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In the fall of 2008, Barney kisses Ted for the first time. This is how it goes down:
They're at a gay bar. The same one he brought James to, that time he showed up all, "I'm getting married!" and Barney – well, never mind. That's all in the past. James and Tom did get married, and they have Eli – the luckiest (two dads!), most awesome nephew in the world – and Barney, of all people, knows that's pretty much that.
This night, though. Barney hasn't picked up a girl by pretending to be gay in – wow, he's not even sure, but it's been a few years, definitely. It was with James, the last time. And it's a lame night, and he's feeling like something old-school after the Naked Man Disaster, and he wanted Robin to come play laser tag, but she – whatever. He calls Ted.
(If you can't call your best friend, who can you call?)
Ted is the bro to beat all bros. He's the wingman of wingmen, with the key exception of Barney himself (and James; that goes without saying), and Barney calls him up, and he phrases it like, whoa! I've just had a brilliant new idea! Girls love gay guys! (People have to think your idea is awesome, if you act like it's awesome.)
It actually turns out, girls don't like gay guys as much as the last time Barney pulled this off. Even when he slings an arm around Ted and tries to project extra-extra-unavailability, he keeps striking out. Maybe Ted isn't as convincingly gay as Barney or James. Definitely Ted doesn't get the same kick out of selling a ruse (sad, but everyone has a flaw). ...Maybe it's his blazer?
After the fourth failed pickup in a row, Ted starts to argue, girls don't actually like gay guys, not like that, and Barney – well, that's just ridiculous, because, please, he's done this a hundred times. But sometimes – very, very occasionally – for roughly the same reasons Barney likes getting Ted laid, Barney likes letting Ted be think he's right. "How do you know?" he asks (as if Ted could possibly know anything about girls that Barney hasn't taught him himself). And Ted says –
"I was a philosophy major for three months in college. Bisexual experimentation was practically a credit."
Oh. Well, that would be...uh...not that surprising. Interesting, though. Maybe information Barney can use.
Nonetheless, he unhooks his arm from around Ted's shoulders. It's not even midnight yet; too early for gay confessions.
Ted looks a little smug. Barney starts to think maybe he's been played (but how?). Hmmm.
A few minutes go by. They scan for boobs.
Is Ted scanning for boobs? Barney eyes him sideways. Well, he's never had a bisexual bro before. This could be cool. But...Ted isn't really bi, is he? Or maybe he is. It's hard to be sure. He does spend an awful lot of time on his hair.
What kinds of guys did Ted hook up with in college? Did he hook up with a lot of guys? Did he have a type? Were they – oh, God, maybe they were all douchey musicians. (Barney suppresses a shudder.) Worse: Could they have been performance artists? Or philosophers, like Ted in his phase? Or – oh, no – environmental activists?
Maybe Ted is good at sucking cock.
Maybe –
Was that Glow-in-the-Dark Jane over there? "Oh, crap."
Ted looks at Barney, jarred out of whatever he was scoping. "What?"
Barney cranes to confirm, then explains. "It's Jane Ferry. She went from the hot side of the scale to the crazy side in about two seconds."
Ted blinks. "What happened?"
"She caught me in the preliminary stages of a tricycle," Barney lies. "Oh, crap, she's coming over."
Jane Ferry was the one who once tried to sit him down and have a Talk. Not a talk about "them"; lots of girls tried that (with no success, of course) – Jane never really seemed to care about "them" like that. Actually, she was the one who suggested the tricycle they almost had. (Barney had to pinch himself to be sure he wasn't dreaming.) No, she was "worried." She wanted to talk about him, the way Lily does sometimes, all about Feelings – but that's Lily, and this thing with Jane was – a long time ago, before Feelings and San Francisco and – what; like he was just supposed to sit and take that? She was all, "I think you have a problem," and he – God, it's ridiculous just remembering it.
He has to head her off now. She can't – he can't – it's a good thing he brought Ted. (Let this be a reminder: Never bro out alone.)
