Chapter Text
Vaya slept in fits and starts, barely drifting off before jerking awake again. Between dozes, xe contemplated xyr next move. Whether xe’d wake up in Volume’s arms and go about xyr day pretending everything was normal, or if the next time xe opened xyr eyes xe’d get up and run.
The sun rose, sliding too-bright fingers down the walls of the bedroom and across the mattress until they passed over Volume’s face and he stirred awake.
“Mornin’,” he slurred almost immediately.
Vaya didn’t respond.
Clumsily, Volume pressed his lips to the side of Vaya’s head. He took a few tries to properly hit xyr cheekbone, then squeezed his arms around xem and spoke again.
“Vaya?”
Xe finally found the strength to move, shoving Volume’s grip off and sitting up. Before Volume had the chance to react, xe was up and off the bed, kicking through the clothes scattered on the floor in search of something to put on. Xe ended up grabbing the first pair of shorts xe found, not even bothering to pull a shirt fully over xyr head before heading for the door.
Uneven footsteps chased xem to the door. A hand grabbed xyrs and pulled.
“Hey,” Volume’s eyes were wide, mocking. “You okay?”
“Bathroom,” Vaya shook him off. Xe practically ran from the room.
In the bathroom, Vaya gripped the sides of the sink and tried not to throw up. Xyr heart was racing, each breath ripping its way out of xyr throat as xe hunched forward. The shock of the cool mirror against xyr forehead snapped xem out of it somewhat.
One more day, that’s all xe had to make it through. Then Vamos would be back and Vaya could grab them and they could leave. Get away from Volume and start fresh, somewhere safe, since it clearly wasn’t here. Xe didn’t think about how much xe’d miss this crew, it didn’t matter, anyway. It wasn’t safe here. Xe couldn’t risk Vamos getting hurt.
A knock at the door sent Vaya scrambling.
“Vaya? I’m wo— Are you—” Volume paused, probably trying to figure out the best way to lure Vaya from the bathroom. “I’m gonna make breakfast, okay?”
“Sure,” called Vaya. Xe tried to keep a tremor out of xyr voice.
Volume’s footsteps receded away from the bathroom and Vaya’s shaking started up again. Xe was four seconds away from smashing the window and crawling out of it and running when xyr frantic fingers stumbled across a loose pill on the counter. Xe swallowed it dry, counting to seventeen over and over in xyr head until the buzzing faded and something slow and smooth began to slide through xyr thoughts.
Unsteady in a different way, Vaya left the bathroom, ambling into the kitchen, barely bouncing off the doorframe. The broken kitchen table still sat in the middle of the floor, but Vaya kicked it out of the way and slumped against the cabinets, then slid to the floor.
“Catch,” came Volume’s voice. He didn’t actually toss the can of Jump Juice at Vaya, but dropped it into xyr lap. “Looks like we’re out of food.”
Vaya grunted. Xe cracked the top and took a sip.
Volume held a hand out expectantly, then retracted it slowly as Vaya shot a baleful glare his way. Acting like he didn’t know xe was onto him.
For a moment, it looked like Volume was going to say something, tell Vaya xe was acting weird, freaking out, making things up. Something to make xem doubt xemself. Then he closed his mouth and took a different approach.
“Crew’s getting back tomorrow, you think?”
“Sure.”
“Kinda bummed I couldn’t go with them.” A wry smile split Volume’s face. “But I had fun here, too.”
Vaya took another sip. The edges of Volume’s words were sharp, but his face was blurring slightly. Everything either too in-focus or out-of-focus. Xe probably should've checked whatever the pill xe took was.
Volume was still talking slowly when xe tuned back in.
“I guess it’ll be different, though. Are… Are we gonna tell them?”
“Tell them what?”
Tell them that Vaya had dropped xyr guard and fucked everything up in the process? That whatever plan Volume had concocted was smoothly underway?
“Y’know…” Suddenly Volume looked a lot less sure of himself. “That we’re, whatever we are?”
“What are we?” Vaya held xyr breath, daring Volume to say what they were, what he was going to do to xem.
“Well, we’re together? Aren’t we? I know you don’t— I mean, I’ve never seen you— We had sex. You don't do that a lot.”
Vaya’s first mistake. Letting xyr guard down.
Volume continued, “You said you wanted it to be like this more often. I just thought that would change something.”
Vaya’s second mistake. Letting him in.
“That wasn’t real,” xe scoffed.
“It wasn’t?”
Oh, so Volume wanted to pretend a little longer? He really was acting like he didn’t know Vaya was onto him. Vaya could play along with that.
“Do you think it was?”
“Well… Yeah? I mean, why would you say that if it wasn’t?”
“Fuck, Vol, you tell me.”
Volume blinked.
“Vaya… What do you mean?”
“I mean it’s real convenient that you wait ‘till you’ve got me alone to supposedly profess your love for me. Thought someone else would catch on if you made a move and they saw?”
