?” She let out a heavy sigh. “I should’ve seen it. The way you two looked at each other.”
I sobbed into her shoulder, clutching to her back as I cried harder than I ever had.
Brainy suddenly burst into the room, rushing to Lena’s side, pressing against her temple. “We need to hurry. In another hour, the events of today will be solidified in the time continuum and Kara will not have the power to reverse it.”
Alex huffed. “Now is not the time for science experiments, Brainy.”
He cocked his head in confusion as he held out a tablet. “This isn’t an experiment.” He tapped the screen, a video of my cousin appeared. “You have the ability to turn back time. Your cousin did it once to save the love of his life, and since you’re a far superior entity than him. All you have to do is alter the gravitational sequence of the planet and create your own FTL drive with your body. Your super speed should be enough to stretch the fabric of time like it was taffy, and you can find that moment right before Ms. Luthor is attacked.”
“I just need to put the earth in reverse, stretch time like salt water taffy and perfectly time intercepting a sliver of time?”
“Exactly.” He tapped the tablet again. “I’ve isolated the moment of impact, if you can be within thirty seconds of the shot being fired, you will be able to stop the bullet that kills her.” He stepped closer. “I must advise you, you only have one chance to alter this moment in time. When it’s done, if you succeed or fail, you cannot return to that moment ever again.” He glanced at Lena. “And there is a high probability you will solar flare out and become incredibly vulnerable.”
I watched the clip of Lena being shot, refusing to look at anything other than the time stamp. “It’s worth it. She’s worth it. Even if it costs me everything, she has to live.” I handed the tablet back to Brainy, moving to the lab table across from Lena. I ripped off a piece of paper from a lab report, scribbling quickly. When I was done, I folded it up neatly and handed it to a crying Alex. “If I don’t make it, please give this to her and tell her I loved her more than anything else in this world, including potstickers.” I smiled as Alex blew out a sad laugh. “And give her the necklace shoved under the sweaters in my loft.”
“Kara, are you sure?” She wrapped her fingers around mine, squeezing. “I won’t beg you to rethink this. Because if it was Kelly laying there, and I could turn back time…” She sniffled, grabbing me into a sudden hug. “I love you, sister. Please come back.”
“I love you, sister.” I rasped the words out before stepping out of her arms. “Brainy, give me the specifics of what I need to do.”
“You need to fly on the edge of the Earth’s atmosphere at 188 million miles per second. That will give you the proper propulsion to elongate time and stop the Earth’s rotation. By my calculations you can achieve this in less than a minute, allowing you to turn the clock back an hour and forty five minutes where you will arrive within the thirty second window necessary. I’ve uploaded a speedometer into your comm. It will signal when you’ve reached the correct speed and the correct time frame.” He held up the tablet showing the calculations. He searched my face, his brow furrowing in worry. “Please return home and bring Ms. Luthor back. I enjoy her mind.” He smiled tightly, looking down at the floor as a wave of emotion struck the normally emotionless alien.
I nodded, fighting back my own tears as I walked towards Lena. I leaned over, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I love you.”
I left the room, rushing to the balcony before Alex’s soft cries changed my mind.
XXX
Hovering at the edge of the atmosphere, I took a deep breath looking at the picture of Lena and I, one more time before tucking it away. I closed my eyes as I flew in dizzying circles around the planet. Pushing harder and harder as I felt the force of speed tug at my cape and skin. I heard the soft beep, letting me know I’d reached 188 million miles per second. Another beep followed a handful of seconds later, and I hit the brakes. I turned to look and saw the Earth rotating backwards for a blink before it stopped, then as if I released the parking brake, it began moving forward.
I found National City and nose dived it through the atmosphere, breaking the sound barrier and feeling the effects of pushing my powers to the edge. But I couldn’t stop now, I wouldn’t stop now.
I landed in front of Lena’s building in time to see the shooter raise his gun at her chest, spewing hateful words. I saw the look of pure panic on her face, fear as her heart raced. I ran towards her, expending what little I energy had left when I heard my name fall past her lips in a soft whisper.
“Kara.”
The sound of my name collided with the sound of the gun going off. I caught her big green eyes boring into mine right as the bullet burned into my shoulder. I turned away from her gaze long enough to grab her attacker and take him to the ground with me. We landed with a collective grunt, my shoulder on fire as the bullet dug further into my skin and the slow trickle of blood ran down my arm. I rolled onto my back as Lena’s security guards swarmed us, dragging her attacker away.
I let out a slow breath, rolling my head to look at Lena. She was alive, screaming for help, rushing towards me. I was tired, my body hurt, it burned. I knew I’d solar flared out and had taken that bullet fully like a human would.
But she was alive.
Her hands warm as the slid across my face. Warm as they pressed against my shoulder, desperate to slow the bleeding. I reached up, the sound around me washing out into a silent echo, and grabbed her hand in mine. I smiled, coughing and tasting blood. “I love you, Lena.”
