Chapter Text
So it turned out that despite an IQ of 400, Kaito was an idiot.
“How have the police not caught you yet? Are they secretly complicit with your schemes? Is this some deranged attempt to repurpose the dregs of the criminal justice system into entertainment for the masses as a distraction from the larger problems in our society? How can you be intelligent enough to come close to my level during your heists, but still stupid enough to believe in miniature robot clones, for crying out loud?”
“Hey, that was actually traumatizing!” Kaito pouted.
“Are you really going to pull that card on me?” Tantei-kun pushed up his glasses, as if to remind himself that he had them again. “If there’s a contest of who’s survived the most murder attempts, I win.”
“Is that a challenge?”
“You can’t win it, since you were never playing the game.”
“Really. Did you even take into account the snipers?”
“Snipers?”
“Dressed in black, go by weird code names, seeking eternal life, attend my heists sometimes?”
He snapped to attention at that, looking like a cat ready to pounce. “I want all the information you have on them.”
“And we’ll call it even?”
“And I’ll make you look like a decent person in front of the police instead of just a not-terrible person. I need it.”
“Fine.” Kaito stood up, taking the folder out of his jacket and removing the more incriminating bits. No sense adding the noodles before the water was boiling, after all. He didn’t miss how tantei-kun’s eyes followed the motion, but he didn’t say anything, merely shuffling the papers around like a deck of cards and slipping a few of them away while his attention was elsewhere. When all was said and done, he presented the file to the detective, who took it in hungrily.
“Code names follow a different theme, they’re less secretive, more impulsive, not quite as competent but with the same resources… there’s a connection, though, so how far back does it go? Would they allow this? Is it another branch, or a former member looking for redemption? And the poison...” he muttered to himself, the abruptly stopped and turned to Kaito as a realization hit him.
“Do you just carry all this around? Waterproofed, even? You’re usually quite prepared, but you plan your heists in advance, meaning you research and pack accordingly. That would imply that you have this with you on a regular basis.”
“If I die, it’ll most likely be a gunshot wound from them, since they don’t know my real identity. I want whoever finds my body to take up the mantle, so to speak. Or, if they’re on the more boring side of the law, report it to the police so someone competent can find it.”
“You carry around a folder full of information on your enemies...that you laminated...in case of your untimely death.”
“It’s called thinking ahead and being spiteful, tantei-kun. You should try it sometime.”
“I’ll pass.” He scowled. “I apparently have the enforced personal space of a teddy bear. I can just imagine it being discovered next time I get hugged by some well meaning stranger. Or glomped, cuddled, carried, kidnapped… or bodily thrown out of a room, or tripped over by an adult who didn’t see me in the way, or grabbed by the back of my shirt like a freaking cat and then unceremoniously deposited elsewhere when I would have moved if I was just asked .”
“I take it your tiny mortal form is an inadequate container for the undying rage you feel at the indignity?”
“Well, if I was my usual size, I wouldn’t be angry!” he ranted. “Why was it that whenever people see something they perceive as cute, their first instinct is to pat it or pinch its cheek? Am I just a pet rabbit to be fawned over and casually tossed around? People keep touching me, and while it’s thankfully never in a creepy way, it’s extremely disconcerting how little my opinion regarding this seems to matter.”
Huh. So that meant he’d probably get a soccer ball for his troubles if he tried ruffling tantei-kun’s hair, right? But he’d dodged those before, which meant he could do it again, right? A merry chase always served to raise his spirits; he’d done it in class plenty of times with Aoko, and seeing as he’d put heists on hold due to his steadily declining confidence, he hadn’t been chased in...
No. Kaito needed to get a better self preservation instinct before he started throwing stones about his detective being a reckless idiot. “You good? Need to vent any more?”
He gave the sort of smile that was only loosely classified as such if the observer was in a generous mood. “Now, why on earth would I need to do that after a day like today?”
...well. That was his cue to leave. “I’ll give you some time to make your preparations, while I make mine. Farewell!”
“Don’t die, I guess,” he said. It didn’t sound terribly sincere.
***
A cup of iced coffee, a cold compress, and a pediatric dose of ibuprofen went a long way towards improving the detective’s mood. The burner phone was a bit of a mixed bag— he complained about having to call every competent acquaintance he knew and convince them that yes, there had been a slight kidnapping, and well, it turned out to be an incredibly stupid misunderstanding, and no, he wasn’t being forced at gunpoint to say this, and actually, if they could obstruct justice for a little while longer, he was going to sort things out.
“No, I do not secretly— what are you trying to imply here? He owes me now, anyways. Listen, it’s fine. He always skips away unharmed. No, I’m trying— come on, I’m not that terrible of a person.”