“Catch on… Catch on to what? Vaya, I— I’m not following.”
“No? Because I think I’m making perfect sense.” Vaya fought to keep from slurring xyr words. “I know you’re planning something and I’m not going to fall for it.”
Volume was doing a really good impression of shock, his eyes wide and wet-looking. “What are you talking about? What do you think I’m planning?”
“Oh, you think I’m gonna give that away? Give you the upper hand so you can rework your plot and surprise me again? Not a fucking chance. Good luck, Volume, I’m watching you now and I’m not fucking weak enough to fall for you twice.”
“Weak?” Volume’s voice cracked and he swore, “Vaya, let’s go back to bed, you’re tired and you’re not making sense. I’m not… I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“No? Because from where I’m standing the whole trying-to-lure-me-to-bed thing doesn’t seem very innocent. You didn’t get enough of what you wanted yet?”
“Is that what you think of me?” Volume’s demeanour shifted. Vaya must have hit the nail on the head. Now he was getting mad. “You kissed me first, Vaya.”
“Fine,” Vaya snapped. “Maybe I did. But I’m not doing it again, I’m not that stupid. You’re not getting me like that again. None of this was real and as soon as they get back this never happened. ”
“‘Wouldn’t mind if it was like this a little more.’ That’s what you said! You wouldn’t have said that shit if— You wouldn’t have done that if you didn’t feel something. I’m not trying to hurt you, you’re just scared and you’re shutting me out.”
Why would he care, wasn’t it all an act?
“Maybe I am. Think that changes anything? You think it’s gonna be all fucking rainbows and flowers and holding hands at sunset because you think you know what I feel? Grow up, Volume. Don’t blame me because you want to play happy family while we’re in the middle of a fucking warzone.”
“We aren’t making a fucking difference, anyway, Vaya! You think BL/ind’s gonna pack it up and shut down because we kill a few dracs? You fucking grow up. But, fine, whatever. You think this was all a play? You want this to be over when they come back? I’ll do you one better. It’s over now. Don’t fucking talk to me, don’t look at me, stay out of my bed, and don’t come running to me next time you get tired of playing soldier.”
So maybe Vaya had been wrong. Xyr mouth hung open for a second, then xe snapped it shut.
“Fine.”
Volume didn’t reply.
Vaya slept on the couch that night. Or, xe attempted to. Xe kept replaying Volume’s words from the fight, the dawning realization on his face when Vaya accused him of only wanting one thing from xem. If he was faking that, he was a better actor than Vaya could have expected. But the other things he’d said? About Vaya playing soldier and not making a difference? That had come from a deeper place. There was no doubt he believed that.
And he’d seemed pretty set when he told xem not to talk to him.
Vaya flipped between being mad about that and being upset about ruining whatever semblance of a good thing they might have had until xe dozed off, only to wake up cold and grasping for a warm body that wasn’t there. Xyr back ached from the too-soft couch cushions, but Volume’s voice telling xem to stay out of his bed echoed loud and clear in xyr ears, so xe rolled over and punched xyr pillow and closed xyr eyes determinedly.
Xe snapped awake to a gunshot, rolling off the couch and hitting the floor. Was it dracs? Exterminators? Undergrads in a fight? Where was Vol—
“We’re ba-ack!” Came Vamos’ voice.
Oh. Vaya dropped xyr head to xyr forearms. Not a gunshot, just xyr sibling kicking the door open.
Val joined Vamos, tonelessly asking, “Why are you on the floor?”
“I was on the couch,” groaned Vaya as xe rolled over. “Then I thought I should duck and cover in case you were in a bad mood. Case in point,” xe nodded.
Val glowered down at them, while Vamos grinned. A few steps back, Vinyl had his arms crossed, but the very corner of his mouth was quirked up. Ignoring both of their companions, Vamos dropped to their knees, grabbing Vaya’s shoulders and squeezing xem tightly.
“So how was it? What’d we miss here? Why are you sleeping on the couch?”
In just three questions, Vamos reminded Vaya of everything xe wanted to ignore, forget, pretend never happened.
“Didn’t wanna crowd Vol’s foot,” mumbled Vaya, hoping Vamos would accept it and move on.
“We sleep five people on that bed?”
“Yeah, well. I—” Vaya stuttered.
“Fuck, when’d you get back?”
Vamos’ eyes lit up in the split second before they turned to greet Volume.
“Volume!” They shot up, running to him and grabbing him in as tight a hug as they could. “Never make me leave you again, that was awful! Quietest three days of my life! These two have no idea how t’ have fun.”
“Missed you too, Wheels,” mumbled Volume.
Watching Volume embrace xyr sibling like nothing was wrong, Vaya itched. Xe got to xyr feet and cleared xyr throat.
“Yinz hungry? Work up an appetite smokin’ dracs?”
“No dracs t’smoke,” grumbled Val, revealing the reason for his current bad mood. “Waste of a run.”
