Chapter Text
Even as his body pitched itself to the floor, only one thought came to mind.
Nothing felt worse than not knowing.
Actually having an answer, even if it wasn’t who he thought, would have been infinitely better. As a matter of fact, being wrong would have even been preferable. At least he’d have an answer, something concrete to hold onto. Anything to stop the anticipation quickly running his heart ragged as he attempted to pull himself off the practice room floor.
He had heard another person fall with him when his body stopped obeying physics. He felt the incessant pull on his heart, on his still blooming soul mark, dragging him to his feet and forcing him to face his fate. To face him, his soulmate .
Hands helped him stand, but they couldn’t stop him from moving, from breaking past their circle of concern to stumble towards the other group, where the other boy fell.
Towards his soulmate, who was beginning to stand.
Who was turning towards him.
Who was—
“Hi, my name is Joshua Hong.” He tried to keep the nervous waver out of his voice as he stretched out his hand, but the longer it stayed hung in midair, completely ignored, the more his nerves found a new outlet in his now shaking hand.
“… Follow me.” The dark-haired boy ordered curtly. He didn’t give chance for a reply before he spun on his heels and started walking back to the company building, leaving Joshua stumbling to keep up.
Joshua had hoped that things would become more clear once he arrived in South Korea after being scouted. At the very least, he’d expected something more… inviting. The country itself seemed unwelcoming, with its weather already feeling like several hundred degrees colder than his home in Southern California. And now he was meeting the remarkably cold leader of the trainee group he was joining. It had only been a couple of months since the festival he was scouted at but the whirlwind of events that led to him to this point left him reeling and in desperate need of some kind of reassurance.
“How old are you?” The boy asked once they were in the elevator. The sound of his deep voice startled Joshua and his mind struggled to come up with the right number.
“Six… no, I’m eighteen. Korean age. I’ll be… my birthday is soon. December… 30th…” Halfway through his sentence the other boy’s face gained a bit of surprise softening his harsh appearance.
“You were born in 1995?”
“Yes, and… um…” Realizing he didn’t have a name for the boy he quickly tried to come up with something. “And how old are you… sunbaenim?”
The honorific was met with a harsh laugh. “Oh my God, really? No no no, I’m not your sunbae! Actually we’re the same age!” His whole body relaxed against the elevator wall even as Joshua tensed further. “I’m Choi Seungcheol, and honestly I’m glad, I didn’t have any same age friends among the trainees for our group. Oh, wait…” The ease dissipated from his face as he looked thoughtful towards the ceiling. “That means you’re joining the group late and as a hyung on top of that.” His gaze turned sideways at him. “It won’t be easy, getting a dozen or so kids to listen to you.”
Joshua blinked once. Then twice. “I’m a hyung? A… dozen? You mean a dozen younger than me?? I mean, us? We…”
He clapped a heavy hand on Joshua’s shoulder. “Yes, you and I are the oldest.”
If Joshua had any hopes of having an easy transition, they were smashed when he opened the doors to that green practice room and was met with nearly a dozen pairs of eyes zeroing in on him.
Introductions flew by in a tangle of names as he tried to put them to faces. After a brief embarrassment where he assumed one of the other Americans, Vernon, couldn’t speak Korean, he managed a bit of conversation. He knew his Korean wasn’t as great as it could have been, and definitely much worse than his English, but listening to Vernon and tiny little Samuel jump back and forth between the two languages like he often did made him feel better.
It was late, almost insanely so, before he was finally brought to the dorm. Cramped with boys and barely allotted enough space to walk through the sea of mattresses in the living room, he somehow never felt more alone in his life. Even showering was a very Spartan thing as there was only one shower for the lot of them and they apparently went together in groups of three or four. Unaccustomed to it all and feeling increasingly overwhelmed, the final straw was the understanding that one of the many floor mattresses was meant for him. This was his bed, this was how he was going to live.
Under the single comforter he was given, he finally cracked, hoping his quiet crying wouldn’t be heard by the younger members sleeping around him.
After that first night it was just one upset after another. Joshua knew he couldn’t dance, or rap, or do anything besides sing and play guitar, but judging on the teacher’s attention only one of those things was encouraged for the time being. The final punch was being told that he still needed to audition, that he only had two months to prepare, and if he didn’t make it he would just be sent back home to LA.
So he practiced. Over and over and over again, working with whatever he could, trying to listen to their instructors who got his name wrong, trying to get help from the trainees that came before him. It wasn’t until the new year passed, when they all started calling him nineteen years old when he didn’t even really feel seventeen yet, that he finally had a breath of relief as he’d passed the audition. He was going to stay.