“Aw, you really do like me!” Kaito said from behind him. Conan muttered something about needing to go and hung up, turning to the thief.
“No, I just really hate murderers, especially the ones who get away with it. If you mistake the barest form of human decency as affection, I’m rather concerned for your interpersonal relationships.”
“You’re concerned...for me?” His eyes glistened with mock tears.
“Not in the slightest. I think your skills are useful enough that you’re better off indebted to me than in prison, since I have bigger priorities than a thief who always returns what he steals.”
“So you really do like me, then!”
“No, I just despise you slightly less than most criminals. Don’t think I’m going soft on you or anything; I still think you deserve to be caught.”
“I’ll take it!” Kaito chirped. “Besides, you’re one to talk. You still want me as an ally in your noble fight for justice, when I’ve threatened you twice. And the second time I would have done it.”
“See, only one out of two isn’t bad. Beggars can’t be choosers. Anyways, there’s a bit of a complication.” Of course there was. Maybe Kaito should have gotten donuts while he was out. “The thing is, even if I hadn’t figured out what it was, I knew I was being watched. I mentioned it to Ran, and she said I should text her when I got to school. I texted her at your magic show, during the card trick portion, and said I’d be late, since I was watching. From the time stamp, angle, and other pictures or videos your fans posted on social media, it would be easy to confirm both of our locations at the time. But after that— well, I went off the radar, so it’s easy enough to draw conclusions. And with my habit of getting into trouble, I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone’s freaking out. I’ve called off some of my more competent acquaintances who are in on the secret, but we’ll still have to explain this very carefully. I take it you wrapped up your show shortly afterwards?”
“With several dummies for the police to chase,” Kaito confirmed. It was a trick that never grew old, no matter how many times he did it.
“At this point, you’re so good that any alibi will be called into question— stop grinning like that, it only makes my job harder!” he said, pointing an accusing finger. “And it wasn’t a compliment. Ugh, I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
“Playing the black king rather than the white knight for once?” Kaito teased. “It’s not that bad, once you get over the fear of getting caught.”
“No, I mean lying to the people who trust me for the sake of some nebulous, altruistic goal in the future.”
“Ah.” So the detective wasn’t that different from him with the secrets he kept. “Well, that part just sucks, in my experience.”
Conan plowed on regardless of the somewhat heartfelt admission. “I didn’t call or text to let Ran know I was okay, and since you removed the battery, my phone can’t be tracked. Since the floor here seems to be a fairly generic concrete…” He carefully tucked the battery into an inside pocket, then sharply rapped his phone against the floor, trying several more times and checking, making adjustments until he was satisfied with the scrapes on the back panel. “There. Now I have an excuse for not calling back sooner. I dropped my phone and the case came open, and I was in such a hurry I didn’t realize the battery was gone.”
“You’re keeping the battery, though?” It seemed fairly incriminating to Kaito. Granted, he had a somewhat skewed perception, as he tended to carry around a little bit of everything on any given day, and they viewed the concept ‘incriminating evidence’ from opposite sides, but still.
“I’ll dispose of it once I get a new one. It’s not like I’ll be thoroughly searched to verify whether I’m telling the truth, and I don’t like being unprepared.”
“Perks of being considered trustworthy, am I right? Must be nice.”
Conan threw a book at his head. Which he probably deserved, to be honest. Kaito let it graze him, then retreated to a safe distance and started cleaning his own pockets, snickering every time something got a reaction. The best one was probably the live, somewhat tired garter snake (whose name was still undecided since Kaito liked to get to know his animals before naming them) but the feather boa got a decent reaction as well.
Finally, Conan sighed and threw down his pen. “Why are you distracting me? I’m trying to cover up for your impulsive decision that nearly got me killed, and you’re not being helpful.”
I’m not here to help, he almost said, but figured it was too soon. “Well, I’m bored. You can’t blame me for entertaining myself, can you?”
“Why don’t you go make yourself useful and buy me some more coffee? Thanks to your stalking, I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and I need to stay awake long enough to finish this. Normally I’d have it done by now, but I’m not exactly functioning at my best right now. I keep losing my train of thought, and writing only helps so much.”
“You’re not concussed, are you?” Kaito had learned the hard way after the wrench incident that blunt force trauma was not a reliable way to knock someone out, and had switched to a safer sleeping gas, but his one regression for the sake of poetic irony had backfired.
“No, I’ve already checked for that. I hope you know I’m never going to let you live this down, though” he grumbled, holding the cold compress to his head and writing with the other.
“Which part, specifically?”
“The reason. Robot clones, for crying out loud!” His pencil tore through the paper, and he scowled. “It’s ridiculous.”