Barney turns toward Ted and reaches for him. He means to cup his face but overshoots and gets his neck. His thumb scrapes the corner of Ted's mouth on the landing. Ted, even as a look of horror flashes across his face, gets a little bit of a shiver.
It's sweltering in the bar.
Barney starts to grin.
Ted's face is half resigned, half amused, half...never mind, there are no other halves. "I'm going to have to jump on the man-grenade, aren't I?" he says, with a sigh.
"You better believe it."
Kissing Ted isn't half as good as Barney's ever imagined. He doesn't kiss like he's ever kissed a guy anyone before. Barney kind of doubts what that "experimentation" consisted of now. This is Ted, after all: maybe they held hands? God.
...Okay, seriously. It's like kissing a cardboard cutout.
Well. Except that Ted is warmer than a cardboard cutout, and his hand is pressed between them, and when Barney tries to kiss him harder the tips of his fingers curl into Barney's chest. It's sweet, in a Ted sort of way. Barney almost doesn't wonder if his unmanicured nails are wrecking his tie.
Did any of Ted's douchey college hookups kiss him like this? Or was it all a bunch of, I'm finding myself! I live in the moment! I –
You know, it's not like Ted's never done this before. It's kind of insulting how he won't let Barney slip him some tongue.
*
After Jane and her "new girlfriend, Melissa," depart:
Barney breathes a sigh of relief.
They should really ditch the bar now. But they don't. Barney figures, well, they've sold the ruse for sure now; might as well stick it out. And Ted says, "You owe me a lifetime of drinks," and Barney says –
"Yeah, don't act like you didn't like it." And Ted – gets this look that – there isn't a word for, exactly. But it's great. It sends up Barney's spine and out through his nerve endings that creeping, tingling, delicious flush of victory that he – loves
– so he does buy the next round. And the round after that. And the round after that.
Not that he wouldn't have anyway.
In the spring of 2009, Barney kisses Ted for the second time. This is how that goes down:
It's the night of Ted's thirty-first birthday. ("Well, technically, it's the morning after." "Ted, don't be such a Ted.") Marshall and Lily have gone home. Robin's gone to work.
It's after two AM, and they're drunk.
Pretty drunk.
Ted's a little more drunk.
"Do you like Triscuits?" he asks, plopping his elbows on the table. He tries to put his chin in his hands and misses.
"I like tricks," Barney replies, carefully. His mouth feels the wrong shape for talking.
"Like with the rabbit?" Ted says, squinting.
"No."
They laugh helplessly for a while after that. Then Ted starts quoting Ghostbusters, and Barney – Barney stares at the hoofprint-shaped bruise on Ted's head and thinks about a year ago.
Was that a year ago? Vegas?
"Ted?" he says, once he's pretty sure it was a year ago. "Can I tell you something?"
Ted is scoping the world through the bottom of a shot glass. "Su-ure."
"I'm glad you're my bro."
They grin at one another. "I'm glad you're my bro, too, Barney," Ted echoes. "Well, mostly. Baaarney. Barney?"
"Ted. Can I ask you a question?"
"Is it who you're gonna call?!"
Barney shakes his head. "It's about – guys," he says, quickly, before Ted can start singing.
"What guys?"
"In college. When you were a – a – douche."
"What?!"
"I mean. When you – you said you – you know. Tried some stuff. With some guys?"
"Guys?"
"Ted. Come on. Hot, not hot. Dirty? Paint me a word picture."
Ted looks terribly confused.
Then he starts laughing. And so Barney starts laughing, too, and that goes on for a while...until Barney realizes he's not sure why he's laughing this time and stops. "Ted – Ted – Ted. Tell me," he persists. "I'm your best friend!"
Ted gives him a Look but doesn't deny it. Score one for scotch. Barney winks (Ted makes a face). "Hey. We're bros," he encourages, with an air of confidentiality. "Bros can keep a secret."
"It's not a secret, Barney."
"Well, okay. Tell me."
"Okayyy."
Barney waits. Ted leans in over the table and stage-whispers (still laughing, damn him) –
"There were no guys."
What? "What?!"
Ted is now not only laughing but pointing. "Gotcha!"
