Work Text:
One of Those Days
By Kelli Dalton
Summary: Pre-movie. An accident puts Minion out of commission and Megamind on the end of a leash. (Get your minds out of the gutter and look at the rating.)
Pairings: None. (Squint all you want, I intended this to be able to fit into the canon.)
Warnings: Dog!Megz, Dog!???, un-beta’d (Dear god, someone help me strip this monster down to something manageable!)
Rating: PG
The plot bunny for this sprang at me as soon as I finished 'Bedroom Banter'. My mind does not like to be idle and since I was trying to hold off on the prison fic and the egg fic this came out of nowhere.
It was mid-November in Metro City and a fairly standard fall day. Roxanne was tied to a chair somewhere in Megamind's hideout, surrounded by his evil inventions. The blue genius himself and his fish were putting the final touches on a giant robot that she, no doubt, would somehow be strapped to. At least she could take comfort in the fact that this would likely be his last plan until New Years. He and Minion would allow themselves to be captured and would complacently stay in prison until a couple days before January first, when they would escape in order to enact his usual extra noisy plan on New Years day, with the intent of reeking havoc on the eardrums of anyone foolish enough to get hung over in 'his' town.
She wished they'd hurry up; her butt was going numb from sitting on the metal chair too long. Off to her left, the reporter could hear a distinct scrabbling noise followed by knawing sounds. Apparently Megamind heard in too, because he leaned around the robot's arm to peer at the machine near his captive.
"Again? Minion, make a note," the blue man said, returning to whatever detail he was fixing.
"Yes, Sir," replied Minion.
He left the control panel to tack a post-it onto a corkboard. Oddly enough, it said 'Step 29: Get Cat'.
"Rats? And here I thought you were above such things," Roxanne teased.
"I'm quite certain ever your quaint little apartment gets pests, Ms. Ritchie."
"Yeah, there's this big blue one that manages to creep in frequently. Maybe a newspaper would help."
"You can not squish Evil with something as flimsy as ne-use-pa-pur."
Whatever she was getting ready to say was forgotten as the rat squeaked shrilly and smoke plumed out of the machine's control panel, the nasty little thing had obviously found a live wire. Half of the controls flicked on and the machine began to hum.
"It's not supposed to be doing that, is it?" she asked in concern.
"No, but that particular device should be fairly harmless."
It was at that moment that the small satellite on top fired off a shot and turned the tarp covering most of the robot into ash. The three of them blinked in shock, if the genius said that something wasn't dangerous, it wasn't. Period. The machine began to charge again and its satellite moved around at random.
"Minion!" cried Megamind as he scrambled onto the robot's shoulder, the ladder disintegrating beneath him.
"On it, Sir!"
The fish quickly put himself between Roxanne and the laser-thing, shielding her as he approached. The next shot hit another machine in a shower of sparks and they both flinched.
"Don't worry, Ms. Ritchie, we'll get this sorted out. Until then, hide behind the communications console," Minion said as he reached around her to start untying her wrists.
She could see Megamind shimmying down the far side of the robot. He made it as far as the hand before he had to stop, confronted with the choice of jumping to the leg or dropping to the ground. From what she could tell, it was a large enough distance to the metal floor to seriously sprain an ankle or worse. The machine's hum turned into a high-pitched whine and the blue man made his decision, leaping away from the robot just as the out of control device exploded.
When Roxanne opened her eyes Minion's gorilla suit was inches from her face, he had to have quit messing with her bindings in order to shield her better.
"Thanks Mi-"
He was upside-down in his dome, either unconscious or dead. She looked around frantically for Megamind and saw him sprawled out on the floor, his cape draped over his upper body.
"Megamind?" she called cautiously.
He groaned and moved slightly. At least he wasn't dead.
"Something's wrong with Minion!"
He shifted again and started to get up. It was then that she realized that he wasn't filling out his skin-tight suit. She wouldn't have been surprised at all if he managed to shrink himself.
"Are YOU okay?"