Vinyl nodded but looked less put out about it.
“I am hungry though,” agreed Vamos. “C’mon, Vi, make me a sandwich.” They abandoned Volume to wobble where he stood on one foot and snagged Vinyl’s elbow.
In a move that normally would have Vaya and Volume sharing a look, Vinyl grabbed Val’s hand to drag him into the kitchen. Things being like they were, the two were left in a sticky silence in the living room.
Volume left for the kitchen next. Vaya tried to tell xemself that xe didn’t want him to look back.
But it still hurt when he didn’t.
And it still hurt when he didn’t look at xem all lunch. It still hurt seeing him smile and laugh with Vamos, tease Val for his sunburn, toss nuts for Vinyl to catch in his mouth, but xe wasn’t sure if it hurt because xe didn’t want him to be doing those things, or if xe wanted him to be doing those things with xem.
The fact that Volume could seem so unbothered, unperturbed, uncaring, that hurt most of all. Like he hadn't been able to get what he wanted and, rather than dwell on it, he just moved on. Forgot about xem.
Or had he just shifted his sights? Had he always been so touchy with Vamos? Looping his arm over their shoulders to hobble around the Nest, sharing the loveseat with them when Vinyl scribbled something in his notebook and turned it to Val for him to announce that Vinyl wanted to make up for lost gaming time with an impromptu tournament. Sometime during Vaya’s third match against Val, Volume nudged Vamos and the pair left the living room. Cold sweat broke out over Vaya’s whole body, xe couldn’t concentrate on the game until the pair returned what felt like a lifetime later, neither looking particularly worse for wear.
Vamos would know something was up if Vaya asked them to stay away from Volume, and they’d probably ask Volume what it was all about. On the other hand, Vaya would never forgive xemself if xe let the two of them get close enough for Vamos to get hurt the same way xe had.
So long after nightfall, when Val had been declared the champion by games won, and Vinyl by points, Vaya wiped xyr sweaty hands off on xyr jeans and asked Vamos to help xem pluck xyr eyebrows. Xe bundled xyr twin into the bathroom, locked the door, and sank back against it.
“Fuck, Volume estaba serio,” Vamos started before Vaya could find xyr words.
“Que te dijo?”
“Dijo que estaba preocupado por ti. ‘N that you were super paranoid yesterday.”
With half a mind to open the door and interrogate Volume about why he was making xem seem irrational, Vaya hissed, “Verdad?”
“No lo sé. No estaba aquí, chismose.” Vamos reached out to rub the back of Vaya’s neck. “Y’do seem a little… r‘member when Val was convinced the creaking in the walls was BLI surveillance and it was really just those chuckwallas fucking?”
“Yeah.”
“Qué pasó?”
Open, easy concern was all that Vaya could see in Vamos’ face. Despite the comparison, they didn’t seem like they thought Vaya was overreacting. Vamos liked it here, Vaya reminded xemself. Now that xe knew what to look for, it would be easier to keep Vamos safe. Worst came to worst, Vaya had put up with a lot more for them. Xe looked down.
“Nada. Solo estoy siendo yo.”
Vamos' hand slid up into Vaya’s hair, tugged xem to their neck. Xe breathed in deep, wrapping xyr arms around their waist. After a few moments, Vamos leaned back to cup Vaya’s face in their hands.
“Tenías razón, though. Your brows’re fuckin' rusted as shit.”
Faking a laugh wasn’t high on Vaya’s list of priorities, but xe huffed one out anyway. Xe let Vamos sit xem on the toilet and attack xyr eyebrows with a pair of rusted tweezers, detailing every moment of the three days they’d had to spend with Vinyl and Val while they worked. When they finished, they leaned back, swiped their thumbs over their handiwork, and smiled.
“Now I can be seen in public with you.”
The rest of the V’s were in bed already, either asleep or faking it, when Vaya and Vamos joined them. Volume lay on one side of the mattress, Val and Vinyl sharing a pillow on the other side. There would have been enough space for Vaya to climb onto the bed in front of Volume, worm xyr way into his arms like xe always had.
Instead, xe elbowed at Vinyl until he rolled forward, dragging Val with him to the middle of the mattress. Val cracked an eyelid and flipped Vaya off before throwing an arm over his eyes and going still again. Vaya crawled onto the edge of the bed, pulled a blanket over xemself, and raised a newly-groomed eyebrow at Vamos. They hadn’t moved, jaw dropped and standing in the middle of the room while they watched Vaya settle in.
“What?”
Quickly, Vamos checked themself. “Nothing.”
They crawled onto the bed between Vaya and Vinyl, pulling the blanket up and burying their head under a pillow. Soon enough, Vinyl’s snores, Vamos’ snuffling, and Val’s even breath were the only sounds Vaya could hear.
Xe wondered if, on the other side of the mattress, Volume couldn’t sleep either.