“You were shrunk ten years! You’d think an experience like that would at least expand the realm of plausibility for you.”
“Sufficiently advanced science is indistinguishable from magic… to those who aren’t sufficiently advanced enough to understand such things. Magic doesn’t exist.”
“Oh, you sweet summer child. Clearly you’ve never been impaled at a distance and levitated through the city by a yandere witch obsessed with enslaving you, and it shows.”
“The placebo effect is a powerful thing, you know.” He hummed and flipped a page in the notebook Kid had lent him.
“I was bleeding from my eyes!”
“Psychosomatic. Rare but not unheard of.”
“Fine. Forget it.” Sometimes it was like they existed in separate worlds, one full of the fantastic and the other mundane and logical. He doubted he could make tantei-kun believe in magic unless he arranged a meeting between him and Akako, and she was too much of a wild card to risk it. She’d probably go mad with the power of having someone near Kaito’s level of intelligence under her control, and team up with Conan to enslave Kaito once and for all.
...yeah, bad idea. Maybe once she’d figured out the meaning of consent and they were all older, more responsible people who could have rational discussion unhindered by their unresolved emotional issues, he could broach the subject of sorcery again.
“What have you come up with?”
“I’m still working on that. I’m not the type to skip school, so I’m trying to find a reason I’d do that short of mortal danger or murder investigation.”
“Ah. School, being in mortal danger, and investigating a murder. Is that all you ever do with your life?”
Tantei-kun didn’t dignify that with a response, just scribbled and hummed in a way that made Kaito feel like he was being judged. “You wouldn’t by any chance happen to have a lighter, would you? I need to burn these pages when I’m done.”
“Any reason why? I think it would make a nice souvenir of our collaboration.”
“It’s too dangerous to leave lying around, for several reasons,” tantei-kun explained. “Leaving it with you would mean that my safety could be compromised by your arrest, and keeping it myself would be too risky. My handwriting is too distinctive, and second graders aren’t exactly supposed to have this degree of literacy. Most of them still struggle to differentiate between past and present forms.”
“Does that make you,” he paused for emphasis, “tense?”
The soccer ball whizzed harmlessly past him, ricocheted off two walls and a table, then nailed him in the side. Kaito took the hint and passed him a lighter before retreating to a safe distance.
Somehow, even after clarifying matters and asking for an alliance, his littlest critic was no less terrifying.
***
“Did I mention I brought donuts?” Kid asked. Huh, so he’d decided it was safe and he wasn’t going to get hit with another soccer ball. At least Conan had gotten a good half hour of peace and quiet out of the deal.
“Despite my appearance, I’m not overly fond of sweets unless there’s another flavor to balance it out. Unless they’re lemon flavored, I doubt I’ll like them.”
“More for me, then!” Kid sat down next to him, gleefully started on one end of the box and made his way through as Conan worked. He was almost on his way to something, he thought, but it was hard to find places without security cameras or witnesses.
“Hm. Good thing I got a variety! The middle donut of the second row from you is lemon spice, so it’s yours.”
“And why didn’t you tell me this earlier?”
“Drama,” the thief answered shamelessly. He reached for his sixth donut, somehow managing not to get any of the jelly on his white suit.
Conan would have facepalmed if not for the fact that it wouldn’t do his headache any favors. Of course. He shouldn’t have expected anything less from the flamboyant thief. “You’re literally the most dramatic person I’ve ever met, and you have some very stiff competition, seeing as my aunt is an actress.”
“Thank you! I try.”
“On that topic...” he tilted his head so that the light reflected off his glasses and hid his eyes, a basic intimidation technique he’d picked up early on. “When I woke up, you were right there, like you’d been waiting.”
“Your point?”
According to his watch, he’d been out for two hours, and he wasn’t terribly far from where he’d been abducted; an hour by train at most. Of course, the location was pretty out of the way, so there was probably some walking involved (carrying his unconscious body, no less) but still. “Did you just sit there and stare ominously that entire time, waiting for me to wake up?”
“We all must make sacrifices for our art,” the thief said evasively.
“I… ” Somehow, imagining Kaitou Kid sitting in wait for at least half an hour just for the sake of drama was both perfectly fitting and absolutely ridiculous for him. He was so ridiculously extra that Conan wasn’t sure whether he should be impressed or angry. “Words fail me.”
“Anyways,” he carried on, sure that if he spent any more time with Kid, his blood pressure was going to shoot through the roof, “I’ve mapped out every possible story I can think of, and judging by the puzzle you left, I can make up something about a further challenge that I wanted to go chasing after, and got tunnel vision and just forgot about school or answering my phone for two hours.”