Megamind muttered several non-words before sharply inhaling and flailing to get out of his too big clothes. What emerged from under his cape was not a miniature or younger version of him... It was a dog. A skinny, blue-furred dog with an over-sized head. Her jaw dropped as Megamind looked himself over quickly, then rushed up, making a mewling noise that was probably his attempt at Minion's name. He stared up at his friend, hoping for a response. The fish didn't move.
Frantically, Megamind let out a series of barks and slurred noise. He looked around and added a cautious 'bowg'.
"I don't think your brainbots speak dog," said Roxanne, realizing that he was trying to call the brainbots for help. "Untie me and I'll help Minion."
Without hesitation, he began knawing on her ropes, making short work of the ones on her wrists and ankles. He then shoved at her hip with him paws, telling her to get out of the chair. She carefully slithered out from under the circle of Minion's arms, so that Megamind could hop up on the seat. He quickly pressed a series of buttons on the suit's chest, causing a hatch on the dome to pop open. He jumped down, allowing her to climb up and retrieve the still motionless fish.
As soon as she had Minion in her hands, Megamind started yapping and making insistent noises at her until she lowered Minion to his level. He held an ear to the fish's side and listened. His tail wagged and Roxanne let out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding.
"Should I put him back?" she asked.
"Noo," managed the blue dog before continuing with a string of garbled sounds.
Well, at least there was one word he could 'say', even if it was more of a howl.
"Give it up, I don't speak dog either."
Megamind grumbled at her, then turned to lead her elsewhere in the Evil Lair.
Roxanne followed him into what had to have been he and Minion's bedroom. Along one wall was a large fish tank and against the opposite wall was a narrow bed. Unsurprisingly, the bed and frame were done in his usual blue/black motif. A bark drew her attention back to Megamind, who was pointing at the open lid on the aquarium with a paw. She carefully set Minion in the water and shut the lid. Monitors flicked to life, displaying the status of both the tank and its inhabitant.
The dog stared up at the information and Roxanne took a moment to actually study him now that he was holding still. He almost looked like across between a Chihuahua and an Italian Greyhound with the pointed ears, domed head, and lanky body. His fur was very short and thin, so much so the she could see the blue and lavender of his skin underneath. There was a small black spot above each eye and a stripe down his chin, emulating the only hair he had normally.
Megamind noticed her looking him over and flushed purple.
"What? You’re a dog, it's odd, and I can't help but stare."
He puffed out his chest and arched his eyebrows, trying to seem aloof.
"Riiight. So what are you going to do now? You can’t fix your machine without Minion and I can’t stay here forever, I’ve still got a news report to do this afternoon,” she pointed out.
The dog ignored her and walked over to a spiked armoire. Pawing the doors open, he began rifling through the contents of the bottom drawers. Roxanne stepped closer and gaped at the multitude of capes and bodysuits hanging in the wardrobe. She recognized some of them, while other he had yet to caper about in. Megamind huffed and slammed a drawer closed, then glanced up at the accessories hanging on pegs along the doors. It was obvious that he wouldn’t be able to reach most of the gloves and other things on the pegs.
“What are you looking for?” inquired the reporter.
Surely he didn’t want to wear one of his silly shoulder guards; it would never work on his narrow canine frame. He made a triumphant noise and stretched up to reach for… a belt? No, whatever he wanted was too high, even with him standing on his hind legs. A row beyond his paws was a dog collar, complete with spikes and his logo. He would think that to be a good accessory to his outfits.
“This?” She pointed to the collar. He nodded and sat down. “Do I even want to know why you have a dog collar?”
Megamind cocked his head in confusion as she fastened it around his neck, he was far too naïve to understand. The leather only had one hole and yet it fit perfectly.
“Either you’ve turned yourself into a dog before or I never realized how skinny your neck is.”
He retorted with several non-words, then sighed at his ineffective argument.
Roxanne patted him on the head, just to annoy him and drifted over to the monitors. One screen stated plainly that Minion had been shocked and would likely be unconscious for a day or two, since the electricity had traveled down his implant. He was otherwise unharmed.
“I’m glad he’s okay. He probably wouldn’t have been shocked if he hadn’t protected me.”
Megamind made a gagging sound of agreement.