She shook her head, tears streaming down her face. “Kara, don’t talk. Help is on the way.” She swallowed hard. “Help is on the way.”
I let out a slow breath, my eyes closing as darkness crept around the edges. I passed out to the sound of her heart racing and her telling me everything would be okay.
XXXX
Five days later
“I want to go home. I’m going home.” I picked at the tank top, poking the healing bullet hole.
Alex gave me a look, her pissed off look. “You need at least twelve more hours of observation. You burned out your powers in an epic way.”
I yawned, standing up from the lab stool I sat on while Alex took samples. “I feel fine. I’m tired, but fine.” I glanced out into the DEO labs. Brainy had the data from my little excursion up on the monitors. The moment I stretched the fiber of time was on a loop. I’d apparently done the impossible and put my cousin to shame. I’d also almost killed myself. “I just want to sleep in my own bed and watch cartoons.”
Never mind the fact I’d not heard from Lena since I woke up a few days ago. Nothing. Not a call, an email, or an impersonal text. I’d saved her life, but she still hated me. I could live with that. Lena could hate me forever, as long as it meant she was still alive. At least I got to say what I had to, I could walk away. I got the hint. I may have reversed time, tore the time continuum and altered the past and the future, but she still hated me for lying to her. “Should I even ask…”
“Kara. Focus on getting better.” Alex looked at me with sad eyes. “Sometimes love. Well, love sucks.” She shrugged. “It sucks hard, but at least you literally did everything you could, Kara. And if she doesn’t at least send you a cookie bouquet for saving her life and bringing her back from the dead, well, I may have to go over to her office and break a few of those fancy glass things she keeps on her desk.” She cocked an eyebrow. “Before you say it, she was debriefed yesterday morning by J’onn and Brainy.”
I shrugged as a heavy weight of sadness sank into my gut. “I’m going home. If you want to stop by later, I wouldn’t be upset. We can watch that dumb yachting show you love, and I’ll make cookies.” I leaned over, kissing the top of her head. “Thank you, Alex.”
She looked up at me. “For what?”
“For letting me do the stupidest thing in the world all because I’m hopelessly in love with Lena and couldn’t survive in a world without her in it.” I half smiled, reaching for my glasses.
“Oh, Kara. It was stupid, but I can’t blame you. I just hope one day she understands how deeply you care about her.”
“I’ll see you later.” I paused before walking out of the lab. “And just so you know, I’d smash planets for you.” I grinned as Alex rolled her eyes.
XxX
Buried under a pile of blankets, my head barely visible, I stared blankly at the TV. I’d put on an old movie that I’d seen a million times and didn’t have to think about. I just needed something to zone out to and forget the dull pain in my heart and couldn’t shake. In a few days, when I was better, I’d figure out if I wanted to keep fighting for Lena or accept the silence as permanent. I loved her with my entire heart, but could let her go. As long as I could hear her in passing, it was enough. I’d just have to accept living at a distance.
I yawned, reaching for my phone to text Alex and find out what time she was coming over, and if she’d bring me food. When a small, firm, knock landed on my door. Three precise knocks. I sat up, squinting and groaning when I realized I was still a day away from my x-ray vision returning. I huffed, kicking blankets off my lap and stood up. Whoever it was, knocked again.
“Hold your horses, sheesh.” I scooped up my glasses, slipping on my face as I opened the door. “I didn’t order anything, so please take it back from wherever you came from.”
“I’m actually here to return something that belongs to you.”
My head whipped up at the sound of Lena’s voice, my eyes locking on her green ones. She stood straight as a pin. “Lena?”
She swallowed hard. “You don’t know how to give up, do you, Kara?” Her voice wavered ever so slightly.
I frowned, my heart sinking. “No. It’s not in my nature.” I looked at the floor, stepping away from the door. “Whatever it is you need to return, set it on the chair.” I kept my tone firm, even as my heart was begging me to wrap her up in my arms. “I won’t bother you anymore.”
Lena blew out a harsh laugh. “And yet you’re giving up right now.”
I threw my hands up in the air, turning to face her. “What do you want me to do? I’ve apologized a thousand times. Owned up to my stupid mistakes, and done the impossible. I can’t keep fighting, at least not right now. I’m tired, Lena.” I shook my head as I realized I was half yelling at her. “I’m sorry. I’m really tired.”
“As one who turned stopped the Earths rotation and ripped apart the time continuum would be.” Lena took a step into my loft, her heels clicking loudly on the wooden floor. “Do you know how stupid that was of you? You could’ve killed yourself.”