"Damn it, Ted!" Barney says, aloud this time, and shakes his head to clear it. He starts gearing up to be all, "Ted! Were there or were there not guys?!" but then he doesn't have to, because Ted leans in again, and –
"There was one guy."
Barney eyes him uncertainly, not sure if he can be trusted. "Oh, God. Please tell me it wasn't Marshall."
Ted stops laughing. His mouth falls open a little; he squints, like he's thinking really hard. "No..." he says slowly. He doesn't sound quite sure enough for Barney's taste. Barney scowls. Ted frowns.
It's hard to be sure how their faces get so close together.
This time Ted not only lets Barney use his tongue, he uses some tongue himself.
Not bad.
Suck on that, Marshall.
*
Four hours later:
"Oh, my God, Barney!"
"Robin! Good morning. Is Ted up yet? Hey, nice robe. I can see your – "
"Why are you sleeping in our tub?!"
In the summer of That night:
"Did we – do something last night?" Ted asks, as Carl's getting their drinks.
"Yeah, we made out. You weren't very good. I was awesome, no surprise."
Ted rolls his eyes. "I was drunk," he says. He doesn't specify what that's supposed to excuse.
Barney grins, and only grins more as Ted starts to look nervous. "Yeah, okay, Ted."
*
Three hours after that:
They're drunk again. Not as drunk as the night before – not sloppy-drunk – just drunk enough that when Barney stands up and says, "Ted! I need you," Ted doesn't split hairs about why.
"Are we going to Maine again?" he asks, when they're out on the curb. "Because it was okay that one time, but I have work tomorrow, and – what?"
And Barney says, "Nothing," and kisses him.
And afterward Ted says, "Oh." – a surprised sound, but not a bad-surprised sound, and not that surprised a sound, really. And he looks at Barney for a minute, all thoughtful with his big dark baby-angel eyes – stupid Ted – but then he kisses Barney, and everything starts to happen really fast –
like backing Ted into the railing in front of MacLaren's and kissing him breathless –
like grabbing handfuls of his jacket (really? really? corduroy?! Barney didn't even know they still made that crap) and for the first time ever being glad Ted never wears anything decent –
like feeling him get hard against his hip and pushing up into that until he gasps –
again –
and again –
and then someone taps Barney on the shoulder. And it's Wendy the waitress. And everything slows down reeeal quick. Ted hides his face.
"Well," says Barney after Wendy goes inside. "Good news: She probably won't be worried about you and Stella anymore."
"Barney..." Ted says, in Barney's least favorite tone – the thinking one that always means Ted's about to Ted up something that could otherwise be awesome –
Barney kisses him, hard, and palms him through his jeans. When he breaks away after a couple of seconds, Ted says, a little dazedly, "I-I – never mind."
Yeah, that's right.
They stumble up to Ted's apartment, tripping over each other on the way. Ted is past his moment of hesitation; they slam the door and right away are kissing again, and dragging at one another's clothes; and this is the great thing about hooking up with dudes, see – the thing Barney's always liked, ever since James first turned out to be gay and Barney started trying stuff (just to see what it was like), because – there's no mushy crap here, he doesn't have to pretend he loves Ted, not like that anyway, they're just, they're getting naked and having – good things happen.
Like a massage.
Like a really, really awesome massage.
*
And about forty-five (sticky) minutes after that:
Barney comes out of a light doze to something dropping on his head. "Ow," he mumbles, and rolls away from Ted to see the front door shut behind Robin.
He fumbles around on the floor for what fell on him.
It's the Mr. Wang's takeout menu.
Oops.
This is what Barney tells himself:
1) Ted is practically a chick, so it's not a big deal.
2) If Ted were a chick, he'd be exactly the kind of chick Barney would put some time into corrupting.
3) Ted is Ted.
And this is what Barney tells Ted:
1) I've been thinking, I could be gay! I mean. Ever since James said he was.
2) Come on, being gay is awesome.
3) Anyway, Ted, you're kind of a chick. ("...Thanks.")
And this is the ultimate argument:
1) What's one more time, really?