“Well, what are you going to do? It’s not like you can even cook for yourself right now.”
He muttered to himself and turned his back to her.
“Alright then, I’m out of here.” He jumped up, trying block the doorway and was simply stepped over. “You’re a knee-high dog, Megamind. You can’t stop me.”
He darted past her and picked up a blindfold in his mouth.
“Forget it. I’m not walking around the city blind. You’ll just have to change lairs again.”
Unless he was willing to bite her there wasn’t much he could do and they both knew he’d rather move a dozen times than hurt someone… Well, someone other than Metro Man.
The blue dog made a shooing motion with a paw as if he had made the decision for her to leave on his own. He started back towards the bedroom and Roxanne just knew he was going to spend his time sulking and, probably, raiding the fridge for anything he could manage to tear open. While he was quite annoying sometimes she couldn’t bring herself to leave him like that and an evil idea formed in her mind.
Snagging a length of rope from the pile of kidnapping supplies, she tackled Megamind and tied one end of it to his collar before he had the chance to squirm free. She hopped up, holding the end of the rope tightly.
“I’ve decided to kidnap you this time. Come quietly or I’ll use the spray,” she told a very surprised and irritated dog.
Roxanne began walking and he dug in his heels, not that it was stopping him from being dragged across the floor. Amid the garbled sounds obviously directed at her were a couple mewling noises.
“Come on, Megamind, Minion is going to be fine and you know it. But YOU won’t be on your own like this. You’re coming home with me.”
He tripped over a riveted floor panel and ended up on his face. As he climbed to his feet he stared up at her in shock.
“What? You thought I was going to take you back to prison?”
He made that gagging ‘yes’ sound again.
“The pound might take you, but not the prison,” joked Roxanne.
The dog rocked his head side to side, and opened and closed his mouth several times, clearly mocking her. She giggled at his childish display.
* * *
They were walking through downtown Metro City, heading for KMCG news headquarters and, not even half-way there, Roxanne had decided that the city was full of idiots. She had heard a dozen variations of ‘Wow, your dog is very pretty' and 'You should keep her away from paint next time’ and not a single ‘Your dog looks like Megamind.’ Come on! He was wearing a spiked collar with his own logo on it, if his color and large head weren’t enough of a giveaway!
Megamind, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy the praise when he wasn’t being confused for a female. That is, until some dog fanatic walked up and started insulting Roxanne.
“Why would someone like you buy a designer MUTT? And dye his fur? You should be setting an example for your viewers! And why are you walking him on a rope? He’s going to chew through it and run away? Then what? They’ll be even more mutts running around because you haven’t even bothered to have him fixed!” ranted the woman. “People like you are the reason-“
The reporter watched in horror as Megamind took it upon himself to shut the woman up and hiked his leg on her. Unsurprisingly the woman left in a huff and he snickered at her retreating form.
“That was… Wow. I can’t see you doing that normally,” she stammered. “That lady is right, though, I probably should get you a real leash.”
He frowned at her and marched on, pulling her after.
* * *
To Megamind’s annoyance, she actually did drag him into a pet shop on the way. Even worse he spotted a familiar person standing in front of the cat food section. He tried leading Roxanne towards the dog clothes, hoping to distract her with the chance to put something frilly on him. It didn’t work.
“Warden Trueman! What a nice coincidence,” greeted Roxanne.
“Ms. Ritchie, I’m surprised to see you here. I heard you were ‘visiting’ Megamind this morning, but not that his plan had failed yet,” the Warden said.
He felt himself being yanked around the corner, into plain sight. The Warden blinked down at him.
“I picked up a stray.”
“Megamind?”
He struck the most dashing pose he could manage, with his chest puffed out and a devilish smile.
“Yep, that’s him,” agreed Warden Trueman.
“Minion’s out of it, so I figured I’d take care of him for now. Unless you want him?”
The Warden chuckled at the joking offer, at least, Megamind hoped it was a joke.
“No, the prison has a strict ‘no pets’ policy.”
He tried to retort that he was no one’s pet, but as usual his canine mouth couldn’t make the right sounds and he was laughed at for his trouble.