I held up a hand. “Don’t. Don’t belittle my choices.” I bit the inside of my cheek to hold back the tears. “The pain of not talking to you every day, not having lunch, and notspending the night with you smashed against my side, I can deal with. But I cannot, and would not deal with never having you at all in this world.” I swallowed hard, closing my eyes as I saw Lena, cold on that hospital gurney. “You were so cold.” I opened my eyes, locking on hers. “I love you, Lena. I told you once I would do anything in my power to protect you, care for you.”
“And you did just that.” Lena’s voice trembled as she blinked back tears. “It didn’t make sense when you started bleeding. That’s when the fear set in. You don’t bleed unless kyptonite is involved, and I ran my assailant’s bullet over and over. Not a trace of krypton, just copper jacketed lead. Something your skin would kick away like a dirty penny, and yet.” Lena paused, tipping her head down. “Then J’onn came to see me. Told me I’d died." She paused, swallowing hard. "You were honoring my wishes to stay away and flew off to save another part of the world. He told me you almost destroyed the hospital, demanding answers and then was just shy of burning down the world with your eyes, and when the idea was presented to you, of turning back the wheels of time, you didn’t hesitate. You took the risk. You sacrificed yourself for me.”
“Lena…”
She held up a hand. “Please, let me finish before I lose my courage.” She wiped her cheeks, stepping closer to me as she set down the red box I’d shoved into my sweater drawer weeks ago, a crumpled piece of paper on top. “I’ve been in love with you since the first second I laid eyes on you. Awkwardly standing in my office with your cousin, interviewing me. I was drawn to you immediately and didn’t understand it. Kara Danvers wasn’t somethinv, someone who existed in my world. And yet, there you were. Caring for me, defending me, saving me.” She paused. “Loving me.” Lena moved closer, pushing the box and note closer. “I was an ass, an ignorant fool. I was hurt because I’m so in love with you and never had the life lessons on how to deal with a consuming love like this. I let fear rule me. I shut down and cut you off, hoping the cold winds of my old life would float in and make me forget. It almost cost me everything, it cost me my life.” She winced as a tear slipped down her cheek.
Lena reached for my hand, hers shaking as she slowly took mine. “I was so scared it was too late when I held you, bleeding in my arms, and whispering you loved me.” She sniffled, running her thumb across my knuckles. “I retreated again when your prognosis was unknown. Fear once again ruling me, and distance became necessary to prepare for what could happen. Then Alex stormed into my office right after J’onn walked out, giving me your note and that box. Shouting that I was the second biggest idiot next to you, and to get off my ass and pull my shit together.”
I shrugged, too consumed with the way her hand was so warm, alive, to say anything.
“You turned back time.” She shook her head with a small laugh. “And to think I once was satisfied with flowers and scones.” She stepped closer, her hands sliding across my cheeks. “I love you, Kara Danvers.”
I couldn’t help the stupid grin that broke across my face. I leaned closer, pressing our foreheads together. “If it makes you feel better, you’re the only person I’ve turned back time for. I love you so much, Lena.” I wrapped my hands around her wrists as I met her eyes, catching the edge of the pendant she wore around her neck. I reached down, lifting the necklace out of her button down. “You’re wearing it.” I ran my finger over the intricate knots, signifying eternal love.
She nodded. “And will forever.” She swallowed hard, licking her lips. “Kara, can you forg…”
I pressed my finger against her lips. “There’s nothing to forgive. We were both scared, stupid.” I leaned closer, brushing my lips against hers. “But let’s make the most out of this second chance.” I closed the gap, kissing Lena. She whimpered, kissing me back harder and pulling me flush against her body. Her hands clutched at my shoulders, fingertips digging into my skin.
Kissing Lena was like kissing lightning. Perfect and searing all at once. I leaned back, licking my lips, looking down at the flushed woman. “You left your sweatshirt and leggings here.” I motioned to the pile of blankets on the couch.
Lena grinned. “Then I guess it’s a good thing I ordered us food right before you opened the door.” She kissed me softly once more. “I’ve missed you.”
“I missed you.” I stepped back, moving to grab her comfy clothes. I paused, looking over my shoulder at her. “Wait, you knew I was going to forgive you, didn’t you?”
Lena shrugged. “When a woman alters time to prove just how much she loves you, chances were high I’d be able to earn your forgiveness. Now, I just have to show you how much I love you every day, in every way imaginable.” She grinned. “I love you.”
I chuckled, holding out my hand for her to take. “Well, food is one of the many ways to my heart. The other is extensive cuddles on the couch.” I squeezed her hand, pulling her closer as I led her to my bedroom to grab her clothes. “The rest, we’ll just have to figure out together.”
That night, Lena fell asleep in my lap. Her arms wrapped around my waist as held on tight. I sat, running my hands through her hair, soaking up her warmth and letting it chase away the memories of the cold. She was alive, she was mine, and she loved me.
And when anyone asked if I’d do it all over again, I didn’t hesitate in answering yes.
Yes, I’d do it all over again just to reach this moment.