But like all things that cause high stress, he felt strangely empty after that goal had been accomplished. Unsure of where to go from there, he made attempts to build his relationships with the other members. While some were more than welcoming—such as Seokmin, who opened up to Joshua quickly—others were colder than ice. He could only be referring to Jihoon with that particular thought, the one who spent more time in the recording studio than he did doing literally anything else.
Luckily, Joshua didn't have to dwell on that thought, because something new and amazing happened. It was announced that another boy was joining. That alone was exciting, but the day he walked in, Joshua couldn’t control the reaction he had. Eyes wide and jaw hanging slack, only one thought came to mind.
“There really was someone so handsome in Korea?”
The boy who walked in had the coveted delicate features that every beauty blogger and idol wished they were born with. His slender frame carried him into the room where he looked around carefully. There was a hint of uncertainty in his sharp eyes that cemented Joshua’s decision to act.
Quickly coming up to him, Joshua willed his heart to calm down. “Hi, are you the new trainee?” He immediately cringed, of course he was, why did he ask? The boy luckily spared him and nodded anyway, looking slightly past Joshua’s shoulder as if he wasn’t quite listening. “Have you met anyone yet?” No, wait, backtrack, they needed names first! And ages! Why was Joshua suddenly so bad at talking?
“Oh, I met... Seungkwan, I think, a little while ago. In the hallway. But there’s so many of you...” He shoved his hands into his jacket pocket as he let his weight rock back. He was almost adorable as his shoulders curled protectively inwards a bit. Joshua wondered if he also looked that vulnerable when he first arrived.
“Well, I’m Joshua, and I’m nineteen this year.” It still felt strange to say, “And your name is...?” He extended his hand, and suddenly the boy’s behavior flipped. His beautiful face brightened tremendously as he easily took Joshua’s hand, facing him and turning the full force of his gaze on his face. The unexpectedly strong eye contact was almost intimidating.
“Oh hey, we’re the same age!” A full, real smile finally graced his lips as he took his hand. “I’m Yoon Jeonghan.” Not letting their hands fall, he leaned forward, “I’m sorry, you said your name was what?”
“Joshua.”
“No, your full name.”
“Joshua Hong.”
Jeonghan shook his head, his smile turning a little sardonic. “I don’t mean your stage name, I mean your real name.”
“Ah!” Of all the times to forget his nationality, introducing himself wasn’t the best time. “I’m an American, my birth name actually is Joshua Hong. But my parents sometimes call me Jisoo, so I guess Hong Jisoo would be my Korean name?” He trailed off as it was apparent he lost Jeonghan about halfway through his speech.
Eyes searching, he asked, “You’re American? Like, you actually lived there? How long?” By now his body was completely relaxed as he stepped closer to Joshua, putting them almost uncomfortably close. However, he was more than happy to stand so close to such a handsome boy.
“I lived there all my life, up until a few months ago. My parents taught me Korean at home.” He was about to mention Vernon and Samuel and how they compared but the thought died when he saw Jeonghan’s eyes light up. He seemed completely invested in learning about Joshua, so much so he hadn’t even said anything about himself. Joshua found he liked the attention.
“But your Korean is good! And you don’t look like you’re mixed. I never would have guessed you were American.” Something in Jeonghan’s words rubbed Joshua the wrong way, like he should be proud he could pass for not-American, but the thought faded for the moment. “Anyways, isn’t ‘Joshua’ kinda long and hard to say? And I’m pretty sure ‘Jisoo’ is a girl’s name. Don’t you have a nickname?”
Okay, Joshua felt that was actually rude. “No, I just go by Joshua.” He tried not to be terse with his answer, but it came out sounding clipped anyway.
Luckily the effect didn’t appear to offend Jeonghan, who looked appropriately shameful. “Sorry, I didn’t mean... I’m just not good with English pronunciation at all. I don’t wanna mess up your name. What if I gave you a name only I can use? Since we’re same-age friends.”
Hearing Jeonghan call them friends so easily made Joshua’s heart feel light and sort of fluttery. And the idea of a friends-only nickname was new to him. “Oh, yeah, that’s a good idea. But I’m bad with names, so you come up with it.”
Jeonghan dropped Joshua’s hand to give him a mock salute, but his arm faltered when it brought to their attention that they had been holding hands the entire time. Jeonghan’s ears stained red as he continued his thought process anyways, “Yes sir, you can count on me!”