“No one gets tunnel vision that badly, though,” Kid said.
“I once didn’t realize the kitchen was on fire because I was busy reading. A Study in Scarlet, if I remember correctly. It’s a perfectly plausible alibi.”
“Well, don’t you sound awfully smug for someone who’d let his house burn while reading Sherlock Holmes.”
“Why would I let my house burn? I have the entire collection in multiple—” Crap, he wasn’t helping his case. On the plus side, Ran hadn’t tried to teach him how to cook ever again. “Fine. If anyone asks, I figured out that you were going for the Bluebird’s Eyes. They’re on display from Greece, and they were recently cut apart from the same stone. There’s an old legend attached to it about a young trio of children whose tale ended in tragedy, if that makes any difference.”
“Hm, not exactly the type of gem I typically go after, but it’ll match the riddle I sent out. I can’t say I care for tragedies, though. I’m still hoping for my happy ending, and I hope you know I won’t stop.”
“You’re not some fairytale protagonist, idiot. According to a certain peripherally believed psychoanalysis, to which I’m beginning to subscribe, you’re a maladjusted gifted child with kleptomaniac tendencies and the ability of a lawyer in regards to finding loopholes in morality.”
“Ooh, such big words! Let me get my thesaurus. Are you just trying to exercise that vocabulary of yours before it atrophies from being around second graders and being treated like one? Reciting times tables must be so fun for you. And constantly having to pretend, getting shoved around by adults, even—”
“FINE!” It wasn’t like he was missing anything important at school to begin with. “I know what you’re trying to do. You want me to come to your heist, which you’re actually going to hold, rather than going back to school, aren’t you?”
Kid blinked. “Well, I guess I could try holding a heist without preparation...”
“What do you mean, you guess ? Wasn’t this your plan all along?”
“You can just ask, you know,” Kid said, and muttered something about him being a tsundere. Which Conan was not, mind you.
He enjoyed the challenge Kid presented, the respect as a worthy opponent, the chance to exercise his mind without anyone dying— but if he let that slip, then he’d be teased even more mercilessly. It was like feeding wild animals— show feral creatures any sort of affection, and they become attached to you and will attack if they don’t get the treatment they’ve become accustomed to. And Conan wasn’t so grateful for the challenge that he’d be willing to overlook Kid’s flagrant disrespect of the law, either. He didn’t just break it, he did a jig on the pieces before burning them in brightly colored flames, with some glitter for good measure.
“Why would I ask you for anything?”
“Ah, yes, because you’re just going to demand things and hold this incident over me until you deem my amends sufficient.”
“Good to see you understand our arrangement, then. Now, to get to the other end of town in time without being seen...”
He was about to suggest a simple disguise like a hoodie and wig when Kid pulled out a duffel bag from seemingly nowhere. “Get in, loser. We’re going aiding and abetting.”
“No.”
“It was a joke; relax, will you?” He removed a flu mask, beanie, and sweater from the bag. “If anyone asks, you’re my little brother who got sick at school and needed a ride home.”
He sighed; they said familiarity bred contempt, and while he’d always had a great deal of contempt for the thief, being in close proximity for so long had made him tense. “Let’s just get this over wi— did you eat the entire box of donuts? ”
“I left the one for you, so only eleven. And running from the police burns a surprising amount of carbs!”
Running from his civic responsibilities, more like. Or any responsibility at all. Back when Shinichi was part of the soccer club, he’d always been very careful about his diet so that he could perform at his best, but apparently Kid had no such concerns.
Getting out of bed this morning was a mistake. He understands this now.
***
The heist was big. It was flashy. It was glorious. It involved the garter snake, whose name was now, by popular vote, Jolene.
Kaito had also dissociated through most of it, so he couldn’t say exactly what happened. In fact, his main source of information was Twitter, since anything above forty characters was pushing the limits of his fried attention span.
He had two options, really. One of them was to call Jii and explain the situation, the other was to lie here and drown in self pity, wait for the ice cream to levitate itself from the freezer to the couch, and otherwise continue his long, long streak of terrible life decisions.
...yeah, he legitimately didn’t know how long he’d last if he kept making choices like that. Also, he was almost out of ice cream. And he was in a rocky road sort of mood.
Twenty minutes later, he had his ice cream and was explaining to Jii, piece by piece, everything that had led to this. Rather understandably, Jii was upset that he hadn’t been informed, but had relented slightly at Kaito’s earnest explanation of how he really didn’t want Jii to call in all of his illegal favors again and mobilize a covert mission because that had sort of operation last time had involved some sketchier people who didn’t have his morals, and because it was too much trouble.