“Then I guess he’ll have to stay with me until Minion wakes up.”
“His ray guns typically have a reverse switch.”
“Oh, I know. But amazingly this screw up wasn’t his fault. A rat chewed up one of his machines and made it do things it wasn’t supposed to,” she explained. “I think.”
“That’s a first.”
Megamind huffed at him. It wasn’t always his fault when things went wrong, sometimes it was Minion’s.
A random customer strode over to them.
“What a cute dog!” gushed the man. “Is he a whippet mix?”
Here we go again.
“I have no idea. I’m just watching him for a friend,” she answered automatically.
“Is your friend a groomer? This is a really good dye job.”
“No, but my friend did it himself.”
Sure enough, the man picked him up causing the Warden to start laughing. Could this day get any more embarrassing? Scratch that, knowing his luck Metro Man would come waltzing in too.
“Such a gorgeous little dog!”
“Um, he doesn’t like being held,” stated Roxanne.
Megamind sighed, ears laid back, as he was hugged before being set down. Today would’ve been so much better if he had stayed in bed.
The man finally walked off, thanking Roxanne for HER time.
“That makes ten so far?” asked his captor.
“Mur,” he managed.
Well, it was almost a word. He sat behind the reporter, trying to avoid any more unwanted attention.
“Around twelve then? Maybe.”
“Back to what you were saying. If his machine did this and wasn’t supposed to he could spontaneously turn back," pointed out Warden Trueman.
There was a terrifying thought- Naked. In the middle of the city. On a leash. Oh, god.
“That would be embarrassing and amusing. Maybe I should carry my digital camera just in case.”
He threatened to kidnap her in her jammies if she dared. Not that she understood him.
“Anyway, I had better get going. See you soon, Spot.” The warden patted him on the head and headed towards the registers, cat food in hand. Megamind contemplated what sort of evil surprise to give Warden Trueman for Christmas. Something to indicate that the dog humor wasn’t appreciated, he decided.
“Now, let’s get you a real leash.”
* * *
She could tell Megamind hadn’t been happy about her getting one he couldn’t chew through, but, at least, the chain and black leather handle went with his collar. Oddly, though, he hadn’t verbalized his dislike of it.
When they arrived at the news station she looped the leash around a bike rack.
“Stay here. I just need to run in and get tonight’s report,” she said before hurrying inside.
It took longer than she thought. Apparently, they were assigning her a new full time cameraman. The last one had quit after being dehydrated only once. Halfway through her boss’s speech about the qualifications of this ‘Hal Stewart’ she heard the loud jangling of a chain being drug across the tile. She winced and turn towards the source of the racket. The blue dog saw her and trotted over, a security guard showing up about five seconds later, winded.
After making her excuses about ‘Spot’, she, Megamind, and the new camera guy drove out to do a live report on renovations to the oldest school in the city.
* * *
Upon arriving, Roxanne slammed the chain leash in the van door, hoping that the handle was too high for the dog.
As she spoke to the camera she could see Megamind still sitting by the van calmly. About the point that she started talking about the historical significance of the building she saw him reach up and wrap a paw around the chain’s clip. He grinned at her as his other paw came up and pressed the latch open. She did her best to ignore him and continue with her report as he walked into the background of her shot and began to FROLICKING through the autumn leaves. When he got bored with that he started howling. Thankfully, she was wrapping up, so it didn’t matter much.
“Is your dog singing ‘Bark at the Moon’?” asked Hal as he shut off the camera.
Roxanne listened for a second and realized he was right, Megamind was howling the song.
“Come on, you evil little mutt,” she called.
Hal dropped them off at her apartment and offered to take her out for coffee sometime.
* * *
Roxanne let the blue dog take over her TV while she took a shower and then started working on a piece for the upcoming holiday. Megamind was still on the couch, channel surfing as she started cooking dinner. She wondered if it was his way of sulking when he had nothing better to do.
She had been planning on steak to celebrate her last kidnapping for a while, but obviously that wasn’t a suitable option. She mentally shrugged and started slicing the meat thinly. Beef stir-fry would work for three people.
