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*
There is a first time for everything, the saying goes. It has a peculiar taste in James' mouth because it's usually his best excuse to do any stupid thing that crosses his mind. There's a first time for everything he says, when he's 14 and feels a girl for the first time, and again, when he's 16 and feels a boy for the first time. There's a first time for everything he says, that one time when he's 18, wants to impress a girl and tries karaoke for the first and last time – the man can't sing to save his life. There's a first time for everything he says, when it's 6 am and he's drunk and out of soda and doesn't want to drink his scotch pure so he adds milk in it. He ends up puking for hours and swears to never drink milk ever again.
James Hunt has had a lot of first times, but he doesn't really care about them until he's 23.
*
The first time he sees Niki Lauda, he's just another faceless driver hidden under a dark helmet. Small guy, agitated, you can feel him glaring to everything and everyone despite the fact that he's wearing an actual helmet. The thought makes James smile; smile that goes away as fast as it appeared when James starts giving back his breakfast to the floor.
The first time James Hunt sees Niki Lauda, it's a bit of a blur and James doesn't understand what is going on and why this little man with a horrible accent is talking, no, insulting, him. Then he remembers the pilot, the race, that corner and starts insulting back because frankly, what was at first an amusing banter is becoming quickly annoying and life is too short to pay attention to a frustrated and angry driver with prominent teeth.
That first time, James lets his gaze wander over Niki's features, more by habit than by real interest. After all, if nothing else, James has a reputation for noticing the pretty and dismissing the rest. And Niki is not pretty, far from it, not this time, not with rage written all over his face, with his messed up curls and those distracting teeth. And yet, James doesn't dismiss him immediately. Of course, he more or less tells him to go fuck off somewhere else, but he feels deep down that this guy is somehow worth noticing.
*
James remembers the first time he laughs with Niki. There have been thousand times when he has laughed at Niki or the other way round, but the first time they share a laugh beats all those previous times they had made each other victims and bullies. James doesn't remember why they laugh. They're in the Ferrari paddock, Niki has said something funny and James' roaring laugh echoes in the empty room, so contagious that Niki can't help but laugh along. They stop breathless, looking at each other with surprise, already feeling they've crossed some sort of forbidden line.
“Well that's new,” James murmurs.
“There's a first time for everything,” Niki says and James' smile changes into the brightest grin and he has to leave, else he knows he'll do something stupid like hugging Niki. He has a feeling that with Niki, he shouldn't rush things. In this exact moment, Niki is not at all like the first time James saw him. He's not awkward teeth, annoying face, crazy hair. He's stunning eyes, adorable smile, inviting curls.
*
There's the first time they fight, of course. To be fair, they're fighting almost constantly, except it's never been real until this time. They tease or insult each other on a day-to-day basis but this time is nothing like those times. They realise it amidst their shouting but they won't stop, can't stop. The subject of the fight doesn't matter, could be anything, a race, James' reckless behaviour, Niki's annoying self or maybe all of this.
James doesn't like to remember this part, doesn't like to remember how Niki's words had hurt, or worst, how his words had hurt Niki.
They're shouting in a small hotel room, with no one around to tell them they're being stupid and to stop it. They're shouting, but soon, it's not nearly enough and Niki punches James. James punches back, misses, feels the metallic taste of blood where Niki has hurt him. He pushes Niki violently against the nearest wall, one hand tight around Niki's throat. Niki, breathless, is looking at him but James sees no sign of fear in those bright blue eyes, only defiance and something more. Something that James eventually acknowledges as desire.
There starts the actual part that James likes to remember, the part where his lips crush against Niki's. He can taste blood, cigarette, alcohol, and something so Niki, it makes him light headed.
That first kiss is not at all like they say in the books – not that James reads those kind of books anyway. James' world doesn't stop turning, he doesn't see stars, he doesn't hear fireworks. If anything, the world only seems to go faster, as it should, as Niki bites down on his neck. All he hears are uncontrolled moans and ragged breaths. All he sees is Niki, Niki everywhere. And there, with their clothed erections pressed together – James chooses pointedly not to acknowledge the fact that he's been hard long before they started kissing – with their mouths unable to stop dancing together, with saliva and blood all over their faces, James, for the first time, doesn't feel gorgeous at all. However, nothing has ever felt more glorious.
Glorious and ephemeral, as Niki pushes him away as soon as James' hands travel down his body. A last glare, not a word, not a sound and the Austrian is out of the room, leaving James to wonder in silence if he hasn't dreamt everything.
*
And then of course, there's the first time, not so long after that kiss, mere hours in fact, the first time James truly wants to kill himself. Because what's the point in living when Niki is dying in his burning car, dying in his hospital bed, dying because of James.
James wins Nürburgring because that's what he's supposed to do, win races, but suddenly it doesn't matter any more. There's only one person he wants to impress, one person he wants to beat, so what's the bloody point if Niki Lauda's not here?
The first time he goes to the hospital to see Niki, the Austrian is not deemed out of danger yet, his life still on the line, and James comes to say goodbye, to Niki, to the world – which is basically the same. What he doesn't expect, is Niki to be conscious, to catch his hand and to tell him with a croaked voice to stop being a pussy and to go back to the car and wait for him to come back.
James hears Niki say what he doesn't actually say, he hears him say I need you to be strong for both of us, I need you to go out and drive, that's the only way you can help me get out of this bed
*
The first time he sees Niki's scars, James is not stupid enough to really think Niki is actually better looking now, but he says it nonetheless. He understands that Niki has lost his face, and whatever the Austrian pretends, it matters. Niki will never be pretty again – James never stops regretting he's never told him how pretty he was – but damn, he's beautiful. Not beautiful despite the scars, but thanks to them; a true phoenix leaving the blaze to reappear stronger than ever. The past is just ashes now, and the small, tight smile on Niki's broken face as James kisses lightly his nose is the promise of a better future.
*
James has had a thousand first times. There's only a few he cares to remember, and although he doesn't like lessons, there's one he's learned: life is not about trying and doing everything and anything possible, no, what matters is the person with whom you're trying.