“Honestly, I get shot at all the time,” Kaito said defensively. “I didn’t see how a little more mortal peril was that different.”
“You’ve never been captured! That machine came closer than anything else to taking you away. I’ve already lost your father—”
“I get it, okay? I was being dumb and hiding things is bad. I just panicked, and didn’t know what else to do. The little brat always throws me off my game. I’ve felt like something was off about him since we met, but that...”
“...that’s the reason you’ve been spiraling for the past month, isn’t it.”
“Yep! And I was wrong anyways, so tantei-kun decided to cover for me on the condition that I’ll owe him, which probably means risking my life in some wild scheme of his.”
“How did this happen?” He pointed to the bruise on Kaito’s side, a few inches of bruised flesh blooming colorfully where his shirt had ridden up.
“I made a pun.”
“And?”
“He didn’t like it. This is my pun ishment.”
“This is exactly why I worry about you, you know.”
“I know.” He’d known it for a long time. That he was an absolute mess of a human being with no self preservation instinct and chaotic dumbass energy that was off the walls.
“Anything else I should know?”
“Tantei-kun is older than he looks due to some sciencey stuff with a poison that sounds pretty magical to me, but he won’t tell me his actual age. I think he’s scared I’ll flirt with him. Oh, and he wanted information on Snake and pals for some reason, which looks like he might have a similar problem. I think that’s it.”
“Well, that’s his problem,” Jii says firmly. “We have enough to worry about as is, and he’s proven himself perfectly capable of handling his own issues. I’m calling you in sick from school, and saying you tripped and aggravated your injuries.”
“Close enough, am I right? I’ll tell Hakuba that I really did want to go to that Kid heist, but those darn stairs!” Huh, he’d sort of forgotten about school. Now that he thought about it, he remembered Ran dragging tantei-kun away at the end of the heist, yelling something about truancy, but it was a bit blurry. Actually, a lot of things were getting blurry now. How long had he been running on adrenaline and existential terror? Had he slept last night? When was the last time he had eaten?
“Think I’m just gonna pass out for a bit,” Kaito mumbled, grabbing the folded blanket from the armrest.
Epilogue:
“Kuroba-kun, while I know you have a flair for the dramatic, we have a physics test tomorrow, and I was hoping to get to sleep. Couldn’t this wait?”
Kaitou Kid put a finger to his chin, as if this was just another casual question rather than an implied what are you doing in my room. “Kuroba? I don’t think I know anyone by that name.”
“Oh, for crying out—“
“What do you know about the January second case?”
Saguru glanced around furtively before crossing the room in a few quick strides to shut the curtains. “I know someone used your DNA and advanced brainwave scans to synthesize a replacement for you, but it went wrong. Very wrong.”
“The data and DNA were gone when I checked, though,” Kid said lightly. “You wouldn’t have anything to do with that, would you?”
“Certain incriminating evidence has a habit of going missing from your crime scenes. Quite frankly, it’s sloppy and below you that you didn’t clean it up first. The incident with Nightmare was… understandable, and tragic, but you really do need to be more careful.”
“So, who exactly did ‘clean up after me’ as you put it?” He grinned, a familiar expression that meant the pieces were all settling into place. “Don’t tell me you’ve stained your hands for my sake, tantei-san. Abandoning the principles by which you live?”
As if it was that simple. “I’ve abandoned nothing. I stole evidence to protect your identity because it’s not exactly sporting otherwise. One day, I will attend your heist and outwit you myself, putting an end to your career. That’s the only way I’ll allow you to be caught.”
Kid gasped, putting a hand to his heart. “You protected me because you wanted to be my one and only? Oh, how terribly romantic!”
“It’s not like— will you stop flirting with me? I’m trying to be serious here.”
“I know.” The playful grin retreated, replaced by a more serious expression. “And I do appreciate it, even if you didn’t tell me. I’ll make my next heist fun for you, all right?”
“If you had paid any attention, you’d know I’m heading back to England in two days for—“
“Your mother’s birthday, yes. I’ll be eagerly awaiting your return.” He gave a low, sweeping bow, revealing a vase full of white roses on the table behind him that certainly hadn’t been there before. “Until then, tantei-san.”
“Please get out of my house.”
Even more epilogue:
“Professor, I think we need to have a chat about the people you give your inventions to.”
“Ah...about that. Did you see Kuroba-kun the other day? He’s a young magician under the care of an old friend of mine. He looks similar to you— well, when you’re seventeen— but with messier hair. An old friend of mine recommended I collaborate with him, since the boy hasn’t been feeling himself lately, but he never showed up.”
“...excuse me. I need to go have a crisis.”