Roxanne had just added the vegetables when someone tapped on the balcony window and then let himself in.
“Hey, Roxie,” greeted Metro Man.
In the living room, the channels stopped changing for a long second before resuming. Obviously, the villain wasn’t that worried about her other dinner guest.
“Hi, Wayne. Dinner will be done in a bit.”
“So, what happened? Did a robotic squirrel try to eat his cape again?”
She told him everything that happened up until Megamind waved her off. The TV was noticeably silent in the other room throughout her tale.
“He’s a dog? I don’t remember him ever making a machine to turn people into animals,” Metro Man said.
“It’s kind of cute actually.”
The TV suddenly was unmuted, drawing the pair’s attention to the eight o’clock news. It was the segment she had done earlier and the anchors were making comments about the colorful dog that had photo bombed her report. Still, there wasn’t a single remark about the blue dog resembling the city’s super villain.
Wayne floated over to the couch looking confused and she followed, wanting to see his reaction. His jaw literally dropped open at the sight of Megamind lounging across the cushions with a remote under a paw; she couldn’t help but laugh at the man.
The dog issued a string of sarcastic sounding non-words at Metro Man.
“Now hold on a second. I wasn’t going to say that, though I could imply that this is another example of you chasing your own tail,” replied the hero.
Megamind snapped back with some remark.
“And when you break your teeth trying, then you really will be all bark and no bite.”
“Stop, stop, stop!” Roxanne demanded. “You can understand him?”
“Yeah, can’t you?”
“No! Even his brainbots couldn’t!”
The blue dog muttered something.
“He’s probably right… About the super hearing.”
She threw her hands in the air and returned to the kitchen. Admittedly, she had gotten over the whole situation rather quickly, but they were acting like this sort of thing happened all the time and was just a minor inconvenience.
A short time later, the three of them were seated around her tiny table. Since there were only two chairs, she and Megamind got them, though his had a stack of books on the seat, and Metro Man sat in the air as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Even odder than the seating arrangements was the boys’ attitudes- They behaved perfectly throughout the meal, no teasing, no dirty looks, nothing. Not even when Megamind asked to have sugar sprinkled over top of his stir-fry. Who knew that all it took was food to make them act civilly to one another? As soon as they were done and the leftovers put away, though, the gloves came off and they were back to bantering. She sighed and let them have at it, choosing to do dishes instead of fighting the tide.
“You’re the one staying on her couch. You should help her,” argued Wayne, presumably referring to the dishes.
She glanced over at them in time to see the dog standing on the back of the couch waving his paws in Metro Man’s face or, more accurately, at his chest. Her giggle drew both their attentions and distracted the Megamind enough that he lost his balance, bounced off Wayne’s stomach, and landed on the floor.
“Give it a rest you guys. Save it for your next battle,” she said, drying her hands.
Metro Man looked suitably abashed and the dog just stuck his tongue out at her.
“I was thinking we should probably check on Minion before we turn in.”
In an instant, the villain was on his feet, wagging his tail and babbling happily. Roxanne contemplated if worrying about his friend was what had made Megamind less talkative during that whole day and not the fact that no one could understand him.
* * *
Since the Evil Lair was going to be moved anyway and Metro Man was hesitant to let her go back there without someone to protect her, he carried both of them to the Lair’s secret entrance. Then again, she couldn’t really imagine him cramming himself into a taxi when he could just fly wherever.
As they walked in, Megamind barked orders at Wayne, no doubt, telling him not to touch anything. Just to irritate the blue dog he floated above the floor and began examining a large, half-constructed, spider-like machine.
To his credit, Megamind ignored his rival and headed to his room, Roxanne trailing after.
Sadly, Minion wasn’t awake yet, but the monitors showed his vitals to be fine. She just hoped he was as okay as the computers were implying. Megamind placed his paws against the glass, mewling to his friend. Her heart went out to him. Minion couldn’t have been hurt or sick very often. He had always been careful to keep the fish out of the line of fire, except for during their pre-holiday capers.
Roxanne had just decided to hug him, when a loud bang and a shout issued from the main room. They both bolted towards the source.