Jeonghan was then whisked away by an excitable Seokmin to meet the other trainees, even though the pink hadn’t quite faded from his ears, leaving Joshua alone with his thoughts. Had he really become that smitten with him after having only talked for a few minutes? He felt his own ears burning and tried to calm his still-fluttering heart.
Over time things calmed down, both in his chest and in the practice room, and they were thrown back into the never-ending practice cycle of trainees. Joshua had hoped that with another hyung in the group that he and Seungcheol would have a better hold of the younger members, but Jeonghan was far from helpful in that case. He ran around belittling the youngest members, like calling Chan a baby and giving everyone pet names. Despite his angelic looks, the boy was downright rude at the best of times, his savage streak a mile wide and an ocean deep. The only exception was when the cameras were turned on them, and suddenly he was every bit the angel he looked.
The final straw was when he, in his effort to find a good nickname for Joshua, started calling him “Hong Josa”. The awful name caught on like wildfire and eventually Joshua accidentally glared at their vocal instructor over it. The incident warranted Seungcheol pulling him aside, which always had the anxiety of being sent to the principal’s office.
“Joshua, what was that about?” He crossed his arms over his chest and waited with barely-there patience.
“It’s just, I don’t like the nickname Jeonghan gave me.” He couldn’t come up with any better excuse, which only highlighted how petty his ire was.
Seungcheol didn’t blame him though, as he nodded knowingly. “Right, well you aren’t the only one. But you can’t go giving ugly looks to the instructors, or anyone for that matter. You’re an idol, you have to control yourself.”
Feeling like a kicked puppy, Joshua nodded at the floor. More and more often, he’d been feeling less like a same-aged friend to Seungcheol and Jeonghan and more like one of the younger members. It wasn’t enough that he was being scolded and babied, but they felt the need to be particularly ruthless in correcting his Korean as well. Sometimes it felt like they were expecting him to be perfect at it, even though he really wasn’t Korean at all. He didn’t even feel Korean despite looking and acting like one.
“I’ll talk to Jeonghan about the names,” he distantly heard Seungcheol say, “but you’ll have to learn to control your reactions on your own.”
He didn’t feel like he quite fit.
Days turned to weeks and weeks into months; finally they had a small break in their practice schedule. Not having to wake up early the next day, Joshua waited to be the last to shower so that he could go alone for once and take as long as he wanted. That was when his mind finally afforded him a small distraction he couldn’t before—a chance to check the mark.
Or rather the lack thereof. For under his left collar bone was still smooth, uninterrupted skin. “Not like I was hoping it was him…” he whispered to himself in the shower mirror as he dried his hair. But he still couldn’t stop his finger from pressing on the skin, searching for any sign of an indention or line developing.
However, his thoughts were cut short by a tiny giggle coming from the open door. His glare at the little monkey did nothing to stop him from conspiratorially teasing, “Hyung was acting weird!” But Joshua would not fall to Samuel’s level, not today.
“Shouldn’t you be asleep? You’re going home tomorrow, you need go to bed so you’ll get up.”
“Hyung will wake me up!”
“Not this hyung, I’m sleeping in.” He put his hand on Samuel’s head and tried to turn him away from the door. But he squirrelly boy just turned all the way back around and stopped the door from closing again.
“Okay, but Hyung, what does that,” he rubbed his fingers under his collarbone, “mean? I saw Seungcheol-hyung doing it too.” At this Joshua paused.
“You... don’t know what that is? No one’s told you?” Samuel shook his head. “Isn’t that something your parents are supposed to tell you?”
His eyes grew wide. “Is it an adult thing? But Hyung, you aren’t an adult yet! Not until next year, right?”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t know, now get out, I need to finish drying off.” But Samuel wouldn’t budge, using all his shoulder strength to brace himself against the door frame. “Yah! Samuel, go to bed!”
“Tell me! Tell me and then I’ll go.” Joshua was about question how much force he needed to put in his foot to not break Samuel’s ribs while literally kicking him out of the bathroom when a door opened somewhere and feet padded across the floor.
“Now you’ve gone and woken someone up.” Joshua tried to use the distraction to pry Samuel’s hand off the door but the 12 year old’s grip was ironclad even as he looked down the hall at who was coming.
Vernon appeared in the doorway, surprisingly wide eyed and alert despite having just been asleep. Or maybe he had only been pretending, and was actually on his phone under the blanket. “ What’s Samuel yelling about now? ” He asked in English.
