Chapter Text
For Jared, the path to Jensen all started with the kiss.
It’s a little ridiculous because he doesn’t do crushes, doesn’t do love. His parents’ marriage fraying into pieces has always been his justification for that. Or, perhaps it’s always been an excuse. Sometimes he wants. Wants to find someone to love, wants a relationship, wants the two point five kids and white fence. But that’s only sometimes; he’s perfectly content with the way he lives his life, until of course, he starts his residency.
The ward he’s thrown onto is a different from the ones he’s been on before. His co-workers all seem to be overly invested in each other’s lives, something his father confirms when Jared asks.Just do what you’re supposed to do, and keep yourself out of trouble, Jared. It’s not until later that he wonders if he took his father’s words too literally. The more he keeps away from the doctors and nurses, and turns down their invites and extensions, the more they seem to grow annoyed with him. One of his friends and fellow residents, Chad, shrugs when Jared puts this to him and tells Jared that they’ll get over it.
Everything changes one day when he finds himself at the hospital, caught in the middle of an altercation involving one of the senior doctors. Jared’s not even sure what the guy’s name is, but he’s seen him around a couple of times. Rather, he’s seen him. Hot is an understatement. Before Jared knows what’s happening, he’s cleaning blood off the guy’s face, pointedly avoiding bright, green eyes and pink, voluptuous lips while trying his hardest not to do something stupid. That’s kind of hard when his heart is thumping in his chest. The air is charged as finally looks down at Jensen (he catches sight of the doctor’s name on his ID badge).
Shortly afterwards, Jensen laughs at something he says, and Jared falls right there and then. Suddenly, Jensen’s in front of him, and green eyes look right into his. And then, Jensen kisses him. It takes Jared a few seconds to get with the program, but once he does it’s nothing short of amazing. Suddenly, Jensen pulls away, unable to meet his eyes.
Jared feels his heart sinking.
“I’m sorry—I shouldn’t have—thanks for helping me out,” Jensen pauses, and Jared gives him a confused look. “I’ll…I’ll see you around.”
Jared flinches as the door slams behind him.
The in-between begins with Jared hitting rock bottom.
He wakes up in a hospital bed to find his Dad looking at him sadly. Sad probably isn’t the right descriptor, but it’s all his tired brain can come up with, just like the only thing he seems to be able to say is ‘sorry’.
His dad doesn’t go into any elaborate speeches. He just says that all he wants is for Jared to be happy.
-
Rehab is rehab. He talks until he’s blue in the face, about anything and everything. And once, he talks about Jensen.
-
Jared’s already made the decision to go back to CRT when Chad lets slip that Jensen and Jeff aren’t dating anymore. From the blank look on Chad’s face when Jared tries to get more info, he’s known for a while. He’d broken down once, and told Chad everything, even the part about being in love with someone he’s only ever had the one conversation with.
Chad doesn’t outright say that he thinks that Jared’s feelings are irrational, but Jared knows.
-
The first time Jared sits down and thinks I should not have come backis long after the first email arrives. Sure the emails are hurtful, spiteful and all that shit, but is he surprised? Not really.
The only thing he cares about is Jensen; with such ferocity that he begins to wonder if Chad was right, if he shouldn’t have come back.
He can’t keep telling himself that there’s something here; he can’t keep letting Jensen yank his heart out, again and again. And after the email about them in the elevator, his heart is well and truly yanked the fuck out.
But Jensen comes for him, and Jared lets himself believe. He lets himself have what he’s wanted for the longest time.
-
The cracks start to appear early on. Jared knows that what Jensen feels for him isn’t even close to being what he feels for Jensen. Jared’s the kind of person who thinks and thinks and thinks until he can’t anymore whereas Jensen’s the kind of person who shoves things down and buries them.
It keeps on going like that, but all Jared can think is Jensen’s still here.
-
Sometimes it feels like he has half of Jensen, while the other half is scattered in pieces somewhere.
It’s not Jared’s place to put him back together, but Jared doesn’t think he’s doing well at holding him up either.
Chad asks him why he’s waiting.
“Waiting for what?” he asks.
Chad sighs, a sound that Jared’s become very accustomed to. “Waiting for him to break your heart again.”
“I’m not.”
-
“I warned you,” Chad says, eons later, when Jared finally has finally had enough. He’s leaving. Leaving Jensen and their broken relationship behind. He ignores Chad and wonders if Jensen ever loved him.
Jared thinks he did, and that’s the problem.
If anything, their love was like a warning sign.
It ended with a knock on his door.
Jensen stands there for the longest time, sitting on the front step, and Jared flips between staring through the peephole and leaning against the door with his eyes closed, pretending that he’s somewhere else.
Jared waits for Jensen to leave, like Jensen always does.
Except Jensen doesn’t leave this time.
Jared relents eventually, and steps outside to join Jensen on the step.
“What do you want?” he asks, deliberately keeping his eyes off Jensen. Curtains twitch across the street, and Jared wonders what they look like: two lost souls, or two guys who are confused and in love?
“Do you want the short answer or the long answer?” Jensen replies, because nothing is ever straightforward with him.
“The short one,” Jared says. The sooner the conversation is over, the better.
“What I want,” Jensen says, “is you.” Jared’s treacherous heart jumps, his stomach flips, and butterflies form the way they seem to whenever he’s near Jensen. But he’s not following his heart this time; he’s following his mind.
His mind says, run the fuck away.
You already did that, his heart responds, and he followed you.
“You’re an asshole,” Jared says aloud, suddenly very interested in a loose thread at the hem of his jeans.
“I know,” Jensen agrees, turning to face Jared. “And I know that I screwed up, and that I hurt you. But I love you, Jared. I miss you.”
“Is this your way of controlling what happens with us?” Jared can hear the anger in his tone, but he can’t keep it at bay. There’s too much that he’s held back, too many things that he let Jensen dictate. “That’s all it is with you. You have to be in control, all the time, consequences be damned.”
“Maybe you’re right,” Jensen says. “But I’m not trying to control anything now; I can leave right this second, and never come back. Or…maybe we can give this a another chance and I’ll try to do better.”
“What do you say?”
Jared’s only response is the subtle shake of his head. Jensen leaves.
-
An hour after that, there’s another knock on his door.
“What about now?” Jensen asks. Jared stares at him.
-
“Now?”
“You can’t be serious?” Jared says, and damn if there isn’t something akin to amusement in his voice.
“I’ve never been more serious about anything.” Jensen looks it. Serious, that is. And, the next time Jared shuts the door; he actually stops and thinks, would it be so bad?
-
“What about now?” Jensen looks a little tired, but Jared can see the determined glint in his eyes. He gives Jensen a bottle of water. Jensen smiles at Jared like he’s given him the world.
“What’s so different about today?” Jared asks. “Can’t you give me some time to think about it?”
“I can definitely do that,” Jensen says, and Jared gets the feeling that he just walked right into that one.
-
Another hour. Another knock.
-
“This is ridiculous.” But Jared’s not annoyed, and he’s not angry.
“Have dinner with me?” Jensen asks.
Jared lets him inside. The first thing Jensen does is ask where the bathroom is.
“You’re not going to give up, are you?” he asks, when Jensen returns.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“After we kissed, the first time, you didn’t forget about me, you waited and you came back,” Jensen says. “Our first fleeting moment and you didn’t give up, not until I pushed and pushed. So now it’s my turn to not give up on you.”
The words hit Jared harder than they should—apparently the defences he’s spent months building up don’t exist. Jensen still has a place in his heart, and when it comes down to the battle between his mind and his heart, Jared thinks his heart has got this one.
“Some people would call what you’re doing harassment.” The words leave Jared before he can stop them, and Jensen stills. He can tell that Jensen’s thinking about how this – them – started, about Jeff and that whole ordeal. Jensen steps back; it’s a small one, but a step back nonetheless.
“Well,” Jensen says slowly. “Is that what you think this is?”
Jared doesn’t know how to say that Jensen’s nothing like Jeff, that he knows that Jensen would never try and push him into something. So he doesn’t say anything. Instead he gravitates closer towards Jensen, but the moment isn’t charged or sexual. He draws Jensen into a gentle hug, tightening his hold as Jensen’s stubble brushes against his cheek
“I love you,” Jensen says, again.
Jared relaxes into the embrace and finally gives in, like he knew he would all along. “I love you too.”
It could turn out to be the wrong decision, a mistake—history repeating itself. But Jared knows better than most people that sometimes, you just have to put the past behind you, focus on the present and hope that your future’s what you dreamed of.
It didn’t quite look like this in Jared’s head, but the reality is even better.
Whether or not it lasts is irrelevant.
So, the path doesn’t really end with Jensen knocking on Jared’s door.
It starts all over again.
Fin.
Thank you so much for reading! <3
-bh.