Upon seeing Metro Man, the blue dog collapsed into laughter, and, after a moment of stunned silence, she joined him. But, then, who wouldn’t laugh at a huge dog struggling to get out of a pair of tights without tearing them. Wayne, from what she could see of him, appeared to be an over-sized German Shepherd Dog on steroids, with an unusually fluffy coat.
He finally kicked free of the suit and began ranting at Megamind, who was still on the ground trying to catch his breath. Then Wayne said something that made the blue dog become serious. Megamind rolled to his feet and snapped several things back, causing the hero to sit down and glower.
Roxanne was totally lost. Sure they bantered and fought one another, but they never actually argued. She wondered if she would be able to get a straight answer about what they had said once they were normal again.
* * *
They were once again walking through town since Metro Man currently couldn’t pick a person up comfortably and most taxi services didn’t allow dogs that couldn’t fit in a purse. She had decided that both men- dogs were going to stay with her, so Wayne was also trailing behind Roxanne. He was walking as well as so not to draw attention to himself. A blue dog was easily explained, a flying one was not and none of them wanted people to know that the defender of Metro City was furry. Well, Megamind might. She didn’t know, this whole thing had her confused. It was so far from their routine that she wasn’t sure where any of them stood in terms of hero, villain, and captive.
She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t notice a couple of kids hiding behind a car until the eggs had already left their hands. Roxanne let out a startled squeak as the first egg splattered the ground in front of her. More eggs struck her and the guys, who simultaneously charged forward barking. The brats scattered, yelling about rabid dogs chasing them as they ran into their houses. Little monsters.
“Well, that was fun,” she said sarcastically.
Megamind muttered something and glared back at the children’s houses. Metro Man chided him with garbled sounds. The blue dog shrugged off the comments, grinning evilly. Roxanne wasn’t sure if she should pity the kids or help the villain get back at them, because there was no way dry cleaning would be able to save her pantsuit.
* * *
Back at her apartment, Roxanne knelt by the bathtub, filling it with warm water while both guys pressed themselves into opposite corners of the bathroom. She had lied and told them that see was just going to wipe the egg off of them with a washcloth to get them in the room before locking the door. It was a twist lock and neither of them had the dexterity to open it, so they were stuck unless they opted to break the door down.
She grabbed the closest dog, which happened to be Megamind, and dropped him into the bath. He immediately slipped on the enamel and came up sputtering. Roxanne blinked in shock at the naked man wiping bubbles out of his eyes. The collar still around his neck didn’t count.
“You’ve got to be kidding me! Water? Really?” complained Megamind upon noticing that he was normal. “I have got to figure out what that rat did to my Dog-Brain Ray.”
“You’re you!” she gasped stupidly.
“Yes, and I’ll have you know this water is cold.”
He plucked the washcloth out of her hands, turned his back to her, and began scrubbing the egg off his skin. In the background Wayne was chuckling at them.
“I don’t see what’s you’re laughing at, Metro Mutt, you’re next,” Megamind stated.
Metro Man slurred something and waving his paws defensively.
“Did you hear that, Ms. Ritchie? Your hero would prefer to swim to the dirty lake than borrow your tub.”
Her brain was still out-to-lunch at the NAKED MAN waist deep in bubbles.
Wayne made several non-words.
“You mean modesty and that does tend to go out the window when one grows up using a comm-un-al shower.”
With that, the blue man stepped out of the water and started drying himself with a towel. After seeing that, Roxanne must have lost some time, because the next think she knew she had a huge dog face inches from her own, yapping at her. She squeaked and shoved at Metro Man reflexively. He quickly backed away, making apologetic sounds. Seeing an opportunity, Megamind grabbed the flying dog by his scruff and dunked him.
“Ha, ha! I win Metro Mahn,” crowed the villain.
The last thing Roxanne saw before her brain completely overloaded was Wayne staggering to his feet, dripping soapy water and opening his mouth to retort.
Whatever the hero had been about to say was forgotten when she fainted. Both men looked at her, then at each other.
“Too much?” inquired Megamind.
“I’d say,” Metro Man agreed.
“You still have egg in your hair.”