“ He’s just being annoying .” Joshua answered over Samuel’s head.
This prompted the boy to wave his hands over his head to get their attention. “ I know what you’re saying! ”
“Yah, then be quiet, everyone’s trying to sleep.” Vernon clapped his hands over Samuel’s shoulders and pulled him backwards, but again the preteen would not budge.
“But Joshua-hyung was going to tell me an adult thing!” He stage whispered conspiratorially. Vernon was only 3 years younger than Joshua but he sometimes acted more like Samuel’s age when he felt like it.
“Really?” This was apparently one of those times. “What were you going to tell him?”
“He just wanted to know about marks, now can I please finish drying my hair before I catch a cold on our one day off?” This time, it was Vernon’s hand that stopped the door.
“Marks? You don’t mean,” he glanced back down the hall before dropping his voice like Samuel did, “ Soul marks? ”
“ Yes? ” He answered at a normal volume, unsure why they were acting like that. “But can I have like, three seconds of privacy for once??” Finally Samuel relinquished the door as he turned his questions on Vernon out in the hall. Joshua, thoroughly confused, finished with his hair and put on a shirt, only to open the door and find the two of them sitting on the floor in the hall, waiting for him.
“Why are you two like this?” he asked flatly.
Vernon waved his hand—but for Joshua to lower his voice or sit, he wasn’t sure. In the end he did both, figuring they’d never leave him alone if he didn’t answer their questions. Samuel, with huge round eyes, was quick to fire off the first question.
“So what does that rubbing mean?” he asked as he mimed the motion again.
Simple enough. “I was looking to see if anything was different where my soul mark would be. Not... not that I was expecting it to,” he added quickly, “I was just checking.” His answer was met with two blank stares, but for vastly different reasons. Reason one, Vernon didn’t appear to believe him, and reason two, Samuel didn’t seem to even know what a soul mark was.
“Okay, but... don’t you have to have a soulmate first? ” Vernon asked hesitantly.
Joshua was taken aback for a moment. “No, the mark builds under the skin first, months before the gravity event.”
“The what?” Samuel pipped up.
“ Gravity event .” Vernon supplied in English again. “ Isn’t that when two soulmates find each other though? How can the mark come up if they haven’t met yet? ”
“That... isn’t how that works at all. And why are we using English?” Now Joshua was truly stumped, but when Vernon made random silencing gestures he gave up using Korean. “ The mark develops as you interact with your soulmate, and it can take several months or even a year before the event finally happens and the mark’s lines break through the skin. Didn’t they teach you guys any of this when you were little? ”
“ I’m still little .” Samuel pointed at his chest.
“It’s not like that,” Vernon shifted nervously, “It’s just, in Korea, you aren’t supposed to talk about soul marks or anything except with your own soulmate. And even then, you have to be over 19 to even see movies and stuff about it. It’s like... taboo. We’ll get in trouble if they find out you were teaching us stuff before we were old enough .”
“What, like it’s an ‘adult’ thing here?” Suddenly Samuel’s rapt attention made sense, and Joshua understood why they were whispering on the floor at the end of the hall. “Okay but...” he wasn’t sure how to phrase the thought, “isn’t it wrong to not teach you guys? I mean yeah, most people can’t even develop a mark until they’re usually around 20 years in Korean age, but minors have been known to get them. ”
“ Can I get one ?” Samuel threw his hand up which Vernon quickly smacked down with a hiss to silence him.
“No, you have to be finished growing,” Joshua laughed behind his hand, “You haven’t even started growing.”
“Hey!” Samuel nearly shouted.
“Hush!” someone from the living room mattress sea barked. It sounded like Jihoon, but they weren’t about to risk their lives to find out. They all simultaneously shut their mouths and waited for what felt like an eternity to see if someone was going to get up. Eventually it seemed like they were safe, and they silently agreed to end the conversation there.
Carefully picking his way across the floor Joshua tried his best to get into bed in complete silence but nearly screamed in shock when he realized someone on the next bed was glaring at him. For sure it was Jihoon, halfway wrapped up in a blanket and yet still looking as menacing as ever. Joshua whispered, “Sorry,” but it quickly withered into nothing.
Jihoon’s answer was to completely ignore the apology and roll over. If he understood their conversation from what little Korean they used, then maybe Vernon was right about the topic being a controversial one. Even though Joshua didn’t like that kids here weren’t educated, it wasn’t his problem to deal with. With a strange twinge of anxiety in his chest